Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

How has today been? Thinking of you!

Thank you both.

My friend picked me up this morning and took me to their house for the day. We went out to the supermarket after their lunch (I didn't eat) and I felt like a complete idiot as I had to leave for some air again. It just started feeling so claustrophobic - my heart rate went through the roof and I was having trouble getting enough oxygen in. I couldn't cry as we had walked down and I had no car to hide in but I felt like I was going to break out. It's so stupid, but by the time I get to a certain point in the shop it hit me just like the other day and I couldn't control it. I am truly terrified of the next grocery shop, to the point I'm considering using a home delivery service to avoid it.

When we got back to their house I excused myself for a walk to try and walk it off. I ended up just walking and walking and walking for about 15 miles. I think I mentioned in my opening post that I had lived through depression myself for many years. Well one of the techniques I learnt was to "figuratively" stand on the edge of a motorway bridge and remind myself all the reasons I had not to jump off. I say figuratively because I didn't actually climb over the barrier - it was enough to stand next to it and watch the cars speed past knowing that I could. Sadly, perhaps not surprisingly for those who have faced similar times, my main reason was still caring for my lost partner and not being able to put them through the pain of that despite what had been done to me. I did have other reasons too. I care deeply about my friends, and I respect my parents too much to put them through that as well. I lied to myself and told myself that one reason was that I still wanted to do so many things with my life. I think it was probably true before, but I honestly don't have that drive at the moment; only bleakness. I could also never die with the guilt of using innocent people as a tool to do it.

(I don't think I am actually suicidal, so please don't be concerned if that last paragraph alarms you. I use it as a shock technique to clear my focus. If in complete honestly I couldn't find any reasons not to jump I guess I probably would, but if you look hard enough we can hopefully all find at least one reason.)

(I also want to add that I am not passing judgement on those who have taken their own lives, some of which I have read and cried with on these forums. Not everyone can separate themselves from their emotions and look at them logically. It's a curse which can sometimes be a blessing.)

I went and sat above a river too and thought about throwing in the photo of my partner from my wallet. I came really close. So close. In the end I kept it but put it behind a card so I can't see it. It was a photo from years ago and was a good memory. I'm not going to let him destroy those. I don't want to think about them now but like love letters and gifts there may come a time when I am able to look at them positively again and have good memories. To destroy them now would remove that posibility and probably not help me cope anyway.

After I got back to my friend's house they had dinner, but I abstained again. I had half a milkshake though which is obviously still nutrients and so on, and has calcium in it which is important. We played a little on a video game but that random crippling claustrophobia crept over me again and after trying to fight it I had to find solace outside in the garden and sobbed again for half an hour. Unlike before I didn't have any racing thoughts this time, just pure sadness. My friend came to comfort me and we talked a bit which settled me down. I ate four entire grapes too!

Now I am home again and preparing for bed. I have not drunk anything tonight, and don't plan to unless it gets to 2-3am again and I am still wide awake. I certainly don't want to develop an alcohol dependency on top of everything else.

Tomorrow is a working-from-home day. I will start around 8am and see how I get on. If it is like today I won't be working for long. I'm not sure what the policy is for things like this. I need to drive 90 miles to the office on Tuesday but I'm terrified of driving because my concentration is in tatters. I am scared I will cause an accident so taking more holiday seems like a "safe" idea, but I am also afraid of being stuck at home unable to work and being stuck with my thoughts.

At what point should I think about going to my GP to see if I can get anything for the stress so I can start to function normally? I'd feel silly going now, but I don't even know if he could help me?

I'll see what the morning brings.

x

Oh, sweetheart, some people are just shit.

They can't be honest. Yes, it hurts like hell cos you thought you knew them...

Be glad you are out of it, cos he would do it too to anyone. And you are so much the better person!

Giving you (((hugs))) and love.

OP, sorry this is so hard for you. If it helps - remember that's it's only been 5 days today. After 7 years and with no warning, you're going to be reeling for a bit.

Is your manager supportive? Could you ask for some short term leave while you're still feeling so wobbly?

I would give it til Weds and if you're not coping any better, see the GP about some support.

I hope today is okay for you.

Dave I think you should consider phoning your doctor this morning for an emergency appointment. You could get a sick note for a few days off work (it certainly sounds as though tomorrow's trip is too much right now) and some sleeping tablets. You wouldn't need to use either, but it gives you options.

