She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Why would the op need respite or help ? He only has his ds one or two nights a week

His son is very severely disabled. Still young, but as those very severely disabled children grow they can become 2 person jobs (my own son has, 2 years ago I could manage him alone, now I can't & apart from the odd ten/twenty mins where we take the risk, no-one is alone with him -his support package has increased dramatically to reflect that).

If he feels he can't handle it he can't. I know quite a few men with severely disabled children who have no problem having however many children their second wives have because they don't see the severely disabled one they've left. He is hands on caring for his son part time, so therefore gets an opinion on how manageable it is.

Slivytove: being disabled does not stop a half brother bring a half brother, whatever the disability.

A new baby could also be disabled.

And the half brother would still be non-resident full time, whether disabled or not.

The OP's child is fun loving and affectionate.

Your post is pretty offensive, really. In essence, 'have a real, non disabled sibling'.

Gosh, it's a difficult one...

As both a mum and a step mum, I can see both sides. And I am afraid the fact that your ex is having another child IS a game changer... If it weren't for that, I would totally back all your reasoning... BUT!

You are the NRP, correct? So,your,re paying CM and spousal maintenance?
and that comes out of the financial,pot shared with your current wife?

And you've avoided the subject because you knew this was the liekly reaction and were hoping she'd get over herself

when you look at the full facts, you are and have been very selfish.

Your reasons (while,perfectly valid) centre around how this will impact YOUR life and you've not told her how you feel because her reaction would impact your life. absolutely no regard for her opinion on the subject or even listening to her ideas to make it work (daughter in childcare, changing her shifts, cutting back a couple of extras)

I'm sorry, but I have been in her shoes and she won't be so much angry as very very upset, confused and disappointed.

And I'm so sorry, but if your son can't communicate, it could limit his relationship with your daughter, so from that perspective she is almost an only child. Works for some, not for others

That's hugely offensive. Whilst as I said early it is nice for my younger two to have each other - I meant in terms of sharing their slightly odd upbringing. Their brother isn't some non-sibling who doesn't quite exist.

I think this thread shows that people don't understand the impact that severe disability has on a family. The op will always be responsible for him son. Yes, his ex may be doing the bulk of it, but he is taking his contact with his son seriously & his responsibility towards his son seriously. This is quite unusual ime, & a good thing.

I quite understand why he is terrified of another. For starters, he knows severe disability doesn't just happen to other people. That tends to impact on how you feel about 'just' having another child.

I think your reasons are incredibly valid and clearly your internal dialogue has been thinking about this for a while whereas your wife has only just been given the definite no more children news.

Would there be anything at all that would change your mind? In the current set up it is clear why you wouldn't want another child to look after but if X,Y,Z were to change would that make a difference?

Has anyone even considered the possibility that baby number 3 could end up being twins or another child with special needs? What then?

As your wife works when you have your son maybe the full impact of what you do and how your time is split between your children isn't very clear. For your wife she just cares for one child and doesn't have the added responsibility of another.

Would re-mortgaging and extending the term or just seeing a financial advisor help with your money issues at all?

And, just another point: You say she WANTS a baby but you CAN'T... Seriously, even this denigrates HER involvement in this whole situation.

Let's be clear: you CAN.. you DON'T WANT to.

Your needs are NOT greater than hers.

She has always been clear on her desire for another child. You have not been clear on your position (If I am honest, and in her shoes, I would say you lied because it was the easier option) because you 'didn't want to upset her' FFS! She is your partner, not a 5YO who likes you to go along with Father Christmas because it's a nice story.

Sorry, but the more I think about this, the angrier I feel for your partner.

I would like to hazard a guess that her financial contribution allows you to have an easier life (whether that is being able to pay more CM / reduced hours to care for your son / paying for the extras you say are important).

It's not even just the baby issue, it's how you are treating her contribution to and influence in this whole relationship.

And, whether you like it or not DS is not her child. I am SM to two kids and, while they are wonderful people who I get on with very well, they are not my children.

Brenda, I'm not saying being disabled stops him being a brother. Or that he doesn't exist. I really, really didn't want to cause offence saintly and I'm sorry.

I do think saintly that for the girl in the equation it might be nice for her to have someone to share her upbringing too. She doesn't have the amount of half siblings which DS does.

