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Original poster

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
WhoreGasm · 07/09/2015 19:21

Sad but true bacon it's a very old script isn't it?

And let's not forget them deliberately picking a fight so they can storm out to be with her leaving their poor partner confused and (hopefully) feeling guilty at making him so angry.

I witnessed my friend's shitty ex play her like a violin for a couple of years before she finally saw the light. Some of the dirty tricks he pulled were unbelievable. The irony is he worked for a charity supporting abused women. So he knew all the right strings to pull.

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 20:07

And let's not forget them deliberately picking a fight so they can storm out to be with her leaving their poor partner confused and (hopefully) feeling guilty at making him so angry.

Yep! I actually had a weird conversation with !y ex whereby he actually told me he was going to orchestrate the end of our marriage and make it look like it was !y fault.

Fontella · 07/09/2015 20:58

I think plans were afoot for him to be with her in NY, then something went awry. Most likely her discovering you are pregnant? She has ended it, and he was devastated hence the crying jag and the drinking.

Of all the things I've read on this thread, I (sadly) think this is most likely closest to the mark.

One of things some married men do to entice/persuade OW into relationships with them is the old - we don't sleep together, we don't have sex, we are more like friends, I sleep in the spare room, there's nothing between us anymore, I only stay for the kids, we are separated but living under the same roof ... bullshit, when describing their relationship with their wives.

But when wife becomes newly pregnant - that blows that fairytale straight out of the water. The last thing a mistress wants to know is that the man she's having an affair with is still shagging his wife. A 10 week old pregnancy is very difficult for him to talk his way out of.

WhoreGasm · 07/09/2015 21:47

He's a pathetic individual. He can't be faithful to his wife. Can't be faithful to his mistress.

He has played fast and loose with both women, and run round the shit until he's finally fallen in it.

I just hope the OP has the courage and the self esteem to not settle for being her husband's second choice.

greener2 · 07/09/2015 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 23:39

"The last thing a mistress wants to know is that the man she's having an affair with is still shagging his wife. A 10 week old pregnancy is very difficult for him to talk his way out of." Spot on!!

"How about ringing the woman direct and pretending he has confessed etc... Be really convincing and just ring to say he has told you and you wanted to let her know you knew etc?" Throw in a possible sti infection and you'll know for sure!

Hissy · 08/09/2015 07:30

No to phoning the woman, just ask the h to pack a bag for a few days. He needs to see what he's losing. A cat fight will just feed his little ego

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/09/2015 08:27

I'm sure you're not going to OP, but please don't phone the woman. Loss of dignity right there.

To be even discussing the merits of phoning her shows how irretrievable the situation is, however. The trust is completely gone. I couldn't live like this.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2015 08:55

I'll just add another big fat "NO!" to calling the women. That way madness lies

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 08/09/2015 08:58

I wouldn't even consider calling her, what could I say? They work together. They have to talk, plus I don't have actual evidence that she has done anything wrong.

We haven't even told his family or any friends about the pregnancy yet so I bloody hope she doesn't know, though actually I haven't even asked him that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 08/09/2015 09:00

He messaged her again at 11.30 last night saying he would try to call her during a break from the course he's on today. She was asking for help doing her permanent visa. Apparently it is going to say she is overseeing the set up of their NY office. She is way too junior to actually do that so either they're happy to lie just so she can live there or they're actually happy to let her have a go.

Crazy business decision aside from anything else.

Also when I asked what time he went to sleep last night (I pass out early these days from exhaustion) he said 11. Perhaps lying has become a reflex.

OP posts:
Fontella · 08/09/2015 09:16

Sounds like he lies as easily as he breathes.

Whitechocolatetoblerone · 08/09/2015 09:23

OP, I think I must have missed the post- how are you reading his messages? Do you know his passcode to his phone? Does he know this?

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 08/09/2015 09:26

I think the hardest thing is not having confided in anyone in real life. I am pretending everything's fine and it's so stressful. I can't tell anyone at work because in a couple of weeks I'll have to reveal I'm pregnant and then what will they think!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 08/09/2015 09:28

Yes we know each other's. We have a 'family' password that we use for various stuff. I looked while he was in the shower this morning, it's the only time he leaves it unguarded.

