Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

It's great that you got to the doctors. Stick with it if the medicine takes some time to work as lots are slowly absorbed into the blood stream.

And remember one day at at time.

Keep posting

I feel the beta blockers are helping during the day. I feel less on edge and almost I am still breaking down abou a couple of times a day the feeling I am about it is not quite so frequently. I take two at 10am, one at 2 sam and two are 6pm.

My friends picked me up by surprise and took me to watch a DVD, via that damned supermaket. I went in and hald a walk round on my own. By controlling my breathing and not going to a certain section of the shop to break the routine I didn't get the same heart risinf and shortness of breath again. Nor did I get actual tears, although I had to hold them back in a few places I was perfectly able to do so. I even made a point of visiting/doing some of the things we would do in the shop each time which just felt very, very sad but controllable.

I'm still going to order grocers online next time though, at least for now.

The sedatives seem to he having little effect thuogh so I have taken a double dose tonight (it was suggested 1 or 2 per night as needed) First sedative was at midnight and I go to bed at 1am. Sd I esd still awake at 2am I took another and am going back to bed now If I'm asleep by five and don't wake will ten or later that will be a good night..

His flipping bank phoned again today with a fraud call. They read out the last five transactions made since the weekend. He'd been to the cinema, two tickets, that must have been nice, and he has been buying expensive chocolates which he does not eat. Along with some expensive transactions seem like rent deposits. In all he has spent more money than his income so must be using his first student loan payment which will be about half gone already. Things like that makes me believe he moved right in with someone once he had extracted as much use out of me as possible with getting his PIP appeal outpome confirmed just last Monday. Especially as he visisted the area on the day he left. I'm undercided on that, but when it looks and smells like it then it probably is as he isn't prepared to man up and give any answers.

At least I have had formal comfirmation of his new name. The surname is the name of a guy he spends inordinate amounts of time and money chatting to and occasional holidays to his home town (overseas), whom I never met. It's the same symptom each time he cheats - he falls for someone new, which he can handle because the emptions are very strong during that phase, then when the relatioship moves on to the next stage he will struggle to deal with it and seek out someone knew again. This is the third time, twice with me, so it is unlikely to be the last. He needs specialist support before he even considers a full time relatioship.

Any creditors that ask will be given his new name and the address of the college he is shortly to be a full-time student with and they can chase them for the details. I called the DWP to let them know of the chaage of name as it may help them to track him down so they can sort his claim out.

I remembered something my doctor said to me: because this relationship lasted basically half of my adult life, and was very formative in that it was the process I used to come out to my family, it will be harder for me to deal with at this age than if it has been ten years later. My brain has not developed enough other scenarios it can fall back to to find answers which is why the stress is so overwhelming as it doesn't know what to do. Therefore reading as much as possible can prove helpful once my sleep patterns are improving so my brain can process the information and use it to map what's happening to me. That's what I am hoping the depression and anxiety servive will help me with.

I am going to try and get hold of the book recommended to me above and any others I can find on Amazon too.

I could do without having to field his calls and make his excuses when I don't even know if they are right. I get enough reminders from our shared home and the activities we used to do as it is.

FFS, I've had another call chasing him today, this time from Tesco Bank regarding his recent credit card payment. It sounds like it has failed else why would they call but obviously they wouldn't speak to me. Two things: 1) I didn't even know he had a credit card with Tesco's, he only told me about two others which were the ones I would regularly pay off for his living expenses, and 2) If it has failed, given the bank account I knew he had was topped up with £2k just two weeks ago and the TSB call yesterday indicated he is spending large figures from his hidden account, it sounds like he may have deliberately transfered that money over and abandoned the old account.

I told Tesco that he had gone AWOL and hopefully he would be in contact in the next few weeks to make his back payment and set up a new direct debit. I told them of his new name and approximate location but again can't do anything else as they apparently know more than I do.

I wonder just how many credit cards and loans he has been taking out recently before doing a runner? I have a feeling that won't be the last unknown creditor I hear from in the comming weeks, months and years. That's really hard to reconcile because whilst I knew he was a compulsive liar I never had him down as a thief. But given I am having to make up my own answers to these questons...

And I wonder why he did not learn from the time he did exactly this ten years ago and then spent six years of (my) stress sorting out all the mess and repaying everybody because changing your name does not release you from your debts.

Rant over...

