If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

[Donotknowhownottomind]

what do you do ?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do ?

and the alternative? That does them no disservice either?

I don't disagree with you as such Attila - I am absolutely sure that me normalising that 'men make the rules and women clean the kitchen' ABSOLUTELY comes from my parents. Even now (and my mother knows exactly the state of my relationship, she would be devastated if we split but she would lose the plot if I left. In her eyes, there is nothing worse than divorce... and for a woman to leave is even worse.

But, just about the effects on the kids... I can promise you it would destroy my son. Say we split, my son (who is with me pretty much 24/7) would have to somehow learn to split time between two home and two parents and he'd have to leave this place.

And for what? Nah, I'm going with status quo. Easier all round.

For the record, my parents have a very happy, near-50 year marriage. As do DP's.

Given that around 50% of 16-year-olds parents relationships have broken down, dysfunctional relationships are perhaps the norm.

I don't intend on staying forever; just until I'm in a better position to support my children financially. (Current childcare costs are 1K per month, will be less when DD starts school).

Although I've generally given up hope of things improving, I have to be open to that; perhaps when life is a bit easier we might be a bit happier. Will reassess in a few years when DD starts school.

As do mine sauvignon, but they live by the rules of 'man makes rules. Women does housework'.

That isn't what I signed up for. And, to be fair, it's not what DH signed up for either. I think it would be much easier for us both if I worked, if he (consequently) had to do more around the house / childcare.

As it is, neither of us really have any understanding of what the other ones life is like.

he thinks I have a piss-easy life, swanning about with the kids.
I think he has LOADS more support, gets time to himself and gets to DEMAND a 'break'.

So, he has an hours commute... In my eyes, he gets to get up before everyone (demanded by him), shower, shave, dress, breakfast in peace. Leaves the kitchen in a state. Leaves dirty clothes on the floor. Then sits in the car, llistens to the news, gathers his thoughts on the day, makes a few phone calls (personal, generally) before arriving at work where his secretary is ready with a coffee and his agenda for the day.

My morning consists of dragging two kids out of bed, sorting the kitchen out and getting breakfast for them, making the beds, making sure my DD has everything she needs for school, getting them both into the car, listening to my daughter read on the way to school, get DD to school... drive home with DS and start his home ed programme for the day. (he is autistic and home schooled)

DS cannot be left alone to complete work, so I sit with him as he completes tasks. During his break, I collect washing, clean, make lunch.

Then we will probably go and play in the garden or for a walk. Again, DS cannot be left unsupervised.

So, by lunch (which both DH and I will have 'on the go' but his will be bought / prepared for him and brought to him. Whereas I need to grab something around feeding DS, cleaning up and getting ready for the afternoon before I collect DD.

Of course, I KNOW, If DH were to read this, he would write a very different description of the day. I KNOW that. ANd I'm not saying he is wrong.

but for us, the balance of power has shifted. he has it. I don't. So, I might as well at least be a good mum.

And don't even get me started on when DH gets a lunch break... he goes shopping - buys the kids toys or clothes; buys whatever he wants / needs himself.

If I want to go to a shop, it is with a 7YO large Tasmanian devil who will do whatever it takes to get out of the shop. I don't shop a lot. Or get my hair done. Or actually do anything that can't be done with a Tasmanian devil in tow ;-)

SO, I guess what I'm saying is it's not just one sided. I am resentful in a way that 'my contribution' to our lives is so negated that it comes down to me 'sitting around drinking' which is all my DH actually thinks I do.

iamatotal you've partially answered something I was going to ask.

For those who are not receiving physical affection, I wondered whether you "clicked" with your partners mentally? Whether there was humour, respect, chat in your day to day lives?

Im only asking as I see it all as being tied up together and while I think I could manage with one thing lacking! the absence of all of them must be horrible.

Can I join the club aswell please? I've tried everything. Very sexless marriage (it's been over a year I think). I'm so depressed.

I "click" with DH which is about the only thing making it bearable. I do feel a little tricked too. Before we got married we were very affectionate but not having sex. It was always understood that we wouldn't because we were Christians. After we got married I tried to instigate a sex life for us but he never initiated anything. It took years before I gave up altogether.

Also, before we were married he worked during the uni summer holidays at a mostly 9-5 type job, I assumed this would continue but despite working for the same company doing the same thing he gradually started working later & later. He must do at least an hour's overtime every day now, often up to 3 hours & has been known to not get home until nearly midnight. He doesn't get paid for this but insists it's necessary to get his work finished.

