Help needed to deal with partner running off without explaining why

[lostdave]

Hello Mumsnet members.

I could really do with some friends to listen and give advice if you can.

The short version:

I am a 32 year old gay man who came home yesterday to find my loving partner of seven years left while I was at work (fiancé of four years but unmarried). He cleared out all of his clothes and most of his other possessions. I received a text message the moment I pulled onto my drive stating “You won’t see me again, don’t blame yourself. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Please don’t have any contact with me.”

My situation is not unique – separation is a part of life that almost everyone will have to deal with – but I find myself struggling given the unexpected nature in which he left. I know I need to grieve the loss but not understanding why it happened is blocking me. I don’t know how to start.

The longer version:

He is a vulnerable person, in that he has various mental health conditions that play on each other. He has been suicidal in the past, including within the last month, primarily when he does not have one-to-one support available, but I don’t yet feel he is a risk to himself in this situation because of the relatively controlled manner of his leaving. (I mention this because it may help to explain some of his odd behaviours to those of you who have not experienced or supported someone with mental health conditions.)

I have no means of contacting him because I believe he has destroyed his sim card and I don’t know any of his local friends. I know he has gone to stay with one while he finds student housing (he is about to start at university in two weeks). He left me a skype text message telling me so before deleting me from his contacts. Prior to yesterday he lived with me in my house.

He has done this before – not to me but to two previous partners he lived with and left out of the blue with no contact. There is no need to go into the full details why, but I do want to highlight that at least a part of that reaction is due to his mental health conditions, not necessarily because he is a horrible person. He does not feel empathy in the “usual” way and cannot cope with daily stresses.

Because I knew about those past cases we agreed very early on in our relationship that if he felt himself in that same corner again he promised he would talk to me about it in the first instance so, if needs be, I could ensure he had access to the right support.

There have been no arguments (we didn’t argue, ever) and certainly never any violence or the like.

Obviously I did not sleep last night. The hindsight processing kicked in on overdrive and would not let me rest. I’ve identified various behaviours in recent weeks, and even going back months, that indicate he may have been planning this for a while rather than it being a kneejerk reaction. (That is why I don’t feel he is a risk to himself just yet.) These behaviours include:

• Securely wiping the hard drives in his PC and using his laptop exclusively.
• Making lots of phone calls when I am not around, and if I come home early he will end his calls immediately
• Opening a new bank account (we didn’t share anyway, but as he was unemployed I was paying his bills via his other account), and arranging for his PIP allowance to be paid into his new account. I believe his student loan will also go into that account. I have reasonable cause for believing he may have transferred money from his credit cards into that account as well, and plans to abandon them as he has done in the very distant past.
• Me receiving a phone call last week from his university to confirm his address in a nearby town, which he claimed was a mistake from UCAS (although he has received plenty of correspondence to this address throughout the application process).
• Sorting through his wardrobes and laundering all of his clothes at the weekend (which has never happened before)
• Shredding boxes of old papers like bank statements, etc., at the weekend.
• Acting very withdrawn, and often accusing me of being withdraw towards him when I am not consciously doing so.

Now I expect many of you will be thinking “affair” after that list. Probably even shouting it loudly. I can’t rule that out. Unlike investments past behaviour is a good indicator of a person’s future and he has cheated once before.

In a way I want that to be the reason because that brings closure. I’m not convinced though because his social awkwardness means he does not meet new people. He may just have been arranging to leave.

What I don’t understand is yesterday started as a normal day. We fell asleep cuddling the night before. I woke up first and went in and sat with him for a few minutes at the bedside before leaving for work to talk about what he would do that day and we parted saying “I love you” with a kiss. I chatted with him briefly via Skype messages over lunch which all seemed normal and then I arrive home to that text message and an emptied house.

I don’t regret our lives together – I have always known that the joy of love will be balanced by the pain of loss, whether through someone leaving through choice or passing on. It’s part and parcel of life and the universe where everything is equally opposed and without that pain it would not mean as much.

I am less than 24 hours in since the initial shock. I have no idea what stage I am at but I feel that I need to grieve because seven years of unconditional love and support grows to define you and I can’t just erase it. But I don’t know how to grieve because I don’t have any closure. I feel like he has gone missing and I am in limbo. My world is closing in around me. I am erratically shaking all over and breaking into tears because I don’t know what to do.

