She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

NumberTwelve, just as you now feel differently about having another child, how you feel about it can change again.
For the sake of your marriage you need to both find a way to continue communicating with each other.

and no, how many other children the ex has is irrelevant. My ex has a dsd and his gf is pregnant. If my dp threw that into an argument over wanting another baby I would probably leave him for that alone.

And if you have a severely disabled child, even one or two nights a week with weekends as well will be hard on all the family, but if the op's dw has never looked after both dc on her own she won't actually have any idea of what that entails, so cannot possibly judge for herself as the situation is different for the op than it is for her.

I'm cross. Not at you OP, but at the flaming you are getting for finally being honest. What's done is done but your wife has to take some responsibility here. What's that phrase - it takes a village to raise a child! She is a step mum to your son. Presumably she knew of his existence and your commitment to him when she married you and you and he come as a package. How about she helps more for the whole colourful family you have rather than bringing another shiny, new mouth to feed that's all her own.
How does she interact with your son? Does she take an active role in his life?
If not, then why not? Coz she should.

Op is getting a hard time off a few people. He's primary carer of the children (mainly the 2 year) Would people tell a woman who was primary carer of children, she was selfish for not wanting another when DH/DP did?

To answer the one about my ex having a third baby... Yes, that one is going to hurt. "if they can do it, so can we" was said.

This was exactly my thoughts when I read about your ex-wife's situation. If I were your current wife I'd resent this massively when I was lead to believe that another child was an option.

I do, completely, understand why you might not want another child but you have been hugely unfair to your wife by letting her believe that it was an option for the future and not having the difficult conversation much earlier.

It might be a deal breaker for her. It might not. I think I would struggle to cope with the resentment though.

it is wrong to bring an unwanted child into the world

Whatever you both decide on, a partner want for a child should not trump another partner not wanting a child.
We'd take a very dim view of a man who insisted his wife had another child even though she had decided she didn't want to, or changed her mind.
This is the same.
You are not in the wrong. But she may well decide her wanting a child is more important than being with you. If that is the case, let her go

AndNowItsSeven are you serious?

The OP helps care for his son two nights a week, and has him most of the weekend. Do you have any understanding of how difficult it can be caring for a child with a disability?

The OP has also said his sons needs may well change as he gets older. Whether you agree with his decision not to have another child or not, don't be dismissive about the amount of time he spends looking after his disabled child.

Doreen, our daughter was one when we married. The 'deception' has been centered around our second.

"Why would the op need respite or help ? He only has his ds one or two nights a week.
Op if your son was living with you I could understand your thinking. However as you only have your ds for a limited time in the week I really don't understand your post. I think you are being very selfish both towards your wife and daughter."

I haven't suggested I need respite. I've explained to somebody who asked why it isn't necessary.

I accept that I'm not a full time caregiver to DS, but that doesn't equate that the time that I do have with him is irrelevant to how I feel. When he's asleep he's easy, sleeping right through. As well as the weekend, I have two midweek evenings where I pick him up from four, play, feed (like one would a baby), physio, wash, and put him to bed, either side is forty minutes driving. That's hard on his own. Very hard when my wife is working and I have our daughter as well. Nigh on impossible if I have a third

Perhaps your wife needs to be more involved in the care for both children who are part of your family before deciding she is definitely wanting to add another child to the dynamic?

And if you were a bit cagey about another child, going from no to non-committal then your wife would be a blind fool if she expected a guarantee of another child. Women's intuition means she would know so she is as much to blame for not confronting the situation pre marriage to table the deal breaker of two kids, especially knowing you already had a son with additional needs.

Is there a way you would be prepared to have a 3rd dc/2nd with your dw? If say, she was able to move to an office hours job so would be able to ensure that the time you have your dc1 with you would be when she was available too so you didn't have your dcs with her at the same time? It seems to me your dc1 is only with you outside of normal work hours so if she could move to a non-shift job, it might be more possible for you, or is 3 not an option at all for you?

If there are ways your prepared to consider having another, no matter how "unreasonable" your requirements sound (and I can see why "you have to give up your career" could feel like something you can't say!) then you should be prepared to discuss it.

If DH had said he wouldn't have dc2 with me, I'd have left him. (If he physically couldn't, that would have been a different matter). There's not much I wouldn't have given up for dc2 so worth having the conversation.

If what you are really saying is "as things currently stand, I can't have another baby" then the "as things currently stand" needs to be looked at.

