Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

Hi springydaffs, thank you for your message yesterday and this afternoon.

I took the stronger sedative last night and slept for five hours. Better than the last couple of night. I've got more days on those and then I need to take a break for one night which I'm not looking forward to. I woke in a panicked state this morning. Like you've just heard a scream or something like that. I have no idea what triggered it (I don't remember any dream). The propranalol calmed me down fairly quickly.

There hs been an interesting development to report: I received a letter this morning from the DWP with his new name and all his contact details on. You may recall from an earlier message that I am (apparently still) authorised to deal with them on his behalf. It is just an admin letter confirming the changes which he will also receive so will likely revoke my authority from now on.

I've also received a letter from Stepchange addressed to "The occupier". (They are the debt management charity that I knew he had spoke to before.) They gave me a reference number and an address which I think is someone they deal with to give to any of his creditors who contact me. They also gave me his new name (indirectly because they didn't mention it had changed so if I didn't know I would be a bit confused).

The second letter is reassuring because it suggests that whatever he is doing with his debts, he is not planning on just leaving me to deal with them. That will be helpful, if true, because I do not want to be dealing with the likes of McKenzie Hall and those try-it-ons for the next ten years. Now I can give them a correspondance address and tell them to piss off. The way he deliberately maxed out all of his credit beforehand suggests he is going for bankruptcy, BUT, but is not my problem. If his creditors wan't to pursue him for fraud/theft then that is up to them.

The DWP letter... I don't know what to do with that information.

I've just filed it away for now. Part of me wants to post him a box with all the bits he left that I wish he had not left me with, or write him a letter with some simple questions, but I'm not going to do either. Not even a boxed turd as one friend suggested.

In a few days after some thinking I will probably send off his V5 with the new details on to the DVLA just to get it done and finished with. He won't know I've done it, but it removes an administrative headache for me as much as for him as I would get all the documents and any tickets sent to me incorrectly. I'm 80-85% sure that contacting him at this stage is not going to help me. If I get past the physical effects of the stress to the point I can start to process the emotions they are blocking then that might change, but for now I just can't see anything for me to gain.

Today a friend was going to take me to the cinema this evening, but I have had to decline because my eyesight has been really poor the past few days and I just can't concentrate not even on that video game. I think due to the exhaustion. My eyes/lids like like those of a 70 year old at the moment. I've been sitting at my desk with my eyes closed listening to the sound of a ceiling fan rotating to try and occupy my thoughts just to rest, but can only manage a few minutes at a time.

I'm trying to drink more water as the doctor suggested. I've had a pint so far today and am aiming for another before bed. I've looked at a web site that was suggested (mood juice) but I'm doing it in small parts because of my concentration. It is sunny, but windy, outside so I may try and walk round the block in a bit. Maybe pick up a sandwich, although I have not been hungry yet today.

Glad you had some sleep, dave. How about music through headphones for rest/blocking the world out for a while? Might even help you drift off.

If I get past the physical effects of the stress to the point I can start to process the emotions they are blocking then that might change

As ever, you write with a lot of insight. No rush to decide how you might like to act/react anyway. If at all. But glad you're getting some info to work with. Knowledge is power.

Keep on keeping on.

Try these

bioglan.co.uk/products/brain-health/bioglan-calamari-gold-1000mg

I have to be careful with music when I'm raw. Literally unbearable sometimes. So go careful on that.

This awful, awful time will pass. Don't be thinking this is it for the duration: it will pass through. The shock just will romp through your system, try and let it, as desperately uncomfortable as it is at the moment

In a way it's good to have that info as you were in a sea of not knowing wtf happened or why. Things are beginning to piece together - although horrible, at least you know. And you can get the copious creditors off your back. That has to be good.

What a major fuck up that guy is.

Hope you've got plenty of activities/ diversions to keep you occupied over the weekend Dave;-)

I couldn't find the Bioglan in Tesco but I will walk down into town later and try superdrug. Thanks.

I slept 2 hours last night even with the more powerful sedatives. Finally got off at 6am to wake at 8am. I feel physically exhausted right now.

Part of the reason is likely because off the back of the DWP info the other day I found out some information where his new partner has been careless online. I'm not going to drag through every detail here as some is quite raw for me and to be honest it won't help me or anyone else following a similar journey to do so. The short expletive-free version is:

1. As mentioned earlier he cheated with another guy throughout 2013. We reconciled and started to rebuild trust by the end of the year.

