Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

6 weeks since I've discovered his cheating how do I go on

(18 Posts)
CookiesNookie Tue 04-Aug-15 06:14:34

I'm really really struggling getting through all of this on my own. My kids are finally seeing their dad since he hasn't shown much interest but that means I have been sat on my bed since yesterday morning at 8:30 when they left. Hurt by his words and almost like he is blaming me for his affair.
I've been on the phone with Samiratans 3 times yesterday. My heart hurts so badly. It's 6am how do u go through another 24hrs awake.
I cannot do this anymore. I just want my life to go back to how it was 6 weeks ago but without his lies. This week we were supposed to have been on holiday. I have no one near me to help me. Please help me get through this

LowlLowl Tue 04-Aug-15 06:26:11

I have no idea what to say other than you're not alone and I'm sending virtual hugs. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, I don't know any of the details but you are obviously in pieces. Is there a friend in real life who you could phone, even if they aren't near by? The only thing I can suggest is to hang on in there. It well get better eventually, I can promise that.

CookiesNookie Tue 04-Aug-15 06:32:05

Thank you for your reply. The only friend that I can phone is in another country and she has been great. But she also works. The only other friend lives a distance away here and when all this came out she was in the last few weeks of her pregnancy and been there. She finally had him 2 weeks ago and I on top of looking after her other 2 boys she does try and keep in touch via what's app.

rumred Tue 04-Aug-15 06:46:09

Sorry to hear what's happened to you. It might be helpful to see your Gp and get counselling and or medication just to get through this first bit. Can you go on holiday anyway? Would that help?

CookiesNookie Tue 04-Aug-15 06:47:07

6 weeks ago on a Friday he was with me at my daughter's parent information morning of her new school. He left midway as work was very busy I went about our norm Friday routine of taking her to her Friday morning activity as she never had preschool on Fridays. Met his mum who then normally takes her from me for a few hours.
We are new to the area and were invited to our first BBQ with friends we've made through DD1's friends. A big group of mums with husbands and their kids doing their annual BBQ who wanted to include the "new family" and invited us along the Saturday. I was in the shop trying to buy some meet to take with and called him to confirm something. His mobile went to voicemail which isn't unheard of as he always asks me to call him on his work number. I called him on work number. Receptionist seemed her usual cheerful self and when I asked to speak to him "sorry Cookie, but Mr Cookie has a day off today"
Me: " No sorry you got it wrong, he was in later than usual this morning because of a meeting with my daughter's school"
Receptionist: "sorry my mistake I'm so sorry will call him for you" (puts me on hold and comes back a little longer than usual) "Sorry Cookie but the guys have just confirmed that he definitely has a day off and we are not expecting him back"
Me: thank you.
I then text him a message asking him to call me urgently. Which he did almost instantly.
"Are you okay, are the kids okay"
Me: yes sorry needed to ask you something but where are you?
Him: what you mean I'm at work
Me: no you can't be cos I'm at your work right now (he works just 5 mins away from home same area and of corse I was still in the shop not near his work)
Him: what are you doing there.
Me: oh well you are supposed to be here so where are you.
Met with long silence and then anyway I have to go now.

This was 3pm on a Friday afternoon. He turned up 4am the Saturday morning trying to lie about things.
But 4am I discovered who he was with her name and everything. Finally told him some of what I knew and he admitted he's been seeing her for 2 weeks.
His other receptionist who I've met a few times before and who befriended me couple of months ago and came for a meal at our house called me the next morning and told me she only just started the job. She was there less than 4 weeks. He is her manager.

rumred Tue 04-Aug-15 07:24:43

Despicable behaviour all ways round. Your reaction is completely understandable. Have you thought about returning to your original area? He's put you in an incredibly vulnerable and difficult position. Has he got form for this type of shitty behaviour?

Pinot4me Tue 04-Aug-15 07:33:23

What a horrible thing to happen. No wonder you're so upset. I hope you find a way through. Is this behaviour out of character for him?

HawkEyeTheNoo Tue 04-Aug-15 07:41:00

So sorry OP, it does get easier I promise. You NEED to see your GP. I've been there too. It's horrible without the kids as when they go you realise that you are alone and think there is no purpose without them, I did the same as you, in fact I don't think I showered for about a week. It may not be the right time for you but you have to try and keep busy if there isn't anyone nearby to confide in, tackle that junk cupboard and play music, loud, so your mind might have someplace else to go instead of letting it settle on this horrible thing that has happened.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it might be a little bit dull just now but it will get brighter with each day and each little step and one day you will be bathed in warm light and life will be new and amazing. The hurt and betrayal will never go but they will lessen with time and whilst you can't see it now you will be stronger because of it

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 04-Aug-15 07:42:19

How do you get through this? By taking it minute by minute.

It hurts so much and I remember the physical pain vividly. It felt like my skin was on fire, I had such a pain in my chest and I was constantly vomiting.

I never thought it would get better. I had some dark times but with the strength of friends, family, the Samaritans and MN, you get through it. My GP was fantastic too.

This is grief, you have to treat it that way. It is early days but those days when you start to stop thinking, 'this time 6 weeks ago' become fewer and fewer.

I am sorry you are going through this and it will take time. Hold your DCs close, they will be your strength flowers

HawkEyeTheNoo Tue 04-Aug-15 22:30:41

OP how are you? You haven't posted since early hours and I'm a bit worried hmm

Zebraface Wed 05-Aug-15 22:55:25

OP
Are you OK?
I can remember spending hours in bed, just not wanting to be awake and having to façe reality.
Please be kind to yourself ....& remember to eat.

