Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

184 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 05/09/2015 14:40

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone. Sad

OP posts:
MudCity · 06/09/2015 17:46

So sorry to read your story OP Flowers

The sobbing last night is definitely your way in to finding out what is going on.

I hope you get some answers.

Deep breaths.

magoria · 06/09/2015 17:50

Do people really organise a 5 year visa for 'work trips' and then just tell their wife without having shagged the woman they are going there for?

gateauxauxfruits · 06/09/2015 17:55

5 year visa is not itself weird, 5 year validity is standard for B-1 business visa

MrsSadness · 06/09/2015 18:15

How have things been today OP?

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 06/09/2015 18:47

Good grief I wish I hadn't logged back on!

He has been way more hands on and helpful than usual today, done loads of housework and played with Ds. Hardly put the telly on. All very unusual. I know this doesn't help the picture.

Everyone is focusing on the visa thing - I don't like the sound of it either but there are legitimate business reasons - he is a partner in his firm and they're trying to set up a NY branch. So I think it's more that the visa for the whole firm is in his name if that makes sense. Or so he says. This is plausible but what is odd is the whole circumstance of her going there. The firm has allowed her to live there for a trial period just because she fancied it, apparently. They don't have an existing office, so they've gone out of their way to accommodate this wish of hers, in order to retain her as an employee. It was DH who organised allot of this but he does tend to deal with personnel issues.

The more I write the worse this sounds But the boundaries are really blurred here.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 06/09/2015 18:49

I genuinely can't tell if this just looks and sounds s lot worse than it is or if I have genuine cause to worry. I am honestly so confused.

I know I shouldn't 'drip feed' either but when I originally posted I was just focusing on the situation at hand. But I am also 10 weeks pregnant with no.2. Which is obviously colouring my impression of my options here.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 06/09/2015 18:52

So when he came back from ny last time did he tell you all about the good time she showed him?

BathtimeFunkster · 06/09/2015 19:01

I think it's more that the visa for the whole firm is in his name if that makes sense.

No, that doesn't make sense.

Nor does a company allowing an employee to work in a city where they have no office just because she fancies it.

Or, for that matter, a partner going out to said city to make the most of his time with her.

She is his mistress, and has been for some time by the sounds of it.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/09/2015 19:03

So there is a new office in NY in his name, for which he has a work visa and she is living out there for a trial? That does sound strange.

Sansoora · 06/09/2015 19:04

OP, I didnt think about the visa thing at all. My husband is a business man has a load of 5 year visas for different countries.

I think you're husband was crying because he was thinking about her.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/09/2015 19:04

How often is he planning to take a work trip to NY and for how long each trip?

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/09/2015 19:20

Ah. No wonder you need to believe his lies.

I'm so sorry. Flowers

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 06/09/2015 19:27

????

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 06/09/2015 19:31

You are all making me question things now. Like when it was that she moved there, whether he had been out a lot prior to that. I just cannot believe he would agree to try for DC2 while seeing or having feelings for someone else. That's a whole other level of bad. I don't know whether I have the strength to talk to him about it agAin tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 06/09/2015 19:33

Shipwrecked he has said it will be more like 4 times a year now.

OP posts:
Whatsforsupper · 06/09/2015 19:39

I'm pretty familiar with US visas having lived there for long time.

No working visas are issued to a company on the basis its shared with employee's. Think about it. A visa to work is done by either investing money or you have a job and the company employing you sponsors you in.

Both of the above take time with visits to the US Embassy.

Look in his passport if he's being traveling back and forth it should be stamped with ICE. Could well be he has a standard visa allowing one to travel into the US for business as such is not actually able to take up employment.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 06/09/2015 20:13

Hi OP. From a visa perspective I wouldn't over think this - depending on his role and what he needs to be in the U.S. for this sounds in itself pretty normal. The situation you described with the individual being assisted in moving to the U.S., whilst relatively unusual / generous again doesn't in itself suggest there is something going on with your DH. I frequently come across this kind of thing in my professional life which is the perspective I'm giving you.