2. It has emerged that he started cheating with another guy under almost identical circumstances during the middle of 2014. Constant talking and regular visits to single hotel rooms, etc.

3. It has emerged that he was regularly meeting with multiple 'random' people for sexual encounters. Often groups.

4. Over our time together he has received a very significant sum in cash and gifts from me (managing his debts, helping with support costs, etc - excluding board and rent). At least half since 2013.

5. Some of his friends did not know I existed. They believed he had been in a relationship with the other guy for around 2 years.

That summarises the key facts. I have been working through my own thoughts and memories to reconcile them with the facts. I'll be doing that for a while. The main question I have been able to answer is when it stopped. I'm going to take a happy holiday from 2012 and call the end after that. The time since, for whatever combination of reasons was just a very long, very bloody goodbye.

He is not a stupid person. He understood what he was doing and, cruicially, he understood that it was wrong. He chose to stay, with no intention of putting in the effort to make "us" work. The motive was either deliberate theft or a trapped person. I'm leaning towards the first. Mental health issues played a part in the way it acted out, but they alone are not an excuse for what he has done. His brain still functioned. He knew right from wrong.

So that's one answer found. That's progress, right?

I hope it will let me sleep more easily tonight. Tomorrow night will be drug-free and I'm not sure if I'll get much then.

What a user Dave and you are right MH issues do not prevent you knowing right from wrong.

He's taken advantage of your good nature and generous spirit and you deserve much much better.

He's a player and totally bad news unless both of you want that sort of lifestyle.

I'd give you advice the same as I'd give any woman whose partner was cheating around and can you get yourself checked out at a clinic in case he's brought anything nasty into your relationship.

I had to suffer the humiliation of the GUM clinic and aids tests after finding out my husband preferred the company of prostitutes. At least I knew I had a clean bill of health before embarking on a relationship with anyone else.

What a bastard eh?

try to take comfort from the fact that he's gone and you are not going to waste another moment on someone who doesn't deserve you.

You are still a young man I . Not that age comes into it. I was 56 when I met my lovely man.

Hope you get some more sleep tonight .

Wow. I actually feel sick reading that. I'm so sorry dave

So - it was all calculated. How gut-wrenching. Personality disorder? Sounds like it. Aspergers - pah.

I don't know much about this but do you have grounds for a criminal prosecution here? I don't know under what law but, really, this is right up there. Grand theft!

Darling, I hope this terrible information will in some way help to order your thoughts and eventually give you some rest in your soul. There is NO WAY you, anyone, could have seen someone like that coming - how could anyone possibly suspect something like this was going on?? He's some kind of terrorist, a master criminal. Normal people just aren't like this.

When I got done over by a master emotional/psychological terrorist, I went into therapy. It did me a lot of good xxx

So sorry. This is horrible. springydaffs is right, this is such awful behaviour, and probably calculated awful behaviour, that it should absolve you of any sense that you should have seen it coming or that anything that happened is a reflection on you.

It's horrible when we judge other people by our own standards only to find that theirs are in the gutter, but ultimately it's the only way to live unless we want to be suspicious and mistrustful of everyone we meet. Your only error was not to be a cynical, jaded old miseryguts.

I hope you're starting to realise how much more you deserve.

You poor thing. I will be thinking of you.

Well, I don't know where everbody has gone (away? out?) but thinking of you, dave. Hope you're ok. Hope tonight is more productive xxx

Where are you at? do share if it helps.

Dave, so so sorry. MH does not usually close down a conscience. Putting it simply, I'm afraid he is not a nice person, however attractive or charming. Even If psycho/sociopathic one might say it us jot his fault, but even then he bears responsibility.

On one level I hope this helps. Anger like fire can be v cleansing.

Please go and get yourself checked out. V important. Too many of my friends have done so later than they should have, not a good idea.

Try to get some sleep and if you can, as a method of doing so, count your blessings. It sounds as though you have good friends. Focus on the good.

Hi all,

Nothing really changed for me today in terms of being able to cope with the stress. I still wake up like panicked until I take the first propranalol of the day. I only slept around 4 hours last night, and tonight I can't take any sedatives so I need to do it on my own. I played the morning on that game to keep me busy, then walked to my friend's house this afternoon and sat on his sofa for six hours with my eyes closed listening to the F1 highlights and then him playing a game. I didn't sleep but the rest was probably useful. I ate tea at his house before getting a lift home. Now I'm just killing time on my computer hoping the tiredness will kick in soon so I can run to bed quickly!

