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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
LucySnow12 · 07/09/2015 12:33

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think a lot more has been going on than your H is admitting to. Cheaters always minimise. You mention he is distant to you and your son - that is because he has been detaching from you and transferring his loyalties to her. The bad patch you mention probably started with his involvement with her. For you to go forward, he needs to be totally transparent. Personally I would be worried about the visa. In my experience, you apply for a visa when you plan to permanently LIVE in the foreign country where you are working. You don't need one to visit for business. I think you need to follow to the advice of the Russian proverb - Trust but verify.

Wishful80smontage · 07/09/2015 12:43

Can you ask her- the woman? If he's not going to be honest maybe she will

SlightlyJaded · 07/09/2015 12:48

I too would consider having bags packed. At the moment there is no incentive to come clean and he probably thinks that as long as can hold out and continue to deny for XXX days/weeks/months it will eventually just 'go away'. This will be even more tempting to him if as a PP suggested, her move to NY and his tears and because it's over. He would certainly have ZERO interest in you ever finding out under those circumstances

He needs to know that you are not fucking joking when you tell him that you want the truth. He needs to know that the life he has is at risk.

I think that in your shoes, I would go this route. Tell him that your questions aren't going to go away and that he has a choice for this to come out now, or risk losing you for ever.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/09/2015 12:54

This thread just gets sadder and sadder.

OP, I have a friend whose husband wanted to TTC No4, she wasn't sure, but he was adamant so she went along with it. Turns out he'd been having an affair all along but wanted her to be distracted whilst he decided who he wanted to be with. You wouldn't think him capable, I thought he adored his wife!

Can your DH provide hotel receipts for his NY trip or did he stay with her?

I'm sorry but I really don't believe him at all.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 07/09/2015 12:55

he's lying to you OP.
and he will keep lying.
pack his bags and throw him out.

Sansoora · 07/09/2015 13:02

Please don't use your son as a reason for not being able to accept what's going on because by saying you don't want to ruin his life that's what you're doing.

Your scared, shocked, and hardly able to comprehend the very likely truth of this horrible situation and that's ok. It really is ok. But hiding fr the truth because of the children isn't.

Xxxxx

PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 13:19

I have just gone and done a search through our office and his wardrobe. I can hardly believe it, I have never been this type of person and we've been together 13 years. Didn't find anything. There were travel documents from the NY trip - he was booked into a hotel. But he had a whole spare day before the conference began, during which the only work thing booked was a Skype catch-up with the home office. And although he could have got the red-eye back friday night as soon as it was over, he didn't leave till saturday morning. So plenty of free time out there.

Also I know that he went to the US VISA office or whatever it's called a couple of weeks ago to sort the visa but he hasn't put his passport back in the drawer it's usually in, with mine and DS's, so I can't verify how it's actually changed. Don't know where it is and can't find it. It's probably in his office.

What I really want to do is get WhatsApp on our iPad because I reckon it would automatically sync to his phone - all the photos do. Then I could see what he's sending today while I have access to it! But I can't seem to find it in the App store. Can you get WhatsApp on iPads?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 13:20

I don't think so OP Sad

SevenSeconds · 07/09/2015 13:27

OP, when my DH is away for work (approx. 4 times a year) I would definitely not expect him to book flights which left him a full spare day beforehand and an evening/night afterwards. He always arranges it to minimise time spent away from his family (especially weekend time).

Would you say it's normal behaviour for him to do this?

Sansoora · 07/09/2015 13:34

I think it's down to the individual how they do business trips.

Some arrive a day early for a meeting etc and others don't.

Anything can happen and sometimes risking being late because of delayed flights is how much of a risk to take. As is missing a flight home because your meeting ran late and you couldn't get to the airport on time.

Sansoora · 07/09/2015 13:35

Sorry but sadly I still think something is going on.

winkywinkola · 07/09/2015 13:36

I would just keep my ear to the ground and stay alert for now. There just isn't evidence to work from right now.

You're right. You can't just make assumptions based on one text.

It doesn't look great though.

You have to find out more to base your massive life changing decision.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 13:45

i think whatsapp works on the phone number though - may not synch with his phone

PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 13:55

Thanks Penfold, I'll have a try.

