Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

Clearly him and his ex have "unresolved issues" you said yourself he's angry with her and it seems the weekend thing is out of spite.
I'd walk away personally or ride it out of you genuinely think you can make it work but keep your children and his at arms length until your certain it will work.
I appreciate it would be easier for your relationship if your child free nights coincided but if you a 2 parent family you'd have them 24/7 anyway so your lucky in a way that you may get the odd night alone.

Have a good think what you what and talk to him, but take a moment to consider your own motivation for asking him to reconsider. Xx

BritneySpearsctasuit I agree with TripTrapTripTrap. The OP has known him for 8 weeks. She doesn't get to insist on anything and she IS being selfish, complaining that having a toddler around is interfering with her relationship with her new boyfriend.

The child comes first. Not the Dad and not his new girlfriend. Even the law agrees with that.

It is NOT selfish Britney you come across as very immature and selfish yourself!

I was seeing a man for four months earlier this year. My children (who didnt know there was even a man) went to their dad's every other saturday overnight. Even then i didnt see the boyfriend each time i was child free. i had a life before him that no way was i putting on hold. i saw friends, saw my parents, had chilled nights in on my own with my jammies on. Why is OP and this man taking up all of every single weekend of each other's time? thats really intense for a few weeks long romance.

You're completely missed interpreting what I am saying to suggest I think OP should demand after 8 weeks her boyfriends life revolves around her.

Not at all.

I am suggesting she realise it is NOT selfish to expect time alone, dates and being ONE of his priorities if he wants a relationship with her.

Stepping in with someone who says they love you after two months and is battling to have his kids every weekend is a mistake.

OP needs boundaries...the man clearly has none. There should be a year of daying before you are with his children "as a family" and in the meantime don't give up your life. If he wants to date AND have kids he will have to find a Saturday night for that. If he wants a ready made Stepmum then OP is not selfish for saying "no".

If after a looong relationship you want to become a family and spend most of your time as a family it's different but STILL reasonable to expect a date night once a month.

Guilty Dad's behave in ways that hurt and take advantage of the good nature's of others.

I've done it and gave up absolutely everything and in the end he was so selfish he just decided to leave and I had no rights to see those kids I'd raised and loved.

No one can expect OP to be Mum to aand kids after 8 weeks and if he us expecting this. ...which he is if he wants them every single weekend...and she's not selfish for recognising that.

I would move on and date someone else who had space in their life for me.

Does the 8 weeks include the time spent online, or 8weeks of actually spending time in each other's company?

He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action

Sorry that is enough of a red flag for me - you don't have your child to get at your ex.

If I' were you I'd step back and have some lovely child-free weekends. Leave him to it.

Britney where does it say that he expects that? Where does it say that the op has said that she doesn't want the child with them any weekend? She hasn't. She thinks it's all perfectly fine and has introduced her own children to this man. She also thinks that is fine and that at 11 and 13 or whatever they are 'old enough to know about relationships'. She also said it is a MUTUAL agreement that they BOTH wanted it this way.

The op has been irresponsible and immature (as has the dad), she is even referring to him as her 'partner' . Op herself has put herself in this position. She chooses to go to his house when his daughter is staying over. She chooses to spend time with her and 'adore her' , she has talked and decided HERSELF. She chose to introduce her own children and decided it was fine. THEY -op and the man she is dating, decided it was the right way to do things together!

But none of that is actually relevant in a sense, because wanting to see your child is a priority. It is nothing to do with the op but she is making it her business -wrongly. She should not be prioritized over a parent-child relationship and has no say whatsoever. If she didn't want to be there she wouldn't be,but she is and she's loving it.

Furthermore, nobody ever has to make themselves available on a Saturday night. There are 7 days in a week.

Why are you intent on making it all as the mans fault? He has no boundaries? Neither does the op!!!! Read what she has said. She's wanted to play families then doesn't like it when he wants his child more often. She chose this (and it's all very wrong) and chose to put herself in the child's life

The man finding a new girlfriend (OP) and wanting to change custody to have his doc every weekend are two events that have/are happening pretty much at the same time. Coincidence? I think not.