I saw myself in a photograph taken yesterday - my god I look terrible. My eyes are like a panda's. I look like a heroin addict.

I just want the life-draining stress to cease so I can start a) sleeping, b) eating and actually tasting my food, c) sleeping some more, and d) start processing the unscalable emotional wall that is still waiting for me to climb just out of my reach.

Thank you for your thoughts . Good night all.

Dave, final thought, for tomorrow. Fresh air and lovely mind numbing exercise. Walking is good. Can you do that? Will help.

Yes, I found walking was my default when my heart was broken. I walked and walked and walked; late night, early morning...

There's activity on here through the night when the Americans/Aussies get going. Also a 'can't sleep' thread on here some where. Do call the Samaritans if you're having a hard time, though. You don't have to be suicidal to call them - I've found them very helpful in the past. If you're not getting on with who you're talking to, put the phone down and dial again.

I do hope you have a peaceful night

Hope today had some bearable bits.

I dind't sleep well last night. I gave up at around 3am and took a tablet to help me with it, so tonight I'm having to substitute my drug free sleeping.

I went to my sister's today (my dad drove me), and sat on her sofa with my eyes closed listening to kids TV for about six hours. I didn't sleep, but my eyes felt better for it. She fed me. I've got horrible gut cramps this evening, but it's probably just the shock of the food?

I'm home now and killing time on that game for a few hours before attempting bed.

Don't forget that 3-4am are known for down thoughts. The 3 o'clock blues.

Yes, stomach cramps after little food. So little and oft is your watchword. Easy to digest. Soup, eggs, bananas, peas, spinach, milky drinks and a biscuit before bed. Limited caffeine and alcohol. Gin is a depressant. Cherish yourself as you would someone else.

I find radio 3 through the night quite soothing.

Hope you get some rest.

Kalms are good. X3 doses per day. I sometimes take 4 at night if I'm wound up (= inadvertently drunk caffeine, which I can't take). I know someone who came off crack using Kalms. Honest!

So sorry to hear last night was a challenge. Roll on to when the initial huge shock begins to wear off and your body escapes the high alert stage.

I am wondering if you might check in to a private health facility for a week/few days? I know people who do this when eg changing AD meds, which can be quite challenging. Ie a private hospital.

I'm unsure whether to post to check how you're doing as it feels like pestering! But I am currently going through a gruelling (finite) health crisis and people hold back, saying 'I don't want to pester you' - to which I say 'please, pester me!!' So - do you want to be pestered? Or not? Just say the word

Though I appreciate you probably feel the gears aren't working too well at the mo and it's not easy to post yourself. I think I speak for us all on here, and your family and friends, when I say we do care

• not necessarily a hospital - I can't think what they're called but somewhere serene and leafy with a medical backdrop...

Please feel free to pester me. It is always a welcome distraction and I'm getting helpful advice as well. :)

Hey dave, hope you got some sleep.

How's the weather where you are? Beautiful sunshine and cool crisp air here. Hope you have something similar.

Do you have any outside space - if not a garden, then a patio, balcony or even just a sunny window sill? I think there's something inherently optimistic about growing things. It assumes that the world will keep turning, the seasons will keep changing and that something can come from nothing. Gardening tasks are good distraction too, and working in the fresh air generates a good tiredness.

Last night I didn't take the sedatives. It was a real struggle. I think I dozed for around 30 mins at a time then would be wide awake for a couple of hours. At 5am I took a Nytol after checking it wasn't going to interact with the other stuff, and around 6am I did finally get off to sleep.

Only to be woken at 11am by my father (he is staying with me at the moment). Then again at noon, and again just now. "Get up, you can't spend all day in bed". FFS. Really? The single most important thing for me at the moment is sleep. I've got an average sleep debt of 5h per night for the last three weeks and you are treating me like a f**king teenager being lazy. I am so pissed off at him. He knows how difficult it is for me to rest. He knows I am taking sedatives to do so. I was in deep sleep too judging from how "tired" I am now rather than just "exhausted". I'm properly tired for the first time in ages, but now can't fall asleep again.

There you go - some anger! Progress.

I've got a headache starting now as well. :(

I'm actually having to have a coffee to bring me out of the zombie state.

So it seems I am not able to fall asleep on my own just yet, but having the nytol instead is helpful because it lets me spread out the sedatives so I can stop worrying about becoming reliant on them.

