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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex being sentenced today. I need some hand holding

215 replies

MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 11:03

Long story short. My ex husband raped me numerous times during our relationship. I finally reported him last year. Last month he pleaded guilty to 2 counts of rape and 1 count of assault by penetration. He left it right to the last second to change his plea to guilty but I was so relieved I didn't have to go to court.
He is in court for sentencing today. I am a bit of a mess. I feel so shaky and scared. I know he's going to go to prison so I don't know what I'm scared of.
I have to phone witness care later and they will be able to find out his sentence.

OP posts:
Buttwing · 04/09/2015 12:56

Think what you are feeling is totally normal. I think you are amazing and such a brave person Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 13:05

As he entered a guilty plea early in the proceedings he may receive a considerably lighter sentence than that which you may be hoping for and he'll only serve half of any prison term the judge is minded to hand down, less any time he has served on remand, with the remainer being served on licence in the community.

If the case was heard this morning the Court office should be aware of the outcome or you can call the Prisoner Custody Officer after 2pm (lunch time tends to be busy).

As always the actual sentence is/was in the lap of the gods or, to be more precise, a matter to be pondered by the judge with representations from your ex's barrister and the prosecution. If you made a victim personal statement that will also be taken into account somewhere along the line.

It's to be hoped that justice will done to your satisfaction, but it will be no fault of yours if it falls short of your expectations.

KurriKurri · 04/09/2015 13:10

Well done, you are a very brave woman - this must have been such a terrible ordeal for you. The waiting today must be extremely stressful - I echo everyone else, just try to keep busy until the time you can phone and I hope very much for you that the sentence given to him will help you move on from all this.

As an aside - have the police been helpful in giving you info about sources of support, - such as victim support?, Also when I was in an abusive situation (much much less severe than yours) the police gave me the number of local organisations supporting women dealing with such things - I don't know if you have had anything like that, it might be worth asking about them if you think it might help xx Flowers

SixtyFootDoll · 04/09/2015 13:13

You can go to court for sentencing? Or ask someone to go on your behalf?

SixtyFootDoll · 04/09/2015 13:16

Sorry, didn't mean to put a question mark.
If you are up to it might be worth going for 'closure'

Sentencing is always an odd day. Nothing ever seems enough.

Andro · 04/09/2015 14:27

What's weird is that you'd think I feel better today.

Nope, sentencing is the worst day in my experience. Its the day when you either receive a semblance of justice or find out that the justice system has chosen to empty a salt pot over a still open wound.

I hope he gets what he deserves.

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 15:02

The police have been good up to a point. They've been great at letting me know what's happening with court appearances etc. in terms of emtional support I've been in touch with my local rape counselling services. I found it too difficult to really talk to them though. I'm going to start proper counselling with them soon.

I did have the option to go to court for sentencing but I decided not to. I really didn't want to see him.

I'm just waiting to pick dd up from school, she is only 5 and a good distracted Smile

I really appreciate you all being here today. Flowers

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/09/2015 15:12

Such a mix of emotions eh Flowers

You did so well to report him - and thank God the law is in place for this now. I hope he gets a stiff sentence. You're allowed to feel revenge btw. Appropriate in the circs xx

TracyBarlow · 04/09/2015 15:15

On a Friday most courts will be done and dusted by 4.30pm, 5pm at the very latest so you'll know the outcome very soon. Thinking of you.

pocketsaviour · 04/09/2015 15:20

Hang in there OP. You've been really brave.

Tealtowel · 04/09/2015 15:22

Hope your doing ok OP. Some Flowers for you.
Hope you have a nice afternoon with your DD

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 04/09/2015 15:22

You've been very brave! I know nothing can really make up for what he has done to you, but I hope they throw the book at him Flowers

spiderlight · 04/09/2015 15:24

You have ben incredibly brave. I hope he gets what he deserves and that you feel better once you know the outcome. Thinking of you Flowers

VincentVonGogh · 04/09/2015 15:25
Flowers
YonicScrewdriver · 04/09/2015 15:26

I am so damn proud of you. Well done.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2015 15:33

You have been so brave. I hope he gets the book thrown at him. But remember, no matter what, he sentencing has nothing to do with your 'value' as a victim. I really can't think of the right way to say this, sorry. What I'm trying to say is that you are no less a victim if he is sentenced to 2 years than if he's sentenced to 200 years.

quicklydecides · 04/09/2015 15:34

Thinking of you.

Summerbreezer · 04/09/2015 15:36

I should also have linked you to this, OP:

xhibit.justice.gov.uk/xhibit/court_lists.htm

Live court updates. Will tell you if the case is finished or not (although will not tell you the sentence imposed).

Goddess I thought the OP said that he changed his plea "at the last second"? I took that to mean at the door of the court - i.e. just before trial. In that case his credit will be reduced to 10%.

kungfupannda · 04/09/2015 15:52

If he was third on the list at 10am he will almost certainly have been sentenced. You can actually just ring the court office and ask for the outcome - it's a matter of public record. Alternatively, ring your liaison officer.

It's probably a good idea to ring around now - the courts tend to be done and dusted early on a Friday and you don't want to be left hanging. Although it may well be reported in the media tomorrow. I don't know how you feel about seeing it in the paper before managing to speak to someone though.

Good luck.

kungfupannda · 04/09/2015 15:53

I meant to say, there's only so short the sentence can realistically be - the sentencing guidelines are pretty restrictive these days, and a judge would have to give solid reasons for dipping beneath them.

PacificDogwood · 04/09/2015 15:57

MsMarthaMay, just adding my support.
You did a brave thing to report him, and are given a strong message to your DD (whether she knows what's going on or not just now).
Hope your walk and doing the school run were a good distraction.
I hope you can move your life forward after this auspicious day Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2015 15:59

Have you rung them yet, Martha?
Hope you're feeling less unsettled now.

I suspect in a weird way that part of what you're feeling is almost like a loss - you've been focussed on this for a long while, and now it's coming to an "end" of sorts - so what will your focus be after this?
PLus the anxiety that he may still not have got a decent prison sentence - but here's hoping he got the most they could throw at him.

Still holdign your hand but on my way to bed now so I hope that you are ok.
Have a glass of Wine or cup of Brew, whichever suits you more. x

scater · 04/09/2015 16:07

You have been incredibly brave, I hope whatever the sentence you manage to relax and sleep well tonight.

Original poster
MsMarthaMay · 04/09/2015 16:19

Bugger!!! The sentencing has been postponed until next week!!! The judge wants some more information about a previous offence he committed. I thought that should all have been done by now!!!

I'm beyond pissed off!

OP posts:
Summerbreezer · 04/09/2015 16:23

I am sorry to hear that Martha. That is annoying - this type of information should be retrievable by the OIC at court.

Anyway, the reason the Judge wants to know about the precious conviction is to see whether it has similarities with the current offences, thereby increasing his sentence. So it may lead to a better outcome in the long run.