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Original poster

Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

218 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 09:05

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

OP posts:
PatSharpIsMyBoyfriend · 05/09/2015 19:37

My advice if you are having these feelings is to get out now, while you have invested only a little emotionally. I am you over a year down the line. We have only a few hours together every Sunday, and the resentment is building rapidly. On the other hand I love him so much it would hurt to lose him. It is really not a nice situation to be in.

britneyspearscatsuit · 06/09/2015 00:19

I do like going to parties and getting drunk, yes, and that's something I missed out on, yes. But I am also talking about once in a while a night in a hotel together, once in a while dinner and drinks in a nice place with a buzz, once in a while getting glammed up.

As I said, we went out a handful of time because the only night he had child free where he was willing to spend time on ME was a Teusday...and we lived in a very rural area. A night out on a Teusday consisted of one of us not being able to drink so we could drive, dinner ina near empty restaurant with hardly anyone else there and a hefty babysiting bill for my DS. You do that a few times and think "hardly worth it" and you end up not going out.

If we take the snideyness out of that question; we're talking about weekends. Which is when most thing happen. Every single time you have a friends party, or a dinner, or a wedding, or a birthday you find yourself unable to go.

Or you could go, but it'd be in your own, and a fool like me would have felt "guilty" or "selfish" for doing that so I said "nevermind" and got on with it.

My point is really that it's ok to be a bit selfish. It's ok to have needs. It's ok to want to go out at the weekend if you're not 75. It's ok to sometimes want a night with your new boyfriend without his very young children.

I lived in a world where I didn't believe that and I disappeared and lost a bit of who I was in the process.

And yes..he was a cud...thanks springy...but everything in the OP sounded so much like him. All about what he wants.

I'd bet that if the OP ends things with him he will back down off the demands to have the kids every weekend. He'd soon lose interest in that idea if he found himself single and home alone with them every weekend. I think he's expecting her to stay with him.

Anyway, enough bickering. Agree to disagree. I personally think it is extremely selfish of any man or woman to want to have a relationship and make no time away from their children to allow for it.

SirChenjin · 06/09/2015 10:07

Probably best not to have children then, if you see them as getting in the way of your future (short) relationships.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 07/09/2015 09:01

Thanks for all advice. I decided in the end to not say anything regarding his daughter. But the issue for me was how angry and difficult he is after a drink, One minute he lives me and can't be without me. Then he gets over the tipping point of drunk and gets nasty. I spent all of yesterday with him and his daughter which was lovely, I didn't interfere ir get overly involved. But he does have issues which have surfaced after a drink, nice as pie otherwise but he's moody and angry when boozed up and tired.I have split from him now, he's too volatile for me. And I genuinely liked him, falling for him but I obviously have a shit radar for men. He seemed perfect to start off and now I feel an absolute idiot. Been dating for almost two years and I have ended up in a relationship with a bully, as all posters said.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 07/09/2015 09:05

Well done for ditching him, he sounded like big trouble. Maybe some time focusing on you would be a good idea. I would rule out dating for the next 6 months if I were you, and focus instead on taking care of myself

BerylStreep · 07/09/2015 09:10

OP, I am really relieved to hear this. Good for you for recognising his poor behaviour and not putting up with it.

I do wonder if it would do you good to stop dating completely for a while. Focus on you and friends. This really was too much, too soon, and even with your marriage, you said you were pregnant after 4 months, so it doesn't sound like you have any reference points for a slow and steady courtship.

shiteforbrains · 07/09/2015 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 07/09/2015 09:28

Shitforbrains, You must be a very high and mighty person from your posts. I am human and so I make mistakes, obviously you don't but like to give your pennies worth which is not helpful. I am a very open and kindhearted person and I own up to my mistakes.I don't want your sympathy or advice or slagging off so you can stop posting your advice thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 07/09/2015 09:37

Thanks lott and beryl, He presented himself as a really caring person but when he's had a drink he turns into someone else. He was being like it yesterday and i told him he's horrible when tired and drunk, I am very outspoken about things that piss me off. He apologised and said he was sorry blah blah. But I the seed of doubt was sown and as my mum said its too soon for that kind of bullshit. He kept saying I was moaning and he was getting so aggregated.

Yet apparently his ex was this and that, I think maybe his ex was putting up with a bully who wanted a ready made family. I seem to attract the fast burning type of men who declare love and devotion to soon.

OP posts:
Isetan · 07/09/2015 09:43

Actually Op, dumping him after his drunken abusive outbursts shows your shit man radar is working. However, your sensible adult/ parent radar that led you to introduce your children and being introduced to the child of a man you've know for eight weeks, is the one that needs looking at.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing but it didn't need to be employed here to expose your behaviour as irresponsible. You can not change behaviour you do not acknowledge and I don't get the impression that you understand how irresponsible you were, involving children in such a new (in the loosest possible term) relationship.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 09:51

I'd add to Isetan's very good advice, don't believe everything a new man tells you about his XP.

56 days does not a partner make.

Give yourself time to get to know someone and let the relationship develop before you start making a family of them. How they present themselves does not necessarily equal who they are. Let their business be their business.

Fast moving declarations of love are not a sign you have met Mr Right, but are major red flag warnings that something is wrong. As is a nasty drunk a red flag.

Some of us (me included) have warped radars when it comes to men/relationships. You've got some good advice here and can learn from it for the future.

