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Original poster

Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

218 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 09:05

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

OP posts:
poocatcherchampion · 04/09/2015 11:40

Stepdaughter??? Hmm

GnTformeplease · 04/09/2015 11:45

FFS really?!! What about the DC? I'm sorry, but your precious 'child free weekends' aren't what comes first! Stop being so selfish. I feel so sorry for his DC. I have my DD 95% of the time and if my new DP was whinging about how much time I spent with my DD, she'd have been shown the door! Luckily, she's a lovely, selfless person, who understands that my DD comes first.

If you don't like it OP, leave.

LineyReborn · 04/09/2015 11:52

Bloody hell.

Bellebella · 04/09/2015 11:53

Seriously it's double standards. You can't say its good for your ex to have his kids every weekend but for him not to. If you want child free weekends then you are with the wrong man, he has his daughter.

Don't you think you are moving too fast, you have been dating 8 weeks He is not you partner but someone you are dating. You should not even be meeting each other's kids. It's not your place to say anything regarding his child.

Does not sound this is a relationship for you.

AyeAmarok · 04/09/2015 12:04
Hmm
Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 12:15

Feather, I do not intend to make it difficult. I was hoping from this thread to get a few responses from those that are in similar situation and weather it works in new relationships with small children involved.

I haven't said I will not support his choice but simply worried if I should be that much involved in their relationship. He's been very keen for us to spend time together.

I didn't rush to meet his children, we both agreed that before we got too involved it was Best to see if our children liked us. Because if it was a case of kids being unhappy then we wouldn't carry on seeing each other. Better than waiting six months and getting all involved and kids are not happy.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/09/2015 12:20

Um, no. It's better to see how you fare together and THEN, when stable and you think there is a proper future ahead for you, you slowly introduce the kids. If it doesn't work out and they don't get on with the kids then you end it.

You don't introduce and confuse the kids first. That is wrong. It is stupid. It is selfish. It f*cks with their heads.

A child liking someone for a short period of time means absolutely NOTHING. Nothing at all. Stop trying to convince yourself you were trying to do the right thing. Even more so if your autistic child is also spending time with him. How damn irresponsible can you get?

fairyfeatures · 04/09/2015 12:22

Because if it was a case of kids being unhappy then we wouldn't carry on seeing each other. Better than waiting six months and getting all involved and kids are not happy.

So you had the kids in mind huh? Let them get all attached first and then you pair split up and they are heartbroken. But that's ok because if it was the other way around, you pair of idiots would be heartbroken instead and that would be worse!! I have officially heard it ALL!

BerylStreep · 04/09/2015 12:39

I'm pretty sure I have some carrots at the bottom of the fridge which are older than 8 weeks.

Waaay to early for any of this. I cannot believe you a) have introduced each other to your children, or b) are sleeping over at his when his child is there.

I don't like the way he, or you, or his family talk about his ex, or the threats of legal action.

Far too much drama, far too much happening too soon.

ALemonyPea · 04/09/2015 12:41

I think you're expecting too much too soon. You've been with him 2 months. E isn't going to stop seeing his daughter just for you.

And there are total double standards here. It's ok for your DC to spend every weekend with their dad, but not for your partner of 2 months to have his daughter every weekend?

If you wasn't something like that, ditch your current partner and date someone with no kids, or someone who has kids during the week like yourself.

hereandtherex · 04/09/2015 12:43

Er, you met someone 2 months ago. Never met him before, know nothing about him. And he's moved in/access to your kids!

Are you fcking nuts?

GnTformeplease · 04/09/2015 12:44

Oh yeah, sure you introduced them early to protect their feelings! Bollocks! What if his dcs really liked you and yours really looked up to him? What then?' Oh sorry kids, you're not seeing x anymore, cos after we'd actually got to know each other, we decided we weren't right for one another after all. Sorry.' No harm done, ey.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 12:48

Definitely going to take on board a lot of what's been said. I do need to discuss with him that things have been moving too quickly. Only time I spent the night with him and daughter was at his parents and in a separate guest room. Its mostly been trips to the park and grandparents.

I have read text messages from him to her and she's been very nasty, if I said such things to my ex he'd have the right to be mad at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 12:50

I don't want him to stop seeing his daughter for me, I'm just not sure how we go from having time alone to having no time. Was hoping for advice from parents dating with similar situation.

