Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex being sentenced today. I need some hand holding

215 replies

MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 11:03

Long story short. My ex husband raped me numerous times during our relationship. I finally reported him last year. Last month he pleaded guilty to 2 counts of rape and 1 count of assault by penetration. He left it right to the last second to change his plea to guilty but I was so relieved I didn't have to go to court.
He is in court for sentencing today. I am a bit of a mess. I feel so shaky and scared. I know he's going to go to prison so I don't know what I'm scared of.
I have to phone witness care later and they will be able to find out his sentence.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 21:01

Summerbreezer, thank you for that. After reading that I definitely feel like I'm doing the right thing by staying away.

OP posts:
99percentchocolate · 04/09/2015 21:01

I'm so sorry you are going through this and that you have to wait another week. Do not feel bad for "ruining his life". He is an adult and in control of his own actions. He did something terrible to you and he deserves to be punished for it. If anybody has ruined his life it is him, not you.
I am a little in awe of how brave you've been (and continue to be).

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 04/09/2015 21:02

Wow op, I don't know what to say I am completely speechless! You're absolutely inspiring...nevermind not wanting to bother your sister - she will be proud to know someone as brave and resilient as you! Honestly I am floored, you should write a book on how to cope with just about anything.. Sorry for the horrible wait..

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 21:02

I will be starting counselling soon. There was a waiting list but I have a named advisor I can call at any time. I find it hard to talk about though. It's much easier writing it down here.

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 04/09/2015 21:02

Ah. I just read the post from SummerBreezer. Don't bother with the guilt. You have done nothing to deserve that feeling.

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2015 21:04

If it helps, then keep writing :-)

MultiShirker · 04/09/2015 21:05

Coming in late, but you are a heroine Flowers Give your beautiful daughter a hug and think about the way your action is helping in a small way to make the world a safer place for her, and all girls & women. One more step in the long journey of having men realise that women are human, and have rights to their bodies and minds!

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 21:05

Thank you for such encouraging words. You guys make me feel stronger. I don't feel brave, for a long time I tried to bury it but I couldn't get past the feeling that I needed to stand up for myself and for my dd.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 04/09/2015 21:06

God I'm not surprised you want to smash his head in-I do as well and I don't know either of you. You're doing brilliantly. Are you having any sort of counselling-I imagine what you are feeling us perfectly normal and understandable and that you need reassuring about that. Big unmumsnetty hugs.

Haggisfish · 04/09/2015 21:07

Doh-sorry, in the time it took me to write that lots of other people posted!

Despondentlyyours · 04/09/2015 21:10

I have been thinking about you all day. You did the right thing by reporting. Best wishes, please make your mantra be "onwards and upwards".

Summerbreezer · 04/09/2015 21:11

You should feel extremely proud and extremely brave.

I am not sure if I can make this point without seeming crass and insensitive, but I am going to try.

The statistics on rape convictions are appalling. Few people report them, few of them make it to trial (particularly rape in a domestic context, which as you can imagine is often difficult to prove) and even fewer end up as convictions.

I am not going to use the word fortunate - that would be entirely improper in this context. But you have got a small slice of justice. Many thousands of victims sadly don't get that crumb. You are testament to a creaking, underfunded justice system that does occasionally work and a light to those who may be thinking of reporting their abuser.

I hope the knowledge of this gives you some degree of comfort at some point in the future.

Lambzig · 04/09/2015 21:12

Martha, you are incredibly brave,

I just wanted to say that if your sister is supportive, no matter if she has just had a baby, she would want you to call her/Skype/whatever and help you.

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 21:22

Thank you Flowers

I think it only got to court because when he was first interview he admitted having sex with me whilst I was asleep but he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing Hmm
The police were stunned when he changed his plea. They said not many men admit to it because they know it's really hard to get a conviction. Also I'd spoke to my GP about it a few times over the years and so it's then documented.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 21:23

I think I will talk to my sister. I just don't like burdening people with my problems.

OP posts:
GlitzAndGigglesx · 04/09/2015 21:27

Gosh well done and stay strong! Flowers

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 22:33

I'm so confused because he's not even on Mondays court list

OP posts:
definiteissues · 04/09/2015 22:40

Sorry to hear that it got postponed. I hope that everything goes OK next week

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 04/09/2015 23:05

Nothing meaningful to contribute but Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/09/2015 23:17

Oh my God, OP, I am so sorry for what you've been through. I am completely taken aback that your husband is in court for this. My husband did this to me regularly. I would often wake up and he'd be having sex with me or I'd wake in the morning and "know" he had if you see what I mean. It never occurred to me to report it. My husband would certainly not see what he had done wrong and used to look at me incredulous when I complained even when I said it was rape. We are now divorcing, but not because of this.

Bless you, I wish you strength to get through this and hope he is treated appropriately Flowers

Andro · 04/09/2015 23:28

I'm so confused because he's not even on Mondays court list

That's not surprising, it's very likely that Monday is booked solid. Beyond that it could take some time for the judge to receive the information he wants and factor it in

fakenamefornow · 04/09/2015 23:32

Wow! Thank you op, thank you so so much. A violent rapist is going to be taken of the streets because of you. You're a hero and deserve a medal and your daughter is so lucky to have you for a mum.

Stay strong.

Finola1step · 04/09/2015 23:42

I would also like to thank you for reporting him.

redshoeblueshoe · 04/09/2015 23:44

Martha Flowers Star
I am angry with your parents - how bloody dare they Angry
Whatever the sentence is - please do not get upset if you don't immediately feel better. Just take one day at a time.

I'm sure your sister will be very proud of you

Joysmum · 04/09/2015 23:47

I hope the counselling helps. I've literally in my past 2 sessions managed to begin to bring my thinking and feeling in to tandem.

I know that logically it wasn't my fault, I could have predicted or prevented and that a rapist will rape and it's not because of anything I did or didn't do, I've only just started to truly feel this though. It's such a relief.