When I was trying to fall asleep each time last night I was seeing short bursts of fireworks with my eyes closed. I think that is just my brain trying to compensate for the lack of visual input that it has become accustomed too from being awake all the time and nothing to be worried about, is that right? That's probably why I've got the headache this morning? I ought to mention that my eyes are "slower" this afternoon, in that it takes me a fraction of a second to refocus when I move them which feels very weird, but certainly no pain other than the headache creeping in.

MrsLupo, I do have a nice garden. I keep it maintained through the year (usually) as I enjoy gardening and being outdoors. Because I don't have cats I have loads of wildlife in my garden, including a family of hedgehogs which have lived under my shed for three years now producing babies this year. I need to get out and pick the remaining plums and start on the apples but at the moment I don't trust my concentration to be climbing trees yet. There are some nice sitting places in my garden but the memories of my partner and I sitting out there are too fresh. I look at them and it makes me want to cry so I'm avoiding them till I feel I can deal with all that.

I am getting out of the house about once a day for a few hours. Either by walking somewhere because I can't drive like this or to a friend's house for video games or talking (or more often sitting with my eyes closed on their sofa trying to rest).

springdaffs, I understand the sort of place you mean. I have thought about looking privately for somewhere but I haven't a clue where to start or if they would help.

Great to hear from you. You're sounding more with-it in a way. As you say, tired not exhausted so much.

Yay with the anger! My parents also have the same weird thing about sleeping during the day. What's that about, you could sleep for a week, as you would with eg flu. Annoying that people respond to physical illness appropriately but invisible, emotional pain isn't recognised as easily. One could definitely argue it is worse.

Were going to swap places now bcs I'm going to say it may be your dad is protecting you from being awake at night, which is far harder than being awake during the day?
Oh I wish I could think of the type of place you could go to stay. Because, frankly, anywhere would have you if you pay for it. Money extremely well spent imo. No reminders, just rest. Xx

Well this evening has been interesting.

I went to my friend's for tea and they held an intervention. I thought I was doing ok up till now; obviously I don't feel great at the moment but I'm holding in there and I'm speaking to the right people to help me through it and taking proactive rather than reactive steps. I feel I am moving in the right direction, not peddling backwards anymore, and have noticed a marked improvement in my daily self-care activities like eating and washing since I started the meds.

My friends feel differently. I tried to explain that although I feel I ought to be I'm really not that bothered by the fact my partner left now I've had some light shone on the reasons, it's something I can accept even if I don't like it (I have no real choice in the matter, and knowing what I do know I would not want to stay with him). That it is just that the way he did it that came as one hell of a shock to me and it's taking a while for my brain to get back on track. I am seeing my doctor weekly, and I have arranged to see a psychotherapist in a few weeks if I still feel I need it. I haven't had a chance to look into any private care but will do tomorrow so I know the options. But still they have phoned my doctor and asked me to attend an extra appointment tomorrow. This is with my normal GP, not the doctor I have been seeing so far. He's a good doctor when I've seen him in the past, but I'm not sure I'll feel comfortable talking to him about some of these things that I've been feeling over the last few weeks. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Goodness knows how they got an appointment with him so quickly though - I normally have to wait at least a week!

I can take the normal sedative dose tonight so I've done that now so will head to bed in 30 mins. Hopefully I can use some of that tiredness from earlier to get a bit more deep sleep tonight. That's the thing I want more than anything right now - some propper, regenerative rest.

springydafs I think my dad just feels helpless, but unfortunately I find it very difficult to talk to him at the moment. I want to get my sleep pattern shifted back to normal hours again, but the time to do that is when I am actually getting some sleep not before.

Hmmm, you know, you don't have to keep the appointment just because it was made with good intentions, if you don't want to. I must say, you sound more sorted than you have done, and beginning to get some perspective - making some distinctions between how events have made you feel and what you actually think about it all now that the shock is abating. Your friends sound lovely from what you've said on this thread, but if you feel that what they've arranged for you isn't what you want, you should trust your own judgement, imo.

What is it they're hoping will come out of this appointment? Is there something in particular that they want this other GP to do? Or something specific that they want you to do/an assurance they want to elicit?

It's good to have friends that care, but to me the whole concept of an 'intervention' smacks of people trying to force things into a shape that suits them rather than you. Sometimes things just have to play out, however messy it might seem to those on the sidelines. But maybe there are other people here with a better understanding of these things than me.

How do you feel about it?