Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

Is that NHS?

NHS can be grindingly slow (terrible mh funding) - have you researched private hc? Yy expensive but, well, this is a crisis and if you have it...?

I've been thinking the Priory would offer a (medical) rest cure. They're well-used to patients tipping up in extremis. Do you have private hc through work?

Sorry to give palpitations...

Dave, do tell him/her. I've got to go with DH next week as things have become untenable. Changing meds is quite usual.

How was the fugitive sleep last night?

Springy, it is NHS yes. No private HC through work, but the need is there so I can find a way.

Iron, I got no figurative sleep last night at all. The last two nights have been zero-sleep. One with 7.5mg zopiclone and one without. One with a latish dose of propranalol and one with the last dose at 6pm. Both played out exactly the same.

I'd happily sleep in a supermarket trolley if someone told me it would help.

Hmmm. Tell Dr.

Have just bought DS soothing oil to put on pillowto help him. Lavender and hop, from the hop farm, lulling stone Kent. V soothing and he finds it helpful. Can you get some or an equivalent? Sounds a bit woo but you never know.

Last night I slept reasonably well, from about half one through to 8am. I did wake at 5am but I don't recall seeing the clock after that so I must have got off again reasonably quickly - which is not usual at the moment. It could be an actual improvement, or it could just be because I got no real sleep the previous two nights and was just so tired bordering on exhausted again. Either way I feel terrible this morning, like when you've overslept and made yourself tired again. I'm yawning today though - I'm keeping my fingers crossed that means I will be able to get an early night tonight. Maybe even before midnight, so I can actually go to sleep on one day and wake up on a different day!

After speaking to my doctor I have come off the zopiclone and moved onto anti-depressants and something for sleep which looks identical to nytol to me but a different brand. It's non-addictive so I don't need to worry about taking them every night so that anxiety is at least removed. Nytol didn't really seem to work for me but that was a few weeks ago now and anti-histamines might work for me now. I think from the leaflet they are more to help with the relaxation/shutting down in preparation for sleep, rather than actually inducing it, which I feel is the part I am struggling with. She still wants me to take the propranalol and not come off of that yet.

I'm not exactly pleased to be on the anti-depressants, but I trust my doctor's judgement more than my own. I'm definitely not looking forward to the side effects for the first couple of weeks.

Regarding the priory-type care I've researched it and I'm going to wait till my appointment with the anxiety and depression people next Monday before doing anything. For two reasons: it will give me a chance to see if my sleep improves with the new meds and also because I want to see what they can offer me. Please do keep offering up the suggestions because every option is good to have. I'll walk down the town again later to give me something to do and will have a look for some lavender.

Wow. Last night I went to bed at 10:30pm, was asleep just after 11pm and did not first wake up until 5am (6 hours in one go), and then reslept from 5am through till 10am (another 5 hours). Two 'propper' sleeps in one night, and spanning a date change too!

That's two nights in a row now with some more reasonable periods of sleep. I wonder if I'll get a third? I'm mindful that both followed a few days with basically no sleep at all, but am trying to keep positive thoughts...

A difference for these last two nights is that I have not been worried about taking (or not taking) a sedative tablet, because I've not had them to take. It might be coincidence, I don't know. Last night was my first with the new anti-histamine tablets which may have helped with falling asleep so quickly.

The ad tablets make my mouth dry out every 15 minutes. Uck. Apart from that I don't think I've had any other side effects yet, but it's only been a day.

Apart from the sleeping the day yesterday was much the same as the week before. I am still finding it very hard to stay focused and concentrate on something that needs a lot of mental attention like reading a news website or checking my bank statement and trying to recall the transactions. I am still very slow, such as moving my eyes around and fine motor movements. I can do them ok, but it feels laggy. I was told the beta blockers can have that effect so I think that is down to the meds.

I ate a sub roll thingy for dinner yesterday. Still only one meal a day, but I'm drinking normal levels and I'm forcing myself to eat at a regular time each evening to get into the routine.

