If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

[Donotknowhownottomind]

what do you do ?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do ?

OP, would you consider asking him to open the marriage so you could get the affection and sex you need from others?

After all if sex isn't important to him then it shouldn't be any skin off his nose where you get it... right?

I am in a similar situation too. I don't want to leave but sometimes the lack of affection does get to me. Especially when you see other happy cuddling couples. Sorry I have no advice but you are not alone. X

I haven't read all the responses asim about to go to bed. more of a place mark for tomorrow

There are so many people in this boat. I am one of them. Perhaps we can all sail away together?

You are worth more than this if you want to be. If you know you are loved and it is better to stay, there are ways to make it work for both of you.

Did he used to be touchy feely Or did something happen/life get in the way?

Me too.

Very occasionally he will hold my hand if just the two of us are out together (but still usually initiated by me). Also occasionally reciprocates a foot tickle if on sofa together. But no hugs or kisses unless to initiate sex. And the lack of affection means I don't want sex. So no sex - or maybe once a year. He complains about lack of sex. I explain that if was more affectionate then would be more interested. Nothing changes. Yet he is reasonably affectionate with children.

So no advice, just sympathy.

Mummy pig..try you might be pleasantly surprised

Why not try.. You might be pleasantly surprised

I had a very unaffectionate marriage (except for groping) and I can remember how empty, unconnected and sad it was.

I have a very tactile affectionate relationship now, and there is no denying how important it is to me.

I do think physical contact is a human requirement for connected fulfilling relationships (along with many other things obviously) and I don't think you can 'get by' without it. It will always not feel good.

I can relate to that but from a male perspective, just a case of I adapted and got on with my life as any affection was frowned upon

I'm in the same boat. Never hold hands, cuddle sit next to each other on the sofa/share bed too but as far away from each other as possible. Sex happens every few months or so as like pp said no affection no sex.
I did try a couple of months ago putting my legs over him as we sat on the sofa and he took them off and asked if I wanted the footstool
It pained my heart literally to read these posts as it brings it home how desperate I am for affection.
If we do ever hug it feels so unnatural now that we might as well not bother. Kills me to see other people holding hands and being affectionate. I actually feel embarrassed to see it.
Sorry to hi jack op but I've never admitted this to anyone

I tried, I asked, I'm ashamed to say I begged. But I did. He says he's just not like that, but I totally beg to differ, when we first met he couldn't get closer to me, always held my hand, in or outside, now? Well I'm just sitting here, as usual, stroking his arm (pathetic bitch that I am) whilst he watches tv. I'm not even going to get a stroke of my face, just a "right! Bed time!" And then he'll face the other way... Mummypig, I don't know how to help either, I'm the same as you x

I tried, I asked, I'm ashamed to say I begged. But I did. He says he's just not like that, but I totally beg to differ, when we first met he couldn't get closer to me, always held my hand, in or outside, now? Well I'm just sitting here, as usual, stroking his arm (pathetic bitch that I am) whilst he watches tv. I'm not even going to get a stroke of my face, just a "right! Bed time!" And then he'll face the other way... Mummypig, I don't know how to help either, I'm the same as you x

Choclou, don't be embarrassed, what on earth so we have to be embarrassed about, it's not us that has the issue. I've thought am I repulsive to him? Has he settled for me? But you know what? Mine is punching above his weight! Not a boast or stealth boast, but what he says and also my good friends! We are normal, we want affection, it is not our fault that they can't be bothered/won't be bothered ... Gosh, how do you put it? They used to be bothered, have they know thought "I've got her, I don't have to be bothered anymore?" Or I'm past all that? What actually is it? Ok I know it makes little sense but I've had wine and have heartburn now and no omepraxole! X

Sad to say it- but I'm in the same boat too... 7 years of marriage, and only affection in sex. It's come to a head in our case though, and we're due to start counselling shortly. As an incredibly (or maybe normally?!?) affectionate person, it's making me worry for the future. I guess I always thought he may change.

Sorry to hear so many people are in the same boat.

I assume my h couldn't care less about me but given the sheer volume of unaffectionate partners of people on this thread, they can't all be out of love with their other halves?? So in that case why do so many people stop being affectionate (my h used to be affectionate too and is SUPER affectionate with the dc)?

And yes I think we should start some kind of club (as someone suggested) - one where we can give each other hugs!

8 years into it here. It's been a year since we last had sex. I decided to stop initiating & see what happened. Even before that we only had sex every 6 months or for procreation. He's mentioned sex once in that year when I said I couldn't sleep & he said we could "if I wanted" in the sort of way you might say we could watch a DVD I chose or something. I declined his gracious offer & told him specifically it was because there was no physical intimacy between us anymore & he couldn't just expect me to turn it on like a tap. He's not mentioned it or even attempted to be affectionate towards me since. Says it all really.

