She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

No abuse, OP, sounds like a considered but hard decision. She will need some time to come to terms with it no doubt.

I think your reasons are amazingly valid and while she may be disappointed she can't begrudge you those genuine reasons. She might be cross or sad you didn't tell her earlier, but hopefully this is something she can reconcile.

Good luck - you sound like an amazing dad

No abuse here, that can't have been an easy conversation to have.

You've done the right thing by being honest with her, although you maybe should have done that from the start.

You sound like a wonderful, hands-on dad, and given your reasons above, I can understand why you don't want another child.

If your wife does, it's unlikely that want will go away. If she stays with you, she may well end up resenting you in the future. If you give in and have another child, you may well end up resenting her. Are you prepared to end your marriage over this? If you want different things, you need to sit and have a very honest discussion about where you go from here. Good luck.

I'm so sorry

I hope, very much, that you won't get flamed for posting this, as I think you've laid out your case well, and sensitively.

I feel sorry for both of you, as it's so easy to see both sides of this - I can see why your wife would want another child with you, but I can see why the two that you have are 'enough' for you.

I think, to be totally honest, you've probably hurt her more than you intended by being, as you say, non-committal and untruthful.

Now is the time, when she comes back, to sit down and talk, talk, talk. Don't rule out the possibility of having another child - despite the practicalities - because you need to discuss it properly with your wife.

You also, I think, need to talk it through - if you can/are on sufficiently good terms - with your ex-wife, so that you can talk through the implications of another child and its impact on your son/your arrangements with him/her.

Have you considered counselling at all? I have no idea if they can help you with an issue like this, but it strikes me that the presence of a 'calm', objective third party might be invaluable as you try and work this through together.

Good luck.

I can see where you're coming from.

It's good you've told her.

I hope she will eventually understand where you're coming from.

OP do you get any help/respite care for your son?

You sound like you have made a careful considered decision. Unfortunately wanting a baby is a very emotional urge.

I hope you both reach an understanding.

I do understand what you're saying, and I do understand how much thought you've put into this. But what you're essentially saying is that you have 2 children yet will not allow her the same.

If I were your wife I'm afraid I would have to seriously rethink the future.

Also, how do you feel about your dd potentially being the only one around for your Ds once you have departed this world? And dd potentially being left alone with no family?

No abuse at all your reasons seem very worthy and fully justified. Your wife maybe be upset because you've kind of misled her into thinking you may want a 3rd some day. I'd say this is where you've gone wrong and probably why she's most upset. If you had said from after your dd was born you wanted no more then she will of dealt with it then instead you've allowed her to think this could be a possibility .

I can totally understand you and it's not like you never wanted any children with her.
I think you are doing the right thing for your son too, as it would be easy to concentrate more on your other two children as they would be more demanding on you than just one.

Unfortunately, people are all different and, although I don't think you will get a roasting here, she may well decide she wants another child, if not with you with someone else.
Give her the space she needs and all the understanding she needs too.

It is a tough situation, though, and you have my sympathy, as does your wife.

You opinion is totally valid and not at all inacceptable or unreasonable. Your son wont get easier and adding another child will make life much more difficult. It is comoletely your right to say that is all you can cope with. It is now your wifes right to decide how she will respond.

Very tough

It's not about your wife wanting a third though is it, it's about her wanting a second.
All the reasons against are good ones, but ultimately the desire for more than one DC is strong in most parents, and I do think you have misled her.

You are being far from selfish

You sound like this is a very well thought out decision and in your situation I'd probably make the same one

Of course your wife will be disappointed, it's awful when you can't agree on something so big but that's no ones fault

You have very good reasons for coming to the decision you have. The problem is you haven't been honest with your wife up til now. She is likely to feel like you have deceived her and that could be very difficult for her to get past. And she also has to come to terms with not having another child.

Give her time, talk to her and listen to her. Try to explain what you have here. I hope you can work through it together.

I think you should have been honest with her a long time ago about the fact that you were only planning to allow her to have one child.

You have, very conveniently for your own interests, waited unt you thought you had her over a barrel before telling her what you have always known.

I think that was shit of you. She deserved to make a decision about making a life with you based on all the facts. You took that from her so you could get what you wanted.

Yes, that was very selfish.

But nice try pretending that you don't already know the MN line on this.

I'm sorry but I agree with those that day you have decided that two is enough for you. But you have only allowed your wife to have an only child. Difficult to hear I'm sure as you have no doubt convinced yourself that you have blended your families beautifully.

But the hard truth is that your daughter will not have a sibling she can play with or talk to or confide in. She instead has a half sibling with profound difficulties that she may end up being a carer for in her old age.

I honestly think you should have another think about this and figure out whether your selflessness towards your first family is actually selfishness towards your second.

Thanks all. I fully accept that this would've been easier had I just said 'no more' after our daughter came along. But I think knowing she wanted one, I a: didn't want to hurt her(though maybe that could also be 'didn't want a tough conversation) and b: I have tried to want one, for her.

In answer to some of the other questions:

My ex wife is now remarried, with a 14 month old daughter, and another one on the way. She doesn't work, as an inheritance has paid off their mortgage. In terms of future care for him when we're all too old/dead, DS will have three siblings and between the four of them they'll be OK financially I guess. Tbh his mom and I haven't given much thought to (or at least had discussion on) what happens when he's 12/22/32 etc. We don't know what his needs will be, so we really only tend to think a year in advance.

