If you get little or no affection in your marriage but do not want to leave

[Donotknowhownottomind]

what do you do ?

We are on holiday and the whole issue is really staring me in the face.

Literally h never touches me or when he does it is such an occurrence that I almost remember the date it happened.

Yet he is very touchy feely with the kids which highlights even more how much he doesn't touch me.

Night after night he will sleep in the same bed as me without touching me. Once in a blue moon he might initiate sex but mostly it's me - rarely though as the whole thing is a bit soul destroying. When that does happen it's mostly good.

We are now on holiday and have somehow ended up both sharing beds with the dc (who do not want to sleep in the same double bed) which has really really made me feel lonely! At least at home we are in the same bed (even though that is also very lonely - for their never to be an extended hand unless I do the extending).

I have told h how I feel many times. Have also posted about this before.

So if leaving is not an option, what do I do ?

I've been lurking here reading all the responses and nodding along to most of them.

The intimacy has been slowly declining for over a year now but it reached critical point after my parent died. In the lead up to her dying I was noticing the lack of affection more and more and afterwards it was glaringly obvious but I had to concentrate on grieving and organising the funeral and house clearance etc etc so didn't let myself think about the things missing in our relationship.
I even excused some of the behaviour by saying he doesn't know how to deal with me like this as he's never seen me grieving and he's never gone through any great losses himself. Of course, that's bollox! He should be supportive of me through anything.

It came to a head 4 months ago, my behaviour has changed towards him and he doesn't like it, he got drunk just before mums birthday and was violent towards me. I retaliated. It was horrific. The only saving grace is that our child wasn't in the house that night. We had crisis talks, I explained we had crossed lines and didn't think we should or could move forward. He made promises and I (stupidly and pathetically) agreed he could stay.
He lied.
4 months on and he's still not making an effort at all. I've fucking begged him, pleaded with him, taken the initiative, told him to leave and nothing changes.
He's not been violent since, that's the only thing he's done that he said he'd do. It was all swept under the carpet and ignored.

I've now built up this massive wall so he can't hurt me anymore. But that means that even when he's being 'nice' and seemingly making some small effort it doesn't get through.

I can't take it. It's like he's got multiple personalities, we'll have sex and I'll be reminded of the lovely affectionate man who wooed me (another one who pursued and was highly sexed to start with!) and I'll let my guard down a bit and start to be affectionate with him and then a few hours later, he'll be being a thoughtless, unloving prat again and I go back to 'what's the fucking point' again.

I just want to be loved.

He has been violent towards you; it was well and truly over at that point. There is no guarantee either that there will be no further violence.

What was his response when you told him to leave; a flat refusal to do so?.
No man is above the law here and legal means can and should be employed. At the very least you need to seek legal advice.

Is this what you want to teach your child about relationships; that this is really what marriage is like; that a loveless marriage will become their norm as well?.

The poster who mentioned systematic abuse is correct in my view as well, these men are abusive.

I know that you're right Attila, I've said the same thing... As soon as there is violence that's it. I've even offered it as advice myself (not since). And I always swore that I would never be the person that accepts violence or allows it in my relationship. And yet here he still is.

When I asked him to leave he told me he had nowhere else to go and that he didn't want to go. Hindsight being the beautiful thing it is, I realise I should've just insisted he went there and then.

We are not even married. It was something we were going to do in the beginning and never got round to and now he "doesn't believe" in marriage anymore.

When I read what I've written I can't quite believe he is still here.
I am a mess but present a happy balanced front to my lovely little child.
I keep being told I shouldn't make rash decisions until after the first anniversary of my mums death. I'm quite sure this relationship won't make it to then.

Some that was a form of abuse and I'm pleased to hear you left this man.
Can I ask what was your ex like otherwise ? Was he emotionally abusive in other ways ?

My dilemma is my DH is otherwise a good and decent man. He is a great Dad, hardworking, funny, kind, caring, unselfish, he would do anything for me. I know he loves me very much. But he is unable to express his feelings, show demonstrative love and now sadly unable to give intimate/physical love. I don't think he is deliberately withholding - it's more like just the way he is. I think it's perhaps due to his upbringing and a repressed attitude to sex. Do you think it is abuse in this case ?

