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Original poster

Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

218 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 09:05

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 04/09/2015 10:24

Really?
You've been together two months, you say?
Sorry love, it's really none of your business how often he has his kid, although I'd feel very uncomfortable if my partner was threatening his ex with court to have their small child EVERY weekend? Actually, I'd probably Google 'the nearest set of hills' and run to them.

mummytime · 04/09/2015 10:25

You have been together two months!

You do not really know what he's like. Sorry but people can cover up all kinds of things for two months.

It is too soon for either of you to have introduced the other to your children.

Okay your DC see their father every weekend, that is unusual, but if it works for everyone that is okay.

Your new boyfriend calls his ex a PITA and wants to deprive her of the "fun" time with her DC, by having them every weekend. Maybe you should look more carefully at this - this is exactly how he will try to treat you if you ever split. He will try to punish you. Has he at any point thought what is best for his DC?

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 10:28

He's not after every weekend to be spiteful, he really does care for his daughter. I totally feel its unfair that dads don't get as much time with their children when a split happens. He was also a stepdad to her daughter and she called him dad but once his ex found out he was seeing another women she wouldn't let him see her ir let her call him dad and he gives her maintenance for his stepdaughter too. I think that's her way of being spiteful and he raised that girl for two years. She deliberately got a childminder instead if allowing him to.have their child even though he asked her to let him have her. I have met all his family and they all paint the same picture of his ex. I can see she's using his love for the kids against him and its not right, I wouldn't deny my ex his kids if I felt we both had a fair share if time with kids.

I homeschool my two kids, one is autistic and my ex wants his children every weekend which I feel is fair as I see my kids daily. My kids miss their dad daily and I wanted my kids to see as much of their dad as was possible while their still young.

And next, My kids like him and my ex was totally ok with them meeting him because he knows I am very particular about it.

He met my parents and family first before my kids.

I was looking for advice from people who have entered into a new relationship and have had new partners children every weekend, can it work?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 04/09/2015 10:29

there are red flags here all over the place. You should jot be in such a serious relationship woth someone after so little time. This isnt love as you cannot possibly know each other. Wanting his children every other weekend is somethinghe can of course ask for, but there is nonway it is reasonable if both parents dont agree. When does their mother have quality time? The issue is not him asking, it is his entitledness and bullying threat of legal
Action and forcing it, despite the consequences for the children and other adults involved.

noiwontstoptalking · 04/09/2015 10:29

OP, it's not selfish to say 'this relationship isn't for me because I want to maintain child free weekends'

It is selfish to say 'don't have your dd every weekend, aren't I important enough to prioritise over her'.

To be honest, you've only known him, 8 weeks. It's nothing. He shouldn't be making any decisions based in your preferences let alone big, life decisions about his DD's welfare

CalleighDoodle · 04/09/2015 10:30

He also cheated on his ex? You dont sound very particular at all.

Coolforthesummer · 04/09/2015 10:32

I also think it's far too much too soon. You barely know him yet you have met each other's children and families and 'adore' his daughter already.

Having said that, I am a single parent with young children and have found it impossible to have a relationship with a 'weekend dad.' When I'm free at weekends, they've got their kids! It's a non-starter. Especially in the early stages when you're just meeting up to see how you get on.

shiteforbrains · 04/09/2015 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 10:34

Of course his friends and family are going to slag the ex to you!!

You've absolutely NO PROOF of what she's really like, what kind of husband he was, if he's really paying maintenance (my ex claimed this to his new partner he wasn't and when she found out she was not happy!). I wouldn't even claim to know a platonic friend that well in 2 months! Let alone someone who has a increased interest in looking like a 'good person' to me!

Particular? You barely know him!

SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2015 10:41

You sound immature, deluded and desperate. You are rushing into a relationship with a man who is almost certainly a selfish bully with a family who have brought him up to think he's King Cock, presumably just because you don't want to be single.
What broke up your marriage? If your XH was abusive, then perhaps you just don't know what a decent man looks like and have been drawn to this new arsehole because he 'feels' familiar.

Lurkedforever1 · 04/09/2015 10:44

You're being selfish. I have my dd 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, unless I arrange childcare of some form. Any man not ok with that could fuck right off.
My best friends mum isn't actually her mum. Hers died in childbirth, leaving her and young siblings and dad. The person she calls mum took them all on when she herself was an early 20's party animal. They are one of the happiest couples I know, and definitely fall into the parenting role model category for me. The

Threefishys · 04/09/2015 10:53

Not selfish for wanting child free time which you get . Selfish for even contemplating that time spent with you can be equated to time spent with his dd. If you stick with this relationship you will be resentful and end up being the nasty ass step mum who treats the child like a her dp's other woman. You will. You will. You will. It plays out everyday in thousands of hastily blended 'families' just like yours.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/09/2015 10:57

Yes you are being selfish. His daughter comes first! If he wants her every weekend it's nothing to do with you. It probably didn't even cross his mind to think about you in his decision, why would it?

