Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

Continued

All of this extreme emotion is going to pull it out of your immune system so vitd3 drops, magnesium oil, total b vitamins. Now when you are at your lowest ebb you need to think of good quality vits and mins and good nutrition.

There's no plan B!

Negative feelings in my first post. Sorry suns shining on iPad!

Just about read the full thread Dave and although you might not feel it you are doing really well right now.

I found it helpful on the nights I couldn't sleep to write down all my jumbled thoughts through my snotty tears.

I wrote pages and pages and I kept it.

Eleven years on when I look at it it's the biggest. Pile of snivelling shite I've ever had the misfortune to read .

But

Its a good measure of how far I've come. I read somewhere to allow one month for every year of your relationship. So we were together 30 years and 30 months was about right. Now no way were those latter months anywhere near as raw and painful as the earlier months. Far from it and I was determined to spend that time doing things for me. I travelled a lot. Florida loads of times. Went skiing with a bunch of strangers in Colorado.. Activity week in the lakes. Went to Cuba. Took up sailing.

I had a blast . I can look on that period as one of the saddest yet one of the most exhilaring.

In all honesty. I lived my life. Then at the advanced age of 56 several months after my divorce came through I met the most lovely man so different from my ex and I now know what true happiness and an equal partnership feel like.

I never got chance to shake my ex.s hand and thank him but what a favour he did me.

Did I feel suicidal? Only fleetingly .i couldn't hurt my children in that way . They were hurting enough already. It was more a case of ' I'll show you' and by golly I did show him.

You are intelligent and articulate enough to know ' that this too will pass. '

Life has cleared out the dead wood for something bigger, brighter and better to come your way.

It took me 56 years to find out that being in a loving relationship can be easy.
No stress, no angst, no worry. Just easy like putting your feet in a comfy pair of slippers that are comfy because they fit you. You don't have to alter them in any way shape or form to make them fit.

Keep posting, keep crying . You will survive and you will be in a better place ;-)

Honestly!

Amazing posts by dowser

OP have you got Netflix? £6 a month and probably the best value entertainment for money. When I'm having a hard time I like to binge watch TV series. Some brilliant dramas on there - Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, House of Cards, or if you can't concentrate on plots there's about 30 episodes of QI, and other similar, plus I like to destress with some David Attenborough stuff which doesn't require much attention but passes the time.

It sounds like you're starting to get in touch with your anger, which is fully justified. Don't start excluding his behaviour on his Aspergers; I've got a significant number of family and friends on the spectrum and NONE of them have form for this sort of shit. Let that anger out, don't feel guilty, it's a necessary part of the healing process.

OP, I have just caught up with the whole thread. I feel very sad for you.

Many years ago, I was left very precipitously by someone. I had no idea, it was completely unexpected. He changed jobs and moved country, leaving me high and dry. It took me days to establish that he was actually alive and safe, not lying unidentified in an A&E somewhere. I did eventually get some kind of explanation, but it was too little too late, and those early days when I had no idea what to think or how to react were so hard and so painful. The sad reality is that some people are pathologically incapable of squaring up honourably to difficult situations and run away instead. It looks as though you have been caught up in the undertow of such a person, just as I was.

It's very shocking when something like this happens, and I think that's partly why it has such a visceral effect, messing up sleep, messing up appetite, messing up brain chemistry. It sounds like your doctor is one of the good ones, and you sound very sensible, and awake to the importance of looking after yourself physically. Your friends sound great too. I think you have to get through this stage one day at a time. Please believe me when I tell you that it will get easier. Try to eat, try to sleep, keep away from the addictive stuff, try to keep yourself occupied, try to work, little by little try to get back to some kind of normality even if it's different from what went before.

I am in awe of your insight into your feelings and your ability to articulate them thoroughly, and hope that posting here is helping you to order your thoughts and feelings constructively. When I went through my break-up, I felt that my life had been a kind of orderly, sustainable structure and that by exiting our relationship in the way that he did, my boyfriend had removed the central support mechanism of that structure, leaving it rickety and unfit for purpose. Gradually, very gradually, I thought of myself as tinkering with that structure until it became first sound, then solid, and finally aesthetically pleasing - more pleasing in fact than it had been in the first place. I am confident you will get there too.

and a nice for you, OP.