I must add that I am the one to have kept our sex life going for the past number of years. I have spoken to DH many times about how sex and affection is important to me. I have told him if we don't keep it going sex will become awkward and embarrassing (he seems to suffer from this guilt complex regarding sex/nudity too). I told him if you don't use it, you'll lose it! The problem is I no longer want to be the one to always take the initiative of keeping our sex life alive. Its obviously all one-sided and I don't see the point if he really doesn't want it / his heart isn't in it.

Gabby I don't think being unable to express feelings, show demonstrative love or give intimate/physical love is abusive. But I think if someone has made a commitment to somebody who values physical intimacy, with the expectation that physical intimacy will be a part of the relationship, and then is suddenly, or gradually, for whatever reason, unable to meet that expectation, I think refusing to acknowledge the impact on the partner is selfish and cruel; as is failing to talk about it in a meaningful way, listening to their point of view and reassuring them - with a view to resolving the problem or finding a compromise.

Does he go to counselling? Has he seen his GP to rule out a medical cause? etc. If he is kind, caring and unselfish and would do anything for you, I would expect him to be doing these two things as an absolute minimum. Having a medical or psychological issue that is clearly seriously impacting on your primary relationship and doing little or nothing to show that you care is an abuse of the trust and commitment you supposedly have for each other - just as having an addiction problem and not seeking treatment can be abusive.

What was he like when you were dating, Gabby? He must have been affectionate at some point?

Feadhucked if you want to be loved, you need to remove this man from your life immediately because he is the number one obstacle to that ever happening. If you can get him out of your hair and spend some time healing, it will open up the possibility of that happening. If you stay with him, you will just continue to be hated and despised because he is an absolute piece of shit excuse for a human being that you shouldn't have to wipe off your shoe.

...oh and in my experience, the physical violence is not the worst bit.

dontknowhownottomind it's hard to know what's behind it in your case, but it seems to me that your best case scenario is your h has some kind of psychological issue, which he won't seek help for due to his ego and the stupid macho culture that says it's better to die than to cry. But come on, if it's that, he could at least talk to you and acknowledge what a shitty end of the stick you're getting because he won't face up to things. God knows I bet you yourself have done absolutely everything you can think of to try and resolve this - but you can't change him you know. Only he can.

Less good scenarios are: he's trying to undermine your confidence to keep you trapped in the relationship because he thinks if he can erode your self esteem sufficiently, you won't have the strength to walk away from him. Or he's having an affair. I was blown away when I discovered my ex had been having a physical relationship with another woman for the last six years because I was so convinced he didn't have it in him.

Someones you're right. The physical violence isn't the worst bit.

I'm quite certain I am in an abusive relationship, he is emotionally abusive and I need to leave.
Pathetically, I just can't face it at the moment. My brain just can't follow through when I start thinking about the practicalities involved in him leaving. I'm just so tired and still grieving for my mum.

I'm sorry OP, I've hijacked your thread.
And it clearly states in the title 'and you don't want to leave'.
I'm building up to starting my own thread and this has helped. It's also made me realise I'm not abnormal for needing/wanting intimacy and affection.

You are in an abusive relationship. None of his behaviour is at all acceptable he is very, very abusive. With the death of your mum, you are extremely vulnerable and he is using the opportunity, when you are not as strong as usual, to destroy your self esteem and make you more dependant on him. Do you have your own thread I can post on? If not, maybe start one. Mumsnet got me out and we can get you out.

OP why is leaving not an option? You don't say in any of your posts. And you don't say that you love him.

Some he was always a bit reserved. In the beginning, I was always the one to take the lead and he would reciprocate but he obviously got worse as the years went on. He would go to counselling if I asked. I will consider it.

I wish I knew. It's horrible isn't it?

