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Original poster

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 07/09/2015 06:51

and he only hid it be sue he thought I would react badly

I agree, lying to you is not good. As is implying that it's your fault that he has to lie.

You react badly for a very good reason.

RomiiRoo · 07/09/2015 06:55

I think what you feel is legitimate, to be honest - and you can express/have these feelings without it coming down to leave or stay.

You are married to this man, you are pregnant with his second child, whilst being the primary carer for his first. You are his wife and your marriage has been going through a bad patch (on phone, so can't check but I think this is what you said). He has his professional life, yes, this is important - but within that, his first priority should be as a professional married man, with a family to support. Close friendships are inappropriate, whichever way you look at it. He is a partner, therefore in a position of power, but also responsibility - he also has family responsibilities.

So, assuming that no physical boundaries have been crossed, he nonetheless has exercised poor professional and personal judgement at the very least.

My husband (we are separated) had a close, working relationship with a female colleague, which involved travel away. She is now married to her long term boyfriend, and I don't believe anything physical happened - but emotionally, of course it did

fastdaytears · 07/09/2015 07:01

I'm sorry I wish I could tell you that all sounds fine but it really doesn't.

mathanxiety · 07/09/2015 07:04

Whatever you do, don't move to NY with him if the question comes up.

MudCity · 07/09/2015 07:21

I agree with you OP...be selective who you talk to about this because they will form a judgement about your relationship and you may wish, later on, that you had not told them. A counsellor is the way to go, finances permitting.

You are right. You have to believe him don't you? You have asked the question and he has told you consistently that nothing happened between him and this colleague. You have no real evidence to prove it did so you have to trust with what he is saying. A lot of men prefer female company and find it easier to talk to women than men.

All this will have put you on your guard and, no doubt, you will be carefully observing what is going on over coming weeks. If anything, put your energy into your relationship and see if he responds. If he does, then it is a good sign. However, your trust and confidence in him will be bruised for a while and maybe now is a good time for relationship counselling before your baby is born.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.

BathtimeFunkster · 07/09/2015 07:32

So presumably, now that he sees the damage this secret "friendship" has done to your marriage, he is going to end it?

Obviously he won't be taking any more trips to NY to the non-existent office. One of the other partners can surely cover that from now on?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 07:49

My xDP didn't crack under pressure, even when confronted with actual proof either.

So what's he going to do now about this "friendship"?

BrendaandEddie · 07/09/2015 07:55

That must have driven you nuts bof. What did you do in the End?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 08:08

Walked out of the door, never saw him again. (This was after 5 year relationship)

OneBreathAfterAnother · 07/09/2015 08:19

Telling him that you know, in the hope that he'll then explain and therefore fill you in, only works if executed perfectly. It's clear from your behaviour this weekend that you're worried and you don't know, so he will have been confident denying.

The most likely scenario is that he's sleeping with her and they planned a new life in NY, either as mistress and partner but where nobody would know you so they could go out as a couple, or as a proper couple. It seems she has changed his plans. Perhaps she knows about the baby and has told him to choose, or said she's not interested anymore, or even just that she needs time to think. Maybe she's met someone else and doesn't want to make it more than sex.

He felt like he lost her when he came home crying, he was grieving the relationship. Now he's being very helpful to throw himself back into yours and numb the pain for a while. If he's being a perfect husband, you can't complain.

I know you don't want to believe it but it's far better to deal with it now then when you're 38 weeks pregnant.

LyndaNotLinda · 07/09/2015 09:14

Has he come up with any explanation for the sobbing?

WhoreGasm · 07/09/2015 09:24

As per TTCing when they know they won't be staying around? It happens.

A colleague's friend had been happily (or so she thought) married for over 15 years with 2 DCs in their teens. Her DH surprisingly suggested TTC again. Less than a year after the baby was born he left her for the OW who he'd been seeing for a couple of years.

His 'rationale' was that having a new baby ' would give his wife something to focus on after he left'. Yes, he really was that big a twunt.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 09:38

OMG all the theories are making me feel worse! FWIW this is my assessment this morning, as clear-eyed as I can be under the circumstances. I believe nothing happened physically. I would call it an emotional affair - he's been distant with me (and our DS actually) and utterly useless at home - I can pretty much date this to finding out I was pg actually, though it did happen a bit on and off before then.

I think rather than talking to me about his feelings he has chosen to confide in her, and justified it by telling himself I was 'neglecting' him - for this he is, quite simply, a shithead. Just as with my first pg, the early days are worst for me - I have horrendous morning sickness, feel physically drained and also got thrush straight away!! And I do work p/t too, plus look after DS on all my 'off' days, so no chance to rest. Under those circumstances I did go off sex, yes, but all he could focus on was himself?! Crap imo.

While we were ttc, we were happy or so I thought - I'm not a big enough idiot to think a baby would fix any problems! We actually waited until we thought we were through the shaky bit and decided the time was right. More fool me.