I've got an initial appointment with the local depression/anxiety service at the end of September. I'm lucky for that - the initial estimate was December. I recognise the name of the person I will be seeing from his paperwork about a year ago when we were sorting out his own access to the service for anxiety. I don't think he saw her again but it will be awkward if he has discussed his plans with this person as part of his weekly support meetings.

The beta blockers still seem to be settling some of the physical symptoms like the shaking, etc. I'm still crying at irrational things. I'm starting to feel hungry around mid afternoon yesterday and today. Still the only time I have eaten since he left was when my friends have taken me out for dinner or have kindly cooked something small for me. I didn't eat at all yesterday but I have been staring at a plum on my desk all day today so will try and eat that in a bit. It's such a shame - all that fresh fruit ripening in the garden is being eaten by insects because I haven't harvested it. I can't face that right now. How stupid is that? I can sit at my desk looking out the window at them but can't find any motivation to walk ten yards and pick them.

I slept from around 4am through till 10:30am this morning. That's good. Six and a half less hours to have to fill today.

I'm visiting my friend tonight to watch a DVD or something like that, then Saturday/Sunday I will be on my own as they are going to a wedding. That will be a fun couple of days.

A quick question -
What do I do with the V5 certificate for his car, which was left behind? Should I just send it to the DVLA along with a note that the owner has moved and I do not have a forwarding address, or should I just ignore it? What will happen with the car if there is no registered owner's address? The tax will be up November and obviously the reminder will come to my home, although I think he can apply online to pay it without the reminder now, without prompting I doubt he will do it. Insurance too - as only an occassional named driver on a policy in my name I'm required to tell the insurance company that the place it is kept has changed, but I can't update it so it would need to be cancelled? As you can't keep a car without insurance anymore what happens then? Do they flag it up for seziure when it is next seen on ANPR?

Stupid, stupid man for creating all these completely unecessary problems for himself. And dragging me under with him. The thing is he won't be giving a second thought to any of these problems until they come up and bite him. His coping mechanism is to ignore all problems until they blow up and he has no choice. Then he runs away and the cycle repeats.

His car is his problem. Seriously. It has been such a short time but start trying to detach a little from the role of his problem-solver.

How about you work out a standard response for every call, letter, whatever concerning his finances, etc? Sorry, he doesn't live here, try x near x. All mail gets send in return, all paperwork us returned to where it came from.

After so many years it is going to take time, but he has to sort his life out himself from now on.

That is a good idea. In the morning I will write down a simple statement I can read out along those lines each time, and another I can send by post if they chase it up. Up untill now I mentioned he moved to Plymouth and gave his new name, but I haven't given the name of the college out in the end because I don't see that they would be able to help them due to the DPA anyway.

I'll think about the car. Losing it could cause serious hardship if it stops him attending his support services meetings. As I can't support him they are the only support he will get. Hopefully, if they have any sense they will deal with it for him, but I suspect they've helped his plan this anyway and clearly not done a vert good job. There is always a slim chance he mght realise that he needs to sort out that (and other proceedual things) and get back in touch. I think that is unlikely through because he has never had to do any of that himself in the past - it was always done for him. Otherwise it will be for him to explain to a magistrate should he cause an accident, and a fine/points when the renewal is missed.

I jumped straight onto two sleeping tablets tonight taken together which is the max dose I can take. I'm going to head off early in the hope they knock me out quickly. They are more addictive in high volumes though so once I've had some better quality sleep I'll have to revert to one per night.

I ate a small meal at my friend's tonight too refuel. More than I've eaten in two days. I swear I even tasted it too.

Tomorrow my sister is coming down to see me for a bit late morning. I think I might be able to bag another friend in the evening for something to stay occupied, otherwise I can always fall back to the game.

My brother left my sister in law in a similar way last year, I can't shed any light on his motivations as he won't discuss it with anyone. Of course he had a new girlfriend lined up, but it was a cowardly and selfish way to end things.

I'm sorry someone did it to you too.
Make sure you aren't tied together financially any more. You need to take care of all those practical things.
I really wouldn't go onto dating sites to talk to people, you are vulnerable right now and you could make some bad choices and end up more hurt. x

You have had a major shock. It is going to take time to process what has happened. Don't worry about closure and moving on and finding someone new now. It will take weeks and possibly months to work through what has happened. Just take it a day at a time and let things work themselves out in your mind at their own speed.

