So just received this email from stbxh's gf.

[SheerWill]

This just arrived in my inbox:

Just to let you know we arrived safely and Ds can't wait to go to the beach tomorrow.

We thought we'd continue the international experience week so we took him to a curry house this evening - he likes mango chutney, yoghurt sauce and popadoms.He thinks the Bombay potatoes were a bit spicy and the vegetable samosa a bit peppery but liked the naan and saag aloo.

There was a little wait for the bill to which Ds responded "OH FUCK!" We've talked it through and he knows not to ever say it again and that he mustn't say words that he doesn't know the meaning of. We also checked where he'd heard it and he said "mummy"! He's not been told off this time as we wanted to make sure he understood why he can't say it and that it's a bad word. He knows if he says it again in future he will be severely reprimanded because he's been told it's wrong now.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh or hit things.

Ooooo! Well aren't you glad you've got MN lot to offload too. My blood would boiling too. The 'international' bit got me started :). bUT a load of good points made here - I admire those who say ignore it or particularly the ref to 'different homes different rules'. I don't think u can change/avoid ds being reprimanded (I'm talking just in the normal sense) - and I think from that u just take the 'positive' that ds will learn that different people react differently and some are more hell bent on politeness/yadda yadda etc than others. It'll just make him more adjusted for social situations in the future. I.e he'll know to just let it roll off him.

There's probably no point in commenting and it could just flare up. Do u really care what she thinks?? She sounds like a bit of an arse but hey - whaddayagonnado?

You've shared with us. Most of us agree. We've all had a laff. Move on with your day. Seriously no point in making it worse. I loved that u shared btw :) xx

Actually blocking her e mail is a good idea.

Maybe your next 'parenting' update does need to be a list of things DS has done, which he states he's learnt from them, and that you've let him off this time because obviously he's got a whole week of learnt faults to get over and learn about

Is anyone else actually laughing at the thought of this 5yo DS, sat in a Curry house somewhere abroad and announcing "oh fuck!"

Actually, maybe the right reply is "welcome to parenting "

Newquay. What's with the text speak?

if this is a serious gf then she will be around for a while and when your DS is with her she should parent him as much as your ex. It is her business too. Her email is patronising but I think it's good she has such an active interest.

Hang on...they have gone abroad and taken ds for a curry?

Where are they?

I've been a stepmother for 11 years. Children all very happy/well adjusted/doing well etc and, tbh, the key driver of success is very clear boundaries/delineation of responsibility between households and I never talk to my DSSs' mother.

You reply out of common politeness thanking her for the email and saying that you are glad DS is having such a wonderful time.

Make no mention of the bad language. Any other response makes you look like an embittered old bag and the gf will be doing the happy dance toherself thinking she owns the moral high ground.

Having shown your good breeding in this way, you then you make damn sure any future emails from her go straight to "junk".

In truth, if this happened to me I would probably reply, 'I would like you to state very clearly to me in writing exactly what you mean by "severely reprimanded" .'

Just that. Nothing else in the email.

You'll get some flannel in return, but she'll likely stop with that shit in future.

I think Sam and others who said just reply saying "glad he's having a good time" and not acknowledging the digs. Not sure if I could actually do it.

I can see why you are angry and I agree there is a boundary issue here that you need to nip in the bud.

I personally would email the ex and say that you will only communicate with him on parenting matters and you do not require a running update as that is his time with DS. likewise no running update will be provided by you when DS is at home. I would also remind him that you are very happy that DS gets on with GF and that in order to maintain long term harmony parental boundaries should be respected.

I would cc the GF in as well to indicate you are giving her lecture a hood stiff ignoring!

Oh my god, the restraint you must need to deal with these people.

However, it matters not a jot, their time will come and I think the best thing is just - thanks for letting me know he's well and having a good time x.

At the end of the day- that's all that matters.

Disclaimer: i don't possess this restraint.

I suspect there is a subconscious struggle going on in GF at the moment. She is probably feeling a little insecure for whatever reason and is trying to make herself appear better than you in your ex's eyes? She's trying to carve out a role for herself as the good guy who is more interesting (curry which is very exotic these days ) and parenting advice ( which is just really easy if only some women just read the books or watch TV).

I think this says more about how she's feeling than you op.

this needs stopping..you dont need the judging or the parenting advice
shes just embarassing herself here !
I think I would be inclined to look at this non-confrontationally
"Thanks for the newsletter, I really appreciate the effort, but I love hearing about what DS has been up to and all about his new experiences from DS himself, kids have such a wonderful take on events - dont you think..also I dont feel I can reciprocate ! I cant write out all of his exeriences at our house for you to look at - and so I feel this is unreasonable of me to expect of you
sounds great though and I really look forward to DS's version of events !
all the best..."

Agree with RaaRaa.

And if you ask her to explain what she means by 'severely reprimand' she'll have to decide whether to tell your Ex what she's written to you.

I doubt the GF feels insecure (why would she?) but she undoubtedly wants to please her DP - that is where the email stems from.

My Ex's gf did and said quite a few things that Ex was pissed off about when he found out. And he's a twat.

I think she did those things out of insecurity.

What self-righteous, passive-aggressive drivel from an obvious numpty. OP, it will be pointless to engage with this person at all, as others have said. GF's 'post' may only be temporary anyway since she sounds like a pain in the posterior, and squaddies/ex-squaddies don't have very good relationship track records on the whole.

It would be quite in order to hit something, btw, how about the Room 101 button?

I'd say I'll swear in front of my own child if I fucking well want to.

But then judging by a recent thread my opinion on swearing in front of children is vastly different to the rest of MN.

The squeeky wheel gets the oil bobo

If she were secure she wouldn't need an audience to demonstrate her amazing parenting skills to. She would have just corrected the swearing and left it at that, not done a victory dance for the benefit of the ex and the OP.

Ouch, I would be seething at this email.

There are so many response options to think about here. "Fucking hell, what a shock that must have been, goodness knows where he got that word from". Alternatively your next email update about what you have doing doing could include a blow by blow account of how you have been expanding your DS's language skills still further and learning a few useful sentences "stbxh is a twat, OW is a passive aggressive bitch" etc.

Seriously though I would adopt the moral high ground here and either ignore this email, or reply "thanks for the update, sounds like you all had an interesting meal!".

I would put a stop to this inappropriate detailed email update thing, particularly as it is apparent that STBXH and OW seem to be using it as a way of undermining you. There needs to be some clear and appropriate boundaries established.

No way would I let that go.

"Thanks for the update sounds as if he is having a wonderful experience.

That's quite funny on the swearing - last time I told him off for saying that, he told me he had heard it from you.

I would just like to check what you mean by "severely reprimanded" though. I have firm views on what is appropriate for reprimanding an [X] year old. EX and I can discuss this if needed.

Yeah I'm with what liney said. Nip this patronising shit in the bud. Ask her what she means.

I really wouldn't be doing the update thing. Who does that?

The intended audience is her DP here - she is trying to impress him. Massive public internet fail not intended

It's an appalling email (I very quietly fear for the intelligence of the people who can't see that)

as to what to do- I think I wouldn't reply because she's a nutter and it would be never ending.

Sympathies for you op.