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Original poster

Am i being selfish, is he? New partner wants his daughter every weekend so we'll have no time alone

218 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 04/09/2015 09:05

Advice please, have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months. I have two kids with ex and they stay with him every weekend. New partner has a daughter under two he has every other weekend. He's ex is very difficult, I would say she's a pain in the arse.

Anyway, He's angry with ex and is demanding that he gets his daughter every weekend. He's ex is not keen, he's threatening legal action, mediation. I'm just thinking that so far we have had every other weekend alone to spend child free. My two kids are 12&13 so I have been the parent that's in at the weekends with the occasional night of when they were young.

He hasn't even thought that having his daughter every weekend is totally changing the dynamics of our relationship or even asked how I will feel about us having his daughter every weekend. Maybe I'm just not that important and of course I expect him to put her first.

This guy has said he loves me and is he's head over heels for me, I feel the same. Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice, I'm pleased to see he is a caring dad. But having a small demanding child, for any couple, means you don't get much time together, he has to sleep with his daughter at night when she wakes crying.

My question is, am I being selfish to feel uneasy about starting the relationship one way and then being told its going to change. I don't think I'm ready to go from having childfree time to having no time alone.

I want to discuss I with him without sounding like I don't want his daughter about. I just can't see how its going to help our relationship if we have a small child around and no time alone.

I have my kids mon-Fri so in the week their about, he has his daughter every sunday too.

Feel like he's making changes to benefit him and I'm just a spare part.

OP posts:
whisperingeye1 · 04/09/2015 21:34

I have to say that when my ex decided to introduce his new gf to our dd after a short period of time I was furious. It did not help that his new gf was also involving herself in things. It inevitably broke down and was upsetting to my dd. I'm sure that he was telling her how unreasonable I was when the fact was that he was just inappropriate. At present you both have child free time so there is actually no need to involve your children tbh.
I understand that when you first start dating someone that you want them to be involved in every aspect of your life but you really have to question what is best for the children involved. I hope that you listen to the other posters and see that they are actually sharing a wealth of experience. Whilst it may not be the response that you were looking for, the overwhelming advice you have had is to keep out of things with his ex and protect all the children involved.

iloverunning36 · 04/09/2015 22:27

As the mother of a 1.5 year old who goes to his (verbally, emotionally and financially abusive) father every week I would strongly advise to proceed with caution. I too come across as a "pain in the arse" when it comes to my child's welfare and having people in and out of his life. I have lived with, had a child with and know my ex and I know what he is like at the lovebombing stage. He swept me off my feet with early declarations of being head over heels and also referred to his ex in negative terms. Do you know what the circumstances of their break-up were? The time line for them having a child, splitting and him being head over heels doesn't sound very nice for his ex tbh (and at your stage of this I also wouldn't have wanted to listen to honesty-I was too much enjoying the heady in love feelings and the end of my loneliness)

SurlyCue · 04/09/2015 22:36

have Been dating a man i met online for just over two months

Last weekend we had his daughter and it was nice

Wtaf? Hmm

I am so sick of these threads. A bunch of selfish immature idiots putting a 2 day/week/month "relationship" above that of any of the children involved and of course the ex is a nightmare Hmm

Grow up.

NewLife4Me · 04/09/2015 22:41

I agree with SurlyCue

Isn't it advisable for obvious reasons to wait a year before involving children in a new relationship?
All these kids can't know if they're coming or going.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 22:46

"I am so sick of these threads. A bunch of selfish immature idiots putting a 2 day/week/month "relationship" above that of any of the children involved and of course the ex is a nightmare hmm

Grow up."

Ditto here

Intheprocess · 04/09/2015 22:59

we both agreed that before we got too involved it was Best to see if our children liked us. Because if it was a case of kids being unhappy then we wouldn't carry on seeing each other

As a former young child of separated parents I couldn't agree with this more.

Intheprocess · 04/09/2015 23:03

But 2 months isn't a relationship.

Rarity08 · 04/09/2015 23:07

I feel sorry for the little girl in the middle of all this.

Sallystyle · 04/09/2015 23:21

Can I gently point out that they're = they are? It is not their when you mean they are.

I don't normally mention grammar as I am crap at it but as you HS I thought you might want to know.

As for the rest, well you have moved fast. I did too but my now husband would never have thought he had any right to have an opinion on what I did with my children and contact. So yes, you are being selfish and the relationship seems doomed.

NewLife4Me · 04/09/2015 23:30

U2

Do you mean my post? Yes, I meant they are.
Thanks for pointing out the difference though, I'm also crap but like to be corrected.
We don't H.ed anymore either.

OP, give your relationship some time and keep the dc out of it for a bit.
If all goes well you can soon be one big happy family.

Sallystyle · 04/09/2015 23:31

No no no.

Not you. The OP.

NewLife4Me · 04/09/2015 23:32

Sorry u2
Have read the OP again and think you must mean her "their", very confusing Grin

Sallystyle · 04/09/2015 23:33

Plus you used it right Grin

Like I said, i'm pretty crap at grammar myself. I really struggle with it. But the OP has made the mistake a few times so thought she might like to know.