I feel like I bought into a relationship & lifestyle that was just a fantasy. I had this idea of him being home for dinner as a family every night, we'd get the DC to bed together & then have a lovely evening. What I've actually got is me being alone with the DC all day & him being too exhausted/stressed to have more than a 5 minute conversation. The weekends are generally lovely because he's here & engaging with us but during the week he makes it pretty clear despite what he says that his work is his main priority. I've tried to talk to him about it & he apologises & makes all the right noises but after about 2 days everything is back to normal.

Iam my Tasmanian devil is only 3 but I've got a thus far non TD-like 2yo as well. It's so difficult when you can't just pop out somewhere with them, isn't it? I feel like I'd cope a lot better with my stagnated marriage if I could have normal friendships, go on playdates or even just take the DC out to the park without constantly having to be hyper-vigilant watching DS1 to check he's not about to meltdown or just randomly bolt! He's on the verge of not fitting in shopping trollies & when that happens we're going to have to avoid taking him into the supermarket at all - which means I'm going to be left at home with him on weekends too!

Wom - My DS takes up the WHOLE shopping trolly. I just stick the shopping on top of him now! (as he howls when the milk is cold on his legs!!) LOL! I have no shame now.

He often sits in the large trolly even if I only need a handful of things, because it's easier to get around the supermarket that way.

On the plus side, my DS is beginning to stand up for himself (which I am thankful for) One oldish woman once admonished him for doing something naughty and she said 'YOU are VERY VERY naughty' and he looked at her, quite thoughtfully and then said 'YOU have REALLY BIG cracks on your face'

Recently, on a train, his IPad wasn't working and he shouted 'Oh, BOLLOCKS' (he's only 7!) It's a wonder I leave the house at all ;-)

I guess, for me, I do still have a 'working' relationship with DH. I mean, he'll tell me what he wants doing in the house and I'll do it. We get on well enough for that.

I guess, I'd just like him to come in and listen to me, say 'hey,how was YOUR day?' but I'm not important. His day was important. He needs time off at weekends (Hello!?! Where's My day off!) HE needs his hobbies (but we have zero childcare) but I'm not supposed to have an opinion. Not supposed to expect anything of him. Just get on with it and laugh about my easy life.

Iam

Your H is abusive and continues to abuse you. Actually yours is one of the saddest posts I have read in a long while; he rules the roost and acts like the Big Man.

Re your comment:-
"I don't disagree with you as such Attila - I am absolutely sure that me normalising that 'men make the rules and women clean the kitchen' ABSOLUTELY comes from my parents. Even now (and my mother knows exactly the state of my relationship, she would be devastated if we split but she would lose the plot if I left. In her eyes, there is nothing worse than divorce... and for a woman to leave is even worse.

But, just about the effects on the kids... I can promise you it would destroy my son. Say we split, my son (who is with me pretty much 24/7) would have to somehow learn to split time between two home and two parents and he'd have to leave this place.

And for what? Nah, I'm going with status quo. Easier all round".

It would not make much difference if he left; he is hardly there as it is.

Your mother's own poor advice also played a role here in you also being where you are now; its not about her though and she does not have to live with your H day to day. She is not acting in her best interests here; only hers. She is only thinking of her own self here.

Your H has done a lot of bad things to you not least of all calling the police for you supposedly drink driving.

I would argue the emotional cost for you is too high and your children will not thank you for staying within this at all. You put a gloss on it because its easier to say well its not a bad life. Its instead a gilded cage he has put you in but its still a cage. You have no say in this relationship at all; he has all the power and control and uses all that against you for his own ends. He says jump and you say how high.

I think you are stronger than you think you are; the problem is that you do not believe that for your own self. No-one should live like you do (and in turn your children because they see how he treats you all too clearly).

His aim ultimately is to completely break you.

Iam

(On an entirely different matter, how long do you intend to home school your DS for?. Would you at all consider any formal schooling with him having an EHCP?).

I would also think your H would spend little to no time at all with his children if you were separated from him; his needs and wants are that bloody important. If he truly loves his son he would want his son to remain in your current home; also as his mother and primary care giver your legal position too is quite strong. You need legal advice and also knowledge is power. I realise that you do not want to go down that route but your position within this marriage is really untenable longer term.

He is the sort as well who would make any separation as long and protracted as possible as punishment and would be unreasonable at every turn with all aspects.

I reckon he treats his employees better than you and I would think he saves all his hate and abuse for you solely as well.

Better to be apart and happier in your own skin than to be together and miserable. That is the alternative.

Attila - it would not make a difference?

I disagree. He would make me sell the house, for sure.

He would make me get a job (which, regardless of qualifications, would be menial at best as I would have to work around DS and he's not really the easiest child to take to appts.)