Great news

The slow reaction times/concentration are probably lack of sleep? As concert musicians take beta blockers I doubt it makes them sluggish!

Well that's some good sleeps under your belt - brilliant. I also got into natural remedies for a time - Valerian, hops etc, usually in a preparation (like Kalms!). I remember a homeopathic (?) sleep preparation by Nelsons that was my go-to for a long time. I basically shoveled every possible natural sedative/food down my throat.

ADs do their job over time, I am a big fan (and I do everything naturally if possible) but, as you say, the bedding-in period can be challenging. I hope it's relatively straightforward for you Dave.

Have you thought of acupuncture/pressure? Gets things in balance at a core level - it's surprising how effective it is. Or even massage is good - I had one massage where I literally dribbled I was so zonked out (that's put you off!) The water tank is also wonderful if you can face that now.

Good to hear from you Dave.

Have you cried?

Good news for two nights, hope this one goes well but even if it doesn't your body will gave had just a little time to recharge.

Well done on bring disciplined on the hydration.

Disapointingly last night I didn't sleep at all. Exactly the same routine as the night before, but I just could not fall off. Hmmmf.

There have been no bursts of crying or feeling sad for over a week now.

Yesterday I ate at the normal time and noticed that I still felt really hungry. As it was a full meal of food I held off snacking and persevered without. This morning I woke hungry so I had a couple of ceral bars but still feel like I've not eaten anything at all. One of the common side effecs of the ADs is weight gain according to the leaflet. Is that by stopping you feeling full after eating?

Something has definitely happened with my appetite. I've had about twice my normal amount of food today and I feel like I've not eaten anything. I'm drinking more water to try and keep the hunger sated. I'm going to have to start writing down what I do have to make sure I don't over eat. Surely the ADs wont have that effect after only two days?

I've started craving certain foods too. Particularly eggs. Omlettes, boiled eggs and toast, even picked eggs. I feel I could munch through a box of 12 right now.

First, sorry you didn't sleep. But don't forget the old rhyme

Nature takes five
Custom takes seven
Sloth takes nine
And wickedness eleven.

So if you were resting and slept well before, don't worry too much. The more you worry about sleep the more fugitive it becomes.

Next, good for you, eating. Don't worry about putting weight on at the moment unless you have a weight problem. But if you are worried, and you don't have an issue,it shows you are beginning to think normally again.

I don't honestly know the answer to your question. I do know some Ads have the reverse effect though.

It's probably your body telling you you have been half starved and need more protein. For a grown non dieting man what you were eating was ludicrous unless you are tiny.

Just don't worry and don't eat junk!

Now you need to find something to think about outside yourself and something to do for other people. Sounds Victorian but research suggests it's part of the best way to heal. Even if you can only face the ironing at the moment...

I have to agree that you're very hungry bcs you are, well, very hungry. You've eaten very little for a month (is it?) and your body is telling you what it needs. Go with it.

Broadly, ADs get the (normal, everyday) feelgood brain chemicals firing again that have fallen nto inaction bcs of eg sustained adrenalin pumping through the body. It's the fight/flight mechanism that floods the body with adrenalin to face the threat, at the same time turning off the feelgood chemicals to keep us pin sharp to face the threat. Too much of that for too long and the feelgoods switch off (more or less). ADs get them going again. I don't know if they work in this way within 2 days?

One way you can control the adrenalin response is to make sure your breathing is deep - shallow, quick breathing looks too much to the adrenals that there is a threat approaching and they swing into action. Deep breathing (when you think of it) also oxygenates your brain so you can think straight, therefore calmly. Be mindful of how you are breathing - if you notice your breathing is shallow, take one deep breath/sigh, down to your stomach (not your shoulders).. This usually resets things but you may find you have to do this often before your body learns the habit.

Sorry about the essay but I'm an old hand at this stuff bcs of numerous very difficult experiences in my life. I've been around the block with a lot of things/techniques and the above I consider bedrock info and skills to withstand life's onslaughts should they arise.

