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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So just received this email from stbxh's gf.

208 replies

SheerWill · 17/08/2015 08:45

This just arrived in my inbox:

Just to let you know we arrived safely and Ds can't wait to go to the beach tomorrow.

We thought we'd continue the international experience week so we took him to a curry house this evening - he likes mango chutney, yoghurt sauce and popadoms.He thinks the Bombay potatoes were a bit spicy and the vegetable samosa a bit peppery but liked the naan and saag aloo.

There was a little wait for the bill to which Ds responded "OH FUCK!" We've talked it through and he knows not to ever say it again and that he mustn't say words that he doesn't know the meaning of. We also checked where he'd heard it and he said "mummy"! He's not been told off this time as we wanted to make sure he understood why he can't say it and that it's a bad word. He knows if he says it again in future he will be severely reprimanded because he's been told it's wrong now.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh or hit things.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 17/08/2015 13:16

Are you doing everything through a lawyer? Please DO if not.

ime with a narc ex it was essential I did this. The law, you see, is bigger than him and at the end of the day he had to comply with the law. He was shocked but there we go. The csa is rubbish and I would fast track to the law. I'd get these comms logged with a lawyer just in case - you don't know what's down the line: ime the harassment never ended, year after year after year. He never gave up. (sorry)

Talking of which, if you have evidence of his harassment have you got legal aid for legal representation (if ? is an issue).

I would definitely ignore this woman's ridiculous email (silly cow) but do give ex updates but very basic, crucial points only (eg ds is taking antibiotics). Makes you look reasonable, fair, willing to communicate sensibly.

starlight2007 · 17/08/2015 13:19

Another ignore and no more updates.

I used to send my Ex updates. I would get no response so in the end I stopped sending them then he got his knickers in a knot. It suprised me however how once he knew nothing I felt far more freedom.

I also learnt they can't argue the toss if it is a one way communication

VerityWaves · 17/08/2015 13:36

Don't for goodness sake copy in your solicitor ! You are opening a can of worms and will be seen as being ridiculous.
Please don't overact to silly behaviour. You will just cause more stress for yourself is that really what you want or need right now.
You sound v level headed and intelligent to see this for exactly what it is - nonsense!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 13:56

I agree that I'd probably respond by forwarding the email she sent to you, back to your STBXH (not her) with a "thanks for the email, glad he is happy and having a good time, but please don't worry about using up your hard earned holiday time thinking on me. Just enjoy this precious leisure time together and I'll look forward to hearing about the fun time he had when he gets back! All the best! "

In this way you ignore the baiting on your language skills, make it clear that you will respond to him and undermine her position as Disney Princess mother, make it clear that you aren't entering into these fucking twisted blow by blow accounts (and I also think it's a "where the money goes" sick fucking game), and make it seem like they can't stop thinking about you, even though you rarely want to think about them!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 13:58

Oh and it should also underline the fact that the time they have him is a drop in the fucking ocean to the work that you do.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/08/2015 14:18

The only reply I'd be sending to that passive aggressive pile of shit would be

"How DARE you insinuate that my son doesn't know what 'Oh FUCK' means."

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 15:27

Or reply:

You are completely correct to bring him up on this and I am absolutely fuming on your behalf....As its international week with an Indian flavour he should know that the correct expression should have been ?ha bakav?sa!

zzzzz · 17/08/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petridish · 17/08/2015 16:22

She is a smug, condescending cunt sack.

I'll hold her down - you stamp on her.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 17/08/2015 16:24

petri ShockGrin

They really sound like they deserve each other OP.

Just sit back and wait for her to have kids. It'll be worth it.

viridus · 17/08/2015 16:30

What does she/they mean by "severely reprimanded". This is child abuse.
This is a threat.

These two are not fit/responsible people to have near your child. Does this father actually have any rights to see this child?

I would not ask them to look after him again. If the father has rights to see him, then limit the time he spends with him.

If the situation is not sorted there will be more incidents like this.

viridus · 17/08/2015 16:39

Keep this text, and other emails as evidence, and get legal advice.

tethersend · 17/08/2015 16:57

Bathtime Grin

Inertia · 17/08/2015 17:00

I agree with Fidelia- talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey. Your child's father should be doing the parenting here.