I ought to make one thing clear – if he wants to contact me I will listen to him, but I am not going to become a cyber-stalker and track him down if he does not want contact with me. I just cannot deal with that.

I have spoken with a close friend. I visited them last night for a few hours as I needed somewhere to go that wasn’t our home but I can’t become “that friend” who always arrives unannounced and becomes a burden. I do believe strongly that talking about pain, hurt and confusion with others can help to heal you. Looking after your mental health is so important. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet over the years and found lots of useful advice. I’ve read through some of the articles too. I never thought I’d be turning here with my own story!

If you have made it through the longer version, then thank you so much for sparing your time to hear me. If you can offer any advice that can help me start grieving I would be very grateful.

I do agree in principle that things have to play out, however messy. It's something of a mantra with me.

But. If you're 'looking like a heroin addict', as you say, you're not sleeping, you've had some alarming thoughts (understandably), it may be that checking in with a gp may be beneficial. I know, I know, they're not my favourite people - but they are powerful, do know their (basic) stuff, and can get some things on the road that you hadn't previously considered. That's because they're trained in ways we aren't and have the power to access things we don't.

You say you like and respect this gp so I would go along just to check in and get on the system. You can be relatively non-commital, stand back, to see what the GP has to say or offer. ime of MH difficulties (or, rather, emotional health difficulties due to horrible life experiences in my case), GP practises can follow up with some practises that may feel irrelevant eg surveys etc (eg 'In the past 2 weeks, have you wanted to harm yourself/others') but they have to get their funding and therefore do their research (and funding for MH is abysmal so I go along with it though may not answer enitrely accurately in order to chivvy funding along).

GPs can be a bit ham-fisted sometimes, so try not to take an ignorant approach seriously. They have access to some valuable stuff and are, fortunately or unfortunately, the gatekeepers. Sometimes you have to go through that portal to get to some good-quality stuff.

I'd give it a go just to see what they have to offer. S/he will no doubt offer CBT in the first instance - and, although you currently could do with some urgent, focused treatment because you are in crisis, CBT skills are not to be sniffed at: good, solid bedrock skills for mental/emotional health. You won't be offered counselling on the NHS - or at least not for months; and even then it will be a short course.

I'd go along with it to present yourself f2f, as the alert has gone up and they may want to follow that up. You could also ask about private 'rest care' while you're there.

Ultimately though it's your call. Of course! Your friends care, even if it's been a shock to have others make what appear to be drastic moves on our behalf. That in itself can feel quite threatening when we already feel we're hanging on by a thread.

Glad to hear you're beginning to feel the boat isn't bucking quite as much as it was. Things do stabilise eventually ime. This too shall pass and all that - it always does. xx

I'm thinking a week inthe sunshine Dave. It's amazing how crap youcan feel with a vitd3 deficiency.

I lays Sleep better after some holiday sunshine on my skin. Tenerife is great this time of year. Plenty of chilling, plenty to see and do.

Do you fancy trying to see if there's anything last minute.

Just a change OF place makes an enormous difference and the sunshine will revitalise you.

Last night I slept from 4am through till 1pm.

That's SEVEN HOURS!!! I dreamt so it was propper sleep, and I woke up over about five minutes not immediately in a panic. :D

My eyesight is not as limited this morning (still slow but I can focus with straining). No headache today.

Sleep is a wonderful thing.

springydaffs, most of the things you mention like CBT, etc are already on the boards with my referal to the anxiety and depression service ina couple of weeks (it was mentioned on their flyer, they seem to do all sorts). I will ask about any private services he thinks I should access as I think he will know more about any local ones that I will.

I have the same questionaires you mention to take along to my referral; they sound like the standard ones that are used by doctors all over the world. I've not answered them yet because I think the answers I give now could be different to those in another two weeks.

I do feel more stable. I don't think that is just me trying to reassure myself. I do genuinely believe that whilst they may only be tiny changes in the larger scheme the little things like falling into deeper sleep and remembering to drink 2-3 pints of water through the day are not entirely down to the meds alone.

