Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

If you enter a relationship with someone who already has children I think it would be sensible to assume it's possible for them to have them FULL TIME and if you don't like that walk away.

What if the ex decided she wanted to give over full custody or heaven forbid died and he had no choice. Would that change the terms of the relationship you entered too?

I don't think 2 days a fortnight is enough with a small child. I would hate to only see mine so infrequently so I can see why he wants every weekend. The pita ex (funny how exes are so often awkward) probably doesn't want to lose every weekend either and get left with the less fun weekdays.

He is not being selfish to want more time with his dd, his ex is not being selfish about being awkward about losing every weekend, you are not being selfish about wanting some child free time. The problem is, everyone's wants are incompatible and your wants are naturally going to be at the bottom of the list because they are, frankly, unimportant compared to the wants/needs of a small child and her parents.

My dcs are smaller than yours but I wouldn't want to go back to having a toddler around every weekend either. The only solution is to either not date a man with a toddler, or do your own thing when he has her and make more of an effort to do things together during the week (when you have a 12 & 13 yo - not ideal but you have 3 kids between you, that's the reality). You can't expect him to cut his time with his small dd back to 1 day out of 7 so he can hang with a gf of 2 months. If he did, is he the kind of man you'd want to date anyway?

Can't agree that he sounds like a good father with sound family values, as Fairyfeatures thinks. I think he sounds like a man who is angry with his ex, and he's using his daughter as a pawn in a nasty game. If that's true, then he is a wanker, not a good father.

You've only been together 2 months, you're applying double standards, you think how his divorce is managed is any of your business, you're blindly accepting what he's telling you about the ex.

Yabvvvvvu

Two months?!!!!

Why are you even seeing each other every weekend? You're calling him "partner"? Absolute madness. You do not have a "partner" when you've known someone two months.

You are way too involved with this man you have only known for two months, you barely know him really.

He sounds as though he is using his parental time with his small child to manipulate and threaten his Ex, which does not make him seem a very pleasant character to me.

Your children are teenagers, do you want to spend the next few years looking after someone else's small child every weekend?

If I were you, I would step back from this relationship, arrange to spend time with him when he is child free and you can get to know him better.
If this proves to difficult to arrange, then he is not the man for you.

You're not being selfish to dislike the new arrangement. But you are being extremely selfish to think it should play a part in whether your partner goes ahead with this. And also in expecting your partner's DD to see her dad less often than your own children are able to see their's.

At the moment, your relationship with your partner should come a very, very distant second to his responsibilities and desires as a parent. I understand what you're saying about the difficulties of having a small child to stay, but these things simply don't matter in comparison to her getting to be with him more often. As for not liking things changing and this not being what you signed up for - life changes, especially when there are children involved. You need to accept that and accept that this is not about you. The ink is not dry on any arrangement you had with your partner anyway.

If you're serious about this man you'd do well to remember that coming between him and his daughter will be a huge turn-off. Quite rightly.

It's not great that he wants to see his DD more out of anger at his ex rather than love for the DD.

It's not great that you think a new girl friend of 2 months should be prioritised over a child being parented by her father.

Yes, you do sound selfish. He doesn't sound like he is "in a good place" either. Blended families take a lot of patience, self control, and forebearance to work. Neither of you appear to have what it takes at the moment.

This is not the right man for you now. You are mentally and emotionally in a place where you need someone unencumbered with other emotional attachments and responsibilities. And frankly, if he is using visitation as a tool to get back at his ex, he isn't going to have the emotional maturity to make up for your deficiencies either. This isn't going to work. Bad match.

That was just my perception on him wanting to spend more time with his daughter Will but on re-reading the bit about him being angry with ex, who knows, he may be angry with her because she is only allowing every other weekend access. My natural instinct was to give benefit of the doubt that he just wants to see his child more often. I certainly would want to if I was a separated man with a child that small. However, OP's post was asking if her own wants were selfish. Whatever reasons he wants the child, the rest of her post is completely selfish and unreasonable. I presume she knew he had a small child when she got involved with him. As she says, she has been there with small children herself and should know what that entails.

Neither of you sound like you put the children first.

Why is he even introducing his kid to someone he's known for 8 weeks? And you are sleeping over when she's there? Not appropriate.

He's telling you his ex is a pain (and you are believing it) while he's threatening her with court. To hurt her, not to see his kid more.

And you want to interfere in a situation you literally know nothing about. Have you even met his ex? Bet she tells a different story.

