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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H left kids on my doorstep knowing I wasn't in

227 replies

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:12

I don't even know how to begin but I'm still fuming almost 3 nights later.
I started a thread last week struggling to get through the days since I split from my husband 7 weeks ago after discovering his affair.
Here is the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2440840-6-weeks-since-Ive-discovered-his-cheating-how-do-I-go-on
So the next day he turned up almost 3 hours late picking the girls up. Initially I wanted to give in and not meet with him for a meal as I just couldn't trust that he will keep it up.
He messaged me again after picking them up apologised for being late and numerous excuses and asked for one more chance to meet us later for that meal to show the girls we can get along.
We went to one of the girls favourite places as their is a park they can play at. For everyone else we probably looked like a normal couple. It was so hard I really struggled but I could see my babies were having fun and I persevered. We "chatted" about he girls and DD1's current body changes at age 7. Discovered she had hair under her arms and not sure what exactly I need to do to remove as being mixed race especially I didn't want her to have dark underarm pits like mine from shaving since age 12.
After our meal they wanted to go to the bigger side of the park to have a proper play. I stayed for 40 mins and said my goodbyes to them to start my walk back to my house to get changed to go to the gym.
He was fully aware of my plans as I mentioned it to him the night before and at the time that I kissed them goodbye.
Walked home quickly got changed and left. I then got a call from him to tell me to turn around and collect the girls from the house. I was a little confused and asked him what he meant and he said he has plans tonight and I have to turn around as they are all at the house but he is on his way to his new place. I of course thought he was just joking and demanded he put them on the phone or I walk to his work and embarrassed him. He just said "Oh well Social Services win" I stopped someone in the road to confirm with him on the phone that I wasn't near the house and asked him to put my kids oh the phone. He works not very far from the house.
In total I was away from the house almost 20 minutes by then. I then got a text message from my neighbour/friend who has kids similar ages telling me that she has my girls and she wasn't 100% sure what's happened but it seems like he left them on my doorstep.

I was of course fuming by then. When I got to hers she explained that they were on their way out for her sons swimming lessons and she was just upstairs when the doorbell went and DD1 aged 7 was still crying telling them that her dad dropped her off at the house and drove off. She asked DD2 age 4 to stay by the house whilst she crossed the road to see if neighbour was back from the their holiday.
Our houses are terraced houses with our front door almost on the road. Steps up to the front door. The opposite side of the road is different and friend isn't immediate neighbour she is 100yards down the road with her own garage and front door on the side meaning you can't see her door. She needs to stand on the pavement to see mine. So for that time my DD2 would have been totally on her own in floods of tears whilst DD1 went looking for help. Friend said that she was just stood crying by the door and they took her and rest of the bags to their house. Her husband waited around for a bit to see if H was coming back at all or hovering around to see if they were safe or for that matter if I came back. He of course didn't.
My first instinct is to protect my kids and therefore not ever send them to their dads again. I am not sure f phoning the police or Social Services would have disrupted their lives even more and I genuinely don't think I could have dealt with that as well. Have I done the right thing? Will this come back to me because I didn't contact the authorities.
He never called even after to make sure I had the girls. He sent a message 24hrs later "So what happens now? When can I see my girls?" I of course told him to fuck off.
I genuinely thought he would at least want to make things as simple and stress free for the kids as possible.

OP posts:

Gfplux · 10/08/2015 17:53

You must, must report this to SS.

Original poster

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 17:53

Can I ask. I have contacted my local Child Cintact Centre that is equally appalled by his behaviour.
She asked me what's happened and if we have a court order in place.
She explained that we could go through them and arranged supported contact of 2 x 2hrs a month. She said to email him and tell him the procedure and arrange contact via them.

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 18:05

Good news, OP.

Offred · 10/08/2015 18:07

That's good that they believed and took it seriously and you can certainly go the supervised contact centre route as a temporary solution.

It is still a brushing it under the carpet solution though IMO.

Someone who does this to their own DC IMO needs the intervention of SS and/or the police. Going to a contact centre for a few weeks is not going to make him into any less of a danger.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 18:11

It's a good start.

I also agree that he should have a reality check by the police and/or ss.

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 18:13

cookie he abandoned your crying kids to get at you. Why are you still trying to facilitate him?

