Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So just received this email from stbxh's gf.

208 replies

SheerWill · 17/08/2015 08:45

This just arrived in my inbox:

Just to let you know we arrived safely and Ds can't wait to go to the beach tomorrow.

We thought we'd continue the international experience week so we took him to a curry house this evening - he likes mango chutney, yoghurt sauce and popadoms.He thinks the Bombay potatoes were a bit spicy and the vegetable samosa a bit peppery but liked the naan and saag aloo.

There was a little wait for the bill to which Ds responded "OH FUCK!" We've talked it through and he knows not to ever say it again and that he mustn't say words that he doesn't know the meaning of. We also checked where he'd heard it and he said "mummy"! He's not been told off this time as we wanted to make sure he understood why he can't say it and that it's a bad word. He knows if he says it again in future he will be severely reprimanded because he's been told it's wrong now.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh or hit things.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/08/2015 09:06

Reply with "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

BalloonSlayer · 17/08/2015 09:07

I think I'd reply with "Ha ha you clearly haven't been in the car with STBXH and DS in a traffic jam yet then!" (or some other situation when he swears)

twirlypoo · 17/08/2015 09:07

I think she wins an award at the most passive aggressive email competition Grin

I would send a dismissive email back along lines of "so pleased he's having a lovely time" but I would be struggling not to write back telling her to fuck right off, so I feel your pain.

twirlypoo · 17/08/2015 09:08

Soupdragon Grin

MrsDeVere · 17/08/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Couldashouldawoulda · 17/08/2015 09:10

Jeronimoh - because apparently DS said he'd heard it from his mum! OP - is he making that up?

Heels99 · 17/08/2015 09:11

international experience week? Ffs!
The telling you off for swearing is beyond a joke.
I would ignore, don't reply, don't engage, don't give her airspace.
Tempting though it is to point out that children need protein as part of their meals and forwarding NHS healthy eating guidelines, I would refrain.
Write a shitogram response then delete it, don't press send but it will be cathartic for you,

Anniegetyourgun · 17/08/2015 09:11

The updates on what ds is doing was their request to know what he does when he's with me.

I suggest you stop reporting to them as if they had a right to know, and only tell them in future the things they need to know (eg any prescribed medication, appointments during their contact time). You used to have one control freak co-parenting with you, now you have two.

she is clearly trying to get things right in a very clumsy way

Bullshit is she, she's judging big-time. I can't believe some people are reading that email as completely innocent or even helpful!

Enb76 · 17/08/2015 09:12

I don't think she's done anything wrong. You would expect it if your child had gone on holiday with another family. I'd just say 'thanks for the update' even if you don't mean it, and leave it at that.

If she's trying to be snarky (and really, why bother attributing evil intentions?) then you give her no quarter, and if she's not (more likely) then you haven't come across as crazy and bitter.

I am not a step-parent but my child's father has a girlfriend who I would have no problem with if she parented my child when with her, which she does and frankly I am grateful that standards are upheld in both houses about behaviour.

Original poster
SheerWill · 17/08/2015 09:12

I'd just like to add that as a teacher I hate students using foul language and very rarely use it myself, maybe if I've stubbed my toe on the hoover or something the odd one slips out but if ds is around I try to turn it I to something else. My partner is a squaddie and his language can be pretty blue in private but in front of ds it's clean as a whistle.

I have no problem in them dealing with ds behaviour, but I'd never tell them that ds has been a pain in the neck every time he comes home from their house and therefore it's their fault. I just deal with it and move on.

OP posts:
LooksLikeImStuckHere · 17/08/2015 09:13

Yes, I'd be concerned about the 'severely reprimanded' sentence.

It doesn't really work with swearing anyway, in my experience (teacher).

SoupDragon · 17/08/2015 09:14

You would expect it if your child had gone on holiday with another family.

No, I would not expect a thinly veiled criticism of my parenting from someon who has no children.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 17/08/2015 09:14

Yep, little kids swear, it's not the end of the world. GF needs to butt out, it's not her job to inform you of these minor misdemeanours... Having a good time, been swimming, zoo today. Alls well would be enough. I would have to write essays to DH if this was the way we played things!!!

