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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:42

That should have said the colleague is based in New York - so wouldn't have been out with them last night.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/09/2015 16:26

I'd be very concerned, tbh. Do you know for definite she's in NY at the moment?

I think you need to have a conversation with him; whether he'll take part in that is another thing altogether.

Flowers
Iggly · 05/09/2015 16:29

Has he seen her in person before?

What have been the root of your suspicions?

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 19:14

Good point, I would have no idea if she was here. She could have been.

Yes they worked together in the London office for ages then she fairly recently moved there. He has also recently got a long term visa for NY, supposedly for work reasons, but I'm now wondering.

This afternoon I've found an old message on the iPad, I think from him to her, saying 'promise me we'll make the most of the time I'm there' dated just before he last went out there. This isn't good is it?

OP posts:
hesterton · 05/09/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 05/09/2015 19:24

Oh dear. This sounds bad...

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2015 19:25

Oh shit. No it's not good.

BrendaandEddie · 05/09/2015 19:25

Oh you pot old sod. Think those were guilty tears. Or fearful

BrendaandEddie · 05/09/2015 19:43

Poor.

Theresaflyinmyhouse · 05/09/2015 20:59

Oh dear. Can you talk to him? I'm so sorry, it really doesn't sound good at all.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2015 21:16

Oh heck. I'd be worried too. How is he now?

Hissy · 05/09/2015 21:21

Get someone to have your dc while you have it out with him.

The tears indicate that much WAS made of their time in NYC. The visa thing is worrying and he needs to explain himself or FTFO

And if he's been up to anything, he needs to FTFO some more.

Twolefttoes · 05/09/2015 21:26

Can you ask him about last night and why he was so upset? Lead the conversation to saying you saw the what's app messages and see what he says then.

SlightlyJaded · 05/09/2015 21:38

Looks bad, I agree. Sorry.

I think confront with everything:

Suspicions /gut feeling
IPad message (including timing of said message)
Behaviour last night
Deleted messages this morning
Visa

Based on teats - I have a feeling it will all come tumbling out. I hope I am wrong

SlightlyJaded · 05/09/2015 21:39

Tears not teats!

Donthate · 05/09/2015 21:44

Ask him if he's in love with her. His reaction will tell you.

EamonnHolmesisaPratt2 · 05/09/2015 21:47

What do you mean he got a long term visa for New York? You just get an ESTA - everyone has to get one of those if they go to the US...does he have a British passport?

DragonsCanHop · 05/09/2015 21:51

Tell him what he did last night and then ask him to explain the whats app messages. Then stay silent and watch him.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/09/2015 21:55

I think you know deep down that it isn't right.

I would get the kids out the house and confront him.

backtowork2015 · 05/09/2015 22:10

There is no innocent explanation for this. Hope she's there for good and he doesn't ever see her again. maybe you can both rescue this if thats what you both want

shoopshoopsong · 05/09/2015 22:17

you don't even need to mention the whatsapp messages at first just press him about what happened that evening to make him be in tears. keep asking because it's not stable behaviour.

jclm · 05/09/2015 22:21

Well if she has gone to NYfor good then it is the end of the affair (if they have been having one), I wonder if his tears were anything to do with this

YouBastardSockBalls · 05/09/2015 22:43

I would just tell him that you found the messages and he needs to confess everything. Make him think you know more than you do.

Flowers for you.

lighteningirl · 06/09/2015 06:50

Tread careful take a deep breath and decide before you do anything what you want the outcome to be. Do you want to save your marriage, keep your family together? Or is this a deal breaker would you rather walk away get rid of someone who has betrayed you and start a new life? Only you know which path works best for you and how you handle this now will affect the outcome.

Coolforthesummer · 06/09/2015 08:12

The sobbing makes me think he feels guilty about something.