She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Seb is right to a degree. Whilst I'm not going to pressure her for acceptance, it would of course make a horrible situation go away, and we could get back to being happy.

Plus I would not be having anymore sex whatsoever. Yes that may seem extremely immature but fuck that, if my husband was absolutely steadfast on no more children even though it meant everything to me, I would be quite sure myself that he wouldn't be getting laid until I had gotten over my second child 'issue'.

op, would you be prepared to have a vasectomy?

op, would you be prepared to have a vasectomy?

Yes, once she's come to terms with the situation. I wouldn't do so without that, for fear of the permanency of it having a negative bearing on her coming to terms with it. If that makes sense.

Very difficult.

I think you will have to both be very honest with eachother. I can see why you'd not want a third. But I can see why she wants a second.

Her desire for a second child may be very overpowering, so much so that she could either leave you in order to achieve it or live very unhappily resenting you. Or she may accept the practicalities and make peace with the decision. I think the fact that your ds's mum is pregnant with no.3 makes it even more difficult for her.

Good luck, I hope you work it out.

Many people, male and female, come to the conclusion after one child or more that they don't want another. They don't have to have any reason for it, let alone reasons as good as yours, OP. It's difficult when one partner wants another but many, many people have had to accept the fact that their partner doesn't want any more. It's sad for them but part of life. I'm sure many hundreds of couples are going through similar just now.

I think you have to forgive your DW some anger and sadness just now but I hope things work out for you both. I know several people who have had to give up their wish to have another child with their partner because their DP didn't want more - for several reasons, none of them as compelling as this, but all valid. 'Just because I don't' is valid.

I haven't read the full thread, although I've read all the OP's posts. If you were female and your partner male I would say go away for the weekend and leave them in charge of the two of them and see if they still wants another after that.

I think women drive themselves mad wanting more children when it makes life a lot more difficult.

Sure, you could have been more forthright about your lack of enthusiasm, but I don't get the impression that you intentially deceived her, so much as it's only really crystallised now that you really don't feel you can cope with another practically or financially.

I'm really tough on guys who string women along regarding babies, I've seen it done to a couple of women, but I don't think that's what's going on here.

"A few people have asked if I'm prepared to lose my marriage over it. I'm not. But I'm also not prepared to have another baby in order to keep it."

So you are prepared to lose your marriage over it.

You might not have a choice.

You have the right not to have another baby. She has the right to have one.

There's actually no compromise here. One of you is either going to have to change their mind, or forever live with a choice that was forced on them by the other which they may never come to terms with, or you agree that you want different things and agree to part.

Go to relationship counselling so you can each sort out what's most important to you.

the question of whether someone is prepared to have a baby they don't want for the sake of saving their marriage...isn't that like using a person as a bargaining chip?

Taking a gamble with a person whose life will be blighted by the fact that one parent didn't want to have that child.

This isn't something that you can negotiate with, it's not a new car or a holiday, regardless of how overwhelming her urge to have a baby is a rational human being should not give into it unless her partner actively wants another child.

We cant just give into urges without thinking through the long term consequences, that's what it means to be civilized

Actually, I don't think anyone has 'the right' to have a baby, but they have the right to want one.

It is natural to want to avoid hurting your wife and to keep hoping that you will come to her pov, thus keeping your feelings under wraps, or not even realising that they are your true feelings. It's such a final decision, and it's hard to admit that this is how you feel.

I don't think you've deceived your wife knowingly. I think that when an issue is so important it is natural to want to agree - there is no way back once the decision is made in this case. So of course you tried to suppress your own feelings in favour of your wife's, but this is a topic that so important that in the end you can't hide the truth no matter how mho want to.

I hope you and your wife find a way through this.

I don't see the OP as being cruel to his wife. He's prioritising children who already exist. Isn't that the right thing to do for him and his children ? The consequence of that is that his wife doesn't get what she wants. That might not be fair but there is no solution that gives them all what they want.

If you enter into a relationship with someone who already had children, shouldn't there be an acceptance that those children will always come first when it comes to importance over the adult relationship and the needs and wants of that ?

I feel for the wife but she has a choice that only she can make now and the OP can only give her time, space and freedom to make that choice without pressure or guilt.

i have sympathy for you, for your wife too. she's spent the last few years thinking that hthere would be another baby though.

If I were your wife, what I would find the hardest to accept is that the mother of your son with SN, she gets to have three children, and she has your son six nights a week. so I would find it very unfair that even though you only have your sn son once a week, your wife doesn't get to have another child. that seems unfair. but if you don't feel you can cope, then maybe you are right.