I don't actually think he was planning on moving to NY or that what went on between them went as far as even fantasising about being together. I looked into his eyes and I just don't think so. Of course, I could be wrong. There is a splinter of ice in my heart after this - if it turns out years down the line that I was wrong, then there's no going back whatsoever. But I have chosen to trust him, for the sake of my children and for what we used to have.

Can't believe I'm bloody writing this. I feel so awful after the weekend. I look really pale as well. Fortunately am working from home today so I can just stay on the sofa.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 09:39

OneBreath your point actually made me laugh a bit! Yes I realise my mistake there. Fortunately I don't have much experience in this kind of thing so I didn't play it to the best effect obviously!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 09:40

WhoreGasm that is one of the most depressing things I've read on this board, bloody hell.

OP posts:
WhoreGasm · 07/09/2015 09:45

It is! Her ex left her to live the Life of Riley with his new (younger) woman, and she was the wrong side of 40 with aa new baby. Damned hard to start a new life for yourself under those circumstances.

thehypocritesoaf · 07/09/2015 10:06

So what did he say to you after his trip to NYC with her, the one were they were going to have a brilliant time together?

I think he's been having an affair. I can't think why you'd think all this romantic messages, deleting messages, sending messages day and night and weeping indicates anything else.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 10:13

thehypocritesoaf, he just said they went out for dinner. He did actually tell me that at the time - apparently it was her birthday when he was out there. The trip was NOT planned to coincide with it - there's a huge conference in his industry which is on that week, he's been going to it for years and I know others who go, so that much at least is true.

But I think he did have another free afternoon during which he said he just went shopping and to the park. I'm pretty much convinced that was with her.

The hideous thing - apart from the fact that I feel so powerless not knowing the truth - is that he has to keep in touch with her. He's her boss, they have completely legitimate reasons to talk to each other every week and I can't just insist he cuts contact with her. I can - and have - insist he keeps it professional. But the under the circumstances I HAVE to trust him if we're going to be able to move past this.

This will sound so immature but I almost want to start a flirtation myself and see how HE likes it. Unfortunately my office is all women and I don't have any male friends!!

OP posts:
Sansoora · 07/09/2015 10:42

Penelope, Im sorry but the more you post the worst this becomes.

Something has happened between them and I think deep down inside you know it.

xxxxx

BathtimeFunkster · 07/09/2015 11:07

He's a partner in the business. If he wanted to offload her as staff to somebody else, he could do that.

You can stay in your marriage if you don't think you have enough to leave (yet).

But do it on the basis that he has had an affair.

Don't let him call this a friendship and justify it on that basis.

Either he takes steps to ensure they no longer have contact, or he leaves.

SlightlyJaded · 07/09/2015 11:13

This is crap.

You sound so understandably exhausted by the whole thing and your pregnancy does mean that I completely get the temptation to stop probing and potentially uncovering life changing facts, leading to life changing upheaval.

All I will say is this.

You have one life, and pregnant or not, you deserve to be happy and at peace, and you aren't. And until you know the whole truth, you can't be.

You have to almost trick him into telling you. Feign being a bit flip/relaxed - lot's of "It happens. I can deal with it once I have all the facts" etc.

If he still denies, insist full but most importantly IMMEDIATE access to phone/laptop/passwords etc. He will certainly have been in touch with her telling her that you suspect something is up.

The one word that jumps out at me from all your posts is promise. As in "Promise we will make the most of our time".

You don't ask a casual friend or colleague to promise you something so abstract. Promises are intimate - to me this screams "we are special to each other". He is minimising.

Flowers and congratulations on your pregnancy. Whatever happens, you have joy inside of you.

thehypocritesoaf · 07/09/2015 11:55

So he says 'promise me we'll make the most of the time I'm there' and deletes all other messages and you think they are just mates who went out for a meal?

O-kkkaaay.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 12:19

What would you do though thehypocritesoaf? He is completely denying it. I have made it crystal clear I want him to be honest, that I'd rather know the truth than live with not trusting him and not knowing, and he says nothing happened.

I can't throw my marriage away and ruin my son's childhood based on one text message. You can be sure I am on my guard now, I can say that.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 07/09/2015 12:26

What I would do is have his bags packed when he gets home from work. Tell him flatly that you don't believe him that he hasn't been having an affair and unless he comes clean, your marriage is over.

Right now, of course he's going to lie to you. Nothing's happening to make him stop lying - you've just said you're prepared to bury your disquiet because you don't want 'throw your marriage away'.

You're not the one throwing the marriage away - he is.

And also agree with the pp - he can quite easily change the reporting lines if he wishes. And believe me, his fellow partners and colleagues know about their relationship.

thehypocritesoaf · 07/09/2015 12:33

I don't know what I'd do, tbh Flowers

I think I'd probably ask him to move out for a while until we could get over this. If he refused then that would tell me all I needed to know about his respect for my well-being and then in that case, yes, I would be looking at divorce. Its not just the text, its the zillion deleted other texts, its the massive amount of lying, the crying and the distancing of himself from you guys too. What do you think accounts for all of that?

As for 'ruining your son's childhood' if you split up - if you genuinely believe that, then really you might as well give your DH carte blanche to carry on fucking you over for ever.