However, the deleted whatsapp and crying, I'd be more concerned about this. I'd focus on the crying - most people only cry when they are very happy or sad/guilty. If this isn't his normal behaviour, plus he's being super helpful, I'd be suspicious and try to get to the bottom of it until you are satisfied. Keep asking - you are right to be concerned.

For whatsapp I'd stop mentioning to DH but continue to monitor his phone if you are able to. If there is something going on he'll be careful for the next few days then get lazy - and you can see if there is something more to it or not. Might need to play a longer waiting game here.

Hope it all works out.

LyndaNotLinda · 06/09/2015 20:25

My ex (who I got together with after his relationship with his wife had broken down) told me that he had a second child with his wife because he thought it would be better for DC1 to be shunted around and lead the life of a child of divorced parents with a sibling by their side.

So please don't imagine that trying for a second child means (in some twisted men's heads) that there's no plan to leave the marriage :(

MudCity · 06/09/2015 22:50

Agree withStopShouting...I think a conversation with him about him crying is the way to go. Any concerned partner would be worried about that, regardless of any other suspicions they had. It is quite possible he will be desperate to talk and unburden himself.

Of course, this will have an impact on you so please make sure you have RL support around you and do consider relationship counselling, even if you have to go by yourself. You will need someone to talk to face to face.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Really, I am.

Take good care.

AHypnotistCollector · 07/09/2015 04:01

Do you know what type of visa it is? It's really not that easy to get a working visa for the U.S. You can't self sponsor, it has to be done by a company and costs a lot of money. Either one that's willing to hire you over there or an overseas transfer from the company you are already working for.

Are you saying that his company set up a US office solely so that this woman could work there? And he is a partner in this company? I'm sorry but to me it seems like he has set this up and was planning to live there with her for at least some of the year.

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 04:26

"She is his mistress, and has been for some time by the sounds of it." I second that.

11 years with my ex, never ever thought he'd cheat, never thought he was perfect but genuinely never thought he'd cheat even friends of HIS were shocked. Years after we split I discovered he was juggling 3 of us at once and we were TTC at the time. Yet he'd told no 3 who he's now married to, that we were in separate bedrooms!

Sansoora · 07/09/2015 04:27

I just cannot believe he would agree to try for DC2 while seeing or having feelings for someone else. T

There's a lady on another thread who's husband did just that. She was just starting the IVF journey again when she discovered what was going on and had already had one procedure done under GA. She's now separated and filing for divorce very soon.

RudyMentary · 07/09/2015 04:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PenelopeChipShop · 07/09/2015 06:20

Hi again. Thanks for your support everyone. I did bring it up again last night, but he completely denies that it's an affair. He says it is a close friendship - and he only hid it be sue he thought I would react badly. He does have form for becoming close friends with women in preference to men (in a completely innocent way - he's still in touch with his best friend from school who is a girl and his 'best woman' at our wedding was a woman he met at work who is now friends with both of us and happily married herself) so again this is possible, but why hide it? And that message is just not what you'd say robs friend imo.

But he didn't crack at all under my scrutiny, even with me saying 'I know, just be honest'. I don't know what I think now really. definitely some of the trust has gone but I suppose I can't really stay together saying I don't believe him so I kind of have to.

I feel so emotionally drained by the weekend though. I do have family and friends I could confide in irl but I feel almost embarrassed to be honest with a friend as they all seem to have such happy marriages! And I don't want my mum, for instance, to see him differently. I might call my brother later. We are close but he lives a long way away so doesn't see us regularly, so can be more objective.

Thanks again for listening. ????

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 07/09/2015 06:33

Yes the hiding things isn't good.

I'd try & check phone etc regularly & store up anything suspicious. The crying is not good (unless he's always been a weepy drunk)