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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H left kids on my doorstep knowing I wasn't in

227 replies

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:12

I don't even know how to begin but I'm still fuming almost 3 nights later.
I started a thread last week struggling to get through the days since I split from my husband 7 weeks ago after discovering his affair.
Here is the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2440840-6-weeks-since-Ive-discovered-his-cheating-how-do-I-go-on
So the next day he turned up almost 3 hours late picking the girls up. Initially I wanted to give in and not meet with him for a meal as I just couldn't trust that he will keep it up.
He messaged me again after picking them up apologised for being late and numerous excuses and asked for one more chance to meet us later for that meal to show the girls we can get along.
We went to one of the girls favourite places as their is a park they can play at. For everyone else we probably looked like a normal couple. It was so hard I really struggled but I could see my babies were having fun and I persevered. We "chatted" about he girls and DD1's current body changes at age 7. Discovered she had hair under her arms and not sure what exactly I need to do to remove as being mixed race especially I didn't want her to have dark underarm pits like mine from shaving since age 12.
After our meal they wanted to go to the bigger side of the park to have a proper play. I stayed for 40 mins and said my goodbyes to them to start my walk back to my house to get changed to go to the gym.
He was fully aware of my plans as I mentioned it to him the night before and at the time that I kissed them goodbye.
Walked home quickly got changed and left. I then got a call from him to tell me to turn around and collect the girls from the house. I was a little confused and asked him what he meant and he said he has plans tonight and I have to turn around as they are all at the house but he is on his way to his new place. I of course thought he was just joking and demanded he put them on the phone or I walk to his work and embarrassed him. He just said "Oh well Social Services win" I stopped someone in the road to confirm with him on the phone that I wasn't near the house and asked him to put my kids oh the phone. He works not very far from the house.
In total I was away from the house almost 20 minutes by then. I then got a text message from my neighbour/friend who has kids similar ages telling me that she has my girls and she wasn't 100% sure what's happened but it seems like he left them on my doorstep.

I was of course fuming by then. When I got to hers she explained that they were on their way out for her sons swimming lessons and she was just upstairs when the doorbell went and DD1 aged 7 was still crying telling them that her dad dropped her off at the house and drove off. She asked DD2 age 4 to stay by the house whilst she crossed the road to see if neighbour was back from the their holiday.
Our houses are terraced houses with our front door almost on the road. Steps up to the front door. The opposite side of the road is different and friend isn't immediate neighbour she is 100yards down the road with her own garage and front door on the side meaning you can't see her door. She needs to stand on the pavement to see mine. So for that time my DD2 would have been totally on her own in floods of tears whilst DD1 went looking for help. Friend said that she was just stood crying by the door and they took her and rest of the bags to their house. Her husband waited around for a bit to see if H was coming back at all or hovering around to see if they were safe or for that matter if I came back. He of course didn't.
My first instinct is to protect my kids and therefore not ever send them to their dads again. I am not sure f phoning the police or Social Services would have disrupted their lives even more and I genuinely don't think I could have dealt with that as well. Have I done the right thing? Will this come back to me because I didn't contact the authorities.
He never called even after to make sure I had the girls. He sent a message 24hrs later "So what happens now? When can I see my girls?" I of course told him to fuck off.
I genuinely thought he would at least want to make things as simple and stress free for the kids as possible.

OP posts:
Supervet · 10/08/2015 18:40

unmumsnetty hugs you've done the right thing.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 18:40

Pyjamas, big bar of chocolate and Friends reruns for you tonight, OP. Or tomato soup and The West Wing, or whatever. Time for an uncomplicated breather before tomorrow.

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2015 18:47

Don't speak to him at all OP.
Wait until you have spoken to the police.
If he turns up call them. I really do think he is unpredictable and dangerous.

Offred · 10/08/2015 19:09

Yes, well done. That was a very difficult thing to do but absolutely the right one.

We are all here to hold your hand.

Offred · 10/08/2015 19:12

And please know that you don't have to put up with his bullying either. He doesn't need to be in contact with you at all just now. Take some space.

CatsandCrumble · 10/08/2015 19:17

Well done. That must have been hard.

Brew Flowers

NeedsMoreCowBell · 10/08/2015 19:21

Fair play Cookie

Selfish fucker to use his own children like that Sad

Hope you and your girls are OK.

Findtheoldme · 10/08/2015 19:29

What a horrible excuse for a man never mind father.