My feeling on this is the bf will be using OP as an on call babysitter when he has custody. He will be able to have alone time/pub time/ footie time/ extracurricular activities time (iykwim) at the expense of OP's generosity.

Imho, OP is being selfish, but in a good way. I agree with BritanySpearsCatsuit.

They both sound delightful

The OP sounds selfish and not concerned in the slightest for the welfare of any of the DC involved - hers or his

her "partner" sounds like an angry, controlling knob using his child to get at his ex ("Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend.")

Well triptrap, apologies, maybe I have not read the whole thread and they are both selfish wallies then. I just think that all of this "ready made family" stuff after 5 minutes is silly and not how grown adults should behave.

Dating should be just dating for a good long while before kids are involved. I don't let anyone meet my son and that often means I go without dates - so be it.

What I meant was, after you get into a serious relationship, whether the kids are yours or someone elses, no one should not feel selfish about wanting to have a night off once in a while and a bit of adult time and in fact I think relationships fall apart without that.

I had a horrible time because of a man who could not accept he was divorced and a part time Dad. All of the sacrifces came from me and not him.

I had DS and he had his own children. After we moved in, we had my DS 100% of the time and his kids every weekend and every school holiday.

I accepted that (actually even welcomed it) because I loved him, loved his children and wanted to create a blended family with the man I loved. In the end I made such a martyr of myself that I didn't work so I could be around for his (much younger) kids in the holidays, I didn't go out for new years eve for six years on the trot. I never saw my family at Chrismas in all that time so we could stay local and share the day with his ex wife, I didn't go out to the pub or for a meal or on a mini break -ever. He did not have his kids during the week, so he was not spending his weekend evenings getting a babysitter.

I missed important events, I missed all the things I wnated to do, I sacrificed financially, I sacrificed myself really.

I called this "putting the kids first" but when I say we never went out... I mean never, ever and while I loved him and loved his kids also living that life changed me. I gave up far too much to accommodate his desire to have his children around all the time and I was a fool for doing it.

Oh yes, and he still went out with his mates during the week because he did not really actually care what I wanted or felt because he never bothered to ask. All he wanted was what he wanted.

He didn't give a toss that his kid never got a weekend with their Mum.

He didn't give a toss that I never went out and missed out on things.

He didn't give a toss that being stepmum to his kids means I couldn't work.

He "fell out of love" with me rather suddenly and pissed off and never let me see them again.

So all I am really saying is that if a single Dad hasn't got time to date then he shouldn't date. That taking on someone else's children should really only be something you do after a serious committment, and that he should also factor in the needs of his relationship if he wants to have one.

Britney We all agree that it's stupid, BUT it's not just the man. The op aswell, including her own children, and only thinking about herself and her relationship and her wants and not thinking of what is best or right for anyone else. That is why she is being told she is selfish and immature.

As for your experience, which is not the same at all, why were you unable to ever go out? That is not due to having his kids every weekend! As said, there are 7 days in a week. Even weekends you didn't have to stay in with his kids if you didn't want to. You didn't have to agree to look after his kids during the holiday, it was a choice that you made. And, surprisingly, many parents don't go out for New Years Eve for 6 years on the trot or ever, I find that a bizarre thing to bring up to illustrate. That's life! Families make choices, people make choices and lifestyle changes when they have kids. I can see little of the above, in you never going out, that was related to having his kids every weekend and school holiday, that's only a fraction of time

Perhaps I am only projecting here then from my own situation triptrap.

I was a total idiot to let him put his kids first to the point that I had absolutely no life, and would never be so stupid again.

If I was dating a man with children again, I'd consider them very much his children, unless we were married and I'd carry on with my own life and go out without him!

Yes what I mean is that I was stupid enough to think I was being selfish for wanting those things. I was blinded by being in love and wanting him to be happy and completely forgot I was important too.

I personally think if this man is making moved to have his children every weekend - he should be smart enough to understand that doing that means he can't have a girlfriend. Or at least one who expects to ever have weekend dates.

