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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
mulranna · 26/09/2015 16:09

You don't and (wont be able to) uncover the whole story in one go -- lots of pennies drop and things are revealed in the months to come.

Today is hideous, it will get worse, but it will get better in time.

What do you want? Your old life back? Out? Or a better future marriage?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2015 16:10

Please, make a hot cup of tea with sugar and try to calm down. At this point the main thing is to protect yourself and your children. Your H and the OW are unimportant right now. I know that's hard to hear but it's true. You need to give them just as much thought as they've given you. None.

As others have said, gather financial documents. Make an appointment with a solicitor asap. Do NOT expect your H to deal with you honourably. The OW couldn't care less for your/your children's financial security and he is listening to her now. Protect yourself. Try to keep it together and hide your knowledge until you see a solicitor. If he knows you know, he will begin to hide financial info and possibly even hide or move money.

Plead a bad headache and go to bed if you don't feel you can face him and 'fake it'. If there is a place you can go (friend? family?) to hide away for the day, go. I know you don't want to tell anyone, but think, unless you are willing to bury your head and stay, they'll find out eventually. Pick ONE friend, the one you feel you can trust the most, and tell them and ask if you can come and stay the day.

Ginkypig · 26/09/2015 16:11

Deep breath! Keep calm and get practical.

Check all bank statements and other docs etc

Get all your ducks in a row so to speak so that if the worst happens you know where you stand.

Do some private research on the best lawyers so you know who to call incase you need to.

Look into housing options if it turns out you need housing you'll have a bit of knowledge around the subject.

She is a prick but she is not your problem (yet) he is so you need to focus on him for now and not her!

You can deal with her later for now you need to be genius info wizard so he has no wiggle room to con you. (If that makes sense)

I don't know enough about phones and passwords to advise but if they were booking flights and accommodation maybe there are confirmation emails you can find?

Good luck op massive cuddles for you.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 16:12

Don't hand him the original boarding card as he might tear it up or burn it.

Make a copy, hand it to him, and after he's bluffed and blustered, told a pack of bare-faced lies, or claimed he's madly in love with her and wants his freedom, tell him that the original is in a safe place and will be handed to the solicitor you will be instructing to divorce him for adultery and name her as the co-respondent.

No matter how tempted you are, don't do the 'pick me' dance or plead with him in any way shape or form as his ego is already bigger than the universe and doesn't need any more stroking.

Nothing will bring him to his senses quicker than being confronted with your icily calm disdain for his grubby carrying on with a woman whose lack of morals is as contemptible as his own and the thought that you'll take him to the cleaners in the divorce court.

Do your crying in private and vent here where you'll find no shortage of comfort and sound advice from those who've been there, done it, and wear the t-shirt with pride.

Ginkypig · 26/09/2015 16:13

What I said plus what acrossthepond said!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2015 16:17

Be sparing in what you tell him. Tell him you know and ask for an explanation. He'll likely deny it or blame her initially. Or say nothing happened. It's pretty standard. Hmm

Twinklestein · 26/09/2015 16:19

I'm really sorry OP.

If you can't be dissuaded from contacting her, rather than giving her what for, ask for times and dates.

You can then check it against his version, and if he tries to deny it you have the evidence.

SlightlyJaded · 26/09/2015 16:22

OP. I'm sorry for what you have just discovered. You are in shock, of course, and will experience all sorts of emotions in the weeks ahead, but you WILL come through this.

I don't know about getting into the iPad without jail breaking it, but you should be able to get instuctions to do that online.

Have you checked Facebook messenger?
Can you log onto his email?

Gather gather and then gather some more. Evidence will stop you starting to crumble when he looks you dead in the eye and starts spouting minimising
bullshit.

Try not to focus on her for the moment. Your moment with her will come. Make her as unimportant as you can, this will sting her far more.

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:32

I can't access his ipad and he is still out.
Just want more info, I guess its been a month or two. We were on holiday early august and everything seemed fine.
The car seat thing was a few weeks ago.Am sure it was her,and his distant behaviour started about three weeks ago.
Will bide my time if I can(very hard) this weekend.
Monday we will be alone and If i'm going to confront him it will be then. Unless something provokes me before then.

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 26/09/2015 16:35

Ask him innocent questions about his trip then OP.

Let him dig a hole of lies that he will find impossible to remove himself from.

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 16:40

I wouldn't contact her to ask her questions. It's not in her interest to even answer you.

Is she married/with someone? Does she have children?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:41

just found a receipt in his trousers, the ones he wore home yesterday.
Boots the chemist airside.
Drx Thn F1 cndm 6. £4.99 says receipt

6 durex condoms if i'm not mistaken.

This looks like the end

OP posts:
mulranna · 26/09/2015 16:42

What do you want? Your old life back? Out? Or a better future marriage?

You will not know this yet - your emotions will roller coaster for months through hurt, despair, anger, devastation and back again many times - many times a day.

Don't make decisions / take actions in the heat of the moment - keep calm, get your stuff together, watch and wait.

Don't let the raw anger today dictate your actions, cloud your thoughts and prevent you getting what you want and need in the longer term.

Go for walks and vent here to prevent a blow out.

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:43

She is a single lady with one adult child and a grand child as far as I know.

OP posts:
YoungGirlGrowingOld · 26/09/2015 16:48

So sorry OP.

The boarding card and the Durex receipt suggests to me that he wants you to find out. Is he usually so careless? Two massive "clues" seems a bit unlikely even for a useless lying asshat

Wine
mulranna · 26/09/2015 16:54

You will be obsessed with her - but her details are not relevant or comparable - it is hard to understand this - she could be anyone.

All that matters is what you want for you and your family right now.

Focus on that and do not be distracted by her or her circumstances.

ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 16:55

It doesn't always mean that. It can just mean he's stupid and thinks the OP's too stupid, too, to cotton on to what's under her nose. I don't think everyone who leaves evidence wants to be found out.

OP, how much space does your husband need to do his job? Could the house be split into two flats? Do you have a big mortgage on the house?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:56

young I was just coming back to ask about this. Does he want to be found out, is he stupid, does anyone have experience of this.
So many clues all at once. I'm shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 16:59

imperial yes we have a big mortgage.
Don't know if I could deal with sharing a house with him. He has form for sronewalling over the years but this is a new low.

ok hes back now

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 17:02

Hang on to the thought that while this may be 'the end' of some things, it is NOT the end of the world and there are far worse events that could befall you than ending a marriage to a man who's not worthy of you.

That said, it's by no means certain that your marriage will end but whether it survives will be down to him, not you.

Woof1e · 26/09/2015 17:11

Have you been watching Dr Foster?

suzannecaravan · 26/09/2015 17:11

good luck Iseeall

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 17:14

Just found condones unopened in his wash bag. Does he want me to end it so I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 17:14

What is Dr Foster.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 17:21

I'm afraid it looks like he wants you to find out.

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