I would respond by emailing your Ex to thank him and GF for letting you know that DS had arrived safe and well, and ask him to clarify what she means by 'severely reprimanded', because you will take any steps necessary to safeguard your child.

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 19:11

Don't talk to anyone.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/08/2015 19:32

Thank fuck, my ex and his wife are normal people.

I'd have rolled my eyes so hard at that email, they'd have popped out.

What a utter twat.

Castrovalva · 17/08/2015 19:53

I fucking ROFLd at fuckyouChris response

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/08/2015 20:25

What does she/they mean by "severely reprimanded". This is child abuse.
This is a threat

Don't be daft, it could mean anything from giving the look whilst saying no to beating him to death, and everything inbetween the two extremes. Yes it could be child abuse but until the op knows what is meant nobody knows that.

These two are not fit/responsible people to have near your child. Does this father actually have any rights to see this child?

Given that something like less than 10% of fathers in the UK (of youngsters) DONT have PR and the op mentions a court history the likely hood that this one does not is slim to none.

I would not ask them to look after him again. If the father has rights to see him, then limit the time he spends with him

He's not a baby sitter he's the childs father, and if he has a contact order (that would be the rights to see him) the op cannot alter the arangement without his agreement or further order of the court. If he does not have a contact order then outside of risk of significant harm,limiting or intentionally blocking contact tends to be frowned apon lots, it would be a very stupid move especially given that it appears court action of some description may be ongoing.
He may be an arse but unless there is a risk to the op from contact or a significant risk to the child then he's entitled to parent as he sees fit.

If the situation is not sorted there will be more incidents like this

Incidents,it's an email,it's not abusive it's not anything other than a silly woman overstepping and passively aggressively attempting to belittle the op and attempting to push her buttons.

The op appears to be made of stronger stuff than to be actually bothered by such a transparent occurrence.

viridus · 17/08/2015 21:03

Needsasock
I have read all your comments, and disagree with you.
I still fully adhere to my opinion, and if I was in the posters shoes I would endeavour to free my child from a woman who chooses to "belittle" me and a man who allows a woman to do that, in the presence of my child.

sonata1 · 17/08/2015 22:07

Agree with what WallyBanters suggests re reply via the Ex. I was always given this advice "Never put in writing anything that can come back and bite you on the bum at a later date" Words can be spoken but cannot be given in evidence.

Wailywailywaily · 17/08/2015 22:32

I agree with Sockamnesty.
The email is passive aggressive bullshit but in context of an escalating history it is not concerning, just someone pushing someone else's buttons. I disagree with those that think the gf should be having nothing to do with the DS behaviour, she is an adult spending a lot of time with him, of course she will have an influence. She should also raise things like bad language - I would expect a teacher to do this and would not take offence. I would also expect her to have some say over disaplin in the same way as I would expect a teacher to.

FredaMayor · 17/08/2015 23:27

WWW, GF is not DS's teacher, or anything else, she is merely there because ExH fancies her. What possible contribution does she have that renders her qualified to be involved in Ds's upbringing?

Pantone363 · 17/08/2015 23:40

Agree with Mary and others. Don't reply, save email in case you need it for future and move on. I BET MY BOTTOM DOLLAR she is sat there hunched over her laptop furiously clicking refresh refresh refresh waiting for your reply.

You are supposed to be fazed by this. She knows that. Its a clear attack on your parenting and 'sigh' she's having to step in and sort it out because CLEARLY you are the kind of mother who not only swears in front of her kid but also doesn't reprimand for it. Pay the silly cow no heed at all. Let her sit there clicking her sweaty little finger on that F5 button. Click, click, click.

VerityWaves · 18/08/2015 00:16

It is silly nonsense no need to pay her any more attention, honestly. She just wants a rise out of you of course she's not going to reprimand him!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/08/2015 00:32

Words can be spoken but cannot be given in evidence

This is a bit of a myth.

It is becoming increasingly fashionable to record conversations. People appear to believe this is against the law without all parties consent. It is not.

It is perfectly legal to for people (not companies) to record conversations providing they are doing so for their own use and whilst it may be unlawful to play these recordings to others,it is not to have them transcribed. These can then be submitted as evidence in family court and in some circumstances a judge will listen to the recordings.