I was more referring to if he can't communicate at all, that can affect the relationship one is able to build.

And my personal opinion is that a full sibling one lives with all the time enables a closer relationship than a non resident half sibling anyway. Which I hope isn't offensive.

Once again, I communicated badly, in no way am I saying a disabled child is a non child or non sibling, and I'm sorry for the offence and upset I've caused.

"Would she be right to leave if the op was infertile? "

It's not a question of right or wrong. It's a question of choices. What's more important to you? This relationship or having another baby? I've known people be in this situation, where specialists have told them that they probably won't have children together, but they're not technically infertile, so perfectly capable of having children with someone else. They've had to face the dilemma of deciding what their life priorities are. In one case, the relationship won out and they are still together and happy and childless over twenty years on, in another case, they split because one of them decided that the chance of regretting not having children, would be higher than the chance of them regretting leaving this relationship.

I don't think that's right, or wrong. It's choosing your priorities and that may be painful and hurtful to the other person (and to yourself), but I do think people have the right to make that choice. And yes, I phrased it badly, no-one has the right to have children, but they have the right to pursue it (with the usual caveats).

Jeez, the more I read the angrier I get. Selfish????? The OP is not selfish. He is caring for his son and his daughter. He clearly deeply loves his wife. Does it really all come down to her wanting something?
Yes the longing for a kid can be overwhelming. Nature made it that way but we live in a harsh reality and as civilised humans we should be making rational decisions based on circumstance. Imagine a conversation with the OP's wife.

You always wanted a second and thought your DH would always be up for it despite having a severely disabled child from his first marriage whom he cares for and pays CM. You already have a daughter together. You work long shifts and he is the main carer. He has his hands full and whilst he may have not been entirely committal to a third child he is admitting now that it's too much for him. Can you blame him? Are you just going to walk away from a marriage causing heartache for your daughter, further hardship for your husband and then go and find another man to have your longed for second child? Then what happens when you return to work your long shifts? Is it really all worth it just because you 'want' something and therefore you're entitled to have it? Do you help out your husband at all with his son? Would you be happier if the son was not disabled and able to conform to this utopian image of family life you want for yourself?

OP - To bring another child into the world when one parent doesn't want it is wrong. The repercussions further down the line will only come back to bite you on the bum.

Whatever any of the judgey folk on here say is of no consequence as you and your DW need to discuss it with perhaps the added benefit of a counsellor to help you see both sides of the argument. I hope things work out for you but life is a journey and you have been open about not being able to cope. There is no point in comparing your situation to that of others because everyone is different. I wish you all the best.

OK... put it this way:

She is working to pay for OP to stay home and pay CM... But his Ex has 2 children (and, who knows, may have more)....

So, she is going to work to pay for a child that is NOT HERS but the argument is that because of that, she cannot fund a child of her own.

I'm sorry, I know it seems totally reasonable on the surface, but how many of you would work to fund what is essentially another family while being denied another child of your own.

And, saying 'don't mind if we do; don't mind if we don't' is NOT non-committal... it's basically saying 'Up to you, darling'....

let's put it like this... You talk to your husband and say 'Darling, I am thinking of booking a holiday to Australia... it's going to be a drain on our savings for a couple of years... what do you think?' and he says 'Donn't mind if you do, don't mind if you don't'

An you book the holiday and he goes bat shit crazy because IT WAS NEVER AN OPTION FOR HIM.But he just didn't tell you that.

Thank you for the explanation slithytove.

Fwiw I do think that having a typical sibling can help, but it means there's even less attention to go around, in a household where attention by necessity is already focussed on one child. The OP may be feeling this very keenly - compared to his wife - she doesn't have to spread her attention in the same way as her husband.

There are also no guarantees. And when you have one severely disabled child already you tend to be aware of that. Yes, a sibling could be fantastic for his younger son, it could also be a disaster.

When DH and I got together I was very clear that I wanted two children. DH agreed and we planned our future accordingly.

Following a horrendous r pregnancy and birth during which I nearly died and DD was born premature/ v small DH completely changed his mind.

He didn't tell me for over a year and when he finally did, it was awful. We came very close to splitting up. It took another year or so for him to admit what the issue was rather than just 'I don't want one' and if he had been honest at the start it probably would have been easier OP, have you told your wife all the reasons?

