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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/09/2015 08:56

Well I'm glad you feel happier OP but I'm sorry to say that I think he has simply moved on from denial to minimising - the next page of the script. I hope I'm wrong but I sincerely doubt it

LucySnow12 · 10/09/2015 09:11

I do hope things are resolved and best wishes for your baby. This should be a happy time. You may think about getting the Shirley Glass book, "Not Just Friends" to help establish relationship boundaries.

LucySnow12 · 10/09/2015 09:16

I hope he is allowing you full access to his phone so you can verify the messaging has stopped.

Sansoora · 10/09/2015 09:18

I think you are believing him because you can't contemplate doing anything else.

I wish nothing but good things for you but I think you have a hard road ahead of you to walk.

Sansoora · 10/09/2015 09:20

Sorry - what about the tears?

And is it possible the confused message was because she genuinely is confused as to what's going on?

fastdaytears · 10/09/2015 09:21

He is following the script pretty precisely. When you feel able to, you should read some of the Relationships threads on this subject.

I hope you can believe him but I couldn't.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 09:21

Good luck Penelope - by all means get this thread elected, but please do feel free to name-change if necessary, and come back again should you need support in the future.

Flowers
BathtimeFunkster · 10/09/2015 09:30

Good luck with your pregnancy :)

Such a weird coincidence that you two started having problems around the time this young and very pretty colleague started her completely unreciprocated interest in him.

Has he already stepped back as her manager?

It's really not fair to her, given her obviously intense feelings and the professional boundaries she has crossed unprompted, for him to stay on as her manager.

I presume further trips to New York to "make the most of their time together" are also off the cards?

mummytime · 10/09/2015 09:32

If you get this thread deleted.

I would suggest you: see his passport and see the visa - take a photocopy if possible - always useful in case of emergencies anyway.
Make sure you have your own money.
Make sure you know about bank accounts, insurance policies etc.
Do what you can to protect yourself and your children.

If anything else happens - do not hesitate to come back for help and support.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 09:35

I know this isn't exactly helpful, but if it eventually helps the scales fall from your eyes, a copy and paste from you upthread:

This afternoon I've found an old message on the iPad, I think from him to her, saying 'promise me we'll make the most of the time I'm there' dated just before he last went out there.

From him to her.

Also, the crying his eyes out. Doesn't exactly tally with an unreciprocated arrangement.

thehypocritesoaf · 10/09/2015 10:03

Oh Penelope, fancy texting secretely, deleting, weeping, and spending all that time in New York, "making the most of it", all with a woman he doesn't even like!
He's an unusual man that's for sure.

goldglittershitter · 10/09/2015 10:05

I really think u r ^choosing^ to believe this, OP, when deep down u know it can't be true. There is no shame in not being ready to face splitting up, u may never be, but u r clearly a smart woman so stay if u feel u need to but be on guard n prepare urself financially etc as PPs have mentioned.

Good luck with everything Flowers .

SevenSeconds · 10/09/2015 10:14

Good luck OP. You may never know if this is 100% the truth or not, but you can't live your life worrying about it so I think you are doing the right thing to put it behind you and move on, and give him an opportunity to prove how committed he is to you. Don't let this incident stop you from working on your marriage (remember the list of things you wanted him to improve on?).

Joysmum · 10/09/2015 10:35

Ditto the others. Copy this thread before its deleted and get your ducks in a row just in case.

Fontella · 10/09/2015 10:47

Oh Penelope, fancy texting secretely, deleting, weeping, and spending all that time in New York, "making the most of it", all with a woman he doesn't even like!

OP if you get the thread deleted at least save this one sentence and remember it .... because it absolutely nails why your H's version of events is bullshit.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2015 10:56

This whole thread was started because he was texting her at 8:45 in the morning, after being drunk and crying his eyes out.

You can believe him, but it's clearly not true to the objective observer.

fastdaytears · 10/09/2015 11:07

Well the difference is that we aren't forcing ourselves to believe him.

fastdaytears · 10/09/2015 11:08

I know it won't be high on anyone's list of worries and the girl in question probably isn't on MN reading this but I do find the blame-it-all-on-the-little-girl-with-a-crush a bit shitty. It certainly doesn't read as very unrequited to me.

Sansoora · 10/09/2015 11:15

Well the difference is that we aren't forcing ourselves to believe him.

I think for now that's all the OP can bring herself to do, but I suspect a few days from now she won't really be believing what she's been told.

She knows what's gone on but right now can't face it.

Coolforthesummer · 10/09/2015 11:19

I wouldn't believe a single word of that. What, unrequited feelings in her part? Don't flatter himself.

The best you can hope for is that you found out early enough to give him a wake up call.

BloodontheTracks · 10/09/2015 12:05

Hi Pen, I suspect though he will probably close this down after your discovery, I think it's hugely unlikely this is the truth. Sorry to say it is what male cheaters ALWAYS say when caught without evidence on their side.

It may well have freaked him out enough to stop and you may well be happy with that and so both prepared to agree on the story. In which case, good luck to you.

newnamesamegame · 10/09/2015 12:30

It does sound like he's being economical with the truth. As Blood says, it may have given him a wake-up call and he may seek to draw a line under it as a result. In which case best of luck to you both.

But if you have further doubts or need any more help, keep posting.

Baconyum · 10/09/2015 14:39

Agree with pp its part of the script and pretty much first thing my ex said when I told him I had evidence. 'She told me she has feelings for me but I nipped it in the bud' really? Why you still constantly talking to her then!?

Good luck with the pregnancy, but PLEASE PLEASE get your ducks in a row. If it helps think of it as practical preparation for baby coming. And don't drop your guard.

Flowers I'm sorry to say I think shortly you'll be realising what he said simply isn't true.

Hissy · 10/09/2015 16:04

What he has said and done don't add up at all.

I agree with bitof he's moved to minimisation.

He'll blame next....

Plus when the new baby arrives (or when it's too hard for him to get sex at home) he will justify it all to himself again.

The comment about the "giving her a child to keep her busy" chilled my blood to the core.

I know it's not what you want to hear OP, but you MUST get access to financial information, full access to his phone and email and full disclosure. This is not over, not by a long chalk. I'm sorry.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 10/09/2015 16:10

Out it drips, bit by bit.

You know in your heart he is still lying but I understand why you need to believe him.

Take care of yourself.

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