OP posts:
featherandblack · 04/09/2015 12:50

If you're planning to tell him that his decision to see his daughter weekly is a 'change just to benefit him' leaving you 'a spare part' you are most certainly making it harder for him to make that choice.

featherandblack · 04/09/2015 12:51

And implying he's being selfish by not considering both of you.

shiteforbrains · 04/09/2015 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnTformeplease · 04/09/2015 13:14

Well there are lots of us in similar situations, as far as having kids from a previous relationship and having new partners, but I think, I hope, you're on your own in thinking that any of this is responsible.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/09/2015 13:27

Why are you reading text messages between him and his ex? It is absolutely none of your business!!! Stay well out of it. It's new girlfriends involving themselves that cause a lot of issues between separated parents. Leave it.

0dfod · 04/09/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Learningtoletgo · 04/09/2015 13:54

OP you sound a bit starry eyed at this new relationship and not necessarily thinking straight. Most people don't rush in this quickly with kids so you're unlikely to find many people I the same boat.

I would be a bit more cautious and start taking off the rose tinted glasses if I were you.

Think about it logically, why would his family genuinely think the new woman is the bees knees and the mother of their grandchild is Satan incarnate in a matter of 8 weeks? My ILs did this and I was highly suspicious at the time. Turns out there we're still in contact with ex and feeding information back. They have a biological link to her through their grandchild. You are the new flame. If over years things develop great! But don't be naive.

It was far too early to introduce the kids. You are still dating you're not in a relationship.

You need to start thinking of the kids and not just how the adults feel.

How do you support yourself btw if you are home schooling as a single parent? Are you feeling the pressure of being alone so are perhaps rushing headlong into this relationship? I'm not trying to financially bash you, it just might be at the back of your mind and clouding your judgement?

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 14:36

Odfod, learn
Thanks for advice. With regards to reading text messages from his ex, he showed me because he was upset. I had a mutual split from my exh and its not always easy to be civil but when it comes to the children I wouldn't use them against my ex or get nasty because he is dating.

I have my own home and financially good with exh contributing towards children and schooling. Its not a case of needing a man for support or making a family situation. I have been alone for almost two years, dated and this is the first man I have introduced to my children.

We instantly clicked, I have dated a few men who have displayed red flags and I have got out quick.

I don't think its fair to say its a red flag if a man or women are having a hard time with ex and feel upset and want to talk about it. He's never called her names or anything personal.

Seems women are very defensive if a man has bad things to say about an ex, of course a lot of women get emotional about certain subjects close to home and deflect it. I haven't had a abusive or angry split, no string of boyfriends and I'm not pessimistic but obviously I need to look at different points of view to see where I'm going wrong.

I won't be getting involved with how much he decides to see his daughter nut I did suggest that mum might need weekend time to for outings and such but I haven't said anything else because its not up to me.

Have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/09/2015 14:44

With respect, you shouldn't be suggesting anything to regards to his daughter and who she spends time with.

Honestly, stay well out of it!

mylovelylife · 04/09/2015 14:51

we both agreed that before we got too involved it was Best to see if our children liked us. Because if it was a case of kids being unhappy then we wouldn't carry on seeing each other

I agree with others who point how flawed this logic is. The key factor is to determine if the adults are suited to each other and ONLY then introduce the children. This ensures that the children are only introduced when there are firm footings.

I think you need to rethink the relationship as I can understand why you don't love the idea of no free weekends. You and your boyfriend are at different stages and that might be the sad reality (but you have introduced the kids so they will witness a breakup, that however is preferable to continuing)

I can relate to this as I met my dh when his daughter was a similar age and I recognised that he needed to build a single parent relationship with his daughter. As a result we didn't see each other as often as we would have liked (as the weekends of childfree periods didn't coincide) however we accepted this as it goes with being a parent and putting the children first. We took blending the families really slowly..think 2 years not 2 months!

Why the rush? You are both parents and I guess keen not to make a relationship mistake again so why not slow everything down...Perhaps ask your ex to have your older children from a Friday so you have 1 night a week or drop them back to you on a Monday so that you have Sunday evening.

You boyfriend has to invest the time now with his young daughter to establish a good bond and perhaps you and him are not deemed to be together at this time, unless you are patient.

I think if you want a weekend relationship (and absolutely nothing wrong in that) you are with the wrong man

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 04/09/2015 14:53

Yes, you are being selfish but I can understand why you feel the way you do. Regardless of whether you have been together 2 months or 2 years, I think you need to decide whether you want to deal with raising young children again. If you don't, get out now while the relationship is still young.

It is his child and IMO, if you want to be with him, you have to support his desire to be with his child as much as possible. Either way, I wish you luck!