How would you react to this?

[jorahmormont]

OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.

She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.

OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.

My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?

Sorry it's a ramble.

[independentfriend]

I don't agree that explaining how you feel is selfish. What would, IMO, be selfish would be expecting somebody to act on the basis of your expressed feelings. So far she's expressed her feelings to your husband. Things are out in the open, which ought to reduce the overall level of awkwardness when you're all in the same place. Nothing else has changed, other than that you both have a better idea of what's going on for her.

I don't know what agreements you and your husband have around monogamy/ethical non-monogamy - your position here will reflect what you say to her next.

Working on the basis your relationship is monogamous, I would have thought the most important thing to protect is her relationship with her goddaughter/your daughter, given that godparent/godchild relationships are meant to be long term supportive relationships for the child. So, I'd suggest starting a conversation with her about what she wants to happen now; how does she see her relationship with her goddaughter continuing? how does she feel about spending time with you? your husband? both of you together? It might be that's too hard for her at the moment. It might be she's not bothered and is OK with being with some combination(s) of you all. You and your husband get to make choices too; maybe you'd like to see her together and see how that feels? Maybe you want to avoid her for a while? Though given she's the one with [currently] unrequited(?) feelings and/or feelings nobody is acting on because of the agreements within your relationship around monogamy. I'd expect the awkwardness to be on her side rather than yours.

[Blu]

I think it much better that your DH sends her a message making it very clear that her approach has been unwelcome. If you do, you will look jealous, and thus threatened, which means potentially vulnerable, in the face of the great romance she has written in her head.

[thehypocritesoaf]

I couldn't be arsed with all that.

Fantastic buttocks reply was nice- or something short and breezy -

Hi, sorry to hear that. Bit awkward. Me and the wife wish you well for the future.

[BathtimeFunkster]

The last thing your daughter needs in her life is a nasty cunt who tried to split up her family.

You can find her a new godmother after you make sure the shite one you mistakenly picked is history.

[AskBasil]

Whatever tone it takes, the message has got to come loud and clear from him.

Not from both of you, from him.

[Blu]

IndependentFriend: are you assuming that if it weren't for a monogamy agreement the OPs DH would be right in there like a rat up a drain simply because he was asked?
From the OPs account , her DH is not interested per se, as well as not wishing to disturb his marriage .

[thehypocritesoaf]

I dunno about that- she kind of dares him to tell the wife- I think if he doesn't mention her, she'll think she and him have an understanding together.

[jorahmormont]

I'll chat to DP about it in a while. I don't particularly want to send a message to her, just in case she turns it around into a 'Oh, it was just a perfectly innocent blah de blah, you must not trust him if you're that suspicious', and also because my head is mashed at the moment and I think whatever I said would come out wrong (just to add insult to injury she's done this at a time when we're both incredibly stressed, and she knows this, because I'm having a load of hospital tests at the moment and DP is getting stressed about it).

I think the only option is for DP to tell her how awkward it makes things, and how inappropriate it is for her to say that, knowing that we're getting married in the near future and have a family, and what she expected him to say in response. And then avoid avoid avoid.

[jorahmormont]

We are very much monogamous, btw.

[BifsWif]

It is even more disgusting that she has done this knowing you are having medical tests.

[Onedirectionarestillloved]

I agree with everyone else ( apart from independant friend).

What a nasty thing to do.

Why would she do that.

You don't have to keep her in your life no matter whose godmother she is.

I would send the message from both of you telling her politely to fuck off and never ever come back.

[AyeAmarok]

She's just launched a grenade right into the middle of your relationship. There is no way that message was sent as anything other than an overture.

[Bakeoffcake]

IndependentFriend "The most important thing is to protect her relationship with her Godchild"

What a ridiculous thing to say

This woman wouldn't be coming anywhere near my child ever again. She's a spiteful cow.