He would insist on time with the kids without me, even though that has NEVER happened EVER and he's not used to looking after both of them.

In short, the kids would be unhappy NOW. Maybe (or maybe not) they will disagree with my choices when they are older, but I know for sure they would disagree NOW and be unhappy NOW if we split.

Nasty man your H. He would try to do that to spite you but he does not make the laws re property, finances or access post separation. This is where proper legal advice comes into play. You would need a very good lawyer and one also experienced in the ways of wily and controlling men.

No man is above the law and that includes him. He being completely power crazed anyway would demand "access" and "time" with his children, something that he has never really done before now. Its all done by such entitled abusive men to get back at the mother as punishment; they know all too well what buttons to push and the children are the weakest point when it comes to the mother. He'd probably make you go to mediation as well, snort. He is really not much different from any other abusive man I have read about, they seem to have the same sort of scripts and behaviours.

I think your life on an emotional level at least day to day would be a lot brighter in the longer term and your children would see that as well. What do you want to model to them in terms of relationships?. The same crap as your mother told you?. That never did you any favours either.

Children do like their parents to be and stay together but ideally in a stable relationship where both parties have equal say and rights. What they end up being taught otherwise is a shedload of damaging stuff to the effect that this is the "norm" for them as well; this is how people behave in marriage. You have no say or rights in this marriage at all; you are there to be quiet, move around his ever changing goalposts and to keep your feelings in check. They are not mature enough to make decisions on whether mum and dad should stay together or not.

If nothing else Iam, I have made you think some more.

I killed the hug thread... Please come back people. Xx

I àm still here .

Hope you are ok iam and others.

This thread is saddens me.

Those that are in sexless marriages, maybe you can rekindle what you and your partners we like in the early years of your marriages?... spend at least a year trying? Start off with small gestures and gradually build up?

I have multiple personalities, wigs, clothing styles and all sorts to keep things interesting and I'm still very playful. He is still chivalrous, affectionate, considerate, caring- we both share a common goal- keeping desire alive

adipose dont you think posters have thought of that already. They cannot be expected to control their partners behaviour or be responsible for it. Or to make someone want them.

Iamatotalandutteridiot Mon 24-Aug-15 11:55:47
And don't even get me started on when DH gets a lunch break... he goes shopping - buys the kids toys or clothes; buys whatever he wants / needs himself.

If I want to go to a shop, it is with a 7YO large Tasmanian devil who will do whatever it takes to get out of the shop

What about this posters DH making the effort eh? or does the fact he has a penis give him a get out clause. He seems to think vagina = all responsibility for childcare.

adipose what you are advising posters to do is basically a version of the please pick me dance that some feel compelled to do when they find out that their partner is having an affair.

What on earth makes you think that posters want their partners to have sex with them when they dont really want to. I would not want sex with someone that dosnt desire me. And im guessing many here dont either. Its not somehow different for women you know.

Why would a partner not want to engage in sexual intimacy or affection with their spouse? these two things, as important as they are in a marriage are lacking in the above testimonies.

Seldom hear about divorce or affairs occurring because a spouse no longer buys their partners things (unless gifts are your primary love language)- that is more so a symptom of a deeper issue. That deeper issue tends to be that of desire or not getting one's needs met- desire is a huge motivation in relationships. Getting caught up in life, becoming child centred as well as a whole range of other things can cause the desire between spouses to wane. Before you know whats happening, you are essentially flat mates.

We did not want that so we made the concious effort to reclaim this part of our union and have not looked back.

Read 'his needs, her needs' by willard f harley and '10 lessons to transform your marriage' by john m gottman

Adipose... Please re read what you read: we did not want that so made the conscious effort...

See... we...

So your advice when only one partner has an issue with the lack of affection?

My DH does not want or need my affection. He doesn't want to hold my hand in public, give me a cuddle or take me on a date night.

I don't believe for a second he wants to do that with anyone else and I sure as hell I don't.

It is not about either of us ever leaving our marriage (we won't)

As for the buying stuff... Of course it's nothing to do with material gifts... It's about that person thinking about you. Like, if see the skin care products my DSDs like to use on special offer, I will buy them... If I see a magazine that DH doesn't have or some chocolate that he likes, I'll pop it in the basket.. It's not the effort to 'go and buy something' nor is it the monetary value, it is knowing that someone thought about you.... For me personally, it would also be the recognition that it is very difficult for me to go to any shop where DS cannot sit in the trolley. So, that would be supermarkets basically... Even the ones that stock clothes, I cannot take the time to try them on, so I have to get them and return them if they are not suitable... Occasionally, it would be nice if DH came and said... Hey I got you some new pjs.

