If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

[Donotknowhownottomind]

what do you do ?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do ?

And what is your response to that from him?. Presumably your children hear him talk like that to you as well, what do you think they are learning about relationships here?. They could well start talking to you in that self same manner.

Presumably as well he thinks and feels he is always above reproach?.

Yes, I am sure he does. I am definitely last on the list. And feeling it today.

I am no match for him. I don't respond.

What do you think your day to day life would be like without your H in it?.

You may not want to leave for your own reasons but really are those actually sound enough reasons to stay?.

Re point 4 of your earlier post I would seek legal advice re your property; he may not be able to sell at all. I do not think he loves his son at all if he was truly prepared to sell it (to get back at you as punishment for having the gall as he sees it to actually leave him).

He has you precisely where he wants you hasn't he?. He has you both quiet and subservient.

Emotionally abusive men often feel that there is nothing wrong with their own behaviours; its always someone else's fault. You are his emotional punchbag and he punishes you in many ways. Presumably to others in the outside world he comes across as quite plausible.

It's no life for you or your son for that matter.

Yes, he does 'have me where he wants me' and - as regards physical contact - I do believe that it's a case of 'he doesn't want me, but he'll be damned if anyone else does'

But the alternative? He'd crucify me. I am no match.

My worst nightmare is he'd go for the kids. I am not sure how he'd do it, because I do 99.9% of childcare, but I wouldn't risk it.

He once called the police to have me stopped (for drunk driving) I was topped, breathalised and passed ( which I knew I would, or I would never have driven) but yes, I think he is waiting for me to 'mess up'.

I know.. you will say 'how is this a good life?' and I will say - it's a lot better than if he was really, really pissed off with me. Which he would be. I'd leave with next to nothing and I can't risk that.

Does he call you that or something along those lines day to day?.

I think you should change your username into something less derogatory towards your own self because you are really not as you describe.

Such men usually only want to punish their chosen victim. I do not think he has any interest in the children at all (other than to use them to take you further down into the hole he has dug for you). These men as well use the children as weapons, he knows they are your weak spot and he will exploit that mercilessly.

This is precisely the sort of behaviours that abusive men do; this is all part of their overall script. He has you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making. He is already pissed off and such men hate women - all of them.

BTW how did you meet, did you meet him when you were in a bad place yourself?. You do not have to answer that but its something worth considering.

He being power crazed, entitled and full of self justification would likely make any aspect of separating from him as difficult and protracted as possible; this again is precisely what these abusers do. He is no different from any other abusive man out there; no-one is above the law even though he thinks he is.

I would advise you to talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 because they can and will help you here.

Oh, Attila - ironically, you've talked to me over the years.

nothing has changed. If anything, it's worse now. But, I am never going to leave him. I am simply not strong enough. I don't have the backing of friends (who all think he's great) or family (who think divorce is shameful) and, I do love him. I know, I know...But I do. I sometimes wonder if I could change he would love me.. but what it would take for me to change would never happen (time away from the kids / time to have friends / time to be fun). I am NEVER without the kids.

It's never going to change and I'm never going to leave. There really isn't anything more to be said.

Iamatotal, this isn't just a lack of affection sweetie, that's a really fecking shit relationship. Sorry, I know you already know that, I left EH and walked out with a baby and a suitcase leaving him in a huge house with a huge salary and I knocked on my mums door, it took four years from there, and five years (and a couple of arseholes) after that to get with DP, who I would walk through fire for, yes there is a lack of affection, yes he won't hold my hand or sit beside me or cuddle me. But I don't feel like you do, I think you need to get out. There are ways... Pm me anytime, I will help you, and there is life and love at the end of the tunnel and I swear, if I feel for a second you've met someone who won't reciprocate affection like my DP I will hunt you down and physically remove you, you deserve so much more.... On a brighter note (at a funeral today... I know, a bit morbid) DP mouthed to me " I love you" when I was speaking to his mum. He again never came near me, although pissed, and now we are home he has fine to watch tv upstairs x

How does one join this club that a few have suggested ? :)

You've got to ask otherwise you'll forever be in such a challenging position.

We'd have to periodically meet up in a central point for, you know, hugs .

I have been a long time lurker but your post has just totally compelled me to (reset password/username etc!) and reply. I am in a very similar position. Can totally relate to posters who have described the initial pursuit and sexual intensity of the partner at first. This exactly describes my much loved husband. Our DS, who my DH adores and is physically affectionate with, has just had a DX of Aspergers' Syndrome (in our LEA this is still recognised). It has become clear that my DH has the same issue. This has been reaffirmed by our GP, though we are not seeking a diagnosis for DH. Do you think this could apply in any way to your situation? This has helped me massively in my understanding of DH, though the issues regarding physical loneliness remain. It just helps me be more patient and less blaming of myself. . Aspergers men who marry tend to pick very understanding and compassionate women; those who are most capable of dealing with 'society' in a positive way. Unfortunately, we are the type of women who are also deeply hurt by coldness . I just wanted to offer you this explanation to see if perhaps it can resonate with you in any way.? Apologies for any unintentional breach in etiquette. It took me forever to write this post!

I think ours is a phase due to stress of work and 2 under 5. Overall things are ok

I was in a marriage like this. I stayed as it was easier, we had DC, a nice house and were good 'mates'... It would depress me, I drank far too much wine.. In the end I'm sorry to say I met someone who opened my eyes and ended up leaving.

I'm now with someone who showers me with affection and makes me feel wanted.