[ImperialBlether]

I think, then, given your health concerns, that he should write, "How dare you send that message? You know how happy my marriage is, you know how much I love OP and you know how worried we are about her health. What the fuck do you think you are doing saying that you are in love with me? What a destructive, callous, selfish bitch you are. I want nothing to do with you."

[TRexingInAsda]

Maybe he should keep it short and sweet, well not sweet. How about "No thanks, sorry." He needs to turn her down or there will be a really, really awkward face to face conversation next time they see each other.

[goblinhat]

Bunny boiler.

I don;t understand why you would choose a woman as you DDs godmother that your OH used to have a crush on . That's odd.

[MissMarpleCat]

Christ, what a complete bitch doing this when she knows you're having tests and your both very worried. Words fail me

[lotsoffunandgames]

I agree with many of the posters. He needs to reply and explain that you both no longer want any contact with her. It was totally out if order.she should have kept it to herself. By telling him I think she was trying to tempt him away from you and his family. It's not about not trusting your oh, it's about not wanting any contact with someone with no morals who wants to split up your family and she can't be trusted. I would not want to see or speak to her again. Get a new godmother.

[jorahmormont]

Thankfully DD has three other lovely godparents, as we broke with tradition and went for four.

The more I think about it, the angrier I am. Even if she feels that way, even if it is just that she needed to get it off her chest and confess it, why would she tell him to let me see it? Why would she pick now, while all this is going on, to message it to him? Actually, why would she need to say it at all? If she was really so at peace with it, and didn't want anything to come of it, she wouldn't have sent it at all?

[springydaffs]

Things change, goblin. I have a good relationship with a couple where the dh and I were erm close for a while (leads in a play). We both got a bit hot under the collar (emotionally! Nothing EVER done or said) - but it passed and now we're good friends. ALL good friends. If she's been a good friend for a long time it's reasonable for her to be a godmother.

That was before you found out what sort of person she was. Sack her.

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

IndependentFriend I find your response surprising.

You write as if the woman concerned is entitled to a relationship with the child. She is not.

She was privileged by the child's parents to have a special place in her life.

However it is conditional on basic standards of reasonable behaviour.

The woman feels what she feels. I tell my children, 'you can't always choose how you feel, but you can choose how you behave'.

It isnot reasonable to declare your love to a man in a serious relationship.

She has deliberately caused hurt and distress.

[springydaffs]

Plus wrecking her parents marriage/home is not exactly in the best interests of the child.

[jorahmormont]

goblin Things change, and he was no longer interested in her that way, but they stayed friends, and she was in a relationship with someone else. She seemed like such a lovely person, which was why I actually suggested her. I'd never want to tell DP not to be close to someone, regardless of whether he used to have a crush on them. My best friend through secondary school and I really liked each other, but never picked up the courage to admit it to each other - heck, our parents were convinced we'd end up getting married some day. By the time were were mature enough to actually admit it, I was with DP, and realised that how I felt for DP was completely different to how I felt for my friend - it had been a temporary silly crush on my friend, but I was in love with DP, and that's how he feels about this woman too.

[DoJo]

Things are out in the open, which ought to reduce the overall level of awkwardness when you're all in the same place.

Really? So instead of her being 'in love' with someone who doesn't know about it, she has decided to tell him and his wife that she's in love with him and that makes things less awkward when the three of them are together? I can honestly say I cannot imagine any scenario where a net reduction in the level of awkwardness would be the expected outcome of such an announcement.

I would have thought the most important thing to protect is her relationship with her goddaughter/your daughter, given that godparent/godchild relationships are meant to be long term supportive relationships for the child.

That's a really unusual approach - I would have thought that the most important thing was to protect the relationship between that child's parents to avoid any potential threat to their relationship from a third party who is clearly putting her own feelings above those of the three family members involved, especially when they are already going through the emotional ringer and therefore are not really in the market for additional upheaval.

[goblinhat]

jorahmormont

Sure. I have seen too much of life to swallow that.

Having a crush on someone is something that we always remember. Yes you can fall in love with someone else, but that history doesn't go away.