We don't have much external support, more using each other as respite. Our arrangement means that both families get time with and without him around so the balance is good.

Resentment is a concern, obviously. She's bound to resent me, and it's not unfathomable that there's a subconscious resentment towards my past, as without that she'd doubtless be getting the second child she craves.

I can understand her wanting a sibling for our daughter that will be able to provide her with a bond and relationship that my son will never be capable of. That's another reason I've tried so hard to change my mind, and another monster of guilt that's eating me. But guilt isn't a reason to have a child in the situation I'm in.

You've deceived your wife for X years, knowing you didn't want another child.

I don't disagree with your reasons, but you've lied to your wife and potentially wasted years of her time and fertility.

Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

"Protect her feeling" my fat backside. Protect you from having to be honest and have a difficult conversation, more like.

If I was your wife I wouldn't forgive your dishonesty.

I have 3, eldest is severely disabled. I would have been happy just having my eldest (desperately wanted to be a mum, didn't care how many, so I didn't feel the same need for a second child as your wife).

Just a few thoughts. It's nice for the younger two to have each other, especially given the complexity of their brother's needs. And as your son gets older you will (if you battle for it) get more support from social services. Albeit it may not be enough.

That doesn't mean I think your reasoning is wrong, just to give another side. I did cry for weeks when I found out I was pregnant with ds3, couldn't imagine coping at all.

The money is a different thing (& equally valid even if you did come to terms with the rest of it).

It's hard, you have perfectly reasonable reasons for feeling the way you do. As does your wife. Could you go to some joint counselling so it doesn't become a huge thing?

No abuse from me either.

It's one of those situations where no compromise is possible - one of you is not going to 'get' what they want. V v hard.
You have thought long and hard and you have valid reasons for how you feel about adding another child to the mix.

The only thing I'd say is that babies do not stay babies for long; even toddlers turn in to children and grow up.

I have 4 DSs and have just had 2 weeks with only 2 (younger two were at their grandparents for a couple of weeks) and I could not believe how easy it was dealing with 2 pre-teens!
But- day to day we have learnt to deal with 3 and 4 (and their added friends) and it is great fun - hard work, put strain on our relationship, not always fun and games, but for me it's always been a long game: having young adults in my life, being part of their lives (hopefully!) and with some luck grandchildren.
I was in my late 30s before I had my first and in my mid 40s when I had DS4 - I would not claim that I have no regrets that would outweigh the upsides.

I think you need to have further discussions with your DW.
I think she should spend more time with both children. On her own.

I do not hold it against you that you took some time to find the strength to be brutally honest - not your finest hour, but quite human.

I don't think you have deliberately misled her op. It's a hard conversation to have to deliver the final statement that you don't want any more children, and given your dd is so young I imagine that it wasn't a decision you came to lightly. But IMO your reasons are perfectly valid. I also disagree with the PP who suggested you should have this conversation with your ex in terms of the potential implications of another baby on your existing ds. To be blunt, the children the op already has should be his priority and his ds' mum certainly shouldn't be expected to be considerate of his new partner's wish for another baby when it comes to the care and access to his already existing (severely disabled) child.

"Also, how do you feel about your dd potentially being the only one around for your Ds once you have departed this world? And dd potentially being left alone with no family?" that is an incredibly emotionally manipulative statement to make and one which should never be considered. There are no guarantees in this world, and ultimately the dd may never want to or be expected to be the one who sticks around for the op's ds. Most parents of severely disabled children hope to make arrangements which mean that their children won't be responsible for their disabled siblings. And potentially not having any other family around isn't a reason to have another baby either. Plenty of siblings don't have good relationships into adulthood, and fulfilling the non guaranteed potential needs of a child is a completely wrong reason to have a baby.

Op, only your dw knows whether or not she can continue this relationship if she can't have another baby. Personally I think that to break up a family for her own selfish want for a baby which she may never have anyway is completely unreasonable.

Got to take issue with you there, bathtimefunkster. There is nothing even remotely 'convenient' about my situation, and the suggestion that this is all part of a fucking masterplan is incredibly crass.

Sorry to hear you're both at odds. I went through similar in that I have 2 kids with my partner. He has 2 from a previous relationship and I wanted 4. He didn't want anymore. So his card trumped mine! It was hard to get over but my want for more children wasn't such that I was going to break up the family and take a gamble on meeting someone and it all working out. Ultimately I wanted kids with him but it wasn't to be. 3 years on I've moved on, past the baby stage and am enjoying the next stage and don't long for another like I did.

So yes, i did recover and move on. However, honestly, i'm not sure how I'd feel having had only one child of my own. I also wonder, whilst it won't be immediate, whether having a second child wouldn't take some pressure of of you whilst caring for your son as they will play together and entertain each other. Also, could it be that your wife is around more to help you out a year down the line. Any prospect of changing shifts \ jobs to make having another baby more practicable. Hope that makes sense and I hope you can both work it out.

Wow, so your ex-wife, who is your son's RP is going to have 3 children (at least), but your second wife can only have one child because you can't cope as his NRP.

That's going to sting.

Ultimately, you can't make yourself want another child any more that your wife can make herself not want one.

Ultimately I believe that you shouldn't plan to have a child unless that child is wanted by both parents.

Are you prepared to end your marriage over this OP? It's a very real possibility that this could be a deal breaker for your wife.

I think you'd always have to accept if it came to your DW deciding that she needed another child more than she needed you and left - heartbreaking, but entirely her choice to make.