Thank you pocket saviour. Much appreciated and all comes from the heart ;-)

You said nothing wrong in your post Dave. I'm glad you went out. It's hard being emotionally drained and wired at the same time. It's all so raw. It's awful people do this. It's wrong and cowardly. They don't seem to grow and develop but make the same mistakes over and over again. Plenty of people with mh issues don't behave like this. An adult whatever their problems talks about it, if not to their partner, to somebody else. They try to get all the help available to deal with it.

Dave - you do what you need to do to get through this. I'm glad you've got support. I was told by somebody when you're down, choose something different. Choose anger. It's much healthier and you're starting to find yours. When you're done with that, choose something different again!

Yes, those marine animals are like children that need you. You're making small plans and that's great, just doing what you can to get through another day. Anything you can eat is better than nothing, toast, cake or cereal bars for example.

Lovely posters and great advice here. Horrible so many people experience it. Yes to films and boxsets. I joined lovefilm and it helps while away winter evenings that are on the horizon. Good idea to have counselling to avoid attracting any more of these types. You are an intelligent, perceptive person and frankly deserve better. A more equal relationship. Good idea to try to get back to some sort of normality.

It happened to me. I found out afterwards my family knew for a while it was going to happen. I never spoke to them again, that was twenty years ago.

for all of you who've experienced it.

Dave your under no obligation to post on here, however I notice that you haven't posted since early hours this morning.

When you can just post to say you're ok.

There's a lot of supposrt on here for you . I hope you will continue to avail yourself of it.

I only wish mumsnet had been around when I went through my dark days.

Onwards and upwards eh?

I've just read your thread and wanted to say I'm thinking of you. The same thing happened to me 4 weeks ago today. I ended up on meds too, and though the physical symptoms are easing, emotionally I'm still on a rollercoaster. I'm still finding out lots of lies, he left everything too, he even rang me after he left to say he loved me, yet he never came home. It took him a week to get in touch, then he just wished me a happy birthday keep posting, it helps.

Hi Dowser, I'm ok. I mean I'm physically here, not that I'm "okay", but you understand that.

I've been reading the replies as they come in even if I don't respond immediately, so thank you all for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts and advice. To answer in order (and broken into two messages to keep them managable):

Dowser - I feel exactly as you describe. I know I need to grieve because the loss is effectively a bereavement as far as my brain is concerned, but not having the closure that a death brings, and the "benefit" of keeping the memories as they were forged, is holding me back form moving forward. It feels like I am in some sort of out-of-bosy state where I can tell myself exactly what is happening and how I should be feeling, but my brain and body are reacting completely differently.

So your Plan A:

1, Crying. I am down to around once a day that just comes on from nowhere. The overwhelming cloud of sadness from yesterday was not how I have been beeing most days (nor today). I hope that was a one off. I do not want the stress to turn into lasting depression. TBH the thought of going back to that place is terrifying me. I escaped it once but I started from a stronger position last time and it took many years to build and to clear.

2, I don't have the confidence for a gym, nor the violence in me to take up those sorts of sports. I don't really experience anger. I know that is a bad thing. I tend to be ok at recognising things that anger me and either avoiding them, or just working around them and chipping them off in small pieces. This is a subject I plan to discuss when I get my assessment to see if it is a trait I need to adapt.

3, Talking. I do talk to my best friend despite sometimes feeling awkward about it, but probably not as in depth about some aspects as I have on here. I am using this thread to organise my thoughts, a bit like a diary. It helps me to spot things that I need to address, and I can read the responses that you leave for help and perspective. This is the only time I have been in this situation so I have no experience of my own to draw on.

I'm unsure about the samaritans yet. I know they would listen to absolutely anything from me for as long as I wanted if needed but I'm not sure I'm in that place yet. I do have the number added in my phone at the top of the list should I need it.

I am hopeful that the upcoming assessment in four weeks will open doors to some counselling if it would be useful at that time.

4, Food. I had a packaged sandwich today and another milkshake. Nothing else. I did however go to the fridge and open it before bottling it and taking the sandwich that was bought for me. I looked in the fridge and saw food that was there two weeks ago. I've thrown away anything bad but just don't have the motivation to do anything with the rest. It's souless cooking a meal for one person.