It really has nothing to do with wigs or clothing styles

Yep Iam. You are so right, it's the "we" that's missing.

It is our 4th wedding anniversary on Monday. I have struggled so much buying a gift. My heart isn't in it any more. I think I'm going to write her a letter. We have had sex 3 times since we got married. Now she's always got excuses and like most of you there is little to no physical contact unless done by me. I always feel like I'm begging for affection. She makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting to have sex. like I'm not normal. I'm sick of it.

KissingFish "had sex 3 times since we got married"
Jings, that is tough to take.
You'll be drinking like a fish to try forget that situation.

We had our 8 year anniversary recently. I loathe greetings cards & have told him so many times, he still insists on buying something pink & flowery with an insipid poem on... This year he'd not even thought about it until I phoned him at work to say happy anniversary - he went out in his lunch break to buy a card because he thinks that's what is expected of him. Then we got a take away & sat on different sofas before going to bed in different beds. It's nice that he cares enough to buy the card, I guess... just a shame that he doesn't think about what I'd actually like & just goes along with the stereotype & thinks that's enough. I'd much rather have him show an interest in me than spend £3 on a bit of mushed up tree with a twee message on that's just going to get thrown in the bin after a few days.

I'm not even 30 yet, surely life isn't supposed to be like this?!

I agree that some people just don't need affection / physical contact. My DH doesn't need it at all. Of course, he hasn't verbalised this ... I don't think he even realises this isn't normal - then again, reading all the responses on this thread it appears that he isn't that unique after all. This thread has been extremely helpful in that regard. My DH was raised by non-demonstrative parents, not many hugs, kisses, affection. I can see why he doesn't require it as an adult. However, I was raised by non-affectionate parents too - yet I crave physical affection.

The only physical affection I received for most of our marriage was when we had sex. Now that our marriage is becoming sexless ... there is no physical affection at all and it is killing me. I miss being touched so much. My DC are older, late teens. They will let me hug them and I can ask for a quick kiss goodbye on occasion - but if I overdo it they can get annoyed :(.

I have been married for 20 years and for most of that time our marriage has been good. Our sex life has been dwindling for the past year or two. I am grieving for the end of our sex life. Our marriage is entering a new phase but I don't know how long I live like this - for the rest of my life ? I'm not sure I can. I feel very sad for those of you who are younger (the last two posters). Life really is too short.

Adipose with the greatest of respect, you really don't understand this dynamic that you're trying to give advice on. A situation where one partner is choosing to ignore and minimise the emotional needs of the other is is an abusive situation, it's not a relationship that just needs a bit of spicing up. I started a thread like this years ago about my ex husband and people told me to get dressed up, cook a nice meal, open a bottle of wine and put some romantic music on. Well first of all its not like I couldn't think of doing that - but the main thing is, my ex would have got his rocks off on rejecting me after I'd gone to so much effort. He'd have eaten the meal, refused the wine and then casually said, "right goodnight then" and taken himself off to bed. I'd have been devastated way beyond the norm due to having raised the stakes and made myself so much more vulnerable than usual. He'd be in his room no doubt tripping off feeling like the most sated emotional vampire of all time. I was an attractive young thing at the time and very fit (weights and cardio every day) sometimes I'd get myself all made up, trip into the room in heels and lingerie trying to get his attention but he'd just ignore. I now see it was part of a whole package of systematic abuse.

Physical contact, affection and sexual feelings are a basic, necessary human need. Everyone needs these to some degree to survive and feel human. so please don't feel selfish about having these feelings and wishing they were fulfilled.

I'm sort of in the opposite position, ie lots of deep love and respect, lots of affection with my DH and a great emotional and mental connection but no sex for many years. Reading the OP, I recognise my situation feels just as lonely and heartbreaking, knowing there's a deep biological need to express my love and have it reciprocated, but with no way of doing so without cheating. I don't want to do that, but the feelings of rejection/not being sexy or good enough etc were hurting a lot. Following a comment on another thread, I bit the bullet and spoke honestly and kindly as I could to my husband. I felt incredibly guilty, selfish, disloyal etc but I had to be honest with myself and him. I love him and will never betray him, but I can't live without actual sexual intimacy. It's not anyone's fault, and I just don't subscribe to the 'abusive husband' theory. I have to express that emotion somehow. To get to the point, we agreed to open the marriage so that I can feel fulfilled without deceit, lying etc. i will always come home to my husband and children. But he's accepted my strong needs and feelings, and treats me as kindly and affectionately as ever - probably more so now. I totally get that it's not an option for everyone. But I'm sharing this as it could be one option to talk about either directly with your DH or through counselling.