Unless I find out anything highly relevant I think I'm going to have to check out of the thread for a while. I'm feeling so anxious and ill from it all, it isn't helping rehashing it all I don't think. I can literally feel my heart pounding and I bet the baby can too. I need to try to relax a bit (and also get some work done!) I reckon if DS wakes me up tonight I'm going to sneak a look at his phone while he's asleep though.

OP posts:
goldglittershitter · 07/09/2015 13:59

Really sorry u r goin thru this Penelope . It doesn't look good at all but the lack of concrete proof of anything totally dodgy leaves u in a terrible limbo, not a nice place to be. Look after urself while things work themselves out one way or another Flowers .

thehypocritesoaf · 07/09/2015 14:03

He always arranges it to minimise time spent away from his family (especially weekend time).

Absolutely, who wants to be away alone for longer than they have to be when they've got work and family commitments back home? Oh, only he wasn't alone, was he? He was making the most of his time out there with her.

rainbowstardrops · 07/09/2015 14:16

It sounds like a very trying situation OP.
I just keep wondering why he was so upset and crying that night when he was drunk? Did he ever say? I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be because one of the lads upset him!
You are right that you don't really have enough concrete evidence to throw him out or anything (unless you wanted to) but there is clearly more to this than meets the eye unfortunately.
The bizarre relocation of the woman to a non-existent job in NY is baffling - what company would fund that?! Also the deleted texts. Do you delete texts from your phone??? I don't but that's because I have nothing to hide.
Stay vigil and alert and wishing you all the best Flowers

pocketsaviour · 07/09/2015 14:30

Whatsapp won't work on ipad if it's running ios8. However there is a web-based version:
web.whatsapp.com/????/en

I can't access it right now (work firewall) to test it out. But if it says it requires a text validation message then cancel that, or your DH will get the text and it'll tip him off.

That said, if they are colleagues then they could be using the company email system, which presumably you can't access.

SlightlyJaded · 07/09/2015 16:12

I am sorry you are feeling so anxious and shitty. And you are right, you absolutely don't need the stress. I think we are all hoping for answers for you now that might be miserable or may completely exonerate him so that you don't have to spend your pregnancy in a fug of doubt and sadness.

There are so many messenger apps nowdays. Does he keep his phone glued to his ear? If you asked him to hand it to you as soon as he walked through the door just to 'put your mind at rest' would he do that? I really feel for you OP.

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 16:26

I get what you mean about not wishing to act in haste if only for your own peace of mind.

When I first has strong suspicions my first reaction was to pack his bags! That is eventually what happened but only when things came to a head. A friend persuaded me to hold fire and gather more evidence both so I didn't end up questioning myself if I'd done the right thing (I had dd to consider) and so I had good grounds for divorce. She was right.

BUT I stopped sleeping with him. The thought just made me feel physically sick. Because of the betrayal and because without showing my hand I'd have been putting my health at risk. As it happened that simply confirmed to me I was right, because he didn't once complain about the lack of sex and that wasn't like him.

There were of course other things too including him being too stupid/arrogant initially to delete texts or lock his phone. So I saw the texts between him and ow no 1. I think someone then said to him it might be wise to delete texts. After we split I got his mobile bill (in both our names as paid from joint account) and was able to see he was texting ow no 2 up to 50 times a day while we were still together and TTC.

Eventually there was just too much evidence, then a dodgy night away with ow no 1 and things came to a head. I gave him an ultimatum which one choice was 'come home now!' He didn't. That was the last straw.

As for denial, yep cheaters script, I've seen/known cheaters (not just male) deny even when presented with photographic evidence!

My ex denied for years. Even claiming dc 1 with ow 2 was prem (yea that old joke!). Then I had a weird drunken phone call and he confessed all NINE YEARS after! That was when I also learned ow 2 now wife 2 doesn't have half a clue what he was up to at the beginning of their relationship. BTW he's now cheating on her.

So by all means hang fire, but don't be fooled and please protect yourself and your unborn baby. Act absolutely fine/blasé with him. Let him relax and in the meantime watch his every move! Would surprise trips to his workplace in UK be an option ? (Something I did and the obvious discomfort of his colleagues was another piece of evidence for me. Both ow worked in same office and ex was their boss very messy!)

