If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

[Donotknowhownottomind]

what do you do ?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do ?

Can I join the club too?

It started very intense and very loving from him.
Then he explained he needed his own bed as 'research shows men sleep better alone'

Now completely separate bedrooms

For a while a hug last thing at night and in the morning

Now nothing , not even sitting next to me on the sofa. No affection at all. I feel like I'm dying inside, literally shriveling up. I am seriously considering leaving.

A friend gave me hug the other day and massaged my back a little. I nearly sobbed. Only affection from dcs.

Certainly think he has as.

Not a bad person but makes me utterly miserable.

Sorry op and all others in same boat. Yes please to support group!

Also x post with lama- so sorry to hear of what you are going through

I am really surprised at how many other people there are like me. We have been married for 15 years and sort of expected the initial intense phase to wear off but I still wonder how my marriage has come to this. The thing is I don't want anyone else either. I just don't know what I want. I would love a support group too please.

can I join too!?

married 8 years and I truly think that DH just doesn't think of me in that way at all any more.
I'm trying to loose weight in the hope that will make me more attractive but it's hard going and sometimes I feel it's all for nothing anyway.

I'm not sure if it's about being physically attractive to them... I wonder if it's more that they just don't need it, but we do?

I was expecting a small number of people, looks like a larger venue for a group hug will have to be sourced

Sad really as all I want is a hug and looks like others are in the same situation

Reading this with complete understanding, it's a relief to know I'm not alone. I've tried all sorts to tempt DH back to the tactile and affectionate ways of the start of our relationship but it's like he's beyond reach and I'm left looking desperate. I clearly annoy him, he audibly sighs as I try to hug him.

I've thought and thought about it and decided it's akin to grief. I have days where I grieve for the affection we used to share and I feel so lonely and desolate. I can't agree to living like this forever but I don't know how to change it. DH says that once the stress we're under changes then he'll be less grumpy and introverted but I feel cheated, as though he tricked me into marriage and has now changed completely.

OP, have you talked to your DH about this? What does he say?

Another one here. Over 3 years since we last DTD; for about 5 years before that it was always me initiating. I've just given up now. Why would I want to sleep with someone who doesn't want to sleep with me?

There seems to be a common theme of being pursued by a very attentive partner, who then loses interest. I think my DP is/was a player & never wanted a future with me; he said his sex drive was low due to depression.

I can't see a way back now. We have a 2 year-old, debt, little family support & expensive childcare. It's not my time to go yet, or even confront it, but I am working on a Plan B.....

Yy to the feeling tricked feeling... I feel as though I signed up for someone who was clever at pretending he was perfect for me- sociable, affectionate, sexy.... 8 years later I live with a man who barely touches me and hardly leaves the house except for work and sex has become an entitled, one sides grope. I am going to leave him, I can't live like this.

*sided

Question to those in this sort of marriage. Do you feel any sort of resentment and if so is it more towards yourself or towards your partner?

So sorry to hear all these lonely posts, it's hard when you have someone right there who you could be so happy with but they put up the walls and then probably wonder why their wife is so unhappy.

My dad was like this with my mum.. He barely touched her for about 15 years after she started putting on weight, no hugs or kisses as he didn't want her thinking it would lead to sex. It was awful for her but he was great in other ways so she never left. Then she lost the weight and suddenly he was all over her, for a year it was lovely to watch my parents in their 50s so affectionate with each other! While at the back of my mind thinking how shallow my dad was. Then she put the weight on again and it all stopped and he was back to just giving her a peck on the cheek. Not saying that's what's happening with everyone else here, just giving one story.

My dad was a great dad but a poor husband. Thankfully us kids have all gone the other way and love affection.

I don't know what to suggest, just want to say you all deserve the love you want and life is short

Can I join the group too. No sex for over a year and very rare hugs and kisses. Not sure which way to go.

Been thinking about responding to this thread, as there's very little affection in my marriage. However, it's probably as much my fault as my Wife's. Our problem is completely mismatched sex drives, I'd be happy with twice a week. I don't think she really wants it at all, but special occasions seems to make her want to (anniversarys, valentines etc.).

I've tried to understand, and tried a whole range of strategies to cope and to open up communication. None of it successful. So, as a result I have withdrawn, I've never been good at going backwards during relationships (friends with ex's and the like), and that's what seems to have happened in our marriage. We aren't lovers, we're friends and coparents.

