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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So just received this email from stbxh's gf.

208 replies

SheerWill · 17/08/2015 08:45

This just arrived in my inbox:

Just to let you know we arrived safely and Ds can't wait to go to the beach tomorrow.

We thought we'd continue the international experience week so we took him to a curry house this evening - he likes mango chutney, yoghurt sauce and popadoms.He thinks the Bombay potatoes were a bit spicy and the vegetable samosa a bit peppery but liked the naan and saag aloo.

There was a little wait for the bill to which Ds responded "OH FUCK!" We've talked it through and he knows not to ever say it again and that he mustn't say words that he doesn't know the meaning of. We also checked where he'd heard it and he said "mummy"! He's not been told off this time as we wanted to make sure he understood why he can't say it and that it's a bad word. He knows if he says it again in future he will be severely reprimanded because he's been told it's wrong now.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh or hit things.

OP posts:
LooksLikeImStuckHere · 17/08/2015 08:56

I was reading that, thinking how lovely that she's keeping you up to date until I read the second bit!

Hmmmm. Is it likely he actually got it from you?! I ask because I have a friend who swears like it's going out of fashion so wouldn't be surprised if something like that was attributed to her.

How old is your DS?

Either way I wouldn't have done that in her position. I would have stifled a laugh, told him off and then had a laugh with you about it on our return. Or better yet, let your STBXH deal with it. Bit shitty to send an email like that, I think.

sebsmummy1 · 17/08/2015 08:57

Yep, reply with effusively positive language. Ignore her references to your bad language and concentrate on how pleased you are to hear he is having a lovely time.

The best response is always no reaction unless expressly asked for one

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 08:57

Don't email. Have you never had this yourself? It's way more disconcerting than s reply.

If they mention it just be vague.

BoboChic · 17/08/2015 08:57

If the OP doesn't email back she's leaving a hole in the barbed wire fence...

Couldashouldawoulda · 17/08/2015 08:58

The email's pretty embarrassing, but I have to say my sympathies lie with the gf on the language front. Your DS obviously isn't very old. I don't like adults swearing in front of small children, and think we should all try not to do it. I know they hear bad language from other kids, but I think as parents, you've got to try and set a good example.

OllyBJolly · 17/08/2015 08:58

Not sure what she's done wrong... just keeping you informed. I'd be quite pleased that a partner of my children's father was taking such an active interest in my child. I'd be reassured that a/ she wasn't ignoring him completely/moaning about him ruining her holiday and b/ overindulging him and letting him away with unacceptable behaviour.

I would take it as coming from positive intent and would just respond saying "Thanks for the update, have a great holiday".

She's not usurping the parenting role. She's an adult sharing (and accepting) responsibility for a child in her care.

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 08:59

No. She's just not engaging. Far cooler

morley19 · 17/08/2015 08:59

Please don't give her what she wants - a reply.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She will hate that

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 08:59

Guys ITS NOT HER JOB TO OFFER PARENTING ADVICE

BoboChic · 17/08/2015 09:00

She had no responsibility for keeping the OP informed of her DS' holiday. That responsibility lies only with his father.

Belleview · 17/08/2015 09:00

Enjoy the positive, your son is having nice food and bring given healthy boundaries.

Anything else is basically insignificant, isn't it really.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/08/2015 09:00

Or just, you know, kill her.

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/08/2015 09:01

I very much doubt the OP sits encouraging her child to swear. Children hear swear words and occasionally they say them - you just tell them off and move on.

The GF is an idiot and incredibly patronising to boot.

BoboChic · 17/08/2015 09:01

It's not "cool" not to remind the GF who is the boss here Smile.

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/08/2015 09:02

She's not just giving healthy boundaries though - she's telling the mother that swearing is wrong. As though the OP doesn't know that.

Original poster
SheerWill · 17/08/2015 09:02

Thanks for the replies. Ds is 5 and she is late 20s. I'm trying to be as non-contact with stbxh as possible because he's a narcisistic twat and the emails/texts I get from him are 3 pages long and much worse than hers. She has no kids of her own and they usual see ds once a fortnight over the weekend.

She's always been fine up until recently when they threatened to do all sorts until I'd signed the consent order. But she's proved to be just as mental as he is. Usually any communication goes through my dad so he can filter out their crap, but he's on holiday. The updates on what ds is doing was their request to know what he does when he's with me. But now I'm getting them too!

I'm not sure if there's any point in replying as then I'll just get more of the same from them as always.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 17/08/2015 09:02

He's been told its wrong now (after clearly you telling him that it is right). It is the now that would irritate me - the implication is at last he is with responsible adults who will severely reprimand him .

jeronimoh · 17/08/2015 09:02

couldashouldawoulda- children can be exposed to swearing when they are out at the shops, on the bus, in the park.... Why are you so sure that he's heard it from the OP?

Wailywailywaily · 17/08/2015 09:03

Depending on the circs you could have a lot of future dealings with this woman who may have a lot of influence (or at least spend a lot of time with) your DS. Her email is patronising but she is clearly trying to get things right in a very clumsy way.
I'd try very hard not to take offence and just smile and wave, smile and wave.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/08/2015 09:05

I know what I'd want to hit if I got an email like that - and I wouldn't be laughing when I whacked it one.

Fucking cheek of her!

As Annie has said, 'severely reprimanded' by her or your ex and what form will this reprimand take?

BoboChic · 17/08/2015 09:05

Your STBX has no right to request a running written commentary from you on what your DS is up to Shock. There is a serious boundary problem going on here.

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/08/2015 09:05

You see I think the gf is not trying to do things right - she is clearly implying that the OP doesn't teach her child properly so it was up to the GF to explain that swearing is wrong.

But Sheerwill - I'd really just leave it and not reply. Do you have to do emails telling your ex what your child is up to? I would refuse to do that to be hones.

jeronimoh · 17/08/2015 09:05

' severely reprimanded' would bother me.
The gf has no business threatening that. I would keep the email for future reference.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 17/08/2015 09:06

The thing is, there was no need to mention it in the email. There was absolutely no need to attribute the swearing to the OP. It just comes across as a dig at her parenting when they have absolutely no idea whether what her DS has said is actually true.

I also abhor parents swearing around children if it is continuous and without reservation. However, sometimes these words come out without anyone meaning them to. I don't think there is any need for judgey pants yet.

Wailywailywaily · 17/08/2015 09:06

Cross posted. Okay so her email is probably a deliberate attempt to irritate.
Same applies - smile and wave,