How would you react to this?

[jorahmormont]

OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.

She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.

OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.

My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?

Sorry it's a ramble.

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

What does your DH think should be done?

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

What does your DH think should be done?
Yes, that's a good question because that will give insight into why he showed you the message. If he's suggesting anything other than telling her to back off, then your problem isn't only with the OW, it's with him too.

[Terrifiedandregretful]

I have deep regrets about not acting on a love many years ago. In my crazy moments I think of telling the man in question (now married with 3 kids), but then I remind myself that would be an incredibly selfish and harmful thing to do. If I were to tell him (which I never will), the motivation would of course be the vain hope that he reciprocated my feelings. As others have said telling him doesn't take balls; it's making a play for him.

[TRexingInAsda]

YY to drop her like a hot stone, no more contact from either of you after a brief message, signed from both of you, to the effect of 'Thanks for letting us know how you feel, obviously we don't want to make things difficult or awkward so I'm sure you'll understand we won't be seeing you anymore, please don't contact again'. She is not your friend!!

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

To be fair, I suspect my (excellent and very loyal) DH wouldn't want to tell her to back off in this situation.

He'd probably go for the quietly back the hell off and never speak to her again option because he'd want to be kind.

As I said up thread though. She and I would be having coffee and cake and a nice smiley chat.

[jorahmormont]

Thanks for the replies. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner.

Wrt the hobby, it's not something he can find another group for (it doesn't work like that, and it's his family who run this particular group and need him as they're a man down) but there's one event left this year, which I will be at, and other than that he won't see her. He is leaving next year anyway.

He showed me as he was completely confused by the message and didn't know what to think - I asked him straight out if any part of him still had a crush on her or wondered what if, and he said not at all, the crush was very short-lived.

I can't think what OH might have done to encourage the behaviour AnyFucker, I'm not with him constantly but he makes no effort to hide his phone etc so I've seen their messages to each other before - totally innocuous stuff, which is why this had taken me by surprise.

The one occasion I can think of as a precursor to this was a few months ago, she's just moved back to the area and asked OH if we could meet up on a weekday. He explained that I was working full time, so she suggested that her, OH and DD go to the zoo. OH felt uncomfortable with this and asked me how I felt, I said I felt upset at the idea of them walking around like a family while I was stuck at work, and he agreed so it didn't happen. I remember thinking it was weird that she wanted it to be just her and OH and DD.

He said she just seemed quite nervous at the weekend, but he put it down to it being her first weekend at the hobby in a while.

The more I think about it, the more I think she must have been hoping that OH wouldn't show me, and would start seeing her on the side.

[jorahmormont]

Speaking to him in more depth about it, he wants to back off from her because he doesn't want to encourage it, but he doesn't want to tell her to fuck off in so many words because they've been friends a long time. I think he's holding out hope that she just wanted to get it off her chest and now it's done, although he said himself he'd only send that message if he wanted it to be acted on.

[Liara]

Oh, I don't know. Everyone here always thinks the worst of everyone.

My guess is that she felt like she was making a fool of herself around him all the time, like a silly teenager and it was driving her crazy. Maybe she felt that by getting it out in the open she would clear the air and be able to move on inside herself, in the knowledge that once you knew nothing could ever actually happen with him.

From your dh's reaction it is clear that he wasn't responding in any way, nor will he, so there is no reason to think that she expected otherwise (why would she?).

You two are clearly a very solid couple, so I don't see why you would need to start going all possessive and stupid - that would be a sign of insecurity, which you have no reason to have.

Your first instinct of shrugging it off would be my response. In fact when dh had a female stalker 'admirer' for a while it was my response -- along with a certain amount of amusement at her rather extreme antics (which I would obviously not have had if it was someone I cared for, I would have felt sorry for her)

[ImperialBlether]

I think she will be surprised to hear he's told you. Is there a chance anyone told her recently that he'd had a crush on her ages ago?

She must be out of her mind, though. Who would do that? It might be something actually saying it to him, but putting it in writing? There's no denying it there, is there?

I don't like her implication that due to her holding back, there won't be an affair. That is very presumptuous!