I had one like this and I have been divorced for nearly two months now. I am not going to pretend it was easy but I couldn't live with myself anymore in that situation. I don't get hugs now either obviously but it is MY choice. Somehow that makes it all an awful lot better.

I would like to join the giving/receiving hugs group though. I think I've forgotten what human contact is like!

I am here too. Dh is an introvert (at home anyway) and a workaholic. He is just too exhausted in the evenings. I read the book " Quiet" by Susan Cain and it explained a lot.

We had a late addition to our family 7 years ago- I was 46. The sheer exhaustion took its toll (even with the help of older-teenage children).
That was also when I left the marital bed due to his huge snoring- my sleep deprivation was horrible.

We do share the couch in the evening and touch by sitting next to each other, even hold hands(!). And bless him, he will automatically turn the tv to British Mysteries (true love) over Lizzard Lick Towing, or 1000 ways to die stupid or such.

He has recently improved with hugs as his mother recently passed on (yes, someone had to die). Suddenly he sees me and wants me to drop a few pounds.

But the conversation is not there. Ten words a day, or is it six minutes of interaction? I don't know. Never a conversation about how I am or current events or other things adults might converse about. Just a run down of the day....ok we are caught up. If I ask him what he thinks about something he gives a very vague two word answer. I call him on it and he apologises but then just nothing.

I want to add that I have returned to sleep with him as he finally lost some weight and the snoring has stopped for the most part.

I don't want to leave him because I am an introvert too. I am good with solitude and have not had a problem entertaining myself...so I guess it could be said that I do not depend on him for my happiness (beyond the obvious financial scurity as I am a sahm).

I want to join the club too. Was married for 30 yrs and was jealous of the affection he showered on our granddaughters as he never came any where near me. We had dream holidays and I have never felt lonelier than being far away from family yet watching what other couples did, hand in hand on the beach etc. He now regrets it and begs me to be with him again but too late for me

I think a lot of it is just being taken for granted. I suppose some men just get so comfortable that they forget to nurture the marriage. (Of course both sexes are guilty of this, but in these instances it appears to be more in the male side.)

It's very easy to get into a rut, and after time that then 'becomes' your marriage.

I think counselling can be very helpful. I know when I left dh he knew he'd been unreasonable and wanted to try and change. Life just gets in the way.

What a sad bunch we are! I'm an introvert too, very easily able to amuse myself and also highly pragmatic. I know I'd be worse off financially if I were to leave (he wants me gone). He's also very passive and won't have the necessary conversations, so I'm staying put (with DD,13, for now). It's grim, but it could be a lot worse.

I really feel for you, OP, but I really think you need professional help. Your H sounds like a nightmare - a proper bully who is set on belittling you. Getting you stopped by police and breathalysed? Wtf!

Please, please, get that help.

"Oh, Attila - ironically, you've talked to me over the years.

nothing has changed. If anything, it's worse now. But, I am never going to leave him. I am simply not strong enough. I don't have the backing of friends (who all think he's great) or family (who think divorce is shameful) and, I do love him. I know, I know...But I do. I sometimes wonder if I could change he would love me.. but what it would take for me to change would never happen (time away from the kids / time to have friends / time to be fun). I am NEVER without the kids.

It's never going to change and I'm never going to leave. There really isn't anything more to be said".

I did wonder whether I had commented on previous posts of yours. Abusers also ramp up the power and control ante over the years; I was not at all surprised to read that your life has got worse.

The above you have written is truly one of the saddest posts I have read in a very long time. He is your jailer most certainly but you still have a choice and your choice to stay (made through a combination of fear, embarrassment and shame to name but three factors) is one you will bitterly regret making. You have simply been worn down and conditioned by him to the point where you accept these abuses of you as your meagre lot in life.

You married an arrogant and abusive man. If anyone needs to change here it is him and he will not do so because he is abusive at heart and entitled. He feels he is and has done nothing wrong here. He feels entitled to do this to you and also uses the children to keep you tied by being away from home a lot working (that is also deliberate on his part).

I would read up on traumatic bonding.

I would also think that one or two of your friends have their doubts and suspicions about him; abusers though mainly plausible to those in the outside world can drop their mask albeit briefly in company too. As for your family, well they have not had the reality of living with him day to day so their opinion does not matter. What is happening here to you is abusive and thus shameful, divorce is not.

One day these children you have will leave home and it will be just you and he; do you all want to be these people's carers?.

There is always a way out; the only time that it is too late is when you are yourself deceased. If nothing else, I hope I have made you think more about the realities of such a choice.

Try marriage counselling. You can get it on the NHS

Joint marriage counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type with the relationship. NHS counselling is limited, takes an age to arrange and often consists of only six sessions.

If counselling is at all done or considered the person needs to go on their own. The RIGHT counsellor can be very helpful.

I'm sorry OP to read about you situation. But it has come as a shock to me how many others are in similar relationsips.
I'm currently in a sexless marriage - temporary I hope - for which there are medical reasons on both sides. But I feel fortunate that my wife and I have never stopped being physically affectionate, perhaps more so as if to compensate.
I know this sounds cheesy but even after 30+ years I still can't take my eyes off her. We hug and kiss before she goes off to work and when she returns. We went for a pub lunch the other day before going shopping and it was like a first date: hands touching across the table etc. And we walked back to the car with our arms round each other. She will invariably tell me about her day and, whereas I used to try to offer solutions to problems at work (often too many managers!), I've learnt that she prefers me to simply with minimal input.
I was going to write more about us but it doesn't really help the OP.

Oops! Too many typos. How do you edit?