Go with what your body is telling you. You could use the weight and, anyway, at the moment your mental health is your top priority. Ime of big weight gain due to (old style) ADs, my weight stabilised - went back to normal - when I finished the course.

Sorry last night was pants Dave. I hope tonight is better.

Time for an update!

My sleep has improved marginally in that I am getting off to sleep about 2 hours earlier now than last week. Duration has improved by the same which is making a huge difference to how worn out I feel during the day. Although I still feel very tired I have more energy now than I have for weeks and weeks. I am finding the new tablets to make me sleepy are working much better than the zopiclone. On some nights I don't fall asleep soon enough and start to wake up again so I just take another which has so far always done the job. It is a relief knowing that I can take as many as I need without worrying that they are harming me (within reason).

I've been practising breathing, not just at night but during the day too. Slow, deep breaths. The dry mouth from the ADs is still there, but no other side effects that I've noticed. I felt like reading a book on Saturday and tried but kept losing my concentration and having to reread the same paragraphs a few times to understand them. I'm treating that as a positive because I've not wanted to read a book for a while now.

My diet is still screwed up. I get hungry some days by late afternoon but not every day. Sunday I didn't get hungry at all and completely forgot to eat. Monday and today I have eaten normal-sized meals but still feel hungry. My appetite is all over the place. I'm still drinking ok though.

I had my first appointment with the local NHS depression and anxiety service yesterday, and a follow-up this afternoon. I scored very high on both the depression and anxiety scales they use. (Which can also indicate stress as well.) I'm going back next week to start a directed self-help process. I don't know too much about what to expect from that yet, but I'm going to give it a try.

In the daytime I have been trying to keep occupied by doing things rather than distracting myself with video games. I've played games very little for about five days now. I've done some simple things - mowing the lawn, picking up the windfall fruit to stop it rotting, vacuuming the house, a bit of dusting, etc. I'm trying to build a more normal daily routine. I still have periods of sitting and not knowing what to do with myself every day. It can get very frustrating. I'd say I've moved from living 30 minute intervals to 1-2 hours at a time.

Progress. Slowly.

Good to hear:)

Dave, well done.

Little baby steps.

Some days will be better than others, but when you feel down reread this thread, or this bit of it, and remind yourself of the progress you have made.

Yes things are slowly but surely evening out. So glad to hear it, Dave.

Re eating - do eat when you're hungry. All rules are out the window in crisis mode - eat as much as you feel the need on hungry days. Well, apart from simple carbs, not too much of those. Though I can talk the talk... they do make you feel shit physically and especially emotionally over time.

When twiddling your thumbs after chores - yay, well done - watch a film on TV? Stories connect us with the human experience, however obliquely. All stories. Reading a chapter over and over is anyway like meditation - also, those words were finally crafted, it could have taken the author a week to get that chapter how s/he wanted it.

Talking of which, I find children's books do the trick during times of crisis. Also Disney films.

Well done Dave. Pleased to hear from you and that things are gradually improving

Springy is amazing! I heart you springy. Your advice on here is priceless

Wow. Thank you Quite! I heart you back! You gorgeous thing you

It was my birthday over the weekend. I ate half a very rich chocolate cake. That was at least half more than I should have eaten, but I figure one slip up won't hurt.

I've seen my doctor today for (hopefully) the last time for a couple of months until I am ready to come off the ADs. I feel that my sleep, whilst still shifted forward by four hours, is now day-on-day getting very close to the amount I need to recover from each day (a min of 4h on a 'bad' night and max of 9h on a 'good' night, averaging in the middle). That has helped tremendously with my general concentration and I have been spending more time doing actual useful tasks and no time at all in the last five days just trying to distract/occupy myself. I've even been watching a few random programs on iPlayer this last week. I've vacuumed the house twice. In the same week! Normally I vacuum once every two months! (To be fair I did sweep the floors once a week .)