You are also being very daft and sound incredibly immature. Why the heck are you playing families with his young daughter? You've been dating for two months. What on earth were you both thinking? Of course his ex wasn't happy about you meeting her daughter, she's thinking of the fact her daughter doesn't get proper alone time with her daddy and the imminent future - a future where her daughter will have dads various girlfriends yo-yoing in and out of her life, forming relationships with them, losing them and being confused,never mind being given strange ideas on relationships!

How much time have you spent with this man? Two months after meeting each other online and you're already playing families at the weekends with his very young daughter?Stupid and irresponsible.

fairyfeatures · 04/09/2015 11:13

Bit out of practice you need to calm the actual fuck down

I wish MN had an iphone crying laughing emoji face. Fantastically put!

I am surpised at the immaturity of OP considering she seems to be older with teen children. Sounds like an 18 yo trying to play happy families with an older boyfriend who already has a kid.

I adore his daughter - if you adored someone, you would want to see them as much as possible, doesn't sound very adoring. And this is pathetic btw, you cant even adore him in 2 months, let alone somebody you shouldn't have even met yet.

Bizarre scenario.

Wewereneverbeingboring · 04/09/2015 11:16

I think you've contradicted yourself a bit. You're adamant your new partner wants to see his daughter (and vice versa) for the right reasons, yet you don't want him to because of its effect on you as a couple. If that's genuinely the case then his daughter should come first and you should find someone whose commitments fit in with your expectations.

Fwiw my own DH used to have his kids every week Thu-Sun and it very nearly killed our relationship. We now alternate between Thu-Fri one week and Thu-Sun the next. Before anyone flames me the DC really appreciate having weekend time with their mum too so they are much happier now as well.

LadyBlaBlah · 04/09/2015 11:19

This sort of thread terrifies me

No need to wonder why the relationships board is so full of awful stories

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 04/09/2015 11:20

You are being incredibly selfish.

you've been together EIGHT WEEKS.

The fact you're claiming to both be "in love" and "head over heels" after 8 weeks suggests you're both quite young. I'm actually laughing as I type this. It's ludicrous.

The best thing you can do is say "Of course you want to see your daughter as often as possible. I'm right behind you. In addition, you need to see her on her own, because we have only been seeing each other for EIGHT WEEKS and it is far too early for me even to have met her, let alone encroaching on her precious time with her dad".

Get a grip the pair of you. FGS.

chrome100 · 04/09/2015 11:21

I would hate to be with a partner who has his kid every weekend. But then I think a parent should see their child as much as they can. So he SHOULD have his DD every weekend and if you are not happy, you shouldn't be with someone who already has a child. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, nice man or not.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 11:25

Call, he was not cheating. After a year split from his ex he was I was the women he was seeing and his ex was not happy about this so stopped him seeing stepdaughter.

OP posts:
Ilikefrogs · 04/09/2015 11:27

You sound unreasonable to me.
You've not been with him for long.
But then, I'm also getting alarm bells about him: Ex is completely unreasonable, he's angry with her so is demanding he has custody of his DD every weekend?
That doesn't necessarily sound like a doting dad to me, rather someone who has his own agenda.
But then maybe I'm a tad cynical.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 04/09/2015 11:28

Tbf, if I were him I wouldn't touch the OP with a barge pole.

Just trying to imagine a reverse scenario where I've been dating someone for a few weeks and he starts moaning about me seeing my kids too often. He'd be out the door quick smart - however "head over heels" he was Hmm

featherandblack · 04/09/2015 11:34

It is a double standard Hmm

Your ex gets to see his children every weekend. Four weekends a month.
Your partner gets to see his child every other weekend. Two weekends a month.

You support one, but not the other.

That's a double standard. Stop hiding behind the excuse that his partner doesn't want it either!

happymummyone · 04/09/2015 11:35

First of all you're rushing everything, you shouldn't have even introduced kids to new BF yet and yes you sound selfish, your ex has your children every weekend, so you do not want your weekends interrupted by his child to preserve the free time you've grown accustomed to. If you're serious about him, you need to be serious about his child too. You don't get to pick and choose. I say step away and give him the chance to be with someone who doesn't resent time spent with his DD.

featherandblack · 04/09/2015 11:37

Sorry, I should have said 'you support one parent getting four weekends a month, but not the other'. In doing so, you're supporting your kids getting to see their dad frequently (because you care about them) but you're planning to make it difficult for your 'step daughter' to see her dad frequently (because you care about you). Whether you home school or not, or whether your son is autistic or not, has nothing to do with it.

jesy · 04/09/2015 11:39

I used to have a similar problem but I just learnt to accept her , even our first night together she slept In the bed with us lol

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