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Original poster

She wants another baby. I can't.

999 replies

NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 21:59

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

OP posts:
Original poster
NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 23:15

op, could you give an idea of what care of your ds involves? IMO people do seem to be overlooking the complexity of his needs, from what you said briefly it sounds as if he has needs which are far more severe than e.g. just a child with profound learning difficulties, am I right in thinking that he has profound physical as well as learning disabilities?

Certainly. He's got diabetes insipidus, meaning he has to take 1.3ltrs of fluid daily, which means holding a beaker to him as he picks up and throws any object within arms reach. He's in nappies, they often leak (always in the morning, so baths aplenty!). He can't walk independently, or talk at all. Anything and everything will be chewed and thrown, including our daughter if I'm not quick enough! He can messily feed himself finger food, but anything else needs to be spoon fed.

OP posts:
backonthewagon · 17/08/2015 23:17

NumberTwelve at the moment both your children are very dependent on you. Your DD won't be 2 forever. Might you change your mind when your DD starts school and can do more for herself? she may be able to go to an extra curricular activity by that stage when you have ds. financially apart from groceries i think most essential household costs are shared and don't really go up per person.

Morganly · 17/08/2015 23:18

I think your reasons are all valid and sensible. I can also understand your wife's POV. She is being denied a second child because of the additional needs of your first child whereas both you and your first wife have been able to have more children.

So could you start brainstorming solutions? I understand that the main issue is your wife's working hours, though I see finances are an issue as well. There does seem like there is a solution for your wife's working hours. How much of a sacrifice would this be financially? Is your wife willing to make that sacrifice? Are you, for her?

AndNowItsSeven · 17/08/2015 23:19

BifsWif I do understand how hard it is, I am also disabled myself.
Having a large family was very important to me therefore I really feel for the op's dw as she now can't have the second child she wants. I think the op should have been honest earlier on in the relationship.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/08/2015 23:19

I also ask , as a pp did , what would happen if your wife got pregnant by accident? Any sexually active couple are taking a risk of pregnancy and need to agree on what happens if pregnancy occurs. Your wife would clearly want the baby and is unlikely to agree to a termination, so what would you do under those circs?
I can see your reasons for wanting to stop at two, but denying your wife the second child that you already have, seems cruel to me.

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 23:20

Your DD won't be 2 forever. Might you change your mind when your DD starts school and can do more for herself?

That's true, but if I fast forward 3 years until DD is five. DS is then 11, developmentally stagnant, and I'm pushing forty. It's very unlikely that will be seen as a better time to have a baby!

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 17/08/2015 23:20

I also agree with Morganly.

Lweji · 17/08/2015 23:21

denying your wife the second child that you already have, seems cruel to me.

Isn't it more cruel to impose a third child you don't want?

GammonAndEgg · 17/08/2015 23:21

OP, you've used your son's name several times in your previous posts on this thread. I've reported them.

I hope you find a solution.

wannaBe · 17/08/2015 23:21

also, what if a second child were to be born with disabilities? there are no guarantees in life.... it's very easy for people to talk about how the current dd would have another sibling to be close to etc, but it's also possible she could end up the middle child between two disabled siblings, and another disabled child would make things much harder for everyone

GammonAndEgg · 17/08/2015 23:21

OP, you've used your son's name several times in your previous posts on this thread. I've reported them.

I hope you find a solution.

BifsWif · 17/08/2015 23:23

Agree, if a woman truly wants a baby nothing will take away that urge, which is why I think there's a real risk that this could spell the end of the OP's marriage. Even so, I still don't think he should have a baby that he doesn't want.

I had three losses before my second child was born, sorry you had to go through that too. The heartache is worth it in the end though Flowers

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/08/2015 23:24

I'd sort out your language before having a proper talk with your wife. Your title isn't very good and I hope you aren't going to talk like that: she 'wants' but you 'can't'.

Except you could couldn't you? You just don't want to. That's fine, but if you dress it up as a 'cannot' then it feels unfair and shows that you are validating your own feelings whilst down grading your wife's.

I'm not flaming you, but I am letting you know that using that kind of language isn't going to do you any favours.

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 23:24

what would happen if your wife got pregnant by accident?

Well, I'd be very unhappy, tired, emotionally, physically and mentally wrecked. But I would neither LTB, or consider abortion. Yes, walking contradiction.

OP posts:
BifsWif · 17/08/2015 23:24

I do agree with that seven, he should have been honest from the start.

YonicScrewdriver · 17/08/2015 23:25

"now wants her to get over it and get in with it."

He has NOT said this ANYWHERE.

He understands that this has upset her and that he was cowardly in not bringing it to a head sooner. Nowhere has he said that on this, the very day he was honest, that his wife should get over it

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 23:25

Sorry, I meant wouldn't consider asking for, suggesting etc an abortion.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/08/2015 23:26

Ahem, LTB is reserved for bastards and bitches. Surely you don't consider your wife either.

RingforJeeves · 17/08/2015 23:26

I agree some women (definitely not all women) experience that deep longing. I certainly do. It doesn't just go away, but you also can't just keep having babies despite your circumstances. I think I could of given the Duggars a run for their money had I let my longing rule my decision making process, but at some stage you have to engage your brain and make a practical decision for the good of your family. For some that might be after their first, for others their 8th.

What if OP's DW get's her second, but still feels an intense need for a third, and then a fourth?

wannaBe · 17/08/2015 23:27

well sometimes fate takes away that urge. The wife could leave to have a baby and end up with someone who couldn't get her pregnant, or it might never happen. If the op's dw had no children at all then leaving would be understandable, however no-one should have the right to deprive their child of a family in order to fulfill some urge for a baby.

And yes, I ttc a second baby with my xh for six years, it didn't happen, that urge went away, but during the time he did offer me the opportunity to leave and have a baby with someone else as the issue was perceived to be his I considered that a ridiculous idea. We are now divorced for different reasons and ironically his gf is now pregnant. But I am 41 now and am past the stage of babies. So even leaving didn't guarantee me a baby even though I didn't leave for those reasons iyswim.

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 23:28

Ahem, LTB is reserved for bastards and bitches. Surely you don't consider your wife either.

No, of course not. She's a wonderful wife and mother to our daughter. Was just trying to fit in!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/08/2015 23:29

Op have you used false names for your kids? You're easily recognisable to anyone who knows you if you haven't.

sebsmummy1 · 17/08/2015 23:29

But Yonic he does want her to get over it because he doesn't want to change his position, therefore she has to change hers.

GoooRooo · 17/08/2015 23:30

Essentially the OP is saying it's okay for him to have two children, and it's okay for his first wife to have three children but because of the situation with their first child he's not going to allow his current wife to have more than one child.

He has all the power and she has no choice in the matter.

How is that fair on her? It might be fair if he had made that absolutely clear from the start but by his own admission he has strung her along with a vague notion of possibly having more children (and says he thinks she really knows what his intentions were, even though he didn't say those were his intentions which is a really unfair thing to say)

In the original post he asks will she leave him and the fact of the matter is that she quite possibly will and if she doesn't he'll be very lucky if any resentment doesn't ruin the relationship.

nottheOP · 17/08/2015 23:31

I feel for you op. I'm the big bad wolf wrt not wanting a second, I feel a bit broken and guilty but couldn't actively try for another unless I really wanted another child.

I hope you can work on a solution and be happy (both of you)