Sorry you are in this awful situation.

You say he has mental health issues but from what you have said, although he obviously has problems refusing to deal with any negative emotions, it all seems very planned and controlled. He knew exactly what he was doing, now, and when he met you.
You seem surprised he would do this again but in a way you enabled it. You paid his debts and paid off his CCs each month, he lived for free and had everything he needed.

It was you who suffered those consequences, not him. Just like its you who is suffering now. He knows damn well how much shit it could leave you in but chooses to ignore the crap by just petending to be someone else!

He will end up in prison for fraud. You just need to make sure any financial ties are well and truely cut.

This stage is the worst, just take it a day at a time, you will get there.

OP I am so sorry, you must feel so sad. The only thing I can think to comfort you , is it isn't you , because people have patterns of behaviour and you yourself said its his MO to leave abruptly. People even with mental health issues will have patterns, good or bad that they just can't help repeating, even if they know they do it and sometimes wish they didn't. You sound a really lovely caring person, he was lucky to have you - and maybe he just needs to follow his pattern and one day you will find a lovely person who will be a soulmate and treasure you as well.

Oh love, how awful. Mh issues or not, it's cruel and cowardly to pretend everything's the same then just go. He sounds very irresponsible and lets other people sort things out for him. As long as they do, he gets away with it. I would detach and let him sort it out, he doesn't care so why should you? He hasn't even called or anything to ask how you are. If he was really struggling or unhappy in the relationship he should have said, tried to sort it out or made a decent end of it. That's what a responsible adult would have done.

Time to put yourself first, sounds like you haven't for years. Could you sign up to a course, adult education classes are starting? What things are you interested in? You have a few weeks off to really think about it. Be good to yourself.

I can't drive at the moment so I'm having to rely on friends to collect me, or walk if it is close by. I've never really been one for adult education classes - I tend to learn more easily by researching and trying out myself. I think I would find one very boring.

Without any answers I can only make them up. I am 80% certain that he has probbaly run off with someone else. He would not be able to financially support himself and the amounts of money he has been spending is not sustainable even if he is maxing out lots of credit cards. There are two many sililarities to the last time he was planning it a few yers ago, except that time I found out in advance because his 'other' partner posted a photo on twitter when they returned from a holiday to gran canaria... that I paid for... for the 'other' partner's 21st birthday...

At that time I was preparing to have his belongings in boxes ready for him to collect but we talked it through over a couple of weeks and when he was able to express himself he did appear genuine in wanting to rebuild the trust and try again. Which we did and seemed to be making progress.

The year leading up to that was filled with spending hours and hours talking to the same person online, sending them money and gifts pretty much every week, going on trips to see them about once a month, acting more and more withdrawn and less eagre to do activities we both enjoyed. Most obviously though, largely because of the Asperger's, he would regularly ask me questions like "Would you be sad if you woke up and I wasn't here tomorrow?" and "Do you love me?". (I would tell him multiple times a day anyway - it was one of his coping mechanisms to ask.)

Since then he walked out one other time for a few hours. He couldn't cope with the stress of his old workplace and tipped over, fleeing to a local friend. I did the same and visited my friend and started making arrangements in my head for a clean break. He called me up crying, frantically begging me to come back. We discussed the reasons and again it seemed like he was genuine and we built on it.

The same signs were present through this year too, with hindsight. The excessive talking, spending (my) money like it was burning him, trips to see the same friends (as recent as last month). There was also the increase in his depression (which he was receiving treatment for), and I would find him alone on the bed when I came home from work 2-3 times a week. He would also come over and hug me on the sofa where I sat to talk to him in the evenings in recent months, which was unusual. Almost like a young child who goes and hugs their parent after they've done something wrong because they can't say "sorry". He wouldn't say anything, just hug me for ten minutes, and often after talking to "this person" on skype.

I don't recall if I have already mentioned this, but for anyone following the story it has emerged that he actually changed his name the week before leaving. That was the same time he decided to randomly sort and launder all his clothes and start shredding bank statements. I helped him sort his clothes too. After that he took me to the cinema to see a film we'd be waiting for, and had me buy him materials for his university course next week which he left on his desk when he took everything else. Such an odd way to act when he had already made up his mind. The trip he made on the day he left was to arrange student housing, I have no doubt about that at all. I also have no doubt that he must have been saying some interesting things about me to his mental health support workers because he would have needed their support to arrange anything. He last met them the day before he left.

