How would you react to this?

[jorahmormont]

OH showed me a message he received today from one of his close friends. They have known each other slightly longer than I've known him, and we all see each other every now and then.

She is DD's godmother. Before I got together with OH, he had a crush on her, but never acted on it. We got together shortly afterwards and he didn't speak to her for a long time as she moved away. She has recently split from her boyfriend and moved back to the area, and so we are seeing her more often.

OH has received a message from her apologising if she acted weird over the weekend and yesterday (he went to do a hobby with his family, which she also does - I stayed at home with DD), but she admitted in the message that she is in love with him, and has been for a long time. She said she would never want anything to happen now, as she described our family as "awesome" and said that we work together, but she admitted that she thinks about what would have happened if they'd gotten together, and she had to tell him that she loves him and regrets not acting on it sooner. She said OH didn't have to keep it a secret from me, and was happy for me to see the message.

My initial reaction was to shrug it off - fair play it must have taken some balls for her to write that, and if she was happy for me to see it, she can't be expecting anything to happen between them. It's only as the day has gone on that I've wondered if maybe I should be more bothered by it, but I can't figure out why. I don't know if it's because I feel like I don't understand why she had sent it now after all this time, just when we've started seeing more of her. I don't know how to feel, basically, and I'm wondering if you would react like me and just shrug it off, or whether you'd feel odd about it?

Sorry it's a ramble.

[jorahmormont]

Her relationship with DD isn't even registering on my list of important things right now, to be honest. What is important is making sure that DD isn't exposed to someone who wants to come between me and her dad, and who clearly has no consideration for what we're going through at the moment. She was asking about it on Sunday and we told her how serious it had the potential to be.

I do wonder if maybe it's just an attention thing? She asked OH for advice after the break up and vented to him quite a lot, and then the past couple of weeks he's been distracted with all of this. Part of me wonders if maybe she has no intention of breaking things up, and just wants his attention again. Or is that wishful thinking? :(

[springydaffs]

Well I've been around a erm while and ime I look back at those crushes and think .. a combination of aw and how daft. Or yuk. Never wistful. They're completely in the past.

[jorahmormont]

I don't know what you're getting at though, goblin. I suggested her as godmother, not DP, so it wasn't like him saying "Ooh, I know, let's have my old flame as godmother".

[springydaffs]

Wishful thinking.

Or.. she wants his attention when you're going through so much?? Nice.

[MatrixReloaded]

Ffs. I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard this rubbish. Despite living with her partner she's been secretly pining and dreaming of your husband, despite not speaking to him in how long ? Utter bullshit. How fucking desperately newly single it is.

She hasn't told him out of some weird type of honour, she's told him to attempt to flatter him and also to blatantly create waves in your marriage. Her attempt to have an outing to the zoo wasn't honourable either as you now realize.

As someone else suggested I would either meet her or I'd message her and I wouldn't be polite. This is a blatant act of hostility against you and your family. Given half a chance she'd be fucking your husband and enjoying half your savings plus playing step mum to your dd. Others may disagree but I think being passive about this is a mistake. Her statement about it being ok to show you the message is a challenge at you and suggests she doesn't think you'll actually do anything about it.

If in-laws run the hobby then they need to be told about this and it needs to be made clear she's not welcome at the hobby. He needs to have absolutely no contact with her ever again.

Be very careful Op. Stuff like this can be very very flattering.

[springydaffs]

This is a blatant act of hostility against you and your family.

Absolutely

I also have to agree, sadly, that things like this can be very seductive - even to people who are usually well-grounded. Hence swift and decisive action. She is a threat, get rid of her.

[Jux]

She wants your dh to reciprocate. Why bother telling him at all if she's got no intention of acting on it, and thinks your family is awesome? If she really meant that, she'd just quietly back off, and not say a word.

As it is, it's an open invitation to your dh.

[jorahmormont]

It all makes me so angry. This is the last thing we need right now. If my FIL finds out, he'll make sure she knows to back off.

[MatrixReloaded]

I really think it's important that you don't hide your anger about this from your husband. I think it's important your husband and this idiot know you are willing to stand up for both yourself and your family. Please don't confuse showing appropriate anger with appearing weak or jealous.

You've both previously considered her a friend. I think that was a mistake and possibly if you examine past behaviour you might find that this isn't the first time she's behaved in a boundryless manner. It might appear that she's genuinely in love with your Dh but I doubt it. I think she considers him a weak boundryless sap who's easily flattered. (Im not saying he is ) It's clear she also considers you a sap who probably won't do anything about it. She also seems extra brazen considering the hobby with your family.

It's not normal behaviour. She's a serious problem.

[MatrixReloaded]

You really need to tell your fil then. The more clear it is made to her the better.

[moonriverandme]

Your parner needs to tell her to put some boundaries in place and show some respect for her god daughter's parents, especially her mother. She needs to hear it from him. I would be accompanying him to the hobby and not agreeing to him seeing her alone. She is not a friend. She is making a play for your partner. She may be sad, lonely etc etc but she needs to find an unattached, available man, not her goddaughter's father.