My work were brilliant, cleared my diary of all travel commitments and told me to take the week. I appreciate that this is probably exceptional, but it goes to show how seriously other people take this kind of life event. In the end I didn't need the week, and went back to work, but it was at my speed which definitely helped me get back to work as soon and as effectively as possible.

My other thought is are you getting out for exercise - I'm not saying a 90 minute aerobics class, but just a 20 minute walk? I think this, like eating, is just one of those things you have to do before you feel like doing them.

I'm working from home today too, and in a similar boat to you, so if you can be MN all day then I should be around You're not alone

pocketsaviour, I have emailed my manager this morning to ask how best to deal with any more time needed off for the stress. My employer is generally very accomodating, and have been fantastically flexible in the past when I have needed it, so I am hopeful that something can be done. I have about three weeks of leave so even if I can't take it off for other reasons I won't lose any pay just yet.

The flip side is that whilst I am struggling to cope with working (I managed a few emails this morning before hitting a block), the thought of not having anything to do just makes the stress worse.

What kind of support could my GP give to me? Normally it is a ten minute appointment and I can't imagine what they could actually do? I suppose help with sleeping would be good.

Myturnnow4, I did walk for about two hours yesterday. I went right out of town along roads and paths where I only saw about two other people during the entire time. The physical walking was like a robot doing it because I didn't feel a thing, physically, whereas normally my heart rate is elevated after walking to my office from the carpark 2 minutes away. It's raining today so I can't easily do it, and I would always prefer to have a friend at least know where I am going and for how long at the moment just in case I slip up with managing the depression and enter a silly state.

I know that I need to exercise to reduce the effects of the stress hormones/chemicals, but after yesterday's walk and not noticing any change during or afterwards I'm confused as to what to do.

I struggled to settle last night and I only got to sleep around 3am, and up just past 5am, but no drinking. I'll be relatively ok and not having racing thoughts and then out of nowhere they jump up again and my heart rate/breathing rises. It's impossible to sleep when that happens, and after two hours of trying to resettle I gave up.

I got a photo message this morning from my friend with his 4 month old son smiling and the caption "Good morning Dave. Hope you managed to sleep x". I burst into tears when I saw it. I know they are trying so hard to help me and feel as helpless as I do. I hate that I am putting them through this just because they care for me. I'm in floods of tears again now writing about it.

On the plus side I'm starving this morning, and a bit dehydrated. I have eaten a dozen or so the grapes I got yesterday which has made no real difference, but have drunk some water. Not sure what else to do. I went to the cake cupboard to try and get something but I couldn't open it. Just last weekend we restocked on 3 months worth of grain bars for my partner and they will be sitting there behind the cupboard door looking straight at me.

When I've posted this message I'm not eusre what I'm going to do. Likel;y just stare at my keyboard until my friend finishes work.

How about living life 15 minutes at a time? I made a To Do list and just wrote everything down, and mechanically went through it, item by item. The house is very clean and tidy as a result . Then I coped on an hourly basis and now I would say I'm on a daily basis, so long as I have 3 or 4 items on my list.

I wouldn't worry too much about needing to sit and do nothing though. It's a shock and your body has to numb itself to some extent.

I will try and make a list; that sounds like a really good idea.

I'm not sure what I'll put on it though. I had already tidied the house up and the few tasks that do need doing were things being done soley for "us", i.e. there is no remaining benefit in me doing them just for me. I've not really made any mess that needs cleaning since last week because I haven't done anything.

I've spoken with my manager and am taking the afternoon off as I'm struggling to be productive. I'm going to walk into town and pick up some nytol from boots. Would that help me sleep during the day too if I was to take it before evening, assuming I laid in a cool dark room? The thought of being able to just sleep as much as possible is very appealing.

lostdave - that sounds very traumatic. I think your ex has been very cruel, intentionally or untentionally, to you just to run off like that, regardless of MH issues.

Personally I would avoid doing anything that doesn't support a healthy sleep pattern, including sleeping during the day. And with respect Dave this shit is happening; you can't avoid dealing with it by sleeping the day away.

Seriously, whilst you're in town have a flick through that Paul McKenna book I recommended earlier. You talk about doing things for Us, and the book has a brilliant theory about such habits and thinking patterns.

I think you're doing great - got a walk planned, got a task planned and you've taken some time off work.