Heels99 · 17/08/2015 09:14

Why would you thank someone for a passive aggressive inflammatory email where they are basically telling you off?!
Ignore ignore ignore.
I also wouldn't be sending them update emails OR I would overload them with superfluous detail:
9am got up, did poo, large one
9.15 came downstairs
9.20 entered kitchen

loveareadingthanks · 17/08/2015 09:14

I think you need to respond a bit to this - it's a dig at your parenting and them being quite rude, and dragging you into the constant unneccesary communications.

'DS already knows perfectly well that it is a bad word to say and should have been told off. How bizarre that you thought it might be normal behaviour for him. Tell ex he should of course discipline DS when necessary, same as I do. There's really no need to check with me first. Hope you all have a lovely holiday and I look forward to hearing all about it from DS when he comes home.'

ProcrastinatingPat · 17/08/2015 09:14

I had this. I told her with my paediatric nursing experience and 4 other kids I was so pleased to receive her input but perhaps next time she could just keep it to herself. So she emailed my husband ( not exh) and told him she was worried about all the kids as I clearly have anger issues!!! ????????????????????????????????????

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 17/08/2015 09:15

Op. Why are you both sending emails about what you do? Bin that thing

CherryPicking · 17/08/2015 09:15

If it was me, I'd say something about not drawing attention to behaviour yii don't want to see repeated, positive reinforcement, that sort of thing. Both my girls have occaaionally come out with things like that. I'm sure if I'd 'severely reprimanded' them it would have become a Big Thing and theyd be doing it to get my attention regularly.

broadbeanstew · 17/08/2015 09:15

Aaarrgghh this would piss me right off! Although it would be so tempting to reply with something sarcastic, I think the best policy is either to ignore it or send a generic 'glad he's having a good time' response. Hopefully she'll get bored eventually and stop sending them.

TheCraicDealer · 17/08/2015 09:15

She obviously doesn't engage much with kids if she takes "I got it from mummy", seriously. He probably said it, saw their reaction and thought, "shit, they're angrier than I thought....aha! If I say I got it off mum that'll make it alright!". I don't know why they even bothered asking where he'd heard it from, could have been nursery, his mates he plays out with, a family member, someone on public transport- I could go on. He's unlikely to have remembered.

I wouldn't reply either; the temptation would be there to say, "poor kid, a week with you two is enough to reduce anyone to swearing", but far better to just refuse to engage with their mindfuckery.

Handywoman · 17/08/2015 09:17

Serious boundary/control issues here.

I would reply 'have a lovely holiday' to deflect from the swearing/discipline jibe. Hopefully they won't be able to keep up this level of blow-by-blow account. Seriously: who does this??

Sounds like new gf and stbxh deserve each other.

Do you have a fried who can triage these emails in your df's absence? Hooray to you for dealing with it all.

loveareadingthanks · 17/08/2015 09:17

ooh, actually I'd add this bit too, have a passive aggressive dig back.

'There's really no need to check with me first. Or is ex feeling a bit out of his depth parenting on his own for a week and would like me to give him some advice? He can get in touch if so. Hope you all have a lovely holiday...blah blah.

Carrie5608 · 17/08/2015 09:18

I would be so tempted to reply "LOL at the passive/ aggressive email I have forwarded on to my friends for a giggle." but Can you reply with a "Coulashoulda is unavailable until 30/08/2015 or whatever date Ds comes back to you type standard reply. I would block her email too.

NickiFury · 17/08/2015 09:19

I'd like to think I would send a dignified and suitably sharp but not quite offensive or aggressive response but in reality I would be raging at this.

UptheAnty · 17/08/2015 09:20

Don't you just love the smug self important attitude of those that don't actually raise children?
Of course if they have ds every other weekend for a couple of days it is so much easier.i bet she's watched a few episodes of super nanny and really fancies herself as something of an expert Grin
If they are negative, and you suggest they are then hovering over your son evaluating every possible "wrong" thing he may do and then reporting it smugly back to you will not stop with any conversation you may open up with them. However carefully you try to do it.
You can't reason with crazy.
I'm with *Mary it's beneath you.

Just wait and sit back patiently and wait for her to be educated on the only way possible.... Having her own dc.
By then they'll be so mixed up in a shitstorm of their own making they'll leave you alone.