I've started taking single doses of the beta blockers in the afternoon and evening with only doubles in the morning when the adrenaline levels normally shoot up. (The prescribing doctor said I could try when I felt I could, I didn't just decide). It has coincided with the deeper sleeping. I know one of the side effects of taking propranalol can be distrubed sleep so I am going to mention this to my normal GP today to see if taking them at a different time or even not having any after say 2pm might help me to sleep. They are only tiny doses so it might just be coincidence (10mg each - many people who use them take 160mg per day).

Glad you slept better.

Sleep is a marvelous tonic.

Sunshine promotes melatonin which is the hormone that promotes good sleep. Have you noticed how youfeelsleepy inthe sunshine.sunshine makes melatonin which we use at night to aid deep sleep.

I take it every evening but that I make in the sunshine is better.

Dave have you got your bedroom pitch black. Turn off any led lights, tv, phone chargersetc. Try to get your room as dark as a cave. Eyeshades I know! Really cool! But a dark room preserves your melatonin.

One Tenerife holiday I woke up the second day after the previous day in the sun and it was 10-30 am. I'd had 10.5 hours sleep. I thought all my birthdays had come at once.

The room had amazing shutters so the room was as black as night.

Just putting on the light to go to the loo can disturb your melatonin.

Looks like you can buy it again in the uk

biovea.net/UK/results.aspx?ag=melatonin&ti=g-melatonin&c=n&gclid=Cj0KEQjwsb-vBRCLj7TvqpGx_MoBEiQALgFGnsu84h8Tny5-UxzxnawLAbTCRh4TEhWGAXv6BYQkbk4aAlxr8P8HAQ

It wasn't available for ages. I brought mine back from florida

That's great news you slept so well! Brilliant

I sleep extremely well dowser (after some very troubled sleep indeed for about 10 years so I'm not crowing!) and my curtains are thin white cotton! How does that work then?

Hope it went well with gp today Dave. Re sunshine - i'm holding out for an Indian summer by the power of my will . My ??xperience of heartbreak and foreign sunshine holidays didn't go so well tbh. Needed to be home and around the familiar? Maybe later on though - you're already making great strides in quite a short time (tho it seems like an eternity at the time...). What did gp say about the beta blockers? What you say makes sense about taking them earlier in the day.

I hope you're on the up now and things continue to settle. Yes I do think you are naturally settling, it's not your imagination. You may have a short blip at some point but try to glide through it and not take it seriously, you are definitely healing. Looks like you probably got the pain front-loaded, whereas for some it is a slow burn? Everyone is different, every situation is different - tho I'm always wary when people say 's/he's taking it so well!' I can't help thinking uh-oh, watch out. It's got to come out somewhere..

Well done btw. You're doing so well. You've faced such a hard thing

Not sure springy daffy. The place we stay in in Tenerife has thin curtains too and I sleep very well there.

I sure the fact that I'm in the sunshine for a large part of the day helps and the fact that I have no stress there all helps.

Maybe you are getting things right for you . Maybe you did something for ten years that interfered with your sleep pattern.

I know I stay on my iPad till too late at night. Who knows what that does to our brains.

I asked the doctor about metalonin supplments yesterday evneing and he said that for now he doesn't think they are necessary. The exercise is more important for me, which is good because having to walk everywhere means I'm getting more than I was used to. There is likely no advantage to me seeking out private therapy yet; I should see what the initial assesment with the depression and anxiety service throws up because locally they are highly rated. It's only another 18 days to wait now till that assessment.

Progress wise, if you can measure such a thing (which as springydaffs mentions you can't, not really), he is not concerned that anything worrying is progressing. I did explain to him about the thoughts I had over the bank holiday weekend and he believed the same as me - it was a one off occurance and nothing to be concerned about longer-term. I'm not currently depressed. Stressed and anxious, yes, and very very tired but not depressed. I'd already identified when it was creeping up and the second time and called my friend to head it off. I can even go in to the surgery any time during opening hours and speak to someone which is reassuring to know as an extra option should I need it.

I think I would call my friend if needed, but I'm a bit more cautious now after he spoke with other friends because certain information I shared was only only for him and was extremely difficult/uncomfortable for me to share. I understand his motives clearly (I would probably have done the same thing, but I feel I would have discussed it with him first even if not giving any choice to stop it) but it does make me feel more cautious to share details that might end up being used to treat me differently. I mentioned about trying to avoid that awkwardness where your friends and colleagues deliberately don't ask how you are, or talk about any problems they are having because they don't want to upset you. I do not want to get put into that position. I also don't want to burden my friends with becoming my carer. I can only just take the professional care; it has been hard to do as I have always been so independant.