5, I'll try some classical on low for backgroud noise. Less chance of any emotional reminders there because we never listened to it together.

6, I've suffered with bouts of insomnia for years, typically one week out of each month, and have tried all sorts of OTC aids in that time. None ever worked for me. The Zomovane does work to lengthen my sleep, although it only makes me drowsy and I still need to practise mindfullness to actually fall asleep. Sometimes that can be hard. I'm unused to a cold bed so I now take a fury cushion to sleep with me to reflect some heat back.

Just as I wrote that I yawned! I don't remember the last time I yawned! I'm going to try it tonight without a tablet. I failed last night and ended up taking two.

I am on the mending stage of the cold I caught (coughing stopped this morning so the chest pains have ceased). I will discuss with my doctor on Thursday to see if they suggest anything else to take while my immune system is shut down. One positive sideeffect - I used to get inflamation in my knee which has gone. I think I'd rather swap it back though, as nice as that is it was much more managable.

Plan B:
See Plan A.

Morning Dave...waves ;-)

I take valerian if I wake in the night . Some times it helps, some times it doesn't. I just don't stress it any more.

Got to get to bed Dave. My eyes are crossing. I did years of Re- evaluation counselling. It's very effective for getting strong emotions out which is why I suggested something physical.

You might have other ideas. One idea we used was an old vacuum hose thumped on a bed. Sounds stupid but very effective. People have smashed old furniture up or old crockery in a safe place of course. Safety is paramount.

Sometimes we just need to get physical to u leash that anger. I've never suffered with depression since I worked on my anger. Sadness, grief yes but not depression ( I have suffered badly with depression in the past)

Grief takes many forms and there will be days when everything feels black and grim and you will have other lighter days. These will become more and more apparent as time goes on and the wound begins to heal.

You are doing good. It's very early days yet.

And you know what? You will love again!

30 years is a long time - it's as many as I have lived and I can only remember half of those. My when mum left my dad it was after a similar period. My dad coped, just about. His split was more spread out around whow I whould have wanted it to me - issues that couldn't be resolved, some time apart to think about it and make sure it was what she wanted, and then finally a divorce and moving on. There was no resentment of the past and honesty throughout. As they are obviously still my parents so do see each other a few times a year. I don't think he ever got over it fully, if anyone can, and he is very frustrated that he can't help me. That's upsetting and stressful for me too.

My mum does not know as she is on holiday and I'm not going to ruin that.

Your travels and sailing sounds very appealing. I wish I could have come with you. Both under different circumstances though!

I don't consider myself suicidal. I consider myself a 1 on the PHQ test for that question. I feel most people who find themselves facing that choice because of a single life event would probably not want to if they could change what they were feeling at that moment in time. I stumbled once, and stepped back by recognising the cycle was starting and physically intervening (close computer, text friend, do not go back online until discussed). I don't want to see anyone make the choice to end their own life, not just for their children but for the unique benefit of living their own life. That's very different from people with terminal illnesses whom I believe should be given enough information to make an informed decision about their eol. All death is painful to you and your loved ones, but some is so very cruel and each individual should be free to make their own choices. It is just the final stage of life; it shouldn't be wrapped up and hidden away as taboo. Life is only meaningul because there is death. Hide it away and people start living for tomorrow not today. That's not life - it's merely existance.

Anyway... philsophy aside...

pocketsaviour, I don't have netflix but I do have Amazon Prime and I have lots of box sets at home already. He used to rip the discs onto a server so we could watch them through a media player in the bedroom or lounge. I'm not really sure how to use that all myself so would need to learn. The Prime would have to be watched on my PC.

I'll set a target of having a look by the end of the week and see if I can find something. Anoyingly I don't get Freeview, only Freesat, which does not include the Dave channels with all the QI repeats on them!

MrsLupo, I went through the same panic stage initialy. The comfort to me was the careful manner in which he left meant he was likely going somewhere planned and wouldn't be ending up at the side of some road. The bank all I had last week about the cinema ticks and box of chocolates at least clarifies that whereever he is and whatever he is doing he is obviously safe.