I think what he is actually expecting is uite diferrent. I think he is expecting OP to just take over as co-parent and in that situation after 8 weeks I would run for the hills.

As someone who's been a stepparent for over ten years now I have to say, that whilst alone time is important you have to build your relationship around the children. They need to feel 'normal'. And if you manage it properly then the results are awesome!

I concur with others that alarm bells should be ringing if you think he is doing this out of spite for his ex - that's not the right reason. However, if he genuinely wants to see his daughter for no other reason that his love for her it's time to start thinking outside the box.

You'll need to discuss the arrangement and get clarity on what should and shouldn't happen:
Agree a routine for his DD, preferably with her mum as well as it should match her homelife as closely as possible (within reason of course, if at home she's up until 1am then you'll need to look at an alternative routine)

Work out how you can spend time as a family doing things you all enjoy, but also how you can utilise the time his DD will be in bed - planning at home dates.

Agree who can go out with friends during this time. I think it's reasonable to expect that if you are invited out on a ladies night then your OH shouldn't prevent you because of his DD, however are you willing to offer him the same privilige? I often have DSS as well as both DS1&2 if my DH wants to go out, but I didn't at first (mainly because I was a 22YO with no experience of caring for a child alone!)

Although at her current age this shouldn't be an issue, eventually you need to agree a discipline procedure. Who and how will you manage bad behaviour? I tend to not get involved in the discipline side of DSS unless it's a collective 'telling off' when he and his brothers are being naughty. If it's a case of him doing something wrong at school or his mum's house then DH is responsible for discipline (which he discusses with his ex in advance)

And most importantly the relationship with his ex needs to be rebuilt as much as possible. Stepparenting is far easier when you know you can pick up the phone and chat to the mum should you need to. Many a time I've called DSS's mum to ask why he's being particularly surley or to ask whether he's got homework to do. It saves so much time and emotional energy.

Good luck, and try to put yourself in the shoes of the child before you start making rash decisions.

Ahhh...as for why we never went out.

Well my we had my DS 100% of the time, and while I was happy to get a babysitter anytime...he would not get one at the weekend when we had his children. So we were left to missing any weekend parties, dinner parties or social events.

He also had a busy weekday schedule - sports teams, amateur dramatics club.

In effect lived with him and had one night a week he was at home without his children and it was a Teusday. Not much to do ona Teusday (it's not a Saturday night) so we very rarely went out and ended up having dinner at home.

It was his perfect life, with all his needs filled and none of mine. He had an outside job, he had nights out, he had his chlidren, his sports clubs and everything he wanted and needed and I (very stupidly) felt selfish if I complained.

It didn't occur to me until long afterwards that he manipulated me into it by saying it was because he was a good Dad. It wasn't. He was a selfish twat who had no real room for me in his life other than to shag me and get me to do the laundry.

But that is still no reason for you not to go out any other time Britney , you don't have to go out on a Saturday night unless your idea of 'going out' is all about parties, clubbing and getting drunk!!!

Pink the op shouldn't be thinking or talking about anything you've mentioned as they have only been dating for 8 weeks and don't live together -obviously.

By the way, I'm assuming you've moved in together? If not then I think it will be even easier.

As for his needing to stay in her bed, that's probably to do with the fact that moving between two homes is quite stressful for a young child. Has he made her room nice etc?

TripTrap, apologies I should have read more clearly - the way the post reads it sounded as though they were living together. It also came across as having become very serious very quickly.

I can totally see why you thought that Pink I just had visions of the op coming back and picking up on someone who thought it was ok and deciding to go full on in there, seeing as she tends to ignore everyone else

Britney, I heart you.

You have answered your detractor with aplomb. Bravo bravo (if you don't mind me saying)

It sounds to me that you're both coming from the same place. Only britney got done over by a crud and she, naturally, can see the dangers from that perspective. BUT you both seem to be on the same page with the rest of it.

a child is for life, not just 'every other weekend'

if him prioritising his little girl over you after being together for such a short amount of time (or indeed ever really) is too much for you, i don't think it bodes well for your relationship, however 'head over heels' he is for you