CookiesNookie Thu 06-Aug-15 09:26:53

Hi, thanks for your messages. Just to update. After my very awful weekend and especially Monday I decided to call him to come over and told him that I needed to get away for a few days. That I've packed a bag and because he was only getting keys to his new flat on Saturday I told him that the fridge is stocked and kids clothes are all packed away that he can use the spare key his mum have and stay with the kids in the house but I needed to get out of the house for a few days and clear my head and be around people as I'm struggling really bad.
He gave me all the reasons of why I shouldn't go and the kids missing me to the point that both him and his mum threatened me with Social Services and what kind of mother abandons her kids. Bearing in mind he has the week off as we were supposed too have been on holiday. I dismissed their claims. Spent the day with a friend who has a newborn and from their took various trains and ended up at another friends house at 9pm. And I was hoping to stay at a few different houses.
My friend has been really helpful and coming from a divorced parents (both of us still have our parents happily married) gave me some advice. Instead of then staying the day I decided to come home as much as I didn't feel ready to be home,
I told him I was home and realised he never came back to the house himself and that he got the keys to the flat the day I left, (not sure if he knew he was going to get it)
Refused to let the kids talk to me but kept on telling me how much they miss me. This was the morning as well whilst I was still at my friend's house.

So I ended up most of yesterday all on my own and emotional again.
He then just turned up at 7pm with them as my 4 year old was crying uncontrollably for me. After I calmed her down I sat down with him and suggested how to move on that will be in the children's interest only. With no hidden agenda for either of us. Both the girls are struggling with it all.

But today I will be joining them later this afternoon for a meal somewhere to show them that even though we are not together we love them and we can be in the same place at the same time. He will have the girls 3 nights a week and one night a week we will try and maybe have a meal together. My 4 year old is starting school in September and I'm really already stressed about how we will be on that first day as we already discussed what we will be doing on his day off when she starts school and about time for ourselves. So I'm hoping with this new suggestion we can find away of being less angry and more importantly me being less upset every time the girls leave me.

I am still struggling but I woke up this morning with my beautiful babies in my bed as they both wanted to sleep with me. My head is exploding and I have had a constant headache for weeks now. I try not to cry anymore especially when they are around. Hopefully I'll be okay for the rest of the week when they are with him. I can only hope he starts acting less of a dick.

CookiesNookie Thu 06-Aug-15 09:40:40

Rumred and pinot4me unfortunately has has form. Exactly 4 years ago he got paid and cleared out his bank account and disappeared for a few days. My kids were 3 months old and 3 years. 2 weeks before my due date I found out he was using cocain and he spent all of our savings and emergency fund. I tried to help him but he wasn't interested and his life just spiralled out of control. He lost his drivers licence and he needed it for his job. That summer holidays I struggled all on my own with 2 little ones with not even my "so called" friends offering to help out as I'm such a "strong person". My the autumn he asked for helped and I helped him as I knew he was a very hands on dad when not on drugs and that at least I will get some help as his family never came near me. He then briefly started seeing a 51 year old woman who used to be our neighbour but she cheated and her husband was 16 years younger kicked her out. My own husband at the time was 30.
Long story short he tried everything to make it up. The following summer he moved back into the house and during that whole time from the November to the summer he wanted to spent all of time with the girls and I.

Right now a lot of my anger is the fact that I felt like I wasted an extra 4 years of my life with him. That I could have been further 4 years ago, there were no signs of him being unhappy. He has worked so hard and finally got the promotion he wanted at the new job that he didn't ever get at the job he was at for 8 years. Everything that came out his mouth up until early June was about our future. ( buying a house, our decisions about me working, the kids, the current house we are in) so this was completely out of the blue as I never thought he would do something as horrible again and this time it's not even drugs, he is as clean as you can get and doesn't even smoke anymore.
He constantly showed me and the girls off with work and was proud of my sewing and begged me to have a stall at his ladies night last month ( which I paid to do but ended up not doing because she was there as well)

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Aug-15 10:10:24

Oh Cookies you poor thing. What an incredibly selfish man.

Have you seen a solicitor at all? what is the house situation - are you mortgaged or renting?

Hang in there, and do see your GP for help - at a time like this there's no shame in getting help through meds.

CookiesNookie Thu 06-Aug-15 10:28:12

I know it's hard to see his selfishness through the love I still have for him but yes he has been incredibly selfish.
We are renting as we've worked on getting his credit file back to how it was to enable us to apply for a mortgage. He is on a very good wage and we were hoping that whatever I was going to earn part-time and extra from his salary we were going to all just save for a deposit and hopefully apply for a mortgage next summer/Autumn.

I saw a drop in solicitor and he could only give me general advice because I don't have the money to afford one.

pocketsaviour Thu 06-Aug-15 11:57:39

OK, I think your next steps should be to ring round local solicitors and find ones who will do an initial half hour free appointments, and go to them, go to several to get a good range of advice. (Tip: don't say "I can't afford a solicitor", just play it cagey but do ask how you can keep the cost of the divorce down.) You could also make an appointment with the CAB to get advice about claiming benefits, etc. is he currently still paying rent? You will need to put in a claim for housing benefit, as well as working tax credit. He will also need to pay maintenance for the DC - if you know his salary, you can work out how much yourself online
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

If you haven't already, separate your finances as a priority, to prevent a repeat of his previous behaviour i.e. clearing out the account.

Hang in there. Can you plan something really nice for you and the girls for when they are back - something to look forward to?

Myturnnow4 Thu 06-Aug-15 12:04:50

People said this to me, and I just couldn't hear it, but it does get easier. How could it not? You can only live so long with pain coming from every direction.

At first I lived each day an hour at a time. And it was pretty basic - have I had a drink of water? Could I have a mouthful of some food? What would make me feel safer right now?

rumred Thu 06-Aug-15 21:26:04

Excellent advice from pocketsaviour. Your new life, without a wanker in it, starts now

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now