Honestly, I haven't read most of the responses so I don't know if I'm repeating myself here, I'm about to out myself sort of to my sister. But here goes, what you've said about depression and mental health and the fact that he has done this to previous partners immediately brings to mind depression fallout. There's a very helpful forum relating to this, if you type it depression fallout message board you'll find it.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I can't imagine anything more painful.

Hi OP. I can't add much to the emotional support, but I think your physical reaction indicates a very high level of cortisol. That's not good. Your immune system is on the floor (you may experience skin outbreaks, flu-like colds or stomach upsets), your sleep patterns are broken and you're not absorbing the extra calories you need: another 1000 per day while the storm is ongoing. The blunted feeling is very typical too.

Get to your GP and ask for a short course of SSRIs. It's NOT a cure, but it will reset your brain so you can think rationally. It will also prevent Grindr type idiocy.

Good luck and peace.

Fortunately I'm not the sort of person who would ever use grindr or the like. Each to their own but not for me!

I tried to book an appointment to see my doctor but the earliest they could give me was 7th September in two weeks. If this continues for two weeks I'm not sure I'll have the energy to go. Not sure where/how to turn for help with that? Could a parmasist help?

That also means I can't get signed off from work, so if I'm going to have to keep using my annual leave.

The site went down yesterday, but I did get some Nytol from Boots and took one last night. I can't say it helped at all with me getting to sleep - it still took me a couple of hours to settle - but I definitely slept for longer not waking up until 10am. I could feel it while I was waiting to get off to sleep but it just made me feel like a washing machine was going round inside my head (throwing my balance around) and was more unnerving than anything else. I plan to take one again tonight.

I haven't eaten today, apart from a few grapes and a bit of water. My friends are taking me for a meal later so I will try and eat then. I've been keeping busy throughout the day so far by playing world of warcraft. I used to play it many years ago and it is a good way of grinding away at time and keeping my mind occupied.

I want to put the radio on for some background noise (BBC Radio 2) but JV winds me up no end and the playlists always include equal amounts of love songs and heartbreak songs, which I do not want to be listening to right now.

I had a letter through for him today. It looks like it is from one of the credit card company's he used. I can't open it as it is not mine so I've put it in a drawer on the desk he used for now. His balances were near max so I just hope he keeps paying them off and doesn't default and leave me to fend off his creditors for the next six years. It took us long enough to sort out the financial mess he made the last time he left someone to pick up his pieces. I am reasonably confident from the little signs that were left that he is planning to change his name and move out of the area so it would not surprise me.

I'm off to take a shower now as I have been letting that slide the last few days and need to freshen up. It's hard to get the drive to when the first thing you think of when you wake up, after the bombardment of grieving thoughts, is how soon is it until you can try and sleep again.

Honestly, I think you should ring the doctors up in the morning and ask for an emergency, same-day appointment.

In terms of background noise, how about radio 4 or just searching for "calm positive background noise" on YouTube?

Did you have to travel to your meeting today?

The meeting was yesterday via email. My manager is very understanding and is keeping it discrete because I do not want the whole "What should we say to him" thing from my colleagues when I do go back. Plus I am not "out" at work so really don't want to be having conversations with "they" and "their" rather than "him" or "his" because it will just make me feel awkward.

Can I do that with the doctor's surgery? I did not know that was possible. The recorded message at the start of the call said "if it is an emergency call 999" and I'm not going to do that. The woman I spoke to to arrange an appointment seemed not very approachable, and as I am not the most confident or pushy of people I just accepted what she offered. I will try again tomorrow.

Yes you can. All surgeries keep a few appointments free for urgent cases like yours if others. I've used them. Just telling your Dr about your visualisation and, quite possibly, bursting into tears - and don't be ashamed- will convince any GP of the urgency.

Grapes sure great but your stomach will get upset. Carbs are calming. Bland stuff. Bread and cheese, cream crackers. Cake. And hot drinks. You may get cold and shivery.

When you can focus, do a credit check. And disassociate yourself from his debts. As otherwise you may find them hanging over you. The CAB or someone on here will tell you how.

Give the surgery a go, explain to them that you can't wait two weeks and that you need to see someone today.

I've managed to get an appointment for this afternoon. Thank you for both your help. I hope they will be able to help me deal with the stress.

Yesterday evening two of my friends took me to a local pub for a meal. I managed a small chicken salad and forced myself through an apple crumble afterwards. I also had a pint of lemonade too which is full of sugar. Nothing to eat this morning.