I am left with the uneasy feeling that the timing of the leaving would have been quite a bit sooner had we not had to fight for 18 months all the way to an appeal to get him a PIP award. (Both for the money and the priorty access it gives him to further support.) The timing is too coincidental, especially given how some of the planning had occured beforehand with new credit cards and loans taken out in November last year.

I am sorry if this offends anyone but in all honesty if one person has Asperger's in a relationship you need to accept that rather than all problems being halved, they are doubled. Whichever side of the partnership you are. I just don't think it is possible to have a healthy relationship where one partner cannot feel empathy or trust. It can only end with cruelty and resentment.

It's ironic in a way because one trait of Asperger's is supposed to be honesty and integrity...

In reality they shut things away when they can't cope, and his mechanism was to build lies around them so he didn't have to face them. Talking online to people is a good outlet for people with those needs because they don't have to deal with the social norms that rule normal conversation. It also makes them feel wanted/understood/even loved to have someone who listens. It is likely no coincidence that the people he would befriend online, and the guy he cheated with before and possibly the guy he may be with now, are all very young adults (19-21) and all a little socially awkward. They'll still be naive to the big nasty world, still defining their own identities (particularly if they have grown up gay), and he would have listened and made them feel wanted. I remember how easy it was to fall in love at that age. I could do it once a week with anyone who showed any interest in me at all.

I'm saddened to say that whilst he was a good, kind person underneath all the torment and difficulties, I don't think I could ever be with another person with similar mental health issues. You accept that you need to make up 200% of the effort because you love them, any good person would do the same without a thought, but it is so draining. So frustrating. So cruel. I've aged 20 years in the last 10. It seems people are frequently telling me I am such a strong person but if that is the case and he's managed to break me so badly then I'm just not going to put myself in that position again. For both our benefits. I still can't see a path through this for myself.

It's sad to think that I am housebound, unable to drive and having to take drugs just to physically function hour to hour, waiting for my first appointment with a counseller and facing the possibility of losing my job if I don't get better quickly; whilst he was able to go on a date a few days later to watch the film I was going to take him to see to celebrate him starting university. I wish I could close off and rebuild so quickly.

And to top it off, I've been fighting off a cold the past few days which has me coughing in pain today. I can't take any of the usual medicines to relieve the symptoms because they either contain alcohol or specifically warn not to use with beta blockers.

I haven't eaten today, but I have been drinking more water because of the coughing. Because I am ill I won't be seeing any friends today but I will try and have something later this afternoon.

I don't understand why you took him back the first time if you knew he had been chatting to/visiting this other person for a year?! Why did you pay for his/their holiday that you weren't going on?
I know you excuse much of his behaviour with his aspergers, but he sounds to me like he knew exactly what he was doing. You have spent so much time and i'm guessing a ridiculous amount of money on this guy for years. Do not waste any more on him.
He was a user. And an arsehole.

You need to eat, take care of yourself and get slowly back to your own life.
Yes it hurts like fuck now, and will do for a while BUT it will get better.

I agree. He's a child and a user. Issues aside, he knew what he was doing. For somebody supposed to be so ill and helpless, he's moved on very quickly. What exactly did you get from this relationship?

From the detail in your text it seems there are plenty of clues as to why he left. It's painful but hang on I. There
Years ago I dated someone who was in the army. He left to go back on tour, last text was "love you, too
Much" I never heard from him again.
I had a bad car accident two weeks afterwards, rang his mum to get her to tell him as I was in a bad way but still didn't hear from him.
To this day ten years on I have no idea what happened. It took me a long time to get over how someone can do this and felt the same, why didn't he just end it? It was really cruel to text that and do that and talking about it now still is sad to me as I really loved him.

It's very cruel to walk away with no explanation. The cowards way out. You never get the answers you need and are always left wondering.

isitreallymeidontknow, I'm so sorry to hear that. It seems that the lack of firm closure - a reason (any reason) to explain what happened, stops the grieving process from "working" properly. Like when a child goes missing and the parents don't know if they are safe or not. Until that answer comes your mind doesn't let go. Love is a powerful thing. Ten years on for you and you are still feeling it.

stayanotherday, you ask what I got from the relationship. A simple answer: I got to share my life with someone I love. The "issues" that an outside pair of eyes can see don't and won't change that. When you love someone you do so with their flaws intact.

ijustwannadance, I took him back the first time for the same answer I gave above. I also geuninely believed that despite him going into it eyes open he expressed regret at having done it, not just at having being caught, which is an important distinction. I know it sounds weird.

