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Original poster

H left kids on my doorstep knowing I wasn't in

227 replies

CookiesNookie · 10/08/2015 01:12

I don't even know how to begin but I'm still fuming almost 3 nights later.
I started a thread last week struggling to get through the days since I split from my husband 7 weeks ago after discovering his affair.
Here is the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2440840-6-weeks-since-Ive-discovered-his-cheating-how-do-I-go-on
So the next day he turned up almost 3 hours late picking the girls up. Initially I wanted to give in and not meet with him for a meal as I just couldn't trust that he will keep it up.
He messaged me again after picking them up apologised for being late and numerous excuses and asked for one more chance to meet us later for that meal to show the girls we can get along.
We went to one of the girls favourite places as their is a park they can play at. For everyone else we probably looked like a normal couple. It was so hard I really struggled but I could see my babies were having fun and I persevered. We "chatted" about he girls and DD1's current body changes at age 7. Discovered she had hair under her arms and not sure what exactly I need to do to remove as being mixed race especially I didn't want her to have dark underarm pits like mine from shaving since age 12.
After our meal they wanted to go to the bigger side of the park to have a proper play. I stayed for 40 mins and said my goodbyes to them to start my walk back to my house to get changed to go to the gym.
He was fully aware of my plans as I mentioned it to him the night before and at the time that I kissed them goodbye.
Walked home quickly got changed and left. I then got a call from him to tell me to turn around and collect the girls from the house. I was a little confused and asked him what he meant and he said he has plans tonight and I have to turn around as they are all at the house but he is on his way to his new place. I of course thought he was just joking and demanded he put them on the phone or I walk to his work and embarrassed him. He just said "Oh well Social Services win" I stopped someone in the road to confirm with him on the phone that I wasn't near the house and asked him to put my kids oh the phone. He works not very far from the house.
In total I was away from the house almost 20 minutes by then. I then got a text message from my neighbour/friend who has kids similar ages telling me that she has my girls and she wasn't 100% sure what's happened but it seems like he left them on my doorstep.

I was of course fuming by then. When I got to hers she explained that they were on their way out for her sons swimming lessons and she was just upstairs when the doorbell went and DD1 aged 7 was still crying telling them that her dad dropped her off at the house and drove off. She asked DD2 age 4 to stay by the house whilst she crossed the road to see if neighbour was back from the their holiday.
Our houses are terraced houses with our front door almost on the road. Steps up to the front door. The opposite side of the road is different and friend isn't immediate neighbour she is 100yards down the road with her own garage and front door on the side meaning you can't see her door. She needs to stand on the pavement to see mine. So for that time my DD2 would have been totally on her own in floods of tears whilst DD1 went looking for help. Friend said that she was just stood crying by the door and they took her and rest of the bags to their house. Her husband waited around for a bit to see if H was coming back at all or hovering around to see if they were safe or for that matter if I came back. He of course didn't.
My first instinct is to protect my kids and therefore not ever send them to their dads again. I am not sure f phoning the police or Social Services would have disrupted their lives even more and I genuinely don't think I could have dealt with that as well. Have I done the right thing? Will this come back to me because I didn't contact the authorities.
He never called even after to make sure I had the girls. He sent a message 24hrs later "So what happens now? When can I see my girls?" I of course told him to fuck off.
I genuinely thought he would at least want to make things as simple and stress free for the kids as possible.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 16:17

CAB are notoriously useless at stuff like this.

Look at the facts.

He told you when he would drop them off.
You told him that you were going out.
He then changed the time.
He left them at home alone, outside the house, knowing that you werent there and drove away.
At no point could this be taken as a mistake, he knew full well what he was doing and did it anyway.

That is what a court will see, and his lawyer can bugger about with it all they like, but thats what happened and it will not go down well in court, especially as you have your neighbours to corroborate what happened. It is not your word against his.

Yes a court would look unfavourably on you if you stopped contact to be spiteful or to get back at him, you are not doing that. You are stopping unsupervised contact as he willfully and knowingly abandoned them in the street.

Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 16:19

Sorry, I meant to add.

Call 101 now and ask them for advice, you will probably get far more information from them than you did from CAB.

www.naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre Link to find a supervised access centre.

KirstyJC · 10/08/2015 16:21

Bollocks! She is wrong. He clearly told you he had left them at the house and that you needed to go an pick them up. He knew exactly what he was doing and is planning to use this as a threat - ie that you better do what he says otherwise he will put them at risk again.

Call 101 and tell them what happened and make sure your neighbour tells them too. Call SS and tell them you are worried that your ex is unable to keep them safe and that he and his family have been threatening you. Ignore him. And get a good solicitor.

Has he even asked if they were OK? Or apologised for them being upset? A genuine mistake would have meant a very distressed father who would be distraught at what had happened. Does that sound like him? Thought not....

Stop letting him call the shots. You are the one in control here - he is aware of that and is trying to make sure you don't see it.

Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 16:22

And.....sorry! How can it possibly be a mistake when he knew you werent there?

He could say "oh I thought she was in" but as he didnt take them into the house and you didnt come out to get them, he is failing there too. They are 7 and 4, they should be seen safely into the house not booted out on the pavement and him driving off. If he realised that you werent there then he should have either waited with them or taken them to where you were.