Op I don't have a disabled child, but I can easily see how your stance has changed over time. For those who are s
twisting the situation in order to project their own issues think about it like this:

When the op's dw fell pregnant with their (wanted) dd his (severely disabled, non verbal) ds would have been five. Five year olds are fairly portable, even severely disabled ones. Then fast forward another three years to the point where the dd is two, and the (severely disabled, non verbal) ds is eight. Eight year olds are not as portable as five year olds, and from what the op has said, his development hasn't changed, so his needs are presumably still the same as when he was five, unlike NT five/eight year olds, the situation moved on, the needs of the eldest child did not, iyswim.

So now the op is in a situation where he knows that his eldest child is always going to have severe needs. His needs are going to increase, not decrease, he will get bigger, and stronger, and go through puberty and then into adulthood, and all the while the op will be the one who is his carer while his dw only has her babies to think about. The op is actually considering the future extremely rationally whereas the dw is only thinking about babies and not considering the future at all since she has no part in the care of this child.

Plenty of parents of disabled children decide not to have more children afterwards. And every situation is different. The op's ex's number of children has no bearing on how many the op wants because her situation is different. She may have a supportive partner when it comes to the care of her child. The op does not. And yes, if this was a woman in the situation where the new partner had no input into the care of the severely disabled child and still wanted her to have another baby she would be told to ditch the partner, but the op is of course being flamed because the woman's right to have a baby should win over yada yada yada.

TaliZorahVasNormandy - where did you read the OP is the primary carer of the child - either of them? The ds' mother is clearly his primary carer as he is mostly there and she doesn't work. The dd's mother is out some evenings doing shift work - presumably spending a whack of time with her child during the day.

Iggi, He said she has only ever looked after the children for about an hour when she does. She works shifts, so obviously the childcare falls on him.

Her job is a toughie. She works 3x13 hour shifts per week, and as such for 3 days I'm the primary caregiver to our daughter by virtue if the fact that my wife leaves before our daughter wakes, and she's home after she's asleep. To change to a '9-5' would make evenings easier, but it would also mean a reduction in her income and a doubling of childcare costs.

And VGS, you're right - I think she's known my feelings, but thought I'd just go along with it/get used to it

Actually, I stand correct partially on the main carer of the 2 year old.

sebs Would you have left if you had one child with your ex, and he also shared custody of a child with additional needs?

In your situation I would also have left, and it's a real possibility that the OP's wife might do that, but I think that the OP's circumstances are very different.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Yeah, sorry - independent, 'alone time' care of our daughter is probably 60/40 in wife's favour. The issue being that in my 40%, the probability is that I've also got DS to care for in addition

BifsWip yes two of my seven children are disabled.

op, could you give an idea of what care of your ds involves? IMO people do seem to be overlooking the complexity of his needs, from what you said briefly it sounds as if he has needs which are far more severe than e.g. just a child with profound learning difficulties, am I right in thinking that he has profound physical as well as learning disabilities?

You can't possibly know how many children you'll want until you actually have them, so the idea you should be held to any number you said before actually having them is ridiculous.

I would have said I wanted 5 children before I had my third and last. If I'd had my third first, she would have been an only child. If my DH had left me because I hadn't delivered on the number of children we'd originally wanted, it would have been a case of good riddance.

'Well I indicated I might be open to more than one so I guess I have to stick with that' is not a reason to have a child.

Well it surprises me that you're so dismissive about the OP 'only' caring for his severely disabled child a couple of nights a week.

I would have thought you would understand how difficult it is to help care for a child with additional needs.

Aaah thank you bifs . To answer your question I have no idea.

Once you have one child with someone everything changes I know. What I do know is I would be absolutely furious and totally devastated. Particularly if I thought that having a second child was on the cards.

It's all well and good to say one persons needs doesn't trump the others, but I honestly believe a woman's desire to have a child/children can be a physiological longing that can't just be easily shut off. I know everyone in this forum loves to bang on about equality but I think we are (on the whole) wired totally differently. In my experience men are able to make decisions unemotionally based on fact and logic. Yes of course it makes sense to just stick to two children in this situation, no one can argue that it 'makes sense'. But the OP has just shattered his wife's hopes and dreams in one fair swoop. He has made a decision about their family and future all on his own and now wants her to get over it and get in with it. It just doesn't work like that, she has a physical and emotional want and need to have a second child. Rightly or wrongly but you just can't turn that off.