Asperger's is a cruel condition. A sufferer can be almost completely "normal" yet unable to function socially, and in sad cases become completely aware of their own issues. This guy was like that. He couldn't tell appropriate from inappropriate without help. That is why he had dedicated support workers to help him, not just me. I don't believe he acted maliciously - I think he simply did not comprehend the consequences. It just didn't enter his mind.

Or he could be a twisted cruel-minded f**k. But having known him for so long, having helped clear through his past, and having sat with his physchologists in private and discussed his behaviour/traits at depth, I don't think that is the case. As I said before though with no answers I'm having to trace back through my memories and recode every day.

That is not an excuse for how he has acted BTQ. He absolutely knew that was the wrong way to handle it because, given his past, it was an exact scenario we had discussed before to ensure that, if the time to split came, it would be done "healthily".

I don't think i can edit the above? "BTQ" should be "BTW".

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP.

We’re very sorry to say we don’t allow posts like this on Mumsnet, so we’re going to delete it now.

Please do contact the Samaritans if you need to, by emailing [email protected] or calling 08457 90 90 90. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

I understand that when you love somebody, you love them regardless. I'm so sorry you feel like this, it's understandable. Hope you enjoyed you managed to get out and about. It is the fact that somebody can just walk away after seven years without a backward glance so there's no proper end. You are left re-hashing it over and over again. He did leave clues but as he's ill and said nothing, even after agreeing he would talk about things, you were left to play guessing games. In my experience people who go from one relationship to the next, leaving a trail of mess behind them, never grow up.

It's the endless hours and hurt that is so difficult. Could you make a list of things you'd like to do to look after yourself? Books, dvd's or talk radio? As you've some time off work, could you go on a short break?

I've just noticed your post got deleted. Personally I saw nothing wrong with it. You've expressed yourself honestly and intelligently. You've been polite. Please keep us updated. Thinking of you.

Hope you're feeling a bit better now OP. Step by step

stayanotherday, indeed I read through the guidelines beforehand and thought I had avoided anything contentious? My aim was to provide helpful information to others who find themselves in the same situation, and to remind them where to find help and the signs they should look out for because they can creep up out of nowhere without you noticing. I had my support plan worked out - when I recognise the symptoms I contact my friend immediately. Embarassement, guilt, desperation, etc, are secondary to having someone to talk to. He also agreed that should anything happen to me, deliberate or otherwise that means I can't post he would come on and complete it. That would include if I don't start to change and take myself off to residential care for counselling and treatment. But as I said, one day at a time, hour by hour. I'm fortunate to have the option of going into private care on short notice if needed. I feel like a driug-addiacted rockstar!

There's no point me asking for advice on here if I don't correctly explain how I am feeling. It would be confusing, and misleading to anyone who reads this thread from a similar situation and is looking for help.

For anyone who dind't see the original message the basic summary was that I unexpectedly found myself dwelling on unhelpful thoughts (namely suicide), why I felt they had appeared out of nowhere, and how I dealt positively with them. All decribed in such a way to prompt others in that situation to seek help first and think later. I even mentioned the samaritans website as a good resource for those who find it easier to read than phone.

As for toniht, I only went for a short walk this evening as it got dark more quickly than I was expecting. Not sure if it helped. I find I can walk for miles now and not get tired at all. I feel if I could get the energy into the muscles I could probably walk a marathon without stopping and not feel the effects. Strange thing stress. I wonder if it is the beta blockers?

No zopiclone tonight as I feel exhausted enough that I hope I can get off to sleep unaided. If I'm still up at 3am I will take one. The doctor said to take 1-2 each night but the data sheet said it's better to take them as needed than through routine because dependencies can form in as little as two week. I don't want to gain a drug addiction!