I feel my friends intervened because they don't really understand how I am processing what has happened, and what is physically happening at the moment. None of them have been in that situation themselves, so just like me they are reacting to a lot of it as it happens. They only see the hate-side whereas I am trying to seperate the parts I should be angry at and the parts I want to keep as memories, which can get exhausting sometimes and puts me into the ludicrous position of having to defend things my partner did just to hold on to the better bits. That's not helpful. I need to split them out between the I knew and love/d and the other person that lived alongside him the final few years. I need to do that for my own sanity - if I don't I'm scared I'm going to end up mistrusting everybody and turning into a jealous, controlling person, which is the opposite of who I want to be.

It's also probably not helped for them because I'm a pretty logical and analytical person. Like it was discussed earlier in this thread, my normal reaction when faced with something new or difficult is to pick it up and examine it before reacting. That can give others the impression that I am blocking it or not dealing with it properly. I can't change the way I process things - it's just the way my brain works. Trying to force me to cry and shout about something isn't really going to help me. It would be crying and shouting at the frustration of being told to do something so counterproductive, not resolving the real cause.

Today I slept reasonably. Not as good as the night before but from 3am through till 7am unbroken and then as I felt tired two further patches until noon of about an hour each with some resting. I didn't take the first propranalol until noon as whilst still tired I could feel the edginess creeping in so my body was starting to wake up properly.

I think the most positive part is that I got to sleep at 3am. That 3-7 sleep would have been 6-10 this time last week, so my body clock might just be swinging back towards normal hours. Ok its a bit soon to be sure, but I hope it is because that will be critical for me to start working again when I need to sleep 11pm-7am.

Your thread resonated with me. I lost my husband around the same time as your partner left. He committed suicide, and didn't leave a note, so no answers. Like your DP, he suffered with his MH, schizoaffective disorder.

I'm also on the same meds as you - beta-blockers and Zopiclone. I found the Zopiclone made me feel worse, they weren't helping me sleep, just making me feel like a zombie the following day, and leave a metallic taste in the mouth. Which doesn't help when your taste-buds aren't co-operating.

Whilst you have some time off work, take your sleep whenever you can. It heals. Eating - what a fucking mission. Small rabbit sized bites; but get the food down you quickly, before your stomach changes it's mind With soup to help it down. If you can't manage that, full fat milk. Gives me the shits, but hey ho, my digestive system needs a kick start right now.

You'll get through this sweet pea.

• And keep talking to your GP, MH worker, friends, anyone. My beautiful and gentle little Hubby decided to take his own life in a split second. Any intrusive thoughts are just that. They're not your thoughts. Impossible to reason rationally with those kind of thoughts. You have lovely people around you who would be devastated if you weren't in the mix of their lives. Don't deprive them of yourself.

It's obvious from your posts that you cared for, and still care for your DP deeply. You have the ability to care, and that is a wonderful thing. It's a gift, but one that can bite at times.

I ask you to keep away from dual carriageways and motorways for the time being please.

Random, i'm so sorry you are facing such a terrible loss

So much suffering in life sometimes. Ime it can open up - eventually! - to immense peace, even a capacity for great joy. How does that work! Perhaps a lot of extraneous stuff, worries and concerns, simply drop off for good.

Dave your gp sounds wonderful. What a joy to meet and work with someone who has a good brain and good, solid sense. Not everyone in the medical profession possesses this level of humanity - perhaps through experience (personally or professionally). People can blunder about... as you have seen with your friend. They usually mean well.. but can commit some awful clangers, often due to fear. You get to know on what level you can trust various people. Good to carry on being human though - with all the vicissitudes of that! - and to find out when to keep it to yourself: some don't have that skill set or experience and can cast about inappropriately.
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I'm sounding like you, we've changed sides! There a time and a place eh. I'd still say there's a time and a place for plain anger and outrage, neat, for things that are plain crap. Endless reasoning can cut us of from that sometimes. Don't necessarily have to act on the anger but good to acknowledge it, allow ourselves to feel it in the moment.

