Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

[PenelopeChipShop]

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone.

Oh dear. So the OP has chosen short term gain but consigned herself to long term pain.

I cannot believe that a grown women who is clearly bright and articulate can genuinely believe such a blatant cat's cradle of half truths and clich??s.

But it's not my life to lead thankfully. But it's not going to be any real life for the OP either. There can be no true peace of mind here.

This is so sad, I hope you're managing to look after yourself OP

I have had a colleague in unrequited "love" with me, more than once. It is very awkward and disturbing, and while you may feel a certain fondness for them and guilt that you're inadvertently causing them pain, what you DON'T EVER say is anything like: "Let's make the most of the time we're together". Clearly that's giving them hope and totally the wrong idea, and prolonging the problem rather than trying to solve it. That's why I don't believe him. I think you've heard this from everyone else so I won't bang on about it here.

But incidentally my most serious relationship ended just after it emerged that ex-boyfriend's colleague was declaring her love for him at every opportunity. He maintained/maintains that nothing ever happened between them. Do I believe him? Actually, yes, as he has no reason to lie now. Do I think it contributed to the end of our relationship? Hell, yes. The flattering reminder that he was attractive to other women, the emotional closeness (he felt guilty and tried to be nice about it all) which drew him away from me, the fact that he lied about her being interested in him "so as not to worry me". It all adds up.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't believe your husband. But even if he is telling the truth like you think he is, it can still be incredibly damaging if he handles it badly, which he is certainly doing. If you're going to be taking his words on trust for now, I think you guys should sit down together and explain this to him, and make a plan for how he can deal with the situation in order to limit the damage.

That would probably involve him only being in touch with her during set hours (work hours, or a slightly adjusted version of them e.g. 11-7 to adjust for the time difference), not texting her from home, shifting to work email rather than Whatsapp so as to get their exchanges back onto a professional footing, agreeing not to meet up with her one to one. Etc.

You don't cry your eyes out over a woman you have no feelings for. You just don't. You don't.

This pretty little story is exactly the same as every other one I have ever read on here. The script never changes and the ending never changes.

Better to choose short term pain, and then be able toook forward to a lifetime of peace of mind, dignity and most likely a truly open and honest relationship with a new man who will genuinely love and respect you.

What happens when the OP's ankles swell and her heartburn is terminal? What happens when the baby is here and no one has slept in 36 hours? How long before another younger, prettier woman conveniently 'throws' herself at the OP's DH? And there will be another one. And another one. Because her DH has a taste for it now. And because even though his poor wife found massively damaging evidence she has deliberately turned a blind eye. He's on a win/win and his wife can only lose.

The ending of this thread has made me so sad.

Me too.

As for "no reason to lie" my ex continued to deny even after divorce finalised. I only got a confession when he was drunk, had fought with wife 2 and wanted back in my pants 9 years later!

Oh OP.

I am so sorry, but his story is just that. It doesn't match the events at all.

Take care of yourself, and MN will always be here if you need it.

I hope everything is ok, I'm cynical enough to think there is more to his story.

The ending of this thread has made me so sad.

Me too

My DH had a junior colleague rather interested in him (finally clicked when she rushed out the room to be sick when he mentioned he had to leave early for one of my scans).

He was horrified, came home, told me, asked me what to do. Discussed whether or not to go to HR & kept a file documenting everything. Returned a ludicrously over the top gift, explaining it wasn't appropriate to accept. He didn't send messages saying 'promise me we'll make the most of our time together'

Good luck OP. I'm not sure what he's been up to, but his explanation sounds unlikely. Msybe you nearly finding out will be enough for him to come to his senses. I'd keep a very close eye though.

And do talk to a RL friend. You have done nothing wrong.

I think the crying signals that what he had with her ended. As a PP said, he was mourning the end of something with her.

Maybe she manipulated him into getting her out to NY? If it's an important place in their industry, maybe she was using him as a stepping stone to career advancement? It could be anything... One thing you can be fairly sure of is that he isn't ever going to tell you, especially if she's been leading him on and he now feels foolish as well as guilty.

His playing at being a better husband and father might be because he's feeling guilty, or because he's realised he's been a fool, or both. See how long it lasts...