Would you be worried. DH drunk, emotional and deleting messages

[PenelopeChipShop]

I'll try to be brief. We're in a bad patch at the moment - we both know it and have acknowledged this and are in theory trying to make more effort to prioritise each other. Haven't had counselling or anything official but have had a few serious talks together and aired our views.

Last night DH went for drinks after work and came back very drunk at 1.30, waking me up. He lay in bed crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong, saying he was 'just drunk'. He was then sick, came back and carried on sobbing. I eventually hugged him and told him to just try to go to sleep as he was pissed out of his head and couldn't think straight. What with him disturbing me and our 3yo's usual wake ups, I've had a fairly shitty sleep. I got up with DS at 6.30, DH eventually emerged about half 9. No apology over last night or thanks for the lie in but that's fairly standard!!

I am troubled that his WhatsApp showed that he last looked at messages from a particular colleague at 8.45 this morning - while he was laying in bed - but the whole thread was deleted. She is in new work so wouldn't have been out with ten but I suspect was messaging him while he was drunk, about goodness knows what.

This isn't a good sign is it? I have suspicions about white what is going on between them but I don't know what it is. I suspect at the very least he is 'close' friends with her and complains about me/our problems to her.

Would you say anything or does the fact that I've snooped mean I can't say anything? I actually looked right in front of him, DS had been playing with an app on the phone and I just clicked on it before handing it back and noticed all the messages were gone.

Surely an ESTA just allows you to visit NY as a holiday maker? To work out there he would need some form of visa wouldn't he??

Oh yes Latika I didn't notice the work bit..sorry..

I am struggling to find an innocent explanation, and failing.

The sticky patch you have been going through is most likely caused by his having an (at least emotional) affair.

EamonHolmes I don't really know the details. He said it was a 5 year one.

I was too exhausted to update last night. I did confront him, I couldn't not. He claims he definitely is not having an affair with her and hasn't slept with her. He admits the message doesn't look good but says it was just meant to a good friend.

Sent too soon. I am unconvinced - I don't really know what to believe. Even if it isn't a literal affair I feel betrayed by the fact that he has discussed our problems with her, when I have deliberately not talked about This with any of my friends or family out of loyalty to the privacy of our relationship!

Sorry but it doesn't sound good to me at all. Not slept with her does not mean no affair.

Is this crying thing totally out of character?

My STNXH cried one morning - about a month before he disclosed that he had a OW. Only in hindsight did I pick this up. Guilt and probably the first time the affair crossed a boundary.

In the end it is up to you. Do you believe and trust him?

As I said we have had our problems but the only thing he has actually come up with that I've done 'wrong' is not being affectionate enough with him and being less in the mood for sex since DS was born.

Whereas I had a whole list of things I wanted to be better, none of which he denied.

I can't believe he could be selfish enough to look elsewhere during a short period of time during which I had slightly less energy for him due to work and doing all the looking after our toddler. He doesn't seem to connect the dots that I would have more energy if he lifted a finger at home. I am so angry.

I'm really confused. I think I do believe him that he hasn't slept with her - though I can totally understand why others would think I'm kidding myself - but I do know him very well.

But I suspect it is more of an emotional affair than he's admitting. He is thinking of it as s friendship but to me that message sound like something you send a girlfriend.

op, wake up. of course he bloody has

'We'll make the most of the time we're there' is just the kind of thing two (secret) mates say to each other? Then they delete everything else?

Op, you don't seriously believe that, do you?

Just how many people on MN have denied the possibility of their DP's of having a physical affair because they "know them very well". Just how many of these posters later admit they were wrong and that they didn't know them as quite as well as they thought.

He is minimising here and admitting just enough to justify your suspicions--of course it was so much more than what he has said probably physical affair and he is heartbroken she is no longer around, not because he feels guilty.

All this 'emotional affair' guff doesn't wash with me, sorry. Men are far, far more likely to want to get inside your pants before they try to get inside your head and heart.

It's the nature of the beast.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like an affair. You poor thing.

I'm confused about the visa. Wouldn't he just do the visa waiver thing? That's ok up to 90 days I thought?

I think I do believe him that he hasn't slept with her - though I can totally understand why others would think I'm kidding myself - but I do know him very well.

I thought I knew mine very well, well you would expect to after 30 years however discovering he was living a double life was a complete shock then to top it off finding out he also had a 14 year old child completely separate to that too was just the icing on the cake. So many lies came out that I don't honestly think he even knows who he really is anymore so what chance did I have. Your DH may be telling the truth but if he is then he needs to explain his actions yesterday because they don't add up.

Blimey, unknownabc, I thought my situation was bad. That sounds horrendous.

I can see why at this stage you're believing him, but please prepare yourself to find out otherwise as logically that is where this is going.

Is he willing to talk this through properly? With a therapist present if needed?

unknown - me too. Almost 40 years now and on my own after finding out about my husbands double life when working away.

OP - it doesnt sound good. Im sorry.

As someone else said, he's crossed a line in their relationship and it's making him really emotional and guilty. It might be that line was sex or it might be something else.

Me too. Thought I knew my dp inside out. He was also leafing a double life while Woking abroad.

Be very very wary op with this man you know so well

it must be exhausting being a bloke

i suppose this is like people who say they dont ever look at messages in an idle nosy moment as that 'shows the trust has gone'.
NO that shows that you wont be taken for a fool IMO

AFAIK, you have to have a job offer from the States to get even a 6-month work visa.

So the tears... Guilt? Or the work arrangement in the US has gone pear-shaped? Or she's had cold feet about him living in the same city? Who knows, perhaps she too is in a relationship and whatever OP's DH and she had was supposed to be strictly extracurricular and she's horrified that he might move over and mess everything up for her.

All speculation on my part, but still possible explanations for his behaviour.

Why does he have a 5 year working visa for the States?

That is super weird.