I've gone from 10st 8lbs to just over 10st in about two weeks. I normally fluctuate between 10/9 and 10/6. Last night was difficult to get to sleep, and I only managed two hours until around 7am. I managed to 'rest' a bit longer until 10am, but not sleep. I've woken with a sore throat today, just because... why not. I've taken some beechams aio which normally helps me manage the symptoms but of course it contains alcohol and cafine so I can only take it till about midday if I want to take a nytol again tonight to avoid mixing it.

Today moriving forward I've taken more leave from work and I will distract myself with that game until it is time to walk to the doctors.

Emotionally, I'm still breaking into tears at random times about twice a day. Last night it was when I had finished cleaning my teeth. Completely random but I can't stop it when it comes on. I've been trying to find that moment in the past when I can draw a line and say that was the end of the happy bit so I can grieve but everything is all mixed up and I'm struggling to find it.

When I couldn't swallow, I set myself a target of eating 6 times a day, no matter how small the snack.

My health also suffered and I too lost about half a stone. After about 10 days I think it began to really make life difficult - lack of sleep, lack of concentration, lack of energy etc and I realised I had to start taking my health seriously.

I think, if he has form for this, the best thing is to try to move on in the knowlege it wasn't you, it was him and his issues (mental health or otherwise). and for you! You sound very mature, aware of your feelings and perceptive of others. It won't be long until you meet someone else. Hopefully someone who won't panic when things start to seem too good, and do a silent runner (which is such a cruel thing to do, issues with empathy or not).

The random tears and such are because you didn't have any closure. Any sense of "it's really over". Look after your health, do things you enjoy, and if you need to cry, let it all out. It could take months, but it will ease and then you'll realise you haven't shed a tear for a while.

The line in the sand is when you realised he'd gone. The exact moment you went ?!!! in your head. Until then, you thought everything was fine. You couldn't have known what he was planning. You couldn't have done anything differently. His mind was already made up, due to his own insecurities or lack of commitment or whatever prompted him to do this horrible selfish thing to you.

I've come back from the doctor and have got some medication to help with my sleep and the trembling/breathless fits I've been getting like those in the supermarket where everything closes in on me. I did not want to go on antidepressants yet and she agreed because although I am not in control of my body at the moment I am aware of my thoughts and that might be better for dealing with them healthily. I am going to see her again next week and I am going to make an appointment to go in and see the local anxiety and depression service as soon as I can when they open tomorrow (although the waits are normally 3-4 weeks). I feel at least it is something proactive to do, even if I don't need it.

I've been signed off for four weeks retrospectively so at least I get my holiday back for another time. My manager has been very supportive as always.

The doctor explained what is happening to me (physically and psychologically) and made me feel slightly less of an idiot for wasting her time. Sadly she been through almost exactly the same situation herself so offered me some advice. We couldn't explain why someone would leave a longterm loving and supportive relationship in such a manor that deliberately causes a very hurtful situation to be so much more painful. I guess it is human nature to assume that other people feel things in the same way as you do, but logically of course there is no reason for that to be true. Empathy is a bitch sometimes.

I got another call from the college this afternoon asking for his phone number because his given mobile is no longer valid. Unfortunately I know less than them. We confirmed that they did not have my home address anymore so I told them to write to his new address for contact details.

The DWP have written to me regarding his PIP claim and recent appeal decision (I was an authorised representative so I can communicate on his behalf). I can't repeat what the detail was, but it is something important that he needs to know immediately. I phoned them and told them he had moved out and I did not have a forwarding address. It is possible now that they may stop his claim which makes me feel awful after two years of stress fighting for it to be awarded. Without that money he will have no income at all. I know you will say "sod it, let him deal with his own problems" but I'm not that person. What can I do? I feel helpless.

Thanks for the helpful comments, thoughts and xx

Oh Dave I don't know what to say because I can feel your sadness through the screen and remember it myself only too well.

So glad you have support from gp and boss. Any RL friends to help?

I feel for you, I really do. The pain is horrible.

Why don't you use the time you would have been spending with him to do something for you. Even something silly like watch a boxset, or start a new book series?

When dp and I broke up (though back together now) I was heartbroken, but determined this would be my chance to go swimming, take long walks with dog, stuff I put off doing before, and in a year lost a ton of weight. And recorded and rewatched the entire 7 series's of gilmore girls, twice which was far more satisfying than loosing the two stone I've now put back on

Great that work have given you 4 weeks, be good to yourself this month!

I am so pleased to hear that you got to the doctors and got some support for your health.