I do believe you (all) when you said it will get easier. The one month to grieve one year seems commonly shared so obviously has some truth to it. If that normal grief develops into depression through it could be much worse, and with a history of it I am more likely to end up there again which is why I am proactively getting reinvolved with the support services while the stress is the most significant problem so if I need them they will be ready to assist.

You mention that my doctor is a good one (I feel she understood very well as she had been through similar some years ago). My friends are great (who's aren't?) and at times like yesterday when I need to play the "drop everything, come now" card they do so without missing a beat. I'm very thankful for that, even though I feel awful for asking it of them I can understand why they do it because I would, and have, done the same in the past. It's why we're friends after all this time and plenty of things to test us along the way.

You also mention my ability to articulate my thoughts. As I indicated to dowser I use that technique to step back and look at them logically. It's a side effect of my personality whereby I need to plan and understand every eventuality before I head into something. That's probably part of the problem here, because I don't understand and I can't plan any outcome. I just have to take it hour-by-hour and day-by-day and react retrospectively based on how I feel at that moment. It's a very stressful situation for me, I suppose it is like a chain smoker suddenly having their nicotine cut off and being expected to function normally. Everyone has slightly different brain workings. Mine are very slightly towards autistic (without being sufficient for a categorisation). Both a blessing and a curse.

I like your description of a structure being rebuilt. It is a good one.

I haven't forgotten you stayanotherday! I think I've answered most of your comments already now.

I'm sorry that for you it has destroyed the relationship with your family as well. With my hat on the other side I would still talk to the guy who left me like this and polite too... although I would never entertain a partner relationship with him under any circumstances (maybe an end of the world meteorite in 24h would get me to hold hands for comfort, but I'd wear marigolds).

As much as people hurt you and can betray your trust in ever astounding ways, I feel that life is too short to carry hatred around with you. Forgiveness is yours to give freely. I would always want to make peace to amicable terms with anyone I'd wronged, and would like to be able to offer the same in reverse. Far better to say "good morning" to someone when you pass them on the street and forget about it two steps later than to think "go f**k yourself" and spend all day reliving the hate. Burning bridges isolates you. That only harms you.

[hug]

Breezy1985, you are twice as far "along" this journey than I am. That's comforting to know, as you are here, but I am more saddened to know that you've been forced into it too. It sounds like the limited contact you've had has not provided answers. Have you been offered counselling? Have you found the stress subsiding to the point you can function daily? Have you found yourself able to start grieving his loss?

I need to plan and understand every eventuality before I head into something. That's probably part of the problem here, because I don't understand and I can't plan any outcome.

Yes, I relate to this. I have a very powerful need to understand others' motivations, even in quite trivial situations. I find it very hard to move through and beyond a situation until I've turned it around in my hands, as it were, and inspected it from every angle. I fret away at things until they clunk into place and comprehension dawns. Even if what is going on is a negative state of affairs, I feel better once I can make sense of it, and then I can file it away and move on. So I sympathise. And I use a lot of the same tools: writing things down; talking at length to the trusted few.

Do you feel you are starting to make sense of things more? Your partner has form for this kind of behaviour, which makes a certain kind of sense of it, insofar as it's apparently his M.O., however far from your own idea of how to behave that may be. Which means it stems from his own shit, his own baggage, rather than from anything you did or failed to do.

I had a strong sense from your earlier posts that he was in search of a clean slate, a completely fresh start. The timing - to coincide with starting a college course - seems significant, and the name change. He is reinventing himself. I get a sense of self-dislike and wondered if he thinks he is protecting you somehow from the loathsome person he imagines himself to be. But maybe I'm giving him too much credit.

I had a friend a long time ago who reinvented herself every few years, not the namechanging, but she would shed friends, find a new direction, cut off contact with a stubbornness that was actually quite impressive. Once she had done it to me I realised that the trigger was when she felt people had come to know the real her too well. She couldn't cope with the exposure that comes with close, long-term friendship. I can say with candour that she had some hardcore baggage, but she was a lovely person and hurt us both when she finally moved out of my life. Thanks to the internet, I know where she is now, but would never breach her autonomy by getting in touch. She could just as easily find me. Some people are just destined to keep moving.