If he is capable of this I'm sure this isn't the only shit he is going to pull dragging your kids in to the cross Fire. Id call SS and ask their opinion and what to do.

Are you scared to phone them ?

Glitteryarse · 10/08/2015 18:15

If you havnt got a court order asking him to go through the contact center voluntary is going to mean shit to him. He sounds like the type of bloke to tell you to jump.

DollyTwat · 10/08/2015 18:16

Op my ex fuckwit dud thus with my dc. Dropped them off at my house when they were 8 and 11
Luckily my friend took them in

I contacted social services who were very interested. I was advised to stop contact as it was putting them in danger. I then took him to court for supervised contact only

My situation had moved on, a few years later the kids were happy to see him occasionally. Every time he was meant to have them though, he'd drop them back after a couple of hours. I was once in a coach to London and got a call from them to say they were home

It's a control thing - it means you can't have a life and go out as you have to always be on call in case he does it again

Offred · 10/08/2015 18:17

Yes, he deliberately harmed them in a really horribly calculated way in addition to all the other headfuckery of trying to get you to pretend you were a happy family and turning up 3 hours late.

Turning up hours late means you don't see the DC that day IMO.

Trying to fuck with your head means he doesn't get to communicate with you as easily as he did before IMO.

Deliberately abandoning such small children, for me, would have been an instant report to SS/police and complete cessation of contact till SS/police had concluded any investigation they were going to do.

Offred · 10/08/2015 18:21

Are you afraid of him? That people would see that as an overreaction?

GColdtimer · 10/08/2015 18:24

Cookie, I really don't understand why you haven't at least logged this with the police or social services. He abandoned your children on the doorstep of their house not knowing how long you would be before you reached them. Any half decent father would never do this. They must have been terrified. Are you scared to make the call? I think you need to show him you will not tolerate this shit and the first step is either the police or SS. We are all here holding your hand.

nauticant · 10/08/2015 18:24

Is there actually some obstacle that's preventing you from logging this with the police or SS?

Hellionandfriends · 10/08/2015 18:28

It's the bloody CAB!! Often run by elderly volunteers who have no knowledge of this sort of thing. When you rang the CAB, you got the woman's personal opinion, not a professional knowledgable opinion. You need to ring SS. Your children are at risk

Hellionandfriends · 10/08/2015 18:29

Log the incident with SS then go through the centre for contact

Lweji · 10/08/2015 18:31

If you havnt got a court order asking him to go through the contact center voluntary is going to mean shit to him.

In that case he doesn't see them. Win.

They certainly don't need an abusive twat in their lives.

Original poster

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 18:32

Please hold my hand. Just got off with 101. They will of course refer to SS themselves but asked me to call them at 9am tomorrow. I am shaking

OP posts:

Inertia · 10/08/2015 18:34

If you call the police, they'll know whether it's a criminal offence that they can act upon.

If you tell social services, they'll make the decision about whether they need to become involved and make recommendations about safeguarding the children when in their father's care.

If you don't tell them, you're leaving your children wide open to being placed in danger every time they have contact, and you're also open to accusations from your husband and family if they get a lie in first.

And at the moment, there's nothing to stop your husband insisting on having unsupervised parental contact, because none of the authorities are aware of his actions- can you imagine how bloody terrified your children are going to be next time they have to go to him? Don't let your inaction now put you in the position of facing a court order which insists your children must go for unsupervised contact with him.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 18:35

Cookie you have done the right thing.

A man who can do this to two young children, let alone his own children, really has no boundaries. He is dangerous.

Inertia · 10/08/2015 18:35

Cross post- well done Cookie. You've done the right thing.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 18:35

abc73 · 10/08/2015 18:36

Well done, you are doing the right thing and protecting your DC. Something their father failed to do.

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 18:36

Joysmum · 10/08/2015 18:37

You are absolutely doing the right thing to protect your children's welfare. Not only did he upset them, he put them at risk because he thought the game play was more important than both those things.

Please please please see that you're doing what's right for your children, fuck what this means for him.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 18:37

Big hug

I know it's hard. So well done for breaking the pattern of trying to appease him and dealing with him yourself.
Try to find something that can relax you. But you will see that putting this in motion will give you so much more peace in the long run. (From experience) And to your children.

Hellionandfriends · 10/08/2015 18:38

Holds hands

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