No way can anyone argue that this was a mistake! Dumping 2 upset young children is not a mistake!

Joysmum · 10/08/2015 16:22

I'm sorry but CAB are volunteers who read from folders, they do have a few specialists though.

I do not bother with CAB for anything now.

Bogeyface · 10/08/2015 16:23

Just a thought (sorry again, on a roll here!)

Could you email him about what happened, demanding answers and an explaination?

If you can get him to admit what he did and that it was deliberate then he hasnt got a leg to stand on.

Supervet · 10/08/2015 16:23

You need to log this with police or ss . If like a friend you don't it will come to bite you on the arse further down the line when you need to protect them.

Binit · 10/08/2015 16:24

Tell SS. Both could have been killed by a car. What a complete fucking idiot. Keep the texts from your friend, write down the conversation with your ex.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:28

Leaving small children on a doorstep is not a mistake is it? It's neglectful care.

I volunteer at CAB and think they could have been much more helpful - WTAF? HmmShock

However I don't think they are the right people to be in touch with. I'm not really understanding why you aren't keen to report this to the police/SS. They are the appropriate agencies IMO.

If you were my client at CAB that is what I would have told you but you've already been told this on here...

No sense in protecting him IMO.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:32

And yes, it's true CAB are volunteers. It's also true that every CAB is different as each area is it's own independent charity and does things differently. Our CAB is excellent - it isn't reading from folders, there is a huge amount of training available, legal advice qualifications up to degree level etc. I don't think it's fair to discourage people from going based on your personal experience but agree people should recognise that it's a service provided by a charity and largely delivered by volunteers so is definitely not always perfect.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:34

CAB isn't supposed to be trained on domestic abuse or child neglect, is it?
Why aren't you contacting the people who do have children's best interests at heart?

The rspc would probably be more helpful.
But if you want to keep playing the game and leaving your children at risk, keep on repeating the pattern.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:38

Indeed.

What training each volunteer has done is generally down to how good the bureau is on pushing/providing training.

No-one at CAB should give you legal advice though. Being told that the court would think you were alienating the children is something you could complain about to the supervisor if you wanted. The volunteer could be retrained or let go for giving that 'advice'.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:43

But either way. Not reporting this to the appropriate places is not any good for anyone IMO.

People have been prosecuted for neglect when they left DC in the car to go into shops and at home while doing a driving lesson.

He put them at risk deliberately to get at you. It is not something you can ignore IMO nor is it something that will be fixed by being swept under the carpet.

DancingDinosaur · 10/08/2015 16:43

Log this with ssd and let them step in for the sake of your girls.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:44

If you don't report it he will be pleased to discover he is able to get away with doing whatever he wants with no consequences whatsoever and that you will not take steps to stop him doing that.

Hissy · 10/08/2015 16:45

He left a 4 yo and a 7 yo on a doorstep?

What a spectacularly shit arsehole he is!

No more engagement with him. No visits nothing.

I would ring SS too, and get it logged.

Was he abusive towards you? He sounds like he's happy to hurt/harm the children to get to and hurt you.

Offred · 10/08/2015 16:49

And you don't need more evidence anyway. He called you because he knew what he had done. He sent messages talking about SS...

All I'd be thinking about at this point is his face when he opens the door to PC plod asking him WTAF he thought he was doing...

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 16:54

CAB are talking out of their arses. You have witnesses and a record of his phone call. Talk to SS and meanwhile say you are not prepared for him to have unsupervised access because he abandoned the DCs on your doorstep when he knew you were out and left them crying to be taken in by a neighbour.

Keep his response for SS.

coveredinsnot · 10/08/2015 16:58

Why have you called the CAB and not the police or social services? I don't understand
There are a lot of people on this thread saying you should call SS and police.
The CAB are not trained to manage such situations. The crap advice you were given just proves that.
Call the right people. You will get the right responses then.

CamelHump · 10/08/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 10/08/2015 17:11

Even if he tried saying that he thought you were in, why would he just leave them on the doorstep rather than seeing them safely inside.

Ie handed over to you?

vestandsocks · 10/08/2015 17:30

I agree about getting this logged somehow and getting further advice, either with police or social services. You never know what else he might be capable of in the future. Clearly he does not have your dc's best interests at heart and their, and your, safety is paramount.

Also agree with keeping contact minimal and keeping communication cold and brief.

kaftanlady · 10/08/2015 17:30

CAB are not experts. Hence the poor advice.

If you want to speak to someone first, as a stepping stone to calling SS or the police, how about the NSPCC?

0808 800 5000

www.nspcc.org.uk/

3littlefrogs · 10/08/2015 17:39

CAB completely inappropriate for this.
Call SS now and report. It is a very serious safeguarding issue and abusive behaviour on the part of your ex. He knowingly put his children in serious danger.

I don't want to frighten you OP but this sort of man could escalate his behaviour. He doesn't care about his children - he simply regards them as pawns to use against you. Don't give him another opportunity.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/08/2015 17:51

Many CAB offices deal primarily with debt and issues like that. My link upthread shows this is potentially criminal. Call non emergency police.

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