Ach it's philosophy o'clock. I'm awake bcs of aforementioned gruesome treatment (meds eh - the effects can be good, necessary, but sometimes a pain in the butt). Hope you're in the land of nod or at least at peace xx

Yes, always having been independent - I know that one bcs ditto. I am learning to be dependent, have no choice up to a point. It makes me squirm sometimes but there's nothing for it sometimes. It does bring great rewards even if the process is initially foreign - and 'helpers' can be lacking in finesse [argh]. People do care a lot of the time and they want, need, to help. We need to let them help even if they're a bit cack-handed with it sometimes. You know you're not an idiot even if they don't always have the intelligence or experience to get that. What they do doesn't make you an idiot.

And it's appropriate for them to feel sorry for you bcs what has happened is horrible - it's even appropriate for you to feel sorry for yourself! That's not necessarily wallowing, it's fitting for the time being. Compassion.

Not a lot to report today. I struggled with sleep last night and ended up taking a tablet even though it was my day off (so I'm skipping tonight in its place). I was just laying there feeling the whirling sensation behind my eyes and it was driving me mad. The only way to stop it was to open my eyes and then I cannot sleep.

I've eaten too much too quickly today. It got to 9pm and I hadn't eaten anything so a friend collected a McDonalds for me. I wasn't hungry but felt I ought to eat. I don't think it agreed with me as I feel a little sick now. I've put back on 6lbs in the last week which is probably as bad as losing it so quickly, and am about the same below my usual average weight. I think tomorrow I will stick with milkshakes and my vitamins.

I feel less exhausted than a week ago, but more tired. I think that is progress in the right direction. My body is starting to tell me what it needs rather than what it wants. Small steps forward... towards the wall...

springydaffs, I know why my friend did what he did. There's no trust issue there. I would have struggled not to do the same because when you love someone you will do anything to keep them safe. It will take a bit of time to get used to the fact some of my friends now know things I would rather just leave in my past, but I'll try as hard as I can. More time... again... !

I was asleep at 5am yesterday (still today I suppose - everything has shifted by 6 hours for me). I got off around 3am after getting so frustrated with not being able to do it unaided. My turn to hope you are sound asleep now.

RubbishMantra, you deserve more than just a mention in my last update.

I have read a lot of the thread you started but every time I go to post a reply on it I don't know what to write. I did think of you when I pulled back from that path myself. I will remember your loss for the rest of my life. I found a lot of your anger, frustration and despair in what I was feeling and it helped me to accept that it was not me in control. There was a lot of guilt about what I very nearly did. There's not a lot more I can say here because it still brings me to tears to think about your loss but I do want to mention one thing.

It is difficult to say this without at first appearing insensitive. I do hope you don't take that from my post because I do not mean it that way.

When I think about my own death, hopefully peacefully at an old age, my primary thought is always about the people I love who would be left behind. When I was on the verge of bringing it on myself I didn't think about that at all. That's how I know it was not me in control. I would not be able to take my life because I care too much about the other people in it. To not be able to put them into the place you have found yourself in. That is the why the bridge technique I learnt as a teenager works for me (although it is undoubtedly a poor method to use). It's a wall preventing me from going further. But it only works when I'm the one in control.

It was not the thought of the pain it would cause to the people I care about that pulled me back. Not even for my ex partner whom for some unfathomably cruel reason I still love so deeply. My mind convinced me it would be better for them if I was not there. It was only having a split second of "me" being able to get a thought in amongst the madness that got me to seek help and take it out of my hands. And even then it was very difficult. Monumentally difficult. It's not a logical place for your mind to be - it defies everything that is hardwired into us, and then some more. No matter how much I have tried to rationalise how I felt I can't do it. It's not rational. It doesn't reflect how much you do or don't want to end your life. It doesn't reflect how you feel about the other people in it. I didn't see it creeping up on me even though in the back of my mind I knew from my history that it might be there. I had my fingers in my ears ignoring it instead of reaching out for help. It's like arm wrestling your equal - it's perfectly balanced until that split second when it falls either way and that fall is exponential. Ultimately, it isn't really your choice at all. Once it starts, once it builds up, it is going to be released. No matter how much we try and control our bodies it comes down to basic chemistry and we are hardwired to respond. By the time you see the end result of your actions, I mean properly see and understand them, you've either gone too far or come back. No one wants to end their life to stop living - they just want to change whichever part of it is causing them harm. Fight-or-flight gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I love a lot of people who bring me a huge amount of joy. The sum of which is far greater than the love I have/had for my partner, and yet I came so very close to making a choice that would have put them in a place so terrible that even now I have to stop myself from imagining it. I'd like to think I am better prepared now, but really, honestly, I think if it creeps up again I still won't be in control. I'm keeping the Samaritans in my phonebook for now.