I hope we're all wrong, but I suspect we're right.

WhoreGasm · 07/09/2015 17:41

Something has happened between them both emotionally and physically. We all know it, and I think you know it too, really. The fact he can look you in the eye and deny everything means nothing.

I think plans were afoot for him to be with her in NY, then something went awry. Most likely her discovering you are pregnant? She has ended it, and he was devastated hence the crying jag and the drinking.

Then he woke up, sobered up and realised he'd nearly given the game away and you were very (rightly) suspicious. So he quickly embarked on a swift damage limitation exercise. The NY dream has ended so he needs to quickly re-feather the nest at home. Cue him being uber helpful and nice (trying to put you off the scent, see).

But you don't give up that easily, and you press for more. So he changes tactics and drip feeds the smallest amount of information he thinks he can possibly get away with.

He's knows he's on thin ice and he's playing a dangerous game. What you want, and what will actuallyake you feel 'better' aren't important to him. He didn't care about you or your feelings when he was having a relationship with this woman, so why do you think he will care about you or your feelings now?

All he cares about is making things right for himself with as little hassle and grief as possible to 'him'. He will determinedly not reveal a single more iota of truth because he knows it will only lead to more grief for him.

Instead he's making a huge gamble banking on your pregnancy making you weaker and more vulnerable, and more inclined to let him off the book.

Which you can choose to do, of course. But this horrible, churning, anxious sensation you describe? You need to get used to it because it isn't going to go away. Every time he's late back from work, every time he's away on business, every time you watch him text, it will come back. Churning away.

You will never have peace of mind, if you let this pass. It will kill you by degrees and it will taint every day and tarnish every night. I have been on here for a very long time, and very sadly your story is as old as the hills and the ending never changes.

When he gets home he finds his bags packed and you insist he moves out. No excuses, no mercy, no consideration. After all, he hasn't shown you much has he? You play hardball with him and make him.u derstand that this just isn't about a token night's stay in a Premier Inn. This is about him only EVER being allowed back through the front door after total honesty and disclosure on his part. And only then will you decide.

You actually have all the power here. His NY dream has gone poof, so now he needs plan b to work, desperately. But I think you're worth more than being someone's plan b, don't you?

And there's every chance that if you let this slide, and accept being his plan b then in a year or two he'll spot another plan a, and off he'll trot anyway.

Showing him the door isn't 'throwing away your marriage'. The moment he embarked on an intimate relationship with her was the moment it stopped being 'your marriage'. He threw it away. All that is left is smoke screens and lies, and you can't build anything good out of those.

AHypnotistCollector · 07/09/2015 17:48

You need to find out what type of visa he got. If he has been granted a visa to live and work in the US and hasn't put you or your DS on the application then that says it all.

goldglittershitter · 07/09/2015 18:01

WhoreGasm spells it out perfectly. It will hurt u to read that post, OP, but they r very wise words.

I wish u well in whatever u decide n at least, if u follow through with ur investigations etc, it will b an informed decision. GL.

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 18:04

"Cue him being uber helpful and nice (trying to put you off the scent, see)."

Geez yea, they're not exactly Einstein's are they! Like criminals they rarely have the intelligence to actually pull it off! Hence they all follow the same script. Others will I'm sure correct me if I'm wrong but I think it goes:

Oh woe is me, my dp isn't paying me enough attention (despite the fact said dp is pregnant/ill/going through a bereavement etc)

My wife doesn't understand me/we barely talk/no longer sleep together/I'm only staying for the kids.

Im not actually having piv sex therefore I'm not cheating (the bill Clinton paradigm)/ It's only sex I'm not really cheating

I won't get caught I'm soooo clever cos I delete all me texts and call logs and lock my phone/never let it out my sight. (Forgetting this is all new behaviour and ignorant that dp will notice)

Oops dp is suspicious 'don't you trust me? Cos if you don't there's no point is there?' Deflection/gaslighting etc

Deny deny deny

Be super partner, help with the kids/house/super affectionate

Make it the cheated partners fault ('well if you weren't so cold/busy I wouldn't have looked elsewhere)