Sallystyle · 04/09/2015 23:33

Yes Grin

Lovehandles · 04/09/2015 23:36

I think that 2 months in is very early in the relationship to be dictating when he can and can't see his daughter. She's so young and even seeing her dad once every week is not much never mind once every two weeks. He should and will put his child first

MissBattleaxe · 04/09/2015 23:42

I've just cottoned in to the fact that you met him online OP. I'm not saying that's wrong in itself but it's not a good foundation for a meet the kids scenario within 8 Weeks

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/09/2015 23:53

Run. Run as fast as you can. Away from him. Now.

britneyspearscatsuit · 05/09/2015 00:43

I'm not going to read all the replies here but will say NO you are not being selfish.

I adored my ex and we had his kids every weekend. He was a great Dad and I loved him to bits (also loved his kids) and I was happy to give up time together.

In the end, we never went out (I mean we went out 2 - 3 times year) because we always had young kids, I gave up going to events with my friends, I ended up pretty insulated and miserable and after years together he left me and never let me see step kids again.

And believe me, he WAs head over heels for me too, but everything was really deep down about him. He was happy to let me sacrifice for him because he was selfish.

At the end of the day we would hve had a good chance as a couple if we'd have had socialising time, time alone. Instead I jumped right into playing Mummy and we were in love but never got that time,

If you are both parents of the kids it is easier. One weekend a month you get a babysitter, you get family to have them and you scrape together that time alone. As a step family it's impossible to have them and go out (he will feel too guilty) and before you know it you will have no life.

What he is asking is selfish.

You need one weekend a month of time for you.

Also insist he spends one week of his holiday on you too.

I also agree it is a red flag that he is not considering your needs. I think probably like my ex he is madly in love with you, quite empotionally immature and selfish, adors his kids and has a fantasy where he gets to be a full time Dad of sorts - with you - his Princess - as his co parent giving him his happy fantasy.

I know...I have lived it. But it has fuck all to do with your needs anywhere in this.

He IS divorced

He is NOT a full time Dad.

you are NOT their Mum.

None of that is your fault, and being expected to give up so much is an outrage.

I did it...and regret it.

If you love him you will accept having his children half the time and you will be suppotive when they need to come first.

If he loves you he will accept that what he is asking is very seflish.

Here you are, writing this thread asking if you are beign selfish, and I promise you -YOU are the one being asked to sacrifice here and it will not have occured to him for ONE second is perhaps he is being selfish

britneyspearscatsuit · 05/09/2015 00:46

Oh and by the way...my ex...after he left me...changed his custody arrangeent with his ex wife to have a weekend off a month from his kids.

Why?

So he could get out and meet women

So the twat was not willing to volunteer that to get time with me, but was willing to do it when it meant he could not go out wth the lads once he was single.

I did the same as you and believd it to be great that he was such a good Dad, but not going out, not dating, not having the odd mini break away it REALLY affects the relationship and when it does - he will blame you, not himself.

fedupbutfine · 05/09/2015 08:46

look at it this way...why is it OK for you to have every weekend free to pursue a relationship but his ex isn't able to have that luxury because her ex is involved with you?

can you not see how unfair that is? I realise that's not what the mother wants but supposing she did? what would you say then?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/09/2015 08:48

Wtf? No Britney he is NOT being selfish and he should NOT be considering the op in this. His child comes first. The op, who he has been dating for 8 flipping weeks after meeting on the internet, has nothing to do with it and does not need considering. How on earth you and her think she should is beyond me. Grow up!

ElsieMc · 05/09/2015 09:04

I am at a loss to understand why children are spending every single weekend with the non resident parent. This in effect means one parent (and in this case his ex) is doing all the donkey work, the mundane, unrecognised tasks that come with having young children whilst he is enjoying free weekends with his child. This worries me because it sounds like she does not want this at all and this is really sad. You also mention that his dd is crying at night and she probably wants her mummy. Her behaviour is showing you clearly that this is too much for her at this young age.

I think he is trying to control matters with his ex, who is probably only a pain in the arse to quote you, because she will not do as she is told and is resisting his newly imposed contact arrangements. He now also has a girlfriend who does not want to spend time with her. He should not have introduced you to her yet.

Not a happy situation all round and it won't improve. You will probably get dragged in to court proceedings which tend to take over your life as I certainly wouldn't agree to the contact he wants. It also costs a fortune so not only will you be with a man whose mind is elsewhere, he will also have no money.

britneyspearscatsuit · 05/09/2015 09:10

Of course his children should come first. I have a child who comes first. But I would also never expect a new partner to come along and expect to have no time with me. Children coming first doesn't mean your partner doesn't exist. If he ALSO wants to prioritise a relationship with OP they need time alone.

I am not saying goes she should demand he run his schedule around her. No way. What she should do is calmly say if he wants to grow a relationship with her...that is alone time. He has to make that time.

She does not cease to exist because he has children.

I have a child who is the centre if my world and men I am dating have to come second

I am certainly not after eight weeks expecting then to play Daddy. That should come after a year.

He wants a relationship...he has to date OP first!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/09/2015 09:14

The op plays in that, she should not have introduced her own kids or spent time with his daughter. She has full choice in that! She certainly should not be expecting that he puts her above every weekend with his daughter!

britneyspearscatsuit · 05/09/2015 09:19

Thing is...you can't have every weekend with a toddler AND a new relationship. That's reality because expecting to have both is selfish to ex wife, selfish to new girlfriend and very selfish to the child. Ifor he wants to have both he had to make time for both separately.

OP sacrifices and she should just make sure she's not the only one doing it.

It's hard unless you've lived through it but it is very difficult to see how selfish the behavior is when it's presented under the guide of a man loving his child.

I love my child...so I sacrifice what is best for HIM when sometimes it's not what's best for me.