Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend.

He sounds like a bullying twat. Get out now.

When you have DC and/or SDC, child free weekends are a very rare luxury that you cannot bank on having ever.

Mylovely, Thanks for advice. I wasn't rushing things or at least not intentionally but now thinking about it I'm more anxious that him having his daughter every weekend is too quick for me involvement wise. I can suggest he solely spends it with her until we are further down the line. My two children have only had a brief meeting as they are with their dad at the weekend.

My last relationship was not a mistake, was first love and I got pregnant after only four month into relationship.Two great kids and it lasted 13 yrs so the rules don't always apply to rushing in. We just grew apart and had a mutual split and easy divorce.

Nice to get a few non abusive replies :)

I went out with a guy for a few months and we went out once a fortnight. It was all we could manage with us both working full-time, me with the dc all week and him with his dc every other weekend.

We talked about introducing the children as it would make it easier to meet up. We accidentally on purpose bumped into each other with the dc at a play centre on one occasion.

As it happened, the relationship didn't last. But no harm done as our lives were not too entwined and the children were none the wiser.

So your question about can it work out with young children? Yes possibly but in time. You have to take things slowly.

You have to decide what you want. He's already decided what he wants. He wants his child every weekend and he need not consult you in that decision. What he wants doesn't seem to work for you, and there's nothing wrong with that. It just remains to be seen whether or not you want to try to make things work, knowing that you will probably have little to no child free time with him and that you'll just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. He's made his position clear and you'd have no right to complain about it.

Personally, I made a decision when I was a singleton that I would not date a man with children. I was young and carefree and didn't want the hassle. It was the right decision for me. My son has actually made the same decision, and has chosen not to see a girl who has a child for that very reason. In a way it's a shame, she's a very nice girl, but she must put her child first and DS (who's only 26) wants someone who isn't 'tied down'. His loss, but also his decision.

You haven't had abuse. You've had the unvarnished truth.

My bf shares care of his kids with his exW entirely 50/50. Sometimes that stops us seeing each other. But even 2+ years in I wouldn't DREAM of telling him when to have / not have them. Because that's not my call.

I don't want to tell him what to do, I know I will have to make a choice on what I can live with myself.

I have been told not to date men with kids which I thought was silly as I have them myself. Its all new to me as my two are older, also I don't want to get involved with whatever troubles his ex gives him but I seem to be the reason she's got more difficult with access to his child and stepchild.

My two children are old enough to understand that relationships like friendships don't always work out. There's no.drama in my home and I my children have a close relationship with their dad.

OP: Am I being selfish?
Everyone: Yes you are.
OP: No I'm not!
Everyone: Yes you are.
OP: I'm being abused.

Fucking hell you have been around for a few weeks, I really think you need to mind your own business. What on earth does his relationship with his child and ex have to do with you?

I think if your in a relationship with a man who has a child then you have to expect that he will want to spend as much time with the child as he can. Maybe you are better off ditching him and finding someone who hasn't got children?

You are infatuated perhaps, but it's not a serious relationship after 8 weeks. It sounds like you would be much more compatible with someone with older children or no children.

My two children are old enough to understand that relationships like friendships don't always work out.

Older children can seem mature, but they are still children. Their brains and emotions are still developing. Be careful what you are modelling for them and what you are exposing them to. I wouldn't be so blasé, myself. I wouldn't want my DC to be the 21st century equivalent of children growing up with a lot of "uncles."

Well, obviously OP is U, and after 2 months is not a "partner" nor should she have any say about her boyfriends access to his child. Frankly the whole tone of the OP sounds nuts, and a bit desperate.
But, I have to say, it irritates me a bit on mumsnet when people demand that no one should introduce a boyfriend to their dc until after 6 months / a year/ never. I think it's fine for children to meet new people, and mine has met men I have been dating after a few weeks, I just don't make a big thing of it with a "this is my boyfriend" intro.
In the past any man in my life would sometimes be around, in the day, not overnight, or at ours for dinner, and it was no different to any other of my friends being over.
My current chap met ds after a few weeks of dating. We have had days out with ds several times, and he is at my house at least once a week but he has never stayed overnight.
Not all lone parents have a convenient every other weekend ex in the background, and I can't have a normal relationship with someone I only ever see after 9 PM at night, it wouldnt be real.
I think if you keep things casual in front of children, and you are the kind of parent who puts the dc first, and you have a strong bond, the chances of them falling apart because you break up with a man they quite enjoyed seeing once in a while isn't going to cause irreparable damage.
Sorry to derail, but not all single mums who date and have men in and out of their lives are jezza kyle style feckless man hungry loons.

