Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H left kids on my doorstep knowing I wasn't in

227 replies

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:12

I don't even know how to begin but I'm still fuming almost 3 nights later.
I started a thread last week struggling to get through the days since I split from my husband 7 weeks ago after discovering his affair.
Here is the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2440840-6-weeks-since-Ive-discovered-his-cheating-how-do-I-go-on
So the next day he turned up almost 3 hours late picking the girls up. Initially I wanted to give in and not meet with him for a meal as I just couldn't trust that he will keep it up.
He messaged me again after picking them up apologised for being late and numerous excuses and asked for one more chance to meet us later for that meal to show the girls we can get along.
We went to one of the girls favourite places as their is a park they can play at. For everyone else we probably looked like a normal couple. It was so hard I really struggled but I could see my babies were having fun and I persevered. We "chatted" about he girls and DD1's current body changes at age 7. Discovered she had hair under her arms and not sure what exactly I need to do to remove as being mixed race especially I didn't want her to have dark underarm pits like mine from shaving since age 12.
After our meal they wanted to go to the bigger side of the park to have a proper play. I stayed for 40 mins and said my goodbyes to them to start my walk back to my house to get changed to go to the gym.
He was fully aware of my plans as I mentioned it to him the night before and at the time that I kissed them goodbye.
Walked home quickly got changed and left. I then got a call from him to tell me to turn around and collect the girls from the house. I was a little confused and asked him what he meant and he said he has plans tonight and I have to turn around as they are all at the house but he is on his way to his new place. I of course thought he was just joking and demanded he put them on the phone or I walk to his work and embarrassed him. He just said "Oh well Social Services win" I stopped someone in the road to confirm with him on the phone that I wasn't near the house and asked him to put my kids oh the phone. He works not very far from the house.
In total I was away from the house almost 20 minutes by then. I then got a text message from my neighbour/friend who has kids similar ages telling me that she has my girls and she wasn't 100% sure what's happened but it seems like he left them on my doorstep.

I was of course fuming by then. When I got to hers she explained that they were on their way out for her sons swimming lessons and she was just upstairs when the doorbell went and DD1 aged 7 was still crying telling them that her dad dropped her off at the house and drove off. She asked DD2 age 4 to stay by the house whilst she crossed the road to see if neighbour was back from the their holiday.
Our houses are terraced houses with our front door almost on the road. Steps up to the front door. The opposite side of the road is different and friend isn't immediate neighbour she is 100yards down the road with her own garage and front door on the side meaning you can't see her door. She needs to stand on the pavement to see mine. So for that time my DD2 would have been totally on her own in floods of tears whilst DD1 went looking for help. Friend said that she was just stood crying by the door and they took her and rest of the bags to their house. Her husband waited around for a bit to see if H was coming back at all or hovering around to see if they were safe or for that matter if I came back. He of course didn't.
My first instinct is to protect my kids and therefore not ever send them to their dads again. I am not sure f phoning the police or Social Services would have disrupted their lives even more and I genuinely don't think I could have dealt with that as well. Have I done the right thing? Will this come back to me because I didn't contact the authorities.
He never called even after to make sure I had the girls. He sent a message 24hrs later "So what happens now? When can I see my girls?" I of course told him to fuck off.
I genuinely thought he would at least want to make things as simple and stress free for the kids as possible.

OP posts:
bjrce · 10/08/2015 01:18

I am sorry, but in this case, I think I would have this logged with Social services and have your neighbours to verify what happened, he will do this again. Controlling behaviour at its worst.
I really feel for you. He doesn't deserve unsupervised access to his children.

Reekypear · 10/08/2015 01:19

That's so awful.

He's messing with your head. I would not bother ringing SS, but I think you need to get legal help fast, and not let him have access without supervision.

Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 01:24

No unsupervised access.

Ask your neighbours if they will sign and affidavit stating what happened so that if he takes you to court then it is there in black and white.

Kill him.

OK so not the third one, but wish very hard that someone else does.

WalfordEast · 10/08/2015 01:24

Twat- for leaving two young children alone.

Thick as pig shit- for have the audacity to contact you to ask to see "his girls".

