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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 15:12

I agree with Suzanne. Forewarned is forearmed.

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 15:19

Just tried her year of birth and day/month.
Wish i had tried his ipad earlier,wasn't thinking straight.
How many times can I try before i'm locked out.

OP posts:

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 15:19

I'm not sure if I could manage to be calm in the OP's shoes though...is there anyone you could talk to in real life, where you can safely have an outburst and try to let some of the shock out?

LordPeterWimsey · 26/09/2015 15:21

Stop focusing on his phone. You already know what's going on. Everyone is telling you to make sure you have all important documents together so that you know exactly what you're dealing with.

I know you're in shock. I know it's awful. But you have to protect yourself: reading his messages won't add anything except confirmation of the knowledge you already have.

LordPeterWimsey · 26/09/2015 15:22

And I second talking to someone in real life so that you can get some of the shock and upset out. Is there a good friend you could phone?

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 15:24

Other than your trust in him, NOTHING has gone.

Those 25 years will remain forever. They'll be as valid tomorrow as they were yesterday and if he is stupid enough to take himself off to live with her, which is by no means certain, you will at least know that you had the best of him and she's got your leftovers in the form of a middle-aged twat who's trying to look and act years younger than his true age.

With regard to the code on his ipad, try reversing his date of birth and also enter her name to see if that's the equivalent of 'open sesame'.

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 15:25

I suppose it depends in part on whether you think things could be salvaged, and it's probably too early to say

If you are so inclined and you can manage to put on a good front, you could...well, you could out maneuver him and really do a number on him.

He's been calculating and deceitful...do you want to do the same

JaniceJoplin · 26/09/2015 15:28

Does he have an iphone ? If so, can you access the laptop / PC that he uses to sync it to ? If yes, you can download software called Decipher texts which will enable you to access his texts without having his phone. Just download the softward on to the laptop. It will be accurate to the last time he synced. Think its about £15 to buy but it definitely works. It also shows deleted messages which just looking at a phone will not be there.

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 15:33

suzanne yes at the moment I really would like to do a number on them both. Quite what though I don't know.
I know some posters don't like me judging her,but me and dc are/were involved in his new hobby(where he met her)
NO ONE in that part of his new life could not know that he was in a relationship.
I really don't understand how someone could be the 'other woman'
I my opinion it takes two.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 15:37

OP, are you married?

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 15:40

yes married.
But are finances are not good.
Selling our home would mean me and dc going into private rented, and him going to her, I expect.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 15:42

Not necessarily.

Would you earn more if you worked outside the business? Your children are old enough for you to work full time, aren't they?

PattyPenguin · 26/09/2015 15:44

Iseeall, perhaps she did throw herself at him. It does happen, people do throw themselves at other people who have partners. And when it happens, a man or woman who is committed to a relationship makes it very clear that he or she is not interested.

If your OH had done that, you wouldn't have a problem. So it's his behaviour that matters, not hers.

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 15:45

yes, only one dc needs financial support(at uni).
If we split dh would still trade and I would look for work elsewhere.
Our home is large,the business is run from home, there is no way I could keep it myself.

OP posts:

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 15:46

it must be very hard to think straight Isee, I'm sure I would feel murderous in your shoes...not that I am advocating anything of the sort, just whatever it takes to protect yourself and make sure you end up in as good a position as possible when this situation has played out.

Whilst he doesn't know that you know then you can take all the time you need to think and plan.

When you confront him he will be shocked and in a panic, but you wont, that gives you a big advantage.

You can gather information and when you do confront him you'll be able to see the gap between what you know and what he admits.

Potentially you can take control of this situation because you are the only one with 'inside information'

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 15:46

Of course it takes two and of course you'll judge her - who wouldn't? - and she'd get very short shrift if she posted here.

At the present time you've got the advantage because he hasn't got a clue that you're onto him. No doubt you'll be tempted to brain him the minute you see him, but if you can keep your cool you may be able to discover chapter and verse of their squalid little affair and will be able to choose a time to enlighten him as to your discovery when it will have maximum impact and shock him into having a heart attack realising that his duplicity has thrown his good life away.

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 15:49

thanks for all the kind posts .
He really is throwing away a good life, in tears now

OP posts:

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 15:52

((( Iseeall )))
you poor thing :(

Jackie0 · 26/09/2015 15:54

Say nothing.
Get all documents etc and see a solicitor.
You will be okay.
You don't have to end your marriage over this.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 15:56

We need a emoticon... have a ((())) and a and chaser, honey.

You CAN and you WILL get through this and emerge with your confidence intact.

exWifebeginsat40 · 26/09/2015 15:56

oh this is awful. my ex husband was seeing someone behind my back when I thought we were working on our marriage and planning for the future. he also met her at a pub with live music! I was trying to get sober so wasn't going to pubs so off he went and met someone he could still do that with.

don't fanny around with trying to find messages. hand him the boarding card when he gets in, say nothing and watch him panic. if this is the end of your relationship he needs to step up and do the right thing as he is the one destroying it.

please look after yourself.

Original poster

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:02

oh dear lord, moment of clarity.
We only have the one car,got in the passenger seat a couple of weeks ago, and actually said, 'whose be adjusting the seat' it was pulled in further than I have it. Dear god i'm an idiot.
I actually remember asking him and he just looked at me.(it wasn't dcs in the car I'm the shortest in the family)

OP posts:

mulranna · 26/09/2015 16:04

I am 6 months down the line from you. Our marriage had taken a bad turn when it happened. We are now back on track (after a lot of pain, anger, acceptance etc through CC) - and our future is looking 10x better than it was before. The affair was a wake up call for me, I decided that I wanted our future and I manipulated everything to get it back. You have 25 years in the bank to draw on.

Please think very carefully what you want and do not let extreme emotion (which is justified) prevent you from getting it. Do shoot yourself in the foot with anger and the need to punish or retaliate. Play the long game.

If you want to salvage your marriage do not do any mad, woman scorned, stuff - protect your dignity. I have just about got my marriage back on track - but it meant getting the OW totally off the scene. You may choose to end the marriage at another time that suits you.

Lots of marriages go through this and come out the otherside.

mulranna · 26/09/2015 16:06

Do not shoot yourself in the foot...

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 16:08

I think that's very good advice Mulranna

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