I can't pretend to know your husbands thoughts or if he could reason with them; no one can. I know mine and still can't reason with them.

I'm so very sorry he ended his life.

I think you should post the above on Mantra's thread, Dave, as it is yet further confirmation of what she needs to hear which is that there's nothing she could have done to prevent her DLH's tragic death.

The Coroner's usual verdict in such cases is 'suicide while the balance of the mind was disturbed' and that's it in a nutshell as it only takes a temporary aberration of a few minutes' duration to tip an otherwise stable individual into committing an irrevocable act of violence against themselves.

Hopefully, you won't revisit the dark place that makes the opt out button look like a most attractive proposition as the rational part of you appears to have climbed back into the driver's seat and is firmly in control of the vehicle that is you in your entirety.

I was sound asleep but it's meds o'clock again. pfft. I've been creeping around trying not to clatter plates as I microwave (tsk tsk) my previously lovingly home-made soup, trying not to let the mw ping so it wakes anyone up. Soup, dave? Nutritious, easy on the gut. You can buy it 'home-made' only I knew what was coming, unlike you, and got the chance to prepare and freeze.

Then I reported the spam which took an age as my sky box keeps freezing (can't put THAT in the mw).

Unlike you, I don't have anyone around who thinks sleep is for night-time and gets threatened when I'm asleep during the day. I can hear the birds singing - I hope you can't.

Great posts here. Love to all [heart]

Rubbish, so so sorry. To reiterate others, there is nothing you could have done to change events.

Dave, good on the exercise. Try to discipline your body on the food and drink side by eating small nutritious plain food regularly. Dep which culture you gone from, turn to its invalid style food. If UK, think 1950s plain though better cooked. So protein, veg, some carbs as a soporific. Drink lots of water. If you can't bear that idea, the Thai/Malay TOM yam soup is good. And a proper soup will help as above. Just as you need to make yourself take exercise, make yourself drink and eat. No need to eat much. It's getting the body back from extremes. And make sure it's regular.

Why am I so positive? Because I am supporting my DH through an equivalent though nit identical position, and this us what the medics and counsellors say and I can see the effects. If he does this, he copes better. If not, not. And similarly with a dear friend.

It's not the answer. But it helps your body to rebuild resilience. And regular meals will help your body clock.

Nanny ends here... Loads of support. Your friends will want to help, don't forget.

goddessofsmallthings, when I discussed it with my doctor he seemed to think I was sound/sane enough to handle it for the time being. Neither of us are expecting it to creep back just yet as almost two weeks have now passed and I feel I am in a different place than I was then. I wasn't depressed, just desperate for a way forward. I'm not necessarily in a better place now, but it's not a desperate one. I know the basic plan to gain control of my health again and I have a path out from the stress now. I just need to stay on it; little steps at a time while my brain heals and comes to terms with what has happened.

I ate a small chicken salad today for tea, and don't feel sick afterwards. I had a milkshake too throughout the day.

I do/did like Thai food so I will see if I can get something maybe for tomorrow or Monday as I haven't had any for quite a while now. I'm out of soup now, and still haven't been properly grocery shopping now for a month. I am not sure I'm ready to face that on my own just yet so will need to arrange to go with a friend so I can escape if I need to. I'll try and get some veggie ones to eat with bread. I'm sure my sleeping problems are tied in with my lack of a diet just as much as the stress. I need to start eating the correct type of foods again. I think I am drinking ok now, probably 2 pints a day, sometimes a bit more. That's more than I used to drink so for me is quite a lot.

