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Original poster

How would you react to this?

268 replies

jorahmormont · 17/09/2015 18:41

OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.

She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.

OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.

My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?

Sorry it's a ramble.

OP posts:
MultiShirker · 19/09/2015 09:45

I'm glad you're angry OP because what this woman has done is very selfish. Sometimes, we have secrets which need to remain secrets. Sometimes, telling other people our stuff is too much to burden them with. It's very sad for her, she's obvs in a difficult place.

The difficulty is the shared activity. Ideally, your DH needs to tell her face to face at their hobby that he does not want or need her in his life. Or just ignore her, or be polite but distant.

That'll be the tough bit. Because some all? men can be quite emotionally obtuse and unaware of their vulnerability to something "just happening" Good luck -- what a tough situation Flowers

TendonQueen · 19/09/2015 10:34

He will have to tell her that he will not be going on the charity thing next year if she goes. That will include, unfortunately, making a stand if she turns up on the day, having calculated that he won't then want to make a fuss. Best if she gives up the hobby (what a coincidence that she decided it interested her, eh?) before then. She will have to find other ways of making new friends.

springydaffs · 19/09/2015 10:38

Or move. Back where she came from.

80schild · 19/09/2015 10:56

You lot are so cynical about her motivations - she clearly wanted to get it off her chest and might even be a bit depressed about her own relationship working out.

Whilst she needs to be confronted about the inappropriateness and the awkwardness it has caused, to suggest she be cut out of your lives completely when she has been a good friend for many years is just a bit much. She is probably just mourning the loss of her relationship and is looking for somewhere to hang those feelings on. I wouldn't read so much into it, as she wants an affair because she clearly doesn't.

Original poster
jorahmormont · 19/09/2015 11:14

The group will refuse to allow her on the walk before they'd let DP walk away from it as he and his best mate are organising it (and they're the only ones who can conceivably walk over 40 miles in two days carrying eight stone of gear Grin ).

80s I get that she wanted to get it off her chest, but why couldn't she offload to someone else - not to DP, and then tell him to show me as well, when she knows the stress we're under?

OP posts:
amarmai · 19/09/2015 11:20

actually 80s, i'm cynical about your motivation for this extraordinary whitewashing of what we've been told. Did you read anything or are you identifying with this would be OW?

BathtimeFunkster · 19/09/2015 11:44

There is no benign motive for throwing a bomb like that into a young family going through a health crisis.

None.

Only an utterly poisonous, monumentally selfish person would think it permissible to send a message like that to a man with a toddler and a partner waiting to go for an MRI.

Sometimes people turn out to be shit. She has. So the right thing to do is bin her and move on.

MatrixReloaded · 19/09/2015 11:55

I think it's much fairer to let her know she's not welcome at the hobby in advance. Perhaps fil could tell her ?

cremeeggboycotter · 19/09/2015 12:33

You lot are so cynical about her motivations - she clearly wanted to get it off her chest and might even be a bit depressed about her own relationship working out.

I've had unrequited love before, I lamented to my friends about it- I got it off my chest to them. To say it to the object of affection as well as not even retractive 'so sorry' the next day suggests she was waiting to see his reaction first. And very very poor timing on her part.

Flutterbutterfly · 19/09/2015 12:38

She would be out of our lives. Sorry but she is trouble.

SubUrbaneFox · 19/09/2015 12:43

Wow. She should have said nothing!!!

To say "your family is awesome" then in the next breath "i'm in love with you", that is extremely disingenuous. It's like acting innocent, announcing innocence but still going ahead and doing something potentially very destructive.

I agree with OP that she sees the wedding coming and is thinking, now or never.

SubUrbaneFox · 19/09/2015 12:44

Ps, I don't think mn are cynical here.

I've had feelings for a married man! A guy I was friendly with at school married a lovely woman. From the day he introduced her, I shrugged and thought 'ah well :-/ ' and never ever did or said anything flirty ever again.

goawayalready · 19/09/2015 12:45

sorry but wow you just don't do that i mean i fancied a bloke ages ago dismissed him because he was feckless and a bit of a womaniser turns out he could settle down after all and he is a lovely bloke i would never ever tell him that no matter what just because im single HE IS NOT

SubUrbaneFox · 19/09/2015 12:57

oh boy, i didn't see your earlier thread, but she suggested going to the zoo with your partner and your child, and you stay at home?? Confused

I think she hoped that your oh would 'fall' for her on that zoo trip and then when it didn't happen,she has thrown this grenade in. tick tock, wedding is soon. she can't be subtle now.

0dfod · 19/09/2015 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatrixReloaded · 19/09/2015 14:39

I really would let fil make it clear she's not welcome at this hobby.. It will save potential drama and awkwardness. Men do not typically like to upset women , especially in social situations, and if she turns on the tears it's going to be very awkward.

Original poster
jorahmormont · 19/09/2015 14:42

I was working full time, and she wanted to meet up and go to the zoo. OH suggested weekends, so that I could be there too, but she insisted that she wanted to do it on a weekday 'so it would be cheaper', despite knowing I couldn't get time off.

OP posts:
CateCadiz · 19/09/2015 17:08

Most people have mourned the loss of a relationship, needed to get things off their chest....some even feel suicidal. It's not nice, but that alone should give enough insight not to want to cause hurt or upset to others. That's what uninvolved friends or counsellors are for.

amarmai · 19/09/2015 18:29

she's really twisted- the way she frames things , she sounds almost reasonable. The trouble is the end result is shutting out the op and getting with her dp and dd. Once you see the pattern , you can't not see it. Wonder how she'll frame the camping trip? she might give the hike a skip- it sounds really arduous . Hey , a girl can only put out x amount of energy to get her man!

80schild · 19/09/2015 19:09

I can identify with breaking up with someone and feeling upset / insecure enough that I might just think the next person who is nice to me is actually, whether it be someone I have known for years or someone I have just met, the love of my life.

She will get over it if she is told (as OP's DH has made clear) that her behaviour was unacceptable. Also, regarding the hobby she will probably feel uncomfortable enough not to pitch up for a while. Once her life has settled down again the OP's husband will be forgotten.

RaspberryOverload · 19/09/2015 19:38

I really suspect this won't be the last you hear of this, so I feel it would be wise to tell your FIL and get him onside before this person comes back and does something else.

That was a very manipulative message and the "retraction" doesn't really seem genuine.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/09/2015 19:43

So what, 80s?

You don't get to behave like that, and then just move on with it swept under the carpet. Life doesn't work like that.

When you behave really badly, people will cut you out. Why wouldn't they? They have nothing to gain from keeping someone like this woman around.

Otherwise, you're basically saying people should have no boundaries, and should just put up with what level of shit people throw at them, accepting all of it.

Odd.

Baconyum · 19/09/2015 19:46

80schild there's a BIG difference between having a crush and doing what this woman has. It's not just ONE message, at my count there's been at least 4 things she's done which are predatory and inappropriate. I stand by my previous posts, get her gone!!

Wearyheadedlady · 19/09/2015 19:47

OP. You need to banish this woman. Unless you fancy a long term menage-a-trois situation, she has got to go, properly, gone.

I had a very similar situation with my DH and a friend/ ex-gf who had come and gone over the years (when it suited her) and she reappeared thinking I might be off the scene, but wasn't.

No thank you.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 19/09/2015 20:09

This woman stopped being a trusted long time friend the minute she thought it was appropriate to declare she was in love with a spoken for friend with a child and a partner with health worries. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was hoping he would grab the chance to either have her on the side or dump you for a future with her.

Cut her out, never see her again. She did this to herself and deserves no sympathy.
You owe her nothing at all.