Sorry you are in so much pain. You are doing really well.

I've been offered counselling, am on the waiting list. I've had no answers from him whatsoever, but I've since found out I'm far from the first he's done it too and I won't be the last.

The stress has eased alot, and I'm functioning far better this week, but I've got 2 DC, and they've kept me going, I honestly don't know what I'd have done without them. One thing that did help was going away for a week, it was already booked and he was meant to come to celebrate my 30th, but it helped clear my head because there wasn't memories of him everywhere. Just before we went I threw out everything of his and everything he'd ever bought including food! It helped alot!
I hate him for what he's done yet I miss him so much, I'd never take him back and my trust in everyone has disappeared.

You are all doing really well in a very tough situation that doesn't seem to make sense so you try to make what sense you can out of it. People who do this always seem to have form for it. They don't see or choose to see the mess they leave behind. It does help to throw everything out and also reinvent your life as much as you can to a new sort of normal.

I don't feel anything for any of them anymore. There's a huge backstory to this which I won't go into as I don't want to derail the thread. I have my own life and get on with almost everybody in it. In the past I didn't want to cut the 'rubbish' out in case that was all there was but when you do, you can find better things. If toxic people then cross your path, you're quicker at realising it.

So, so sorry you have been hit by this juggernaut going at 100mph

I, personally, would call him a slime but I appreciate you don't want to do that. You make lots of excuses for the way people behave but there's no excuse for what he's done here.

You're missing out a vast area of healthy living if you swerve anger, though. yy it's not so great if anger gets out of hand but, of itself, it is an enormously positive, essential, force - right up there. Though I appreciate that, right now, your focus is on survival, as it would be. But I do hope the anger will come at some stage - at least to denote self protection. Because you are one hell of a precious person and you do need to start protecting lovely you. I wonder if I caught a whiff of anger somewhere up thread re phonecalls chasing his many debts and responsibilities (which he has no intention of meeting) - yay with the anger! Bring it on!

This may be contary to your MO but I wonder if you could try letting go. Of the reasoning and keeping tabs on exactly what is going on. You could try it for a moment, no more, and see how it feels? You may be swamped with pain and grief because (imo) that is top of the list of what appropriately needs to come out to flush out your poor crushed heart - it may be why it bursts out at unexpected times, side-stepping your reasoning: it's too full up and out it flows. All good! Let it flow.

Back in the day I used to suffer from panic attacks. I was going to say 'crippling' panic attacks but that would be tautology because panic attacks are crippling. I read a book about it, what was going on with my body, why they came on squeezing the very life out of me - and the biggest revelation I took from that book, aside from all the practical exercises, was that my body was my ally, it was protecting me. And there was I thinking it was attacking me! It certainly looked like it - but that was only because I was sending it the wrong messages ([lesson alert] by breathing shallowly, which triggered my adrenals - crisis! tiger! house fire! - and sent the soldiers in force to help me face the crisis. Only there wasn't a crisis. BUT my body was protecting me, gushing to my aid. All - all! - I had to do was to keep an eye on my breathing, noticing when my breathing got shallow, and focusing on breathing deeply - to send the message to my helpful adrenals: It's ok! no need to send the brigade! I didn't even need to know at that stage why my breathing was shallow - what was going on emotionally (that came later). I just had to learn to breath properly [lesson over] [sorry]).

By the same token, I think the body, mind and emotions know what to do when hit with a crisis. Which is why I say let go, let them do their job. You don't have to rely solely on reasoning out what has happened - though, of course, that will be a big part of what's naturally going on with you now; there are other things you can rely on at this awful time [hug]

I know, it's not easy to let go - especially if you're the sort who relies on yourself to work your way out of any given situation (don't we all). But try it out. Let yourself fall: it's bracing that does the most damage?

Sounds like you've got a good gp - yay. Thinking of you a lot, sorry for long post - I hope it's not too nonsensical but I'm late for an appt xxx

Thinking of you, OP, and wondering how things are going. Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Sorry, long post again:

More creditors called today. One credit card and one loan company. The reason was "regarding his account", which obviously means the last payment has bounced. I told them his new name and that he had moved out without a forwarding address, took their number in case he gets in contact (he won't) and left it at that. I asked them to not call on my home number again and I would call them if I obtained any contact details and they agreed, so hopefully I won't hear from those companies again until the debt chasing firms get hold of his accounts and the constant hounding begins...