OP posts:
LucySnow12 · 08/09/2015 09:36

OP, I think you really need to confide in a trusted RL person. That is always the advice given on these threads. Him guarding his phone is a bad sign. Have you looked through bank and card statements and also do you have access to his phone bill? The phone bill is always a giveaway. I really feel for you. If something is going on, he will not tell the truth no matter how much you plead for it.

LucySnow12 · 08/09/2015 09:37

But if he's using WhatsApp, that won't show on the bill.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/09/2015 09:38

Yes, you can make calls on WhatsApp now

SevenSeconds · 08/09/2015 09:41

The stuff about either lying on her visa or letting her take on a completely unsuitable role is a bad sign. He seems to be favouring her in a way which is highly unprofessional, and therefore does point towards an emotional affair. But I guess on the bright side it means he doesn't expect them to actually become a couple, or he wouldn't be keen to assist her in moving to NY?

Hope you're OK today Flowers

blanketneeded · 08/09/2015 09:50

Flowers for you OP. He won't come clean whilst he's deciding what to do. If he goes to her he wants it be in His own time; when he has things sorted practically and in his head. If he doesn't, and wants to stay, he doesn't want to listen to you being upset. He'll want to pretend it didn't happen & for that he'll require you not to know.
Sorry you're going through thisSad

LucySnow12 · 08/09/2015 10:06

Is there anyone in his office, like his PA, who you might casually speak to you about the NY office - mention how exciting the prospect is. They might know more of his intentions than you. If she is so junior, I can't see a company funding her unless someone more senior was going over as well.

Jb291 · 08/09/2015 19:18

It certainly sounds like he may have been having an affair with this girl. She has clearly ended it and he is hedging his bets. You deserve so much better. I would give him one opportunity to come clean and then throw him out. You and your baby deserve better than to be treated as second best.

MudCity · 08/09/2015 21:37

I know your mind will be leaping to conclusions and thinking the worst here. Yes, there are a few things that may be suspicious BUT until you have evidence please do not torture yourself. These things spiral and get out of control. Your anxiety will go through the roof about things that may not even be true. Your mind will play tricks on you and you will make yourself ill.

The message asking for help with the visa application means nothing. The time he messaged her back means nothing especially given the time difference between here and New York. It didn't have an affectionate overtone or anything. The fact he said he said he fell asleep at 11 when he was texting at 11.30 means nothing...I would be hard pushed to remember what time I went to bed each night.

Really, please think about getting some relationship counselling, for yourself to be able to vent...someone you can tell all this to who isn't going to bring their own experiences into it. If I were in your position and I was reading this thread my anxiety would be hitting the roof. That isn't good for you or your DC. It will also make things so much harder in your relationship.

If anything, please have a heart to heart with your husband. He needs to hear how you are feeling and know what this is doing to you.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 10/09/2015 08:33

MudCity I am so glad you posted that, thank you. Although I totally appreciate the support from everyone, reading the wild theories did indeed make me feel worse.

We had a proper talk yesterday and I am now happy that I have got the truth. He was afraid to tell me because he thought I would feel worse but I actually feel much better!

He says she has had feelings for him which are NOT returned and has tried to kiss him which he deflected, after which she was very embarrassed. The mistake he made, which he admits, was not distancing himself from her after this. He says he was flattered - she is very pretty, and young, though frankly I am not so bad myself!! - and carried on this 'text friendship', at first telling himself it was ok as nothing had happened but then realising that he felt guilty as he knew it wasn't right, but by then we were having problems and it seemed like and outlet.

Obviously I am not happy but I do believe this Is the truth and I can forgive what I see as weakness and an error of judgement as long as he understands exactly why hiding things like this from me are wrong.

He has now told her they have crossed a line and he doesn't want to continue the friendship and aids that after one confused message from her she hasn't messaged again.

Obviously I am on my guard a bit after this but that terrible anxious feeling has gone as I do trust now yacht I have had the truth.

I'm going to ask MN HQ to delete this thread now I've updated as frankly I want to forget about it and focus on my baby and my existing family.

However I do really really appreciate the support. The kindness of strangers is fantastic sometimes.

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 10/09/2015 08:36

Oh bless you Penelope I am glad you are feeling brighter about things. Anxiety is awful. Don't forget even when the thread has gone poof there are lots of MNers behind you and you can always get support here xx.