Now DD is 10. I am very happy that she is an only (most of the time, we also have adult DSD but they aren't close due to the age difference and geographic distance).

Looking back it would have been selfish of me to push for a second child - I would have run the risk of dying and leaving DD motherless, we wouldn't have had the financial stability we have now with a second child, I wouldn't have been able to give DD the attention and experiences she gets now and tbh I don't think DH would have coped with being a SAHD to two - he struggled enough at times with just one!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child. Not a thing. If you can't afford a second, you simply can't afford it - nothing can make money magically appear if it's not there in the first place.

I wish you luck OP and hope your wife can eventually celebrate your family as it is, rather than wishing for more.

Selfish????? The OP is not selfish.

Lying to someone to get your own way is extremely selfish.

He has had these doubts all along, but didn't voice them until it was arguably too late for her.

That is selfish. It is treating someone you claim to love as a means of getting what you want, at their expense.

It is using someone.

If he loved her the way a person deserves to be lived he would not have deliberately hidden the fact that he only wanted one more child with a new partner.

He did that knowing that not many women in their 30s are looking to have only one child.

God, there are some real arseholes on this thread. BathtimeFunkster in particular is excelling herself with her ridiculous projections and her insistence that the OP set out to deceive his wife. Totally, totally unfair and uncalled for.

He hasn't 'misled' tricked or lied to anyone. He has had a gradual realisation that he can't cope with more children. No-one can possibly know, years in advance, exactly how many children they will or will not want, or can cope with, until they start having them.

Of course if his wife had said clearly stated in advance 'I will only marry you and have children with you if you agree now that I can have at least two of my own, irrespective of whatever challenges we might face with DS' then okay, he could rightly be accused of going back on his word. But it doesn't sound as if this was ever agreed in a 'pre-nup' kind of way, more that it was just her assumption that he would be happy to have more she wanted them.

We would NEVER expect a woman to agree in advance to having more children than she might ultimately feel able to cope with and we shouldn't expect a man to either.

No-one will know how they truly feel about this until they are actually caring for the children that are already there. It's a very difficult situation where there is no right or wrong answer and we just have to hope that in each case a no-one is tricked into a subsequent baby they said they didn't want, and no-one is broken hearted over a baby they didn't get.

Obviously it goes without saying that you should never go into a marriage pretending you might want children when you already know you do not any, or just avoiding the discussion and allowing your future spouse to assume there will be a child at some point, then dropping the bombshell later. There should always be a conversation about these things before committing to someone.

It's equally obvious that you should never go into a marriage with someone who has expressly stated that they do NOT want children, with the intention of trying to change their mind later or get PG by stealth and trickery and delivering them with a fair acomplis.

In those two scenarios it's quite straightforward. The OP's situation is so much less black and white than that and to suggest that he should have known two, three, four years ago how he would feel today as the parent of two children imaging life with a third, is ridiculous.

I do feel for his wife (especially as his ex is PG with her third) but when you commit to someone who already has children you MUST start thinking from a point as if you yourself already have those children, and anticipate the needs and challenged accordingly. the needs of stepchildren can't just be glossed over, whether profoundly disabled or not, just because you want to start with an uncomplicated blank canvas.

challenges

I agree Bathtime - I have been in this situation and it does sound like this new wife is picking up the pieces so everyone else can have a jolly nice life.

It seems everyone else has everything they want in this situation and the reasons for not having another baby are (i) OP would have more work and (ii) less money.

Somethings the OP's new wife seems to be facilitating nicely.

" Are you just going to walk away from a marriage causing heartache for your daughter, further hardship for your husband and then go and find another man to have your longed for second child? "

Nobody ever "just walks away" from a committed relationship. There is no "just" in such cases. It is not helpful to characterise such a decision as merely a selfish, frivolous flounce. Whether you agree with such a decision or not, the OP's DW does have the right to make it and if she did, it wouldn't be "just" would it, it would be after hours, weeks, months of soul-searching.

Thing is, relationships have momentum. It could be that the OP's decision completely changes the way she feels about him and their marriage. We don't know how she feels, whether she feels he's strung her along or whether she cuts him enough slack to realise that both of them might have been slightly in denial up to now about whether a second child for her and third child for him, was realistic within the current set-up. It could be that this choice of his, works as a catalyst for her looking at other stuff in the relationship that she's been ignoring up to now - we all know cases don't we, of people doing something seemingly quite trivial which set off a train of thought and responses way beyond that first catalyst. And this isn't trivial, this is huge.