So, in an effort to reassure DW that I'm not going to try anything on I shy away from physical contact: "no hugs or kisses as he didn't want her thinking it would lead to sex." this in essence. Although I do find her attractive, and would love to regain this lost part of our relationship.

InThBox - I feel resentment to DW for not understanding, and not communicating what the problem is, or for simply saying this is the way she is. I feel resentment to myself for feeling the way I do, for feeling entitled to a sex life in a marriage, for having a sex drive and for being so frustrated that I can't figure out a way through the communication issues: the sexual frustration is definitely secondary to this.

It's all a bit fucked up and has been going on for years.

Forgot to add - I've done a lot of reading on these subject areas, and I understand that upto 20% of marriages are "sexless", I put that in quotes as it's defined as less than 10 times a year. I would be surprised if many of these are affectionate too. So in that respect, despite it not being normal (statistically) it is certainly not uncommon.

This is the state of my marriage too, sadly. I get no affection from my DH at all, no hugs, kisses, hand holding, no compliments ... sex is rare now and normally always initiated by me. It is soul destroying not to be desired by your partner. I have tried talking to him about it over the years, he improves for a few days and then just goes back to his old ways. He admits his sex drive isn't very high. I can see now that his Dad was exactly the same with his Mum, so he has learned well! He is a good man in every other way. It would seem so selfish on my part to leave for these reasons alone. I have read people in this situation are very open to affairs.

My XH and I were mismatched in terms of affection and for a long period sexually as well. Oddly after a few years our sex life resumed and continued to the end of our marriage. However I missed affection terribly and it got to the point where one couple we knew and really liked I almost avoided because I was so jealous of how demonstrative the husband was.

I never got used to this but accepted it as just how he was but the loneliness and sense of humiliation was always with me, I always felt it was something about me fundamentally unappealing. By the end of our 17 years together my self confidence was decimated although post therapy thankfully I'm ok now.

I've been single almost six years now and hence no affection etc but I take this any day over being constantly pushed away or shaken off. I should also add there was a total absence of verbal affection or praise as well which compounded it for me

I don't know what the answer is but thoughts of giving up a marriage and particularly where children are involve because of a lack of affection may seem absurd but I would understand it. For clarification XH left me and I never had the courage to break away but whenever I think about it I'm very grateful he ended things.

So if you're in a sexless or affectionless marriage but you don't want to separate, what are your options:

1. Status quo
2. Try to improve things by discussing feelings with or without a counsellor
3. Try to make yourself as attractive as possible for your age
4. Satisfy needs outside marriage: a) affair b) buying

Any others?

1. Ask partner for an open marriage
2. Swinging

But I doubt many people on this thread would consider either of these options in reality.

I'm pretty much going with status quo. I have no interest in sex without PROPER affection... Not from DH and certainly not from anyone else. Doesn't float my boat at all.

I have no interest in 'making myself as attractive as possible' for what???

But, I do have an interest in carving out my own status. Get some hobbies, I have a few in mind (so guys - you can all have a virtual hug from me in getting me this far at least ;-)

x

"try to make yourself as attractive as possible for your age"

i know of someone who lost a massive amount of weight and it made no difference.

its bollocks.

I put on a dress, hose, heels, had my hair down and even accessorized...
Nope,
Not one word about it. That "date night" was the same as most others: independently browsing the book store.

I've just bought a book which sums up my marriage 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' I'm not saying this will give us all the answers but it's a starting point. My husband is open to discussion but he uses the exact phrase above. He isn't in love with me. He sees me as a friend as his sister so how can he have sex with me or be intimate when he feels like that? I'm not sure how we move forward. The thought of splitting up our family is just crazy and I can't think of a worse thing to do to my children. We aren't horrible to each other, we get on, our family life is good but the thought of having no affection or loving isnt something I want either!
It's so sad there are so many of us in this situation. Xx

What did you learn about relationships yourself when growing up?.

Would you want your children as adults to learn and believe that a loveless marriage is their "norm"?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. That is what they are seeing currently; a "good" family life does not cover up the cracks and schisms underneath. They also likely know that things are not quite right at home either; you cannot fully protect them from the realities of such a marriage. It does you and they a huge disservice.

One day as well your children will leave home; what then for you and he?.