Flowers and Wine OP

Original poster
CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:24

Reekypear I do believe he is trying to mess with my head as he knows I'll stop everything for the kids. That is why he made sure they were upset on the phone when I was at my friends house and I'll come back immediately. Which I of course did.
This was of course the same but for me he went way too far by actually leaving them unattended. That is no more about control?
He knows that I have no one around after his parents have all turned on me as I refuse to send them on holiday with him.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 01:24

an not and

Original poster
CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:29

Walford after I told him to fuck off when he asked his response was " They of course want to see me" this is directly copied from my text messages. No idea where he think he is. I made it quite clear what will happen should he attempt to force his way to see them. To make sure he drop their scooters in the morning and my tool kit in order for me to fix their bikes and he will regret it if he doesn't do as I said because I was waiting on him to return to work and I'll turn up there in front of everyone and embarrass him some more (he thinks he is gods gift and his work is his only other priority)
That seemed to have worked. He dropped it all off without attempting to knock before 8am and it was his day off.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 10/08/2015 01:29

Stop contact and get some advice. He's an arsehole.

goddessofsmallthings · 10/08/2015 02:55

Please stop contact and get this incident logged with SS/the police, who may have a word with your h as abandoning his little dds in this manner.is as unlawful as it is cruel and inhuman.

As well as your gorgeous dds you have a another 4 blessings to count - your neighbour was in, your 7yo didn't come to harm crossing the road, and neither she nor your 4yo were abducted by an opportunist pervert.

Your h isn't fit to be a father and I hope you'll petition for divorce asap.

GColdtimer · 10/08/2015 03:04

I have girls of similar ages and I can imagine how scared they must have been. I would phone the police for advice and to get it logged. What kind of evil bastard does this to his DC? They would have been upset when he left.

What kind of father was he when you were together?

Hellionandfriends · 10/08/2015 03:25

At least log this with SS. He has failed in his duty of care

ARV1981 · 10/08/2015 05:07

I've just read your other thread.

I don't think you should feel obligated to protect him from social services, especially if he and his family have threatened to report you to them (obviously I don't think they have any reason to except spite). Please report this to social services. He should not be allowed unsupervised access to your precious children. He has put them at risk. It's completely unthinkable. Nothing is more important than their welfare.

Please report him and refuse any unsupervised contact. He should not be allowed to get away with this.

Flowers
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 05:16

I agree that you should report him to SS. YOu don't know whether or not any of the other neighbours saw and reported the incident anyway, so just to be on the safe side you need to inform them yourself, showing that it was not your fault this happened.

And because of this, he has no unsupervised access to them, as he's clearly not fit to look after them properly.

I have no doubt that he thought he was going to hammer you over this situation, but it's going to backfire spectacularly on him, isn't it.

So sorry that your girls were put through this, your 4yo must have been absolutely terrified, even if she knew her big sister was on her way back soon - and anything could have happened to her in those short minutes, sometimes bad luck does just visit on your doorstep.

Your H is an utter bastard for doing that to his children and deserves to have the wrath of the system fall upon him from a great height.

nooka · 10/08/2015 05:23

I think that if you have any concerns about your ex being vindictive I would make sure you can officially log this incident somewhere OP, because there is the possibility they could try and turn it on you. In fact I think I'd look to keep a really good document trial or perhaps a diary so that you have a really good record of his actions.

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 05:29

Please log this with SS. In the long term it's the right thing to do.

wallypops · 10/08/2015 07:02

You have to wise up and start playing the long game. Get every incident logged somewhere. Then when this goes to court it's all logged. Don't threaten him, don't let him know what you are up to. He's not your friend. This is you and your kids new reality. If he wants to see them he will now have to wait. There needs to be a proper access organized anyway.
Go to a solicitor. Find a good one that you think will be up to the job.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2015 07:33

First of all, stop playing happy families with him. Cold civility only.

He is an arsehole and trying to control you. Disengage now.

niceupthedance · 10/08/2015 07:50

Yes, please don't arrange to spend any more time with him even if it's for the DC sake.

coveredinsnot · 10/08/2015 07:54

You have no duty to protect him, but total responsibility for keeping your daughters safe
In this case, they means contacting social services and informing them about his behaviour. They will advise what to do next. Get your neighbours to call them too to confirm and corroborate your evidence
He sounds like an absolute arsehole! What kind of dad does that to their kids? It's absolutely not acceptable.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2015 07:56

I would want to know what he said to them when he left them.

saintlyjimjams · 10/08/2015 07:56

Not sure about SS, they're not easy to log an incident with unless you have an actual SW, but I would ring the non-emergency police number & get it logged there.

Also talk to a solicitor - they could send a letter saying it must not happen again.

saintlyjimjams · 10/08/2015 07:57

Or talk to your health visitor - they do a lot of child protection these days & will know how to get it logged.

Hellionandfriends · 10/08/2015 08:00

Log it with the police alternatively.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 08:02

I'd be stopping all contact now. And let him prove he can be reliable. That would mean him doing all the running and supervised contact. Or he could explain to the judge how he left such young children alone.
Don't give him the benefit of calling him in anger. Just text him what will happen from now on and why.
And I'd be ringing the police and ss for advice on any course of action.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/08/2015 08:07

Oh and OP, stop threatening to turn up at his work. Keep to the moral high ground. And keep your dignity. All you are doing is giving him ammo to attack you with later