I just think it's not helpful to characterise it as OP's DW having a silly strop if she leaves, or to characterise him as just having been manipulative and stringing her along, allowing her to enter into a relationship with him under a false premise. Both of those things could be true or have an element of truth in them, but people's behaviour and motivations are usually more nuanced and complex than that.

I still think they need relationship counselling to work it out. We can talk about it all day on the interweb, but he needs to be talking to her, with a trained counsellor IMO. And he needs to accept that he may not get what he wants and that doesn't mean that anyone has behaved badly or wrongly - people just have shit choices sometimes and they have the right to do what's best for them within those choices. The OP did, didn't he.

You sound like a nice guy in a hard situation.

I think you should leave your wife with the two kids a couple of times to let her see how it is for you. And I think you should go to marriage counselling to try to find a way through this. It will be well worth the money if you get a good counsellor.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I'm just believing him when he says that he deliberately misled her.

I still think the job is the thing that could change. You say she does 3 long shifts a week, but you only have your DS 2 nights a week, could she put in a request to have set 3 days that means her days in work aren't the one you have DS, so you aren't in the position to have them alone?

Would she consider working office hours if she could have a second DC of her own, even if that meant a significant drop in lifestyle for the next 3-4 years while childcare costs are high until both of her DCs are at school (assuming she can take the first year off, and looking at ages, by the time she'd got pregnant, had a baby and mat leave, her DC1 would not be long off going to school, and at least getting the 15 hours free to knock off a nursery bill. You would only have a short time of both DCs in all day childcare.)

This does seem to be a problem that has a practical solution, if you are both prepared to look for it - she might well be prepared to take a hit on her lifestyle financially and possibly career fulfilment for the next few years until all DCs - but are you? Are you prepared to make a compromise to make her happy?

There are ways to ensure you can both be happy. It might greatly improve your life as well as DS ages if you can ensure that your DW will also be at home whenever you have him over.

I agree Bathtime - I have been in this situation and it does sound like this new wife is picking up the pieces so everyone else can have a jolly nice life.

How so?

It's the risk you take when you commit to a man who already has children. You don't get to act like they are not there and carry on regardless. I'm not saying his wife is in any way in the wrong for wanting another child of her own, just that the OP's feelings and concerns are every bit as valid/justified as hers.

yes, George, that's a good idea. and maybe the OP could pop out to work and earn the money for her to stay home!!!!

Oh, but wait... the OP WANTS time with his son, I would imagine that the OP's EX wouldn't be too happy for someone else to be looking after their son or take a drop in CM.

Sorry, but I can see this from the new wife's PoV and I'd be as angry as hell with this set up.

Apologies, I've clearly being giving some mixed messages here. I'm not a stay at home dad, I work mon to fri full time, she works full time hours condensed into three days. I pay over the odds on cm, partly because he's an expensive child (chews coats, teeshirts etc) and because I can. It was double the csa recommended figure, but when my wife and I found out we were having a child I reduced that. Still over the csa figure, but I'm not changing that as he's my son and my responsibility, regardless of my ex wife's financial situation. As a result, my wife does make a larger financial contribution to our joint account.

I'm very much a part time carer for my son, but clearly that time is very intensive. It may only be for c20-30 'awake' hours per week. But for those hours - and when you work full time that's quite a chunk of your available time - it's very intensive, and challenging. I already sometimes feel that when I have the two, I'm compromising on our daughter because I need to give my son fluid, or what have you. Adding a further child into that pot would put me under too much strain. I do get valuable time alone with my daughter which helps with the guilt of sometimes having to' leave her to it' when the boy is around.

A few people have said (and been slated for saying) that my daughter deserves a 'proper' sibling. Pragmatically thinking, they are correct. My children will never be able to play together in the conventional sense. Build forts, have tea parties, role play etc. I'm fully aware that my decision is denying her a full time, cognitively capable friend for life. I'm fully aware that it's selfish, and I feel awful. But the brass tax comes down to what I can cope with, and I'm at my limit, even considering the part time nature of my parentage.