"You don't introduce and confuse the kids first. That is wrong. It is stupid. It is selfish. It f*cks with their heads." Absolutely true. Seen it happen.

"Definitely going to take on board a lot of what's been said. I do need to discuss with him that things have been moving too quickly." Finally you're talking SOME sense!

"I have read text messages from him to her and she's been very nasty" repeat NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS plus you have NO IDEA what the background is!

"You are going to end up hurting a lot of people if you carry on like this." Including but not most importantly your own kids!

"With respect, you shouldn't be suggesting anything to regards to his daughter and who she spends time with.

Honestly, stay well out of it!" Several of us have now said this though and you STILL aren't getting it!

"You haven't had abuse. You've had the unvarnished truth."

You say your past relationship ended purely to growing apart and had an amicable split please apply that here and realise that a number of us know what its like to REALLY be abused! In addition your boyfriend isn't exactly behaving well to his ex and there could possibly be a background there of abuse so please don't bandy that word about.

"whatever troubles his ex gives him but I seem to be the reason she's got more difficult with access to his child and stepchild." Well he's not exactly a shining example himself is he? Wanting every weekend just to spite her?

I really think you need to take a step back until he gets his head straight. The focus really must be on what is best for the kids NOT the adults.

How irritating are you op?

You ask a question, everyone piles in with WTF?! You say, no, I didn't ask that question, I asked this question, batting away copious WTFs as irrelevant, or posters projecting their own experiences.

No, op, posters are posting wisdom and experience. Which you don't have.

Apart from anything else it's plain batty you are unsettled he wants his kids the same time your own ex has your kids. Had you not noticed that?

Then you believe the tosh about his ex/judge her, citing a few texts you've seen where she is not at her best. BUT he's introduced his new squeeze after only 2 months and she's not happy with that - rightly. PLUS he's throwing his weight around threatening legal action if she doesn't do what he wants. So far, so bully.

You sound a nightmare op. Your way is the best huh. All the experience on here counts for nothing it seems.

Well said springy!

My boyfriend spends every weekend with me, and my two under 8 are always here. They have an absent father. He doesn't have any of his own bio children though.

He's managing this for the last 3 years because we find ways to do 'family' stuff which also gives us time to sit and chat whilst they play and so on. It's just a sacrifice you have to make if you date someone with kids. I'd look into enjoying spending time with his daughter whilst you can, because he'll be judging you on your ability to be self sacrificing too I expect.

The only time we get kid free is on the very, very rare occassion my Mum will have them overnight - which averages about 3 times a year - or if I pay the babysitter nearly £40 to have them for 4 hours on a Fri or Sat night.
You can't fit a awful lot into 4 hours if you're travelling nearby or want dinner out and there's queues. But it's better than nothing.

Have you considered the reason his ex is being more 'difficult' since you have been on the scene is because you are spending time with her daughter when you should never have met her? Are involved in things that are absolutely none of your concern? Think that him having his daughter every weekend will ruin things for you? Because he's been a totally irresponsible idiot in all of the above (as have you) ? She is likely rightly concerned.

As for your kids being old enough to understand, seriously? You want to pass it off like that? Think about it...

Nobody has told you not to date someone with kids OP. They've just told you to get your head from out of your selfish arse and start putting your own and your "partner's" children first, not your "couple time"

OP you have known this guy for 56 days and you are calling him your partner!
Calm the heck down, take a step back and butt out of his relationship with his DD

lovelyfriend when you say it in days, the OP sounds even more pathetic for saying "partner" doesn't it?

OP its way too early. You can be in lust after 56 days....sure. But love ...no. You do sound a little bit desperate.

And i probably will get flamed for this but you come across as not liking other women very much....while being prepared to believe the word of anyone with a penis.

I think it is possible that hes doing this to spite the ex either conciously or sub conciously. And she is probably worried about how all the upheaval is going to affect her young child.

I know - 56 days sounds so pathetic I had to double check I had the sum correct with my 7yo

Op, I'm not going to flame you.

If I homeschooled two children all week, I'd be delighted they were seeing their dad at the weekend, for their sake, for his sake and for my sake. You get 5:2 ratio of their time.

I would also be reluctant to have a toddler every weekend on that basis, or even every other.

But the thing to do with that reluctance is to step back from the relationship.

Yes you're being selfish, but do you know what? You're allowed to be selfish in a new relationship! If it isn't working out for you, you can walk away without the problems that inevitably arise when you have been in a longer term relationship. So if this isn't working, I would say you should be even more selfish and call time on it, rather than trying to make it something that it isn't

How about asking your ex to have your kids more, then you'd have child free time.