How would you react to this?

[jorahmormont]

OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.

She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.

OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.

My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?

Sorry it's a ramble.

OP, women like this have a habit of trying to make it your fault too, so I would make sure that people know exactly why she is off the scene.

Otherwise she will try making it all your fault, you overreacted, you're paranoid, she was just pissed, they are just good friends, DH wouldn't have minded/reacted like you, you're a control freak etc etc

Hopefully we'll see FIL next week so I'll have a chat with him then. Telling the other ILs may be an issue as MIL worked with this woman before and likes her a lot, and SIL and I have issues anyway, but I know FIL wouldn't stand for any of this funny business.

We live away from the area, so to be honest she can tell people I'm paranoid or have overreacted - most people she tells either know me well enough to know I'm not like that, or it wouldn't bother me if they did think I was paranoid because I'd never have to see them. As long as DP is on my side, which he is, I don't mind what others think.

I just feel like... fair enough, she's depressed. I've been there, I had PND and anxiety after giving birth. And okay, she's just broken up with her long-term boyfriend, so she's latching on to the closest person who shows her any kindness, which is DP. Not ideal, but whatever. It's the little details that bother me - the fact that she wanted me to see the text (or was calling his bluff), the fact that she sent the text at all, the fact that she knows about these tests and potential surgery further down the line, the long wait before she sent the follow-up text. Calling me and DD 'awesome' and saying she didn't want to break up our family, like it's something really selfless and kind of her.

I agree with you that the timing is dreadful. That's the part that I wouldn't be able to forget; that and the ZOO! But I think you can give her a break on complimenting your family. My guess is that she genuinely thinks she's being sincere about that. Also wanting you to see the text; attention-seeking, needy, selfish as it is, I don't think she did it to be spiteful or to rattle your cage. It sounds like there is a part of her that needs to feel she's doing the right thing. As another part of her is clearly feeling compelled to do the wrong thing, overall her actions are contradictory and weird. I wouldn't attribute malicious motives to everything in a bid to make her actions comprehensible. She seems anything but consistent and rational.

I would be speaking to your DH and his best mate, as they are organising the walk, and asking them to politely and firmly request that she leaves the team. Marriage is hard enough without throwing landmines into it. Your DH may be a good egg but you have no idea what he may feel in an unguarded moment a few years down the line - why have someone around who could be just waiting for a moment to step in with 'friendly' advice etc.

When you were working full time and your dp was sahd with your dd , who is her godd, she wd have had lots of opportunity for whatever she wanted to set up with your op.e.g.visit the zoo. Did she visit 'her godd ' in your house when you were working ? She seems to send her poisoned emails to your dp not you. Is that because she was his friend originally ? I am beginning to realise she has carefully crafted this so that she could present a very different slant on all this to your friends and relatives. Since she has been steadily coming more into the open in her attack on your family, it would make sense for the experienced bunny boiler she seems to be, to also be protecting her rear with a cover story. Have you heard whispers that indicate she is already doing this? Is there anyone who would tell you if you asked? I am not experienced in guerrilla warfare. Would it be a mistake to ask and perhaps serve your purpose better to tell selected friends and relatives what she has done- with copies of emails and timelines ? This is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure mners with more knowledge in this area can advise you re the best tactics.

She visited in the house once, but that was when she was still with her boyfriend, and he came too. After breaking up with him, she asked if they could meet up in Costa so she could see DD. OH picked me up on my lunch break so I could go too - not out of any suspicion at that point, just because I love their toasties - so she hasn't been alone with them at any point.

She was his friend originally, they worked together for a while before he and I got together. Only for a couple of months though.

I've not heard any whispers, and there's not really anyone who would tell me as we don't move in the same circles other than the hobby group.

She's smart not to target a man in her own circles and she joined the hobby group specifically to target you dp. The plus side, as i see it, is you can lay the ground work for her to be kicked out of the hobby group by showing the emails and explaining the timeline to dp's buddy , who helps organise the group and to fil who is straight arrow on this kind of behaviour. That way fil will help to bring mil and sil on line and buddy will bolster your dp who seems not to be taking a strong enuf line on this woman. It's possible that mil and sil have heard something. As they like her she would be smart to work on them - and she is smart-just not in a nice way. She's done this kind of thing before. Do you know anyone from the place where she and you dp worked? Wonder why she and her bf broke up?

I don't know anyone else from where she worked. She told DP they broke up because he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore.

She's Fucking delusional. Don't beat around the bush when you tell the inlwas.

She wanted you to see the text because she wants to be in control of the situation, she thinks she has power and wants to assert it. The only thing you can do is cut all ties. Completely. Change your numbers, delete hers. Change your habits and hobbies too. Tell your ILs that she's persona non-grata and if they want to stay in contact with her they are to provide zero information on you and your family, etc.

I haven't read the whole thread but I've read enough to know that at best, she is a selfish drama queen, getting this off of her chest for her own benefit and with no thought to anyone else. At worst, she's made a very clear play for your husband and in your full sight too - hence why she said show you the message.

Good friends don't do either of these things. Cut her off.