Has he replied?

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

Liara I think I'd agree with you if she hadn't sent the email. The the OP had just worked out from body language that this person fancied her DH then amusement and sympathy would be appropriate.

However she made an aggressive move with that email. Deliberately.

I wouldn't be horrible to the woman or 'possessive and stupid'. I'd be calm and 'friendly' but she'd leave the meeting knowing not to mess with my family.

[Liara]

I think having a meeting with her, however 'friendly' smacks a bit of insecurity, and not trusting her dh to do the right thing.

She sent the email to her dh, and OP has every reason to be confident that her dh will deal with it appropriately. She therefore has no reason at all to get involved, imo.

[jorahmormont]

He's not replied to that message; he said he wasn't sure what to say. She messaged him a little while ago with something unrelated, a question about the hobby, and he replied to that. I think he feels very uncomfortable about it as he's not really ever had an admirer before, let alone one who's come out and said "I'm in love with you".

As far as I know, I'm the only person he has ever told about the crush on her, so I can't see how she would have found out

[pictish]

I think a reply signed from both of you would probably be enough to stop her in her tracks. I agree with everyone else btw - she is chucking her all in the fuck it bucket and making a bold play for your husband.

[TendonQueen]

I think either she worked out at the time that he had a crush, or someone else in their circle of friends told her. So she knew but didn't want to act on it. Now she's decided she does. I agree with others that this is her making a deliberate move. The only other explanation is that she simply can't control herself and doesn't realise/care how selfish this is. Therefore she is bad news for your family either way.

[springydaffs]

What a cow. Or at least a total pain in the backside on all fronts. Everything isn't about her.

I don't agree she's done this bcs she's in pain bcs she's so in love. She has made a direct bid for your husband, right under your nose.

Sandwich short etc (if I were being kind). Big deal she's in 'love' (and, if we're being technical about 'love' we wouldn't seek to destroy our loved-ones family and happiness bcs of our 'love') .

I hope your dh doesn't feel obligated on some level to spare her feelings...

[BathtimeFunkster]

I wouldn't be having any meetings with her.

But neither would he.

Ever again.

That little stunt would mean she was permanently ostracised from our family.

Manipulative, selfish bitch.

[jorahmormont]

I do wonder if, because I like several wedding planning pages on Facebook, and she follows me on Pinterest so she will have seen me wedding planning, and also because it's no secret that we're hoping to have a second DC next year, if she sees this as her last chance to get in there and change his mind? A sort of 'speak now or forever hold your peace' moment, perhaps?

I am starting to see that it definitely appears deliberate. I never wanted to be one of 'those' possessive girlfriends that perceives every last little thing as flirting, but thinking about it now it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

[BifsWif]

Would you be willing to text her one of the excellent responses that some other posters have given?

[Blu]

I think he should reply in a neutral but firm tone to say he is surprised that she should say such things, given that she knows how strong your marriage is , that he has never had occasion to feel regret or consider any what ifs in his relationship and so He would be grateful if she keeps her thoughts and feelings on an appropriate level.

And then remain cool, civil and friendly enough. But really, you and he have to avoid her until she has calmed down. It sounds as if she is reacting to the end of her relationship and having a bit of a mid lifer.

I disagree that your DH must have done something to encourage this and I am wondering what response a woman would get if she posted that an old friend had come on to her and her DH was suspecting her of having led him on and trying to control her leisure activities as a result !

[thehypocritesoaf]

She's a nutter/trouble.

No reasonable person would do this. I imagine she hoped for a furtive I love you back.

[DragonsCanHop]

I'd be fuming. I'd let her know he had shown me the message and ask her wtf was wrong with her, fucking self centred entitled fuck wit.

[amarmai]

how do you ungodmother someone?
what did she do that was she apologising for?
wonder where she learned that nasty crafty come on?
You dh cannot not be thinking about this espec in light of his memories .
Think you need an all out blow out fight with this dame with a lot of witnesses who have been shown this shemail and who will chant 'fight!fight!fight' and make sure you win so she slinks off never to show her jezebel face again.