Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

Trip, My username is a blues song tittle. I waited six months after splitting from my exh before I started dating again. Had a panic attack yesterday, but realised that I was ignoring the red flags and just seeing the bullshit act. I feel a right fool.

All posters on here obviously know what men are like, My eyes are open now but I still keep trying to see I its something I did to turn him nasty or he's got pent up aggression towards his ex.He was very nasty and now texting me again. He changed too fast from love bombing, flowers and chocolate to saying I had seemed so Dow lately and that he felt like the axe was going to drop.

Total fool I have been, Still have a man I dated from Las December still trying get back into my life. What attracts these kind of men.

Anyway thanks for the advice, Now I need to reset myself and concentrate on my home and family.

6 months is pretty soon for most people after a 12 year marriage you know. Take some time for you and your kids, enjoy being on your own for a bit.

Honestly, you do seem desperate and to be taking anything that comes along and the wrong type of men will pick up on that,hence attracting them so much.

If you haven't considered counseling, please do. I had a terrible habit of picking really shit men. Got tired of it, went to a counselor, and learnt a LOT about myself and why I did the things I did.

Met DH after I finished counseling and never looked back.

The guy from last Dec .........its not the love bombing dickhead is it?

I spent time alone doing things, Dug up my garden, did art classes and started working out. I am not looking for a man to fill my life, provide for me or my kids. My homes nicely decorated, I can paint and hang shelves.

I just don't always see the red flags and tend to focus on the good in people and as a Leo tend to like the compliments.

Yes Helena its the love bombing guy, and I have told him no several times. Its so easy to see the red flags once away from a situation.

I do like the company of a man and the last man seemed good, I got to see him around his friends and family but he started getting domineering. Was upset that I didn't have his number stored on my phone, We only ever texted and angry I had hidden my dating profile and not deleted.

He changed very quickly once I stood up to his drunken bullying. He was the nicest bloke ip untill the tipping point with a alcohol and being tired. Then he'd shout if I tried to talk to him or keep him from snoozing off on my sofa. And I have never had someone shout so angrily at me like he did. I'm thinking his ex kicked out due to his domineering nature and temper. Now I've spoken to family I can see how he was dragging me down and my family said I lost my spark.

Gotta there is a very VERY high chance that his ex was abused by him.

A relationship should enhance your life. The whole point of dating is to get to know someone over a period of time. Not only are these guys robbing you of this because of their own sense of entitlement....they are selfish and only thinking of themselves.

Cant believe Love Bomb Git is still bothering you the entitled fuckwit.

I don't think you sound desperate. Wanting a relationship isn't desperate, it's normal.

You've been out of the game for a long time. Not only are there some seriously disordered people out there, I do think we have to look at how we're attracting them. Aside from there just are fuckwits about, it's good to learn about red flags ie behaviour that has been recognised as indicative of a disordered personality - or someone who is going to fuck one up, or over.

As Across says, its a good idea to get some good quality therapy under your belt if you find you're attracting one after another disordered types. You're certainly not the first btw so don't be thinking you're an irreparable mess!

I do respect your honesty op. You have weathered the slings and arrows on this thread with grace.

It is a minefield dating after a divorce with kids. Even if you're not desperate/the type that can't cope without a man a lot of these chances (see how restrained I can be ) ASSUME that a single mum is desperate.

6 months is not long at all. You're going through a bereavement and are probably still in an adjustment phase. I was only married for 7 years but together longer and I didn't even contemplate dating for at least a year and even then I didn't actively seek I just went with the flow.

Personally I would suggest:

Get more of a social life before considering a love life.
When you are ready to date, the social life will help and also you can just let friends know you're open to it.
Consider which OLD sites you're using. Some are better than others.
Get a friend to review your profile Inc pic. A fresh pair of eyes can pick up things you wouldn't.
Consider not being exclusive right from the beginning? Nothing wrong with keeping things casual, light, friendly. But do be clear about this to who you date.

I wish you luck and hope you find happiness.

Thanks Springs and Bacon. Thinking much more clearly, I definitely need to stop giving these men excuses for their behaviour. Just dusted off a book called What smart women know.

I got sucked in with this man but now looking at how quickly he changed, dropped his guard, he's emotional not right, possessive and domineering. Since we have dated he's got me gifts, and has been pushing things too quickly. Passing comments like he wants to marry me so other men know I'm his :\ He loves me so much and can't imagine his life without me.

He's also said a few things about his ex which annoyed me. A man who thinks his partners getting sex elsewhere because she's not giving it to him a few months after having a baby must be insecure and selfish.

Since we started dating he's made her let him have daughter on Sunday and is pushing for every weekend. I personally don't think his home situation I suitable for a small child who's not two yet. That's why I have let him stay at mine with her.