The attraction was always more on his side than mine, he made me feel attractive & loved & I really needed that at that point in my life. Now I see him more like a co-parent/brother type person & can't imagine how awkward it would be to try & be physical again. Leaving him would be like kicking a puppy though, plus I'm a SAHM with ASD & 2 small DC, one of whom also has ASD, so I'd struggle to support us financially, I could never announce to the world that I'd left him because of a lack of sex. So I stay. He's a good man. He provides for us, is a hands-on dad, would do almost anything to avoid upsetting me... I have a good, comfortable life here, there's just no real spark. The alternative would be me struggling to feed, clothe & care for the DC by myself while living on benefits my ASD issues mean I can't really hold a job for any length of time & I'd very quickly slip back into depression. I couldn't knowingly do that to the DC so I'll plod on getting angry at Disney's happy-ever-after mantra, feeling jealous of every happy couple, biting my tongue when my friends joke about their sex lives & trying to convince myself that no-one really has sex as much as they claim to & even if they do then I don't care & am completely happy as I am...

Life could be a lot worse!

DP is very physically affectionate in terms of cuddles, hugs and spooning in bed
He has never been into kissing apart from a peck on the cheek now and again
Sex is very infrequent mainly due to his depression
I sought sexual gratification elsewhere (DP knows) might not be the norm but works for us

Jace, I'm glad you have found something that works for you both. It's not a lack if sex here, if I or he wants it, it's there, it just doesn't mean that much to me now. Before, without being dramatic, it was an act of love, the foreplay started when he held my hand on the couch, or out his arms around my waist as I cooked, kissed my neck...... Now he kicks his shoes off, sniffs the kitchen and ;occasionally) pays half the bills! Where did my life go? In forty on Wednesday! FFS! I imagined. Dared to hope for more than this? But I'll never leave. I look at him and my heart soars, I love him.... Pathetic, needy piece of shit that I am x

Wompom, same here, he wanted me more than I wanted him! Wtf? !!

I'm up for a support group

It's the really little things that get me... I made the house perfect for him last night (something I know he likes) and instead of being pleased he said 'what's the special occasion? That was it. No thanks, no it looks lovely, just a general assumption that it is not normally clean enough for his standards (it is) but, regardless, we had quite a pleasant night, but then he left for work without saying good morning. Spoke to the kids, but not to me.

I know you could say, maybe if I always kept the house pristine and had sex whenever he wanted it, he might be happier with me... But I am not at all sure he would... I think he would just find something else to be unhappy with me about.

It's the oblivious response to my feelings that really hurts. I mean- if he said he really needed x,y, or z I would try (within reason) to accommodate it. What hurts as much is that my mum and dad live around the corner and are really lovely to each other, the occasional kiss, squeeze and nice word. Leaves me desperately empty inside- yearning for what I grew up around. Having to ask for a hug is so so wrong.

It's definitely a case of its not you.....
However, we can all only as individuals decide what we are prepared to put up with or compromise on
Despite having tried things and worked on ways to improve situation - it's still not what I really want
I love DP and want him to want me IYSWIM
Sometimes I feel like his teddy bear, soother and comfort blanket all rolled into one
Whereas I need physical affection that involves sex too - would prefer it if love were also part of the package - but that's not going to happen
Doesn't help that DP was the best I've ever known in that area - as we connected in all ways
Depression has taken all that away

Do you still chat or banter? My DP is so self-contained, it's like he doesn't need affection or interaction which makes me feel so lonely. Contrary to some of you, I am currently thinking that I can't go on like this. The kids will be leaving home soon and what will life be like then? Big decisions ahead.

We still chat, occasionally banter- but very much on his terms- as he's become prickly and quite easily offended. No- I don't want to live like this particularly- but am terrified of separating as again, I've got a 'little' job PT, and we have small children. What would the practicalities of life look like for me? So- for now, plod on- see if relate can help... If not, what then? An affair isn't really my style. Learn to just suck it up and co-habit?

Pleased in a way it's not just me- but saddened that there are more of us.

God I thought it was just me!

I feel for you, OP. Just wondering: does he take an interest in you in other ways? Or is he just going through the motions?

Mine has no interest in me at all now, and sort of talks at me, not to me, if that makes sense. Nothing about me matters to him....

I'm up for a club too.

Mine talks at me. Mostly to remind me of what I do wrong in life.

That would appear to be my reason d'etre ;-)