Whole situation sounds screwed up.

Blimey!
My 4 were with me every second when I met dh.
We just got on with it, that's what happens when you date a parent!

Re-read your OP as if you were someone else.
Lots of things jumping out:-

• Professing love after 2 months
• Already met his young DD
• Already stayed over when he has his young DD - and how often does he see her, surely the two of you can stay separate at this point?
• Involving you in big discussions re his ex and childcare 2 months in

It all sounds a bit too intense and yes I suspect it will not go well if you attempt to have a conversation re him having his DD every weekend. However I also suspect it's highly unlikely it will come to pass if his exW is the horrible, unreasonable harpy she is portrayed as being by him . Even if she is a lovely person I can't see any DM willingly handing over all weekends to tbe NRP tbh.

So if you want this relationship to continue - and I'd strongly suggest you take a step back - then personally I'd just keep quiet re his access to his DD and worry about it when it becomes a distinct possibility.

Have we been invaded again? With threads like this and the migrants on the bus thread its all getting a bit mad here.

On a practical level, if they're talking courts, I wouldn't assume he'll necessarily get every weekend. Maybe if she doesn't work during the week, but if she does, that would basically mean him getting all the 'free' time potentially- this is why every other weekend plus a weeknight is a more common pattern.

In answer to your question, yes you are being selfish, but that's perfectly allowable. You're totally entitled not to want to deal with someone else's toddler all weekend every weekend. You're just not entitled to think they should act on your preferences. If you don't want to have someone else's toddler every weekend, which is fine, you need to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have children. He doesn't sound very nice anyway.

Isabella - if you think OP is a troll then report it. Not good form to put accusations on a thread.

it's simple. Not everyone is cut out for being in a relationship with someone who has children. Even people who have children of their own. Clearly you are one of those, that's not wrong, but the issue is yours not his.

His ex doesn't want him to have her every weekend, No double standards. I homeschool my kids and I thought it only fair my ex gets as much quality time with kids as he can. My youngest is autistic and likes his routine.

I just think I would be a big change to how things are now, I adore hos child but just wondering how it will change things. I'm not bothered about Childs age to put that straight.

I adore his child

The two of you sound emotionally very immature

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend.

erm you have been dating a man you met online for TWO MONTHS

I think its way too early to even contemplate this, and my advice is to butt out and take a step back.

You haven't answered why you think his ex is a pain in the arse. Is it because your 'partner' says so?

Or is it because your just jealous of her for the fact she has a child with 'your man'?

I ask this because you seem very intense

why on earth are you seeing his child when you have only just started dating? Utter madness. What about his child's mother. Don't you think she may like to see her own child sometimes too.

To add he's not wanting more time with his daughter to spite ex, and I totally understand how it can be unfair for the dads when they have to leave the family home and kids.

I suppose I have been listening to others who think I should enjoy my life mow my kids are older and not get involved with a man with a child every weekend. Tbh I miss my kids when their not around, miss the younger years too. He's ex was not happy that he introduced her daughter to me, I think he feels comfortable with me enough to go for every weekend. He's little girl and I get on very well.

Thank you to those who have given advice and not been aggressive. I'm not a troll.

Was simply looking for all views and not just those of friends and family who seem to think dating men with children is baggage, no child is baggage in my opinion.

I did think that it might be unfair to his ex to miss out on weekends with daughter as week days are so busy with day to day school routines and she has two other children with separate fathers, one of which gets his son every weekend.

We are very involved, met each others families and my kids think he's great. My ex was totally ok with my new partner meeting our kids because he knows I am very particular about this sort of thing and have been single for over a year.

I think being a bit selfish is something we can all admit to being sometimes.

Have you actually read the replies op?!

Nobody is saying "don't date a man with kids". What we are saying is

• he's not your partner. You are dating him
• it's too early to introduce kids - yours or his
• he's waving more flags at you than I care to mention
• you need to calm the actual fuck down

"I thought it only fair my ex gets as much quality time with kids as he can."

So all the adults in these kids lives are focussed on the needs of the adults? At no point have you mentioned anyone considering what might be best for any of the children involved!!

"Why is he even introducing his kid to someone he's known for 8 weeks? And you are sleeping over when she's there? Not appropriate." I somehow missed that this is happening. DEFINITELY inappropriate! And possibly why the ex is being a "pita".

I wouldn't let my dd meet ex's new gf for 6 months and court backed me up (2 separate judges too).