You may not like to hear what shiteforbrains has said but nevertheless they have made some valid points.

happymummyone · 07/09/2015 09:53

I think you've made the right choice and you've obviously taken advice and not just ignored it. I was a single mum for 4 years so understand the frustrations of trying to find a man who is worth dating when you have kids. The right man will come along and when you find him neither of you will feel the need to rush things! Good luck

Jackie0 · 07/09/2015 10:03

Putting aside the fact that you hardly know him.
If he want to date you or anybody he needs to arrange a babysitter.
His child his responsibility.
I wouldn't date a man with children , especially young children , the woman always ends up looking after the kids .

LieselVonTwat · 07/09/2015 10:09

Sounds like you've acted for the best. You don't want someone who's acting the drunken bully this early on.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/09/2015 10:42

You've done the right thing in ending it. You really don't need that and none of the kids do!

Sadly, it's easy for our emotions and desires to put our radars off! Next time you date someone, please don't rush in like you did here - no meeting the kids until you've known each other longer, are steady and sure.

shiteforbrains · 07/09/2015 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/09/2015 13:39

shite does have a very good point op. I missed your post after you said you'd finished with him otherwise would've said something else earlier.

Do you see what we mean now? His daughter has had you playing families with her at weekends and now you are gone. Your kids have had time with him and now he is gone. Just like we said would happen.

Who do you think is most affected by these things? It's the kids. All your 'we're comfortable' rubbish clearly wasn't true either, was it. And the drink issue must've been present before this weekend, so you knew what he was like, yet you still went ahead and played 'happy' families.

Can you at least stop thinking about his drink and his ex and actually sit and think 'shit, I stuffed up because we've done this to children' ?

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 16:44

"However, your sensible adult/ parent radar that led you to introduce your children and being introduced to the child of a man you've know for eight weeks, is the one that needs looking at."

"You have consistently ignored advice given to you by hundreds of posters and still don't really seem to accept the gravity of what you have done and how unutterably ridiculous it is."

Shiteforbrains may be being v blunt but after 8 pages of posters ALL telling you that you involved your and his kids FAR too soon can you understand her frustration with you?

I agree you need to take a break from dating altogether, get your 'good man' radar refocussed and learn from this not to rush into things which you've admitted you do. It's one thing rushing in when you're going I think most have done that in at least one relationship, but when you have kids they HAVE to come first!

I was seeing someone last year until January. Lovely guy, but it fizzled out as I realised he wasn't ready to commit, bit of a peter pan. Dd knew and knows I date, but was never introduced to him as it lasted just under 6 months. It was hard enough for me to get over him as I really liked him. Would have been even harder if I'd had to deal with dd's missing him and the guilt of putting her through that too! And she's 14 !! I CERTAINLY wouldn't contemplate your scenario with much younger children. They don't understand romantic relationships and shouldn't have to deal with a stream of uncles/aunties running through their lives!

Baconyum · 07/09/2015 16:45

Argh I corrected and still its mis posted

It's one thing rushing in when you're young.

HelenaDove · 07/09/2015 17:43

gotta i remember you dating a similar bloke last Christmas. You had a thread on here. You seem all too ready to believe that a mans word is gospel. Your previous date was also in a blinding rush. Its always a red flag.

BerylStreep · 07/09/2015 19:17

Perhaps a break from dating altogether for a while might be an idea. A quick search of your username shows that you have been pretty active on OD in trying to find a new relationship. What's wrong with just being by yourself for a bit?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/09/2015 19:25

Heck, sorry I had to go and look too. You've had a pretty bad string of online dating, including carrying on with one when you appeared you wouldn't,one you asked for advice on,ignored, carried on and done another thread about (unless there were two love bombers in December?!)

Ok, so dating is not something I know much about, but blinking heck, you need to calm it down.

Your username now concerns me. After reading your threads and then looking at your name 'gottafindaman4yagirl' I'm concerned that you're incredibly desperate, which will give you a giant aura of 'any takers?pretty please have me' and are trying way too hard and taking anything you can get.

Enjoy being on your own for a bit

Atenco · 07/09/2015 19:41

Congratulations on dumping OP.

It is generally accepted on mumsnet that children should not be introduced to a new partner until six months have passed.

I am getting to be elderly now and I wish I had that kind of good advice when I was a young single mother who, because of not being able to afford a babysitter tried to date a man with my dd in tow. I ended up having to give the man up and gave up any hope of having another relationship as it affected her so badly.

springydaffs · 07/09/2015 20:04

Oh well done for dumping! Phew, that's a relief. I applaud you for your honesty, too Flowers

Jolly good show - but yeah, don't be in such a hurry to get a man. As others are saying, your blind rush is attracting the dross. If they're in a rush that's bad enough but if you're in a rush too: disaster. For your/their kids. Not to mention you.

What do you think is behind the rush you are, or have been, in?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2015 21:59

I think you made the right decision. Now, take a break. Personally, I always took a break after a relationship ended. Well, I did once I learnt what a wise thing it is to do! Rushing from one relationship to another is always a recipe for disaster.

So relax. Concentrate on yourself, DD, and your family and friends. Suspend your online dating profiles (do you do that? I'm old and that's all before my time).

gottafind, have you ever spent time just on your own? Going places and doing this without being part of a 'couple'? You really should. I think it's really important to learn to be alone and happy. I have a cousin (divorced) who in the past seemed to be just unable to 'not have a man' and it caused her no end of unhappiness and her children no end of confusion. She's finally 'wised up' and is now enjoying life on her own with an occasional 'date' here and there without expecting it to turn into anything. You should try it.