[jorahmormont]

DP is a sappy bugger but good with boundaries Matrix :) thankfully he's not easily flattered, as he finds it difficult to believe anything nice about himself. He has major self-confidence and self-worth issues, which we're working through, but that makes me worry that he'll be flattered by what she says. So far, thankfully, he just seems very weirded out by it, and very awkward, but I worry that this is going to undo all the hard work we've done with his self confidence, and it's not doing wonders for mine either

God, I really thought that she was just a friend. I had no idea she felt this way about OH. The message read very much as "I think all the time about what if we'd gotten together, I wish I'd been brave enough to ask you out all that time ago, I wasn't happy with my ex" etc.

Fucking argh!!

[CateCadiz]

I feel that this woman knows that she would not stand a chance with your OH. Otherwise she would have got him on his own and told him that she's in love with him.

No, this is a vicious act, hidden behind a passive message. Sent solely to cause as much devastation to your relationship, as possible. Even the timing is calculated, given your health worries.

The woman is poison, and shouldn't be allowed near your little family again. She wants what you have.

[MatrixReloaded]

I imagine she is acutely aware of his self confidence issues and your health problems. She sounds a manipulative horrible bitch.

Have you decided how your going to deal with it ?

[SunshineAndShadows]

Alright single-woman brutal honestly. I'm not married, no kids, have experienced can the 'what if' moment etc etc.
This woman is monumentally selfish and posing your relationship - cut her off.

I have a male friend I feel that way about. I recognise that it is unhealthy and his Family happiness is a priority

[jorahmormont]

I'll let FIL know when I see him next; I think it's better to chat to him about it in person than through texts or a phone call.

I think DP is going to send her a message tomorrow and tell her in no uncertain terms that it's inappropriate for her to send messages like that, as it creates an awkward atmosphere, and puts pressure on us at a time when we're already hugely worried, and there is no need for it - especially if, as she says, she has no desire to be with him. After that, I suppose it depends on her reaction, but if we do go along to the last meeting of the hobby in October, I'll make sure she knows that I'm keeping an eye on her, and there will definitely be no more requests to meet up with DP for a coffee, or to go to the zoo with him and DD.

[springydaffs]

If you must..

Then freeze her RIGHT OUT. For good.

[Baconyum]

She sent this message at a time when she knew your partner would be feeling vulnerable and (she hoped) looking for comfort and support.

She's trying to not only cuckold you out of your partners life but your daughters! (The zoo visit. This is what I'd be most angry about. Does she have kids?)

She has completely disregarded the privilege you extended to her in asking her to be your dd's godmother.

She's being massively disrespectful to your relationship as a whole.

I think your partner needs to send her a message along the lines of

'You have behaved completely inappropriately with this message, your behaviour recently at the hobby and your suggestion to have a day out excluding OP. The only appropriate thing for you to do now is to remove yourself from our lives including the hobby. You are no longer dd's godmother. A godmother doesn't attempt to undermine their parents relationship.'

Then you both need to cut her out completely.

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

Jorah I think that sounds like a very sensible approach.

[jorahmormont]

She doesn't have kids, no.

I'm so angry. For her to say 'your family is awesome', 'I don't want anything to happen', it all seems so disingenuous now, and it hurts. She knows it's a difficult time - she knows I'm on tramadol and my head is mashed; she knows DP is getting stressed over the tests and is looking after me, she knows that there's the possibility it could be very bad, and despite all of that, she picked now to send the message, and requested that he show me.

I think that's what really hurts. She's entitled to feel how she feels, as long as she doesn't expect DP to feel the same way about her, and doesn't attempt to sabotage us. It's the fact that she's timed it to perfection, and couldn't just keep it to herself.

[Sunshineandsilverbirch]

Tell your FIL, get through the event (and I recommend trying to look amused and politely pitying rather than furious) and then stop thinking about her, just remove her from all your contacts.

She isn't worth it.

F

[jorahmormont]

Thank you sunshine

[MatrixReloaded]

Op you seem to be a rational normal nice person. She's clearly not. You shouldn't ever underestimate these devious bastards. She does not think and feel like you do. These people interpret lack of action / civility, as weakness. And they'll continue to prey on it.

Allowing her to continue to attend the hobby sends a particular message from you and your family and it's not good. Kick her out of the hobby. Kick her out of the family circle. Let it be known what she's done and what a parasite she is. You cannot afford to be civil to her , you cannot afford your in-laws to be civil to her and you absolutely cannot have her around your husband.

As far fetched as it may seem these people can be manipulative on a level that would take your breath away. Before you know it she will be working on your in-laws and friends and they'll be feeling sorry for her and you'll be a bitch.. Ask me how I know.

You know what she is because she's told you. You know she's boundryless ,you know she doesn't respect you or your family. You know she's exploited the things your husband has told her. You know she's brazen and you know she lies and manipulates to get what she wants. You also know she feels no shame.

I cannot think of any single reason to take the risk of having this person around at this hobby. It's just not worth it and you, none of you, can afford to look weak or divided about the matter. What message will it send to this nut when she arrives at the hobby and your in-laws politely tolerate her ?

[springydaffs]

I don't normally suggest partners see threads but I think it may be important for dh to see this. To know what you're up against here. This is NOT about her 'love' for dh, it is calculated manipulation.

I'm completely with Matrix here. I'm sorry you've experienced something like it further down the road Matrix. Awful.

[Baconyum]

Agree with matrix. I'm in the know too. One of my ex's ow started off making comments like 'I wish I had what you two have'