It's such a fucked up situation :( DP is so stressed and it's the last thing he needs right now.

Her actions are having the desired effect. Now too many of your and OH's thoughts are focused on her. She got herself and her drama to be centre stage in your family, even though you and OH actually have far more important things to think about.

These are not the actions of a good friend.

She has put herself into yours and OH's heads as the 'other woman'. She's trying to be a threat to your relationship. Don't allow this.

She is thinking only of herself. Not of her Godchild, nor of her 'friends'.

She wants your OH, and she's doing what she thinks it will take to get him.

Spectacularly selfish when she knows about your health worries!

Does this woman know you have current health issues OP? If she does, please tell me she's not thinking you may not be around soon so is staking her claim to your DH sooner rather than later. I know this sounds a bit out there but what she has done is so so very strange in the first place that I am struggling to imagine wtf she is thinking. If she is prepared to send a text like that, who knows how far down the road she is thinking? I would totally block her forever as she deserves no benefit of any doubt imo.

Spiney that's a good point really... she was asking quite a lot about it, so she knows that it's a mass they've found, they can't rule out a tumour, possibly surgery needed even if it's not etc. I bloody hope she's not staking her claim to him as I fully intend to be around forever for another 70 years so she'll be disappointed.

We've not heard anything else from her, but if she does get in touch I think it'll be time to have a few home truths.

Spiney That's not helpful. Far too upsetting to think about and for no good reason even if it was the case. Which it probably isn't.

If she really cared about him, his happiness and your family she would not have said that. It may be true, but a decent person would have kept it to herself. She's being disingenuous by telling him to show it to you. She's acting like a wounded martyr but she knows the damage it will do and she's hoping it will eventually work out in her favour.

I think you need to lay a few things on the line for DH now.

Jorah - hope all the tests etc prove innocent and you're okay.

was she asking you or your dp about your medical status? If she was asking you ,what was your gut reaction to her questions-caring or not? If it was your dp she was quizzing ,that tells you a lot. What kind of communication does she have with you? Trying to get info about your relationship, about what you are doing, etc that she can turn to her advantage, or meaningless chit chat or--? Since i do not beleive in coincidences, i think it's not an accident that she has come out into the open at the point where your health is in jeopardy. Whose idea was it that she be a godmother? So you are fighting on 2 fronts-and you need allies. You say your dp is under so much stress-but it's your health that is under stress . I hope he can be supportive and strong for you and your dd. If he has anything to get off his conscience regarding this woman , better he does it now and renews his bond with you and disempowers this predator who seems very sure of herself. Do you beleive in the power of well wishing? because we are all wishing that for you.

She asked DP and then she asked me afterwards.

She doesn't really have a huge amount of conversation with me, but recently when we have seen each other it was chatting about uni and what my plans are now that I'm graduating etc. She used to chat to DP occasionally on Facebook, but he's always been very open with his FB - we use each other's phones and send messages on each other's behalf when the other is busy, and I've never seen anything to cause any concern on there - it tends to be very short conversations, "hi, how are you", "good, you?", "I'm good, what have you been up to?" sort of catch-ups.

I suggested she be godmother, as the other three are my close friends from university (also friends with DP, but they were originally my friends), so I suggested that she be another godmother, as someone DP was friends with first, and also as we thought she was lovely and a good influence for DD.

To be honest he's been amazing - he has taken on all of the childcare and housework while I've been in and out of hospital, never once complained or acted resentful, and in dealing with this he said his first priority is me and DD rather than salving her conscience or her feelings. At the moment I feel like if we send another message, she'll be like "Why are you bringing this up, I apologised etc etc" and it's drama we don't need - if she does try anything else, DP will come down on it like a ton of bricks, and I will let FIL know.

I really do appreciate all the advice and kind wishes from you all.

You and your OH are obviously completely in tune, and fully determined that this woman won't be allowed to come between you. At this point, that's really all you can expect to handle, because quite honestly you both need all your strength to face up to whatever is going on with your health.

Try to put it to bed for now, and concentrate on getting through the next weeks. In the grand scheme of things, she really isn't important, just a sad person with her own issues that, as long as she is watched, don't need to affect you.

I wish you well with all that you are so bravely facing.

OH and I were in the car today and he remembered something odd. When he was at the hobby on Thursday, she asked him for a lift. He was already giving his best mate a lift, so the best mate got in the front (he refuses to sit anywhere else even when I'm in the car and she sat in the back (the baby seat was with me at home).

There's an extra mirror pointed at the baby seat so DP can keep an eye on her if they're in the car just the two of them. She saw the mirror and asked if it was his perv mirror, so that he could get a good look at her boobs he said his mate had made a jokey comment about it so he didn't confront her about it, but in light of the message he said it now seems like yet another flirtation attempt :( It doesn't make a huge difference in the long run as we already know what she's up to but it's yet another piece of proof of how inappropriate she's being.

Thanks for the kind wishes.

Urgh what a horrible woman. The good thing is that your DH is obviously being extremely open about everything which must be reassuring for you.

Ohhhh, she's grim.