What OP's ex does or has, has nothing to do with what the OP wants as far as his decision to have or not have more children. And the ex's decision certainly shouldn't be made into a club to beat OP over the head with! It would be one thing if OP had given 'permission' for his ex to have another child while at the same time 'denying' his wife his 'permission'. That's certainly NOT the case! His wife using the ex's decisions regarding children is the same as a spouse saying 'Well, your ex has a yacht, that means that I have the right to have a yacht!".

The choice to have a child is a deeply personal one. And I personally don't think there is any decision in life that is more soul-deep than the desire for a child. If one is lucky, one's spouse is on the same page. I left a marriage because my exH didn't want children. He was abusive, yes, but the fact that he told me that he didn't want children was the straw that broke the camel's back. Think of it, I stayed and put up with abuse, it took the issue of children to wake me up.

OP has an absolute right to not want more children, regardless of whether or not he has a disabled child. But his wife also has the right to leave and seek out another partner who does want a child.

It's a stalemate, IMO.

I'm sorry if it's an unpopular view, but I think you are being very sensible & can completely understand why you don't feel able to have another child.

I'm also not sure that you have deliberately mislead or lied to your wife. It sounds more as if you were happy to keep the possibility open, but have now come to realise that it's not something you could cope with.

I don't think your ex's third baby is a reason for you to have one too - although I can understand why your wife would feel a natural jealousy about it.

The flip side is that your wife is being perfectly reasonable too. The desire to have a baby is so powerful and, due to the way things have been left, she was planning her future with another child in it.

I'm sorry for both of you, I genuinely don't know where you can go from here. You shouldn't have a child you don't want - it's unfair on you & the child. But can your wife give up hope of one more without creating a life long resentment?

I really don't know.

If your dw only works 3 nights a week couldn't you arrange for your evenings with your ds to coincide with her days off.

Is there no way around it?

You talk about how hard your nights are putting your son to bed in his home. Could those nights not coincide with your wife's nights off so you only have one child to deal with?

Your daughter will get her 15 free hours of nursery next year, and the year after that, 30 hours. Will that make a difference?

Do you work? Could you budget better to make this doable?

I do think it's unfair that you and your ex wife, DS's parents, have each been able to have at least another child, yet because of DS, your wife won't be allowed to.

And I'm so sorry, but if your son can't communicate, it could limit his relationship with your daughter, so from that perspective she is almost an only child. Works for some, not for others.

Sorry but why should op try and make it work? if he doesn't want another child then no amount of compromising or free nursery hours for his daughter will change his mind.

If OP forces himself to have another child, he may end up leaving his wife in the future if he becomes so unhappy. He is telling his wife he cannot handle another child and that's that.

So the current family situation now works well.
Op's DH wants to change it which will result in Op not being able to cope at all with three DCs.
The two children and the proposed baby will suffer as a consequence of this.

What if his DW wants a third child or a fourth child?

Surely, it's a no brainer.

Actually, I don't think anyone has 'the right' to have a baby, but they have the right to want one.

Very much this.

Nobody gets to have children in the same way that they get to have a spa weekend.
He is not denying her a treat, FGS.

Would she be right to leave if the op was infertile?

I do hope both of you can find a way to be happy with whatever children come your way.

Could there be a compromise that you don't get the snip but you continue to take contraception seriously but still leaving the door open for a possible accident child?
Would that work for you, or would you wonder if it wasn't an accident if she got pregnant?

"I feel for the wife but she has a choice that only she can make now and the OP can only give her time, space and freedom to make that choice without pressure or guilt"

Yy to this.

And OP has mentioned finances as well as the disability as a reason for his decision. His ex is mortgage free. He is presumably paying CM and perhaps will be beyond 18 given the circumstances.

I think people are being really harsh on the op. Sometimes you just don't know how you feel until you have one child and then you change your mind about wanting more / waver for a while and then decide no. There's nothing wrong with that. Yes it's hurtful to the other person but we're all human and allowed to change our opinions and plans. It's up to the wife to either ensure she takes up more of the childcare to make things work for another child or to accept things as they are or to leave. The op shouldn't have to change his mind to have a child he doesn't want.

For the record dh and I have a severely autistic child together and I have a dd aged 12 from my first marriage. Dh has always been open about wanting another child. I tend to sway more. For me pregnancy and birth have been very risky and awful and I find caring for ds very demanding and difficult. We are still in the process of talking about another child but I've told dh that if we do have another child I would expect him to reduce his hours at work (we already receive high rate dla and carers allowance for ds).. its something we discuss and argue about all the time.

What wafflyversatile said. I really hope that your DW comes round to this, though it is possible that she may not.

Please try and remember in the future, though, that when you went back to being noncommittal about a child in order to spare her feelings, that you stored up more and more terrible feelings for the future. You may find that you end up having more failed relationships if you don't learn that lesson.