I have not slept well the past two nights. I'm getting off to sleep quite late at the moment anyway (not through choice, I just can't seem to settle) and I've been waking very early and not able to settle again. I saw my doctor again today who thinks I am doing ok but have given me some stronger sedatives for night time but I can only take them a few times a week. I'm going to take one tonight as I am just so physically exhausted and my eyes are swollen so I need sleep at any cost, but I'm really nervous about taking them because of the risk of addiction.

MrsLupo, thank you. You describe me well in the first paragraph of your message.

Do I feel I am making sense of things? Not really. None of my questions have really been answered - I've only made up my own answers to fill the gaps. The trouble is I know they are made up answers, so they don't really work. I'm just trying not to even think about it at the moment.

I can't help feeling that by not recognising it earlier I haven't helped myself. I wouldn't have changed him leaving. He clearly thinks it is the best for him, so I would have taken time and accepted it. You can't have a partnership unless it is equal halves. I would have had the chance to understand why though and then we could have had a "normal" parting without all the loose ends and questions.

The rest of your post I have read and agree with.

Breezy1985, I am very nervous about the counselling because I've never done anything like that before. I am hoping I will be able to see if there are any issues I am not aware of with seeking dependencies (as mentioned earlier in this thread) because I can't see that being a good thing. I am not sure it will give me any answers but maybe some methods to close the doors? I've spoken to a few people who have been through the process and they have all said that it helped. Sometimes it is just having someone neutral to speak with. (Like on these forums.)

I am glad to hear the stress is easing. The beta blockers have really helped with me. As I don't have any children of my own I have been setting goals in a video game to complete each day and working towards those to keep myself occupied inbetween visiting friends and checking in with work. The main thing that is physically distressing me still is the lack of sleep. I'm actually too exhausted to think about much else. I can feel a whirlwind going round in my head at times throwing off my balance.

I can't really throw out everything of his because he took everything portable, and what was left is all stuff I've bought that is either brand new or valuable. I did box up all the little personal gifts a few days after he left, both given and received, and have just dumped the box on his old desk. I can't really throw those out as they include a complete collection of rare beanie toys that are quite valuable. For now I'm just going to leave the box there as I rarely look in that direction and it is tucked away. I have cleared our the fridge as it was going mouldy. 2 weeks is a lot to ask from a supermarket tomato.

You say "I hate him for what he's done yet I miss him so much, I'd never take him back and my trust in everyone has disappeared."

I feel very similar. I hate him for the way he has done it. Not for leaving as if that is what he wanted then that's his choice. I would not take him back. I hate him for having his MH problems in such a way that has damaged him like that because without those he could have happy, and therefore so could I. But I can't change any of that as it has already happened. I've always told myself not to get upset over things were I can't change the outcome - the world is too horrible a place if you look too closely. Positive people live happier lives. Much better to just acknowledge them and try and avoid them next time round. Or so I keep telling myself...

I am scared that I will have trust issues in the future if/when I get through this. He broke my trust the first time when he cheated and I allowed him to build it up again, only to break it again. I tend to give trust very easily once I've picked out friend-from-foe and I've never had problems with it before. I don't want to end up bitter and hateful towards people.

springydaffs, I understand what you are saying about anger. I want to be angry. The trouble is I never have been externally. I've always spotted it in advance or reacted to it internally by breaking it down and dealing with it.

I am trying to focus on breathing/mindfullness at times, but I don't know if it is making any difference.

At the moment I'm not sure if I can let go, or even if I want to, because I don't want to be making very important decisions while I know I am not thinking correctly. It feels a bit like letting a sick man prescribe his own medicine. Obviously he will take everything that might cure him, instead of going to a doctor to get what will cure him.

[hug]

One more day almost done.

Sorry I droned on up there.

Well done for getting to 6 o'clock

I hope you sleep tonight. You are a lovely man, I hope you know that xx

So sorry. Move out

Hope you sleep better tonight.

How did it go, dave? How are you getting on? xx