Tonight is med-free as far as sleeping goes. I've had a hot chocolate (no idea if milk really helps, but it warmed me up if nothing else!) I've stayed up on my computer for as long as I can before my eyes are are drooping so I'm going to risk an early night at 1am! Fingers crossed I won't be back at my desk at 5am for a zopiclone. 4 nights in a row now when it should be 2-3 on and 1 off so I really want to avoid taking one unless I get desperate. I need to get my body clock back on GMT again.

I can't hear the birds singing (more like seagulls squawking!) because I wear ear plugs to bed. I've always been really sensitive to background noise at night so I don't sleep well without them.

Please nanny me as much as you want to. I read everything that is posted here and have found it very helpful.

Good, hot milky drink before bedtime. Or cold milk in summer. Perhaps a plain biscuit. A digestive or rich tea.

Something at breakfast, small porridge, weetabix is, toast. Or banana. Bananas v helpful for mid morning or eg a digestive biscuit. . Soup & salad lunchtime. Chicken salad sandwich tea, or eg a poached egg or boiled egg and soldiers & salad. . Plus grapes or plum or apple. Decaf drinks.

If you gave a Tesco or sainsbury that will deliver, order online. Take several hours if you need to do a shopping list, with loo paper, washing up liquid, as well as the food stuff. Then you don't need to see any one. So much easier.

But try to get out. If he hasn't cleaned you out and you haven't got one, think about getting a Fitbit. Just doing your 10000 steps will help. One friend bought himself a bike and is whizzing round,, my DH has discovered outdoor gyms. Try to get fresh air and sunlight even if not sunshine every day. You will need your vit d to build resilience.

Work out what you like listening to if you can't sleep. I find R3 calming, sometimes the world service. I find it more calming than listening to my own choice if music. Sometimes I choose a boring book to read, or at any rate not an exciting one. Three paragraphs of one of the Palliser novels is normally enough to make me drowsy ( sorry Trollope fans, I do like the Barchester ones).

If you are near the sea, then walks along the coast are great. All that ozone.

Are you one if those people who is house proud? If so, ironing sheets listening to the radio is v calming. Brainless but with something yo dhow god it,

Hope you sleep well.

Hope it goes well tonight, dave. Have you tried Kalms? Or has the gp said it is contraindicated with meds?

I realise I have been waking in the night because I am HUNGRY. Other things, too, but I think that's a big part of it. The milk should be helping with that - you could try adding oats (what's the name of it, can't remember) which is very soporific. (good tips, cape) Camomile is also good to drink to calm things down - soothes the stomach, too.

Ovaltine?

I had some meat and potato soup for tea this evening, and half a small loaf of bread to go with it. Milkshake through the day again, and two pints of tap water.

Last night I was still awake at 4am. Not even close to falling asleep. There are only so many times I can count sheep before it just gets frustrating. I took half a tablet to finally get off to sleep and was off before 5am. I hope that is not a sign of things to come. That was 5 days on since the last med-free night, instead of 2 on 1 off. I don't have enough to take one every night till my next appointment so I'll have to catch up the missing days through necessity if not ability. I'm not intending to take anything tonight.

In other news - nothing else has changed either. I had the entire day to myself today to see if I could and I think I managed it ok. It got a bit down and lonely mid-afternoon but I pottered about and got through it. I'm wondering if that might be the start of the emotions coming through? Yay.

We seem to be on MN at the same times Dave.

Why did you want to see if you could be on your own (for a whole day)?? Do you want to get your horse-hair shirt while you're at it..

I'm well-used to time on my own but even I don't do that competition thing with myself - what for? And I don't have a major trauma to deal with she lies . admittedly, there's not much I can do about it sometimes, in which case I settle in to enjoy it, but I certainly don't invite it. What for? Of course you can do it - if you have to . But not if you don't.

Imo

Great news about the soup - rah rah

If you've the means, book into a sleep clinic: huge number of highly effective skills to employ to encourage the bod to let go. How I broke the sleeplessness torture (that, and addressing the relational causes in my life - but that takes longer): you and your body are of a one: you both want to sleep. Helpful to know the skills to line them up in unison ie not fighting each other. Xx

she is right, Dave.

Do you have a nice unexciting book? And what's your wallpaper music?

Horlicks, milo or ovaltine and a biscuit now...