Today I took the computer hard drives he wiped, damaged them and put them with the recycling (kerbside electricals). I also did the same with a laptop drive he didn't wipe that I know he took with him when he cheated a couple of years back. Given what I have learned since about the lies he told there is a chance that I might fall over and try and recover data from them (it's my job). There was also an old phone left behind which likely had his contacts on. I took it apart and destroyed the memory chips. (The screen was broken so worthless.) It beeped sadly as I did it like it was still receiving skype alerts. Gone now. I never checked up on him while we were together and I'll be damned if I am going to let my unhealthy mental state at the moment break that. I've got to hold onto my trust in myself - it is the only thing I still have and that is mine to give not his to take.

Once the phyiscal effects subside I hope that through time, therapy, and as a last resort drugs, I can start to grieve normally and build on/move on from another life experience. My big fear is loosing my trust and becoming that checking up partner who asks for an itinerary each time they go out and to see all receipts. That's not an equal partnership and is doomed from the start. I don't want to end up not being able to trust someone again. I don't see the situation coming up again (gay men get dropped like flies when they reah 30) but for my self-worth I need to keep that trait alive.

I don't know where I would got a short break, or what I would do. Books at the moment are a no-go. I tried some hobby magazines but I just can't hold my concentration. TV in the evenings is a bit raw at the moment because the only things that I find worth watching are the things we used to watch together. And day time TV... well I already feel depressed enough. I'm trying to keep the bedroom neutral to help me rest. I've boxed up and removed all the little personal effects you build up over the years and removed pictures, etc. The only thing I still have is that teddy bear present I mentioned earlier which I can cope for now. Without that the room would be completely bare and even more depressing! I found he had rifled through the laundry baskets and removed his dirty washing. I ordered some of the essentials (pants, socks, etc) which should arrive tomorrow or wednesday. That way I can avoid doing the washing for a bit.

I realised I hadn't cleaned our/my aquarium for two weeks. It is marine and hugely automated so the filtration carries on regardless but it needed cleaning and I have lost some corals so the water params have changed. It's so frsutrating to sit next to it and not find the motivation to do anything. I'm trying to grab some to at least look after the tank. I'm responsible for caring for hundreds of animals, so I need to find it for them. I suppose they are my children, and you always find the motivation to look after your children no matter what life throws at you. Took me two weeks to clean it thorouh. Thank goodness I built in so much automation.

Tomorrow: Phone for doctor appointment on Thursday. Take first 2 propranolol of the day, then sit and do nothing. The game I was playing is boring me now I've completed the story mode and I need to find a new one.

Talk radio unfortunately drives me up the wall. It's mainly because of the topics they talk about which are deliberately chosen to create arguments. I'd love to listen to Radio 2 again but I can't deal with the reminders just yet. Music has an amazing ability to connect right into your deepest memories and bring them alive. For now they are a bit too recent - I need to focus on the next few hours at a time.

Haven't read the full thread yet Dave but I know your pain, shock and grief.

It's like you've had the shock of a bereavement yet theresno body and no ritual of mourning or funeral. It really is the very worst case scenario. Infact their death would have been easier to cope with wouldn't it because then you wouldn't have had all their negative dee,ings about your relationship wiped all over you.

My exh walked out on me Dave. He sent me a letter which arrived while I was at work. I wouldn't have made it out of the door if it had arrived sooner.

You feel like you've been slammed into a brick wall don't you. I was crying down the phone to my children like some injured animal. The emotional pain was so raw. It's the most despicable act done by cowards who haven't matured enough to take responsibility for their feelings. They are so self obsessed with what they want, what they think, what they will do they literally don't give a shit about the effect their selfish act has on someone they once loved and cared for.

Their death would have been preferable.

Plan A
1 cry as much as you need to. Howl and rage as much as you want. A lot of it will be pent up anger mixed with grief. Shout at him and call him all the little shits under the sun, because he is.

2 can you get to a gym where you can do some kickboxing and sparring. You need to get all that anger out. Suppressed anger leads to depression. You can imagine you are kicking his sorry little arse to the kerb while you do it.

3 talk. To anyone who will listen. The Samaritans, excellent service and much underrated. Also a counsellor at relate just to be sure there's no patterns in your behaviour that attract needy, selfish little shits!

4,food. Nice simple things that will sustain you , easy to prepare, easy to eat. Convent garden soups spring to mind.

5 soothing meditational type music. You don't want anyone warbling on about broken hearts, the last time I saw your face,hearts will go bleeding rubbish
right now. Classical maybe!

6 herbal etc to aid sleep. Melatonin. Valerian. Lavender.