Update is, I stood up to him when he was drunk and shouting at me. He stormed off drunk and drove home. He left some clothes at my home so I tried phoning him, he'd blocked me. I had my first ever panic attack which actually shook me up and made me realise how unhealthy the whole situation is.

Finally I got a message to him and he came last night to pick up bits, I had my mum in the house incase he got loud or worse.

He got his bits, I said I wasn't angry but confused by his actions. He said in his mind we were over and he deleted my number and deleted my pics and messages. This is the man who apologised on Saturday, said he didn't want to loose me, loved me and wouldn't do I again. He seemed so sincere and was so nice up until drunk, tired and wanted me to shut up and let him sleep and kicked off. He said I made him mad because I didn't know when T stop going on, I am very jolly when I drink.and my family said he's trying to get me to take the blame for his explosive anger.

After getting his stuff yesterday he texted saying he was sorry and after seeing me he realised how much he loved me. I'm not buying it, you don't delete someone's number you love and decide its over, ignore their calls and go cold.

Biggest red flag so far has been saying I love you after a few weeks, rushing to introduce me to their children after a few weeks and not consulting their ex partners of this. Wanting to take up my free time and talking about marriage and having a baby. Seems like he's trying to trap me, he took on his ex children and sounds like he was the one who had to make them behave because the children's mum couldn't. His ex kicked him out and left his stuff on the doorstep, he must of done something bad for that to happen.

Now looking at things there are so many things he's said and done that shows his controlling.

What a major twunt. You are well rid.

He deleted and blocked you because you 'stepped outside the cage' and he couldn't deal with that. Men like that need to keep a woman controlled and corralled up. But they also are smart enough to know that most women don't play that, and so they want to keep ahold of one who allows it. So they sweet-talk and say what we want to hear to try and cajole you right back into the cage. The scary part is that they are very good at twisting things round, and very good at appealing to the things that a woman wants; love, home, marriage, children.

You really are well rid of him! Please don't be tempted to let him back in.

Helena, I just feel like a right idiot for falling for all his crap. He left me alone at a party one weekend and got angry because I got drunk and he had to pick me up. It was his families party and he invited me along.

Feel like my confidence is really low now, feel like I should of been more guarded.

I just hope he doesn't keep contacting me like the last dysfunction one I dated.

It's good that you are reflecting on all the things that weren't right, and from the sounds of it, there were loads.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might help you to consolidate those experiences into learning for next time.

I also hate to be pedantic, but it is 'should have' not 'should of' (in the spirit of learning things from this thread )

Oh should have/should of - who gives a fuck? Beryl

Girl, you are doing marvellously. Thank goodness you posted, you have so dodged a bullet, he sounds dreadful, all the red flags. Perhaps if you got together with his ex you'd have a lot to share ( not serious about that but yswim)

DEFINITELY do the Freedom Programme. Google it, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. It is a wonderful course, I couldn't agree it more highly.

Keep going, plenty of us have got caught in this insidious trap. Some of us married them so you've not done so badly at all

Please don't think you're an idiot. You are NOT. You've simply done what 99% of us have done at one time or another, fall for the wrong man. Remember it's not foolish to make a mistake, it's only foolish not to learn from it. And I think you have learnt from this one. So pick up, dust off, and move forwards, yes?

You have a whole wonderful life ahead of you, full of fun, excitement, and love.

Well done for getting rid of him.I truly believe that healing is required after a long relationship and treat it as similar to a bereavement.Often the need for emotional closeness after a breakup is to fill the void/heal the wounds.A new failed relationship adds further wounds (damaged self esteem, sadness etc)

If you allow yourself single time you start to recover naturally and ultimately are stronger.Suddenly you realisr that none of those abusive men are attractive and you don't give them the time of day.

I had a relationship post breakup and look back now and think what on earth was I doing.It's so clear how wrong it was but at the time I was so vulnerable it felt the best I could get.I spent time alone with my child building up me.Some days I was sad..no question but I was recovering.

Dh came on the scene and saw this capable strong woman.I was actually so busy with life that he had to fit in with me but 15 years later we are still happy.

There is such pressure to be a couple that I understand the drive to get a boyfriend but it's worth taking time out to recover.

I recommend yoga & mediation or mindfulness, YouTube is great for these and it helps keep a positive mindset when you have the low days.

Thanks mylovely, I did take time out and got strong and positive after my marriage break up. I live a healthy lifestyle and workout four times a week. It seems the last two men I dated we're more desperate to get into a relationship. Both had bad break ups, no tea homes but living with family. Eager for me to meet their children and saying that they love me early on.

This last guy really messed with my head.