You need to get tough.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 10/08/2015 19:48

Well done Flowers
You already know the first advice you got wasn't good so just put it out of your mind.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 20:05

Well done cookie stay on the thread and you will get plenty of support Flowers

feministwithtitsin · 10/08/2015 21:19

Well done for calling the police. He has commited a crime. Its child abandonment/neglect.

Im a little shocked that people were unsure if knowingly leaving your young children alone would be illegal! Of course it is! Not sure what SS would be doing here? Children aren't at risk because they have a fantastic mum Flowers

CalleighDoodle · 10/08/2015 21:24

I have a 3 amd 5 year old and am angry for you. Glad you phoned the police. You cant reason with aresholes.

TRexingInAsda · 10/08/2015 21:42

You've done exactly the right thing. What he did was stupid and completely irresponsible. He is incapable or unwilling to keep the children safe. You had to log it with SS, the children need protecting, and if you don't log it, it didn't happen as far as SS are concerned. Take the SS/child centre advice as to contact from now on. I imagine they'll recommend supervised, since he's such a stupid fucker risk to them, and that's for the best given his actions. This is 100% his fault and not yours though, and don't let him make you believe otherwise.

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2015 21:46

OP - the bottom line is that this man does not care about his children.
He places no importance on their safety and wellbeing.
To him they are just playthings to use to get at you.

Normal expectations and rules do not apply. He will not look after them or keep them safe, therefore he must not be allowed to see them unsupervised.

DollyTwat · 10/08/2015 21:59

Well done op
Reporting this kind of behaviour means you have reliable evidence when you are in court

The courts like to see you have followed the 'right' procedure

GColdtimer · 10/08/2015 23:14

Well done cookies, you have done the right thing. The first step is always the hardest and you have made it. Hope you manage to sleep tonight - there will be this thread to support you.

As an aside I was assaulted a few years ago by a shopkeeper. The Threads have been deleted now as he found them but I probably wouldn't have gone through with pressing charges had it not been for the support of MN.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2015 00:47

oh I remember those threads, Twofall - what was the outcome of pressing charges? (I don't remember that bit)

Cookies - sorry you got an opinionated twat on the end of the CAB line, but at least you have phoned the right people now, and CAB may still be useful for other things.
I hope the phonecall in the morning goes well and that this is logged properly now - I also hope that it sets in chain events that will make your STBEXH realise that he no longer has that sort of control over you.

I still can't believe anyone who purported to care for their children would leave them like that, so clearly he doesn't care about them at all - the 4yo could have been off into the road easily, and the 7yo unlikely to be able to stop her! My 7yo can't stop my 2yo if he wants to take off, he wouldn't stand a chance with a 4yo.

(((hugs))) for you and Wine and Thanks - you've done the right thing.

Jux · 11/08/2015 01:15

Good luck, for the morning. You are doing the right thing. Thanks

Atenco · 11/08/2015 02:05

Just remember that even if you had been supposed to be there when he showed up with the children, no one in there right mind would just leave them on the street without knocking and waiting for you to answer.

lunar1 · 11/08/2015 03:01

Well done for ringing the police, you weren't left with another choice really.

dangerrabbit · 11/08/2015 06:51

OP, I am sorry to hear what happened. Glad to hear that you rang the police in order to get this incident logged. They will of course report to SS as your XH has shown himself to be a completely unfit father by his behaviour. However, by reporting the incident yourself you have acted in your children's best interests and have nothing to fear from talking to SS today. Good luck Thanks

ARV1981 · 11/08/2015 08:41

Well done op.

starlight2007 · 11/08/2015 08:50

Well done for phoning police and good luck with call today.

I think the CAB are more useful for financial advise than this kind of thing from what I have heard.

My ex had supervised contact without a court order due to various issues.. When it did end up in court CAFCASS were aware there had been supervised contact so was aware there were some issues..Also the courts do frown on parents not taking up contact offered, as it looks like it is only on their terms.

CamelHump · 11/08/2015 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/08/2015 09:24

As an ex CAB adviser (volunteer), I don't take kindly to the volunteer-slagging. It's a long training period and by the end of it you can deal with a huge variety of problems. The referring to folders you refer to was to make sure we got complex things right, not just a sort of googling.

However, having worked in an inner city CAB (mainly paid and extremely expert and devoted staff) and a suburban CAB, I can say that in the suburban ones you do get a lot of middle-aged ladies with time on their hands volunteering, and I heard some shocking opinions given over the advice line in the guise of factual advice. It happens, unfortunately.

So for something of this nature I would suggest talking to agencies with expertise in these matters. This sort of thing was not covered in my CAB training.

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