Sadly the sleep does appear to need the tablets to get me drowsy still (possibly because I am trying to start sleeping earlier than my body is used to?) but for now I'll take that downside just to get the rest. I'm typically off by around midnight to 1am now.

My eating is still all over the place both with quantity and timing, but I'm happy I'm getting enough of the right things to eat and drink so I am trying not to be too concerned about it. Once my daily routine is more organised hopefully my diet will fall back into place.

I am phasing out the beta blockers. I'm down to just one each morning for the last two days, and am aiming to be off them completely by Wednesday. I think there is a correlation between phasing off of them and the improvement in my daytime concentration.

I have a followup meeting with the depression and anxiety service this afternoon. It's the first week of the guided self-help scheme which is based around CBT. I'm not sure what to expect from that yet, but I'm going to give it a try. They gave me a flyer about good and bad sleep techniques last week and, depressingly, I am already doing all of the good things and none of the bad.

I will speak to my line manager after that and make a plan for my return to work. In agreement with my doctor I'm going to ask for a couple of half days this week, working from home, and if I am coping ok with the concentration needed I can move onto full days from next week, and hopefully get back in the office again by the end of the week. Psychologically I would like to have been back to the office at least once by the two month 'aniversary' of my ex running off, which is two weeks today by calendar date.

That week and a bit gives me time to try driving again and check I feel safe enough for a 1h 30m commute to work.

Thanks so much for the encouragement these past six weeks. It has been tremendously helpful to have some extra input that isn't just my friends telling me my ex is a four letter word. I can't emphasise that enough. I probably wouldn't have got to see my doctor so early if you hadn't helped me sort it out and might not even be here still with the hiccups along the way. Sometimes just knowing that whilst yes you feel shit it is at least normal to and not to worry about that is the most valuable advice. For me, knowing how I might be feeling tomorrow or in a couple of weeks has been useful to let me prepare for it and avoid getting hit for six a second time.

It sounds like I'm signing off here but I'm not done yet! I'll be back in a few days to report how I'm getting on.

and
(But not more chocolate cake. I am off that until at least next year!

So... sleep is still hard, but I am falling asleep more quickly. I'm taking the meds for sleeping still and need to judge when the tiredness starts so I can get into bed quickly to take advantage of it. If I get it right I'll be asleep within 20 minutes. If I get into bed too early I seem to miss it. Frustrating, but I can read how it's working now so I can work with it. It's part of my sleep help programme, and so far the results are looking good!

Eating is still erratic but I'm not concerned about it.

The big news is work. I did a couple of half days this week with no real problem, and I am going to start full time from home next Monday with the aim of hopefully getting back in the office the week after. I'm a bit nervous about making an appearance after basically two months, but

My updates over the last 3-4 weeks have been very light on mentioning my ex partner. That is primarily because I've not really been thinking about what happened that much. I've not been feeling angry or sad - just not thinking about it. I've found that as I've been occupying myself with more and more tasks I've had less time to be "alone". There will be times when I do think about him but usually in the context of something that he would do pops up, or I have find something that reminds me. Nothing that has really "dwelled".

Glad to hear your update Dave. It sounds like you are coping better and better. Really positive to get back to work. Well done

I feel (hope) work will be a game changer in bringing my routine back to more normal times (sleeping, eating, etc). At the very least the half days this week have been fantastic in giving me a chance to start concentrating again after so many weeks of struggling to even read simple paragraphs in one go. I am now fully off the beta blockers and rarely feel the effects. (At most for a few minutes each day, but totally managable.)

I've just read your thread, and you are doing so well. And so much resonates with me.

My ex just up and left two years ago, it was a complete and utter shock. I didn't know why, or where he went, or anything. He just disappeared. In time it got easier and I found things to fill my time, I eventually realised that him doing that was the best thing he ever did for me (whole different thread there).

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually a new kind of normal happens and it's worth it.

Be kind to yourself