Previous poster registered in a new name as couldn't get the old account to work, anyway...In the past year or so I've lost a fair bit of weight, am short and 50 odd and now feel (and look) so much better, I do a physical job and that is so much easier now, so all in all I am bloody delighted with myself. However DP is not impressed and I have been told well done me and all that but he doesn't like it and he can show no further affection, I'm too thin apparantly and also my hair is now too short. Sorry, had a haircut, do apologise. He's never been very affectionate but now nothing at all, not a hug not a kiss goodnight, no physical contact at all. Been together 8 years, he's put on 7 stone in that time, inactive due to health problems. No talking to him at all. So very sorry that so many are in the same boat.

yahtothestripeyjar I am so sorry to hear about your DP's behaviour - do you think he feels threatened by how well you are doing? He sounds very unpleasant and not at all supportive or deserving of you.

I wonder if he feels threatened, I don't know, but I know it has taken away from what should be a positive time and made me doubt myself although I know I shouldn't. People surely don't live like this though. I can't afford to leave, low wages /high rent.

someones

I can't leave because I don't earn enough (though am working on this), there would be a massive battle over assets which I am pretty sure h considers to be mainly his and lastly but the most important thing: the dc are 9, 11 and 13 and all getting to an age where they could start to choose where they want to live. Could not bear to live apart from my dc. Already 50/50 must be very hard but more than that must be terrible.

Yes have wondered about all 3 of your possible reasons for the lack if affection. I don't think his parents would have been demonstrative so that's partly it.

Sometimes I like/love him, sometimes I really don't. It's difficult to love someone who keeps you at bay in the way my h does. He does not treat me as an equal partner in financial matters either which rankles as much as the lack of affection.

I don't know. I will keep on working on my plan for me. On a day to day basis it's OK (which is a big improvement over how it was the previous 2 or 3 years) and I have lots of things I need to be doing.

One thing I do think though is that I am going to have as much fun as possible - with the dc and with friends. Also that I don't owe h anything.

If h wants to join in the fun then fine. If he doesn't, fine too!

I guess living apart from the dc would be too high a price to pay for affection / feeling desired.

There is never a good time to leave and what lessons have already been imparted to your children on relationships here?. Would you want them to repeat the same patterns as adults that you and he have played out in your relationship?. They are of very impressionable age and lessons learnt can stick.

Its of no surprise to me at all that your H does not treat you as an equal in financial matters; such arrogant and entitled men tend to regard all around them including the children as their property. I would also think your H would make any and all aspects of separation as protracted and difficult as possible; such men do not let go of their victims easily.

Would such a man as you describe though really want more than 50/50 access in any case; such men can and do threaten full custody purely and simply to get back at the mother as punishment. These men clearly know that the children are the mother's weakest point and use them accordingly against her. Can you actually see a man who has always put himself first and foremost, actually act in and for his children's interests?. Not a chance.

He's not interested in them really, he wants to use them instead to get back at you. I would also think the children's opinions would count and that they would overall rather spend more time with you. You really need to talk to a Solicitor about all this; this, "I would spend time apart from my children" is based on fear and is in any case not a good enough reason to at all stay within this (and you need time apart from them anyway; they are of school age and thus have to be without you sometimes). Leaving is scary I grant you hence you putting up such obstacles into leaving but remaining within this will be a whole lot worse for you (and in turn them) in the long run.

One day your children will leave home (and perhaps sooner rather than later as well given the atmosphere at home). What then for you and your H?. What if he becomes incapacitated and you end up being his carer?.

What do you mean when you say he doesn't treat you as an equal partner in financial matters?

Attila is right the worst part of being apart from your children (assuming they are not in danger or being neglected obviously) is the thought of it and the first few times as you adjust. Yesterday I dropped my son off at his dad's for the day, did the shopping, cleaned up and then had a lovely childfree evening out with a friend.

I have enough money and he is not controlling minute by minute. The house is only in his name however and even though we are married, this rankles for lots of reasons.

attila on a day to day basis our relationship is ok - we would all be sadder / worse off if not together. He is very attached to the dc - he is not using them to get back at me.